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It's for the same reason I avoided relationships for a number of years. A relationship is a title. With that title comes expectations. I didn't want to oblige to those expectations, so I opted to not have the relationship title.
Whether we want to admit it or not, a relationship comes with expectations and some level of pressure. I'm not saying these in the negative sense, but for a relationship to prosper, you need goals, boundaries, and guidelines. You have two people trying to form a central unit, which isn't easy to do. It's why relationships end all the time. The central unit no longer functions and the parties function better separately. I'm not saying the two people involved can't have their own thoughts and desires, but as a couple, it helps when the two can blend their lifestyles in a way that's beneficial for the relationship.
Again, let's co-mingle the two words "commitment" and "relationship". To my way of thinking, it's six in one, half-dozen in the other. If a woman says that she wants "commitment", a man will construe it to mean she wants "relationship". Now, given exceptions to this...say, she only wants "friends with benefits", then I feel the onus is on her to say so.
The word "commitment" is specified. I've had women tell me that they wanted commitment, and not merely FWB. it's been asked, and understood. Later on, she's flipping the script.
Say you encounter a starving person. You bring them a full plate of food, only for them to bat it away resulting in the food and plate scattered all over the floor. How would you feel? Likewise, the one who asked you for commitment, you deliver, only for that person to turn their back on you.
Another problem is the west (especially USA) obsession with hyper-sexuality. Everything has to revolve around sex.
That's a huge contribution to the problem in today's society. I don't know how it was like in the 50's but im pretty sure they didn't have constant memes about penis size or making her squirt....
Hook up culture is easy. You get in and get out, have an occasional pregnancy, be a single parent and keep on pushing.
In addition to my last post, we're not talking about some guy who, it's discovered, has bad habits (i.e. picks his nose, has a surly/condescending attitude, still lives w/parents at 40 years old, compulsive liar/cheater/gambler, or has a problem with drugs/alcohol or been in jail). Of course, those would be deal breakers!
In addition to my last post, we're not talking about some guy who, it's discovered, has bad habits (i.e. picks his nose, has a surly/condescending attitude, still lives w/parents at 40 years old, compulsive liar/cheater/gambler, or has a problem with drugs/alcohol or been in jail). Of course, those would be deal breakers!
What if there's no chemistry in bed? That's not an acceptable "deal breaker"?
Best to have a commitment. I've been there (FWB, where I wanted a relationship other than sex) and I've been hurt.
Then you didn't understand FWB, it's not about expecting commitment other than having a friend to do things with - including the benefits of sex. I hope you learned from that experience?
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Originally Posted by ItsRick24
Say you encounter a starving person. You bring them a full plate of food, only for them to bat it away resulting in the food and plate scattered all over the floor. How would you feel? Likewise, the one who asked you for commitment, you deliver, only for that person to turn their back on you.
The starving person may be grateful for the food, or they may be mentally ill due to the life leading to starvation, or he may be taking food from everyone while he can get it and didn't want your food today. There's no predictability, no guarantee of how things will turn out, don't bring a plate of food expecting something in return that wasn't promised.
This is the problem you're having with a FWB definition. That situation doesn't work for you because you want the old traditional relationship of monogamy. It's out there, just takes more work to find
I for one thing am not getting married with how things are set up in this country with the divorce court system.
So until that changes and provides some type of protection for the man, than why should I even consider marriage as an option? Most women I'm dating are already the beneficiaries of a divorcees.
too many women these days are willing to have sex on the first date.
"why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"?
These women are having sex with men who are willing. Don't assume these women are expecting more than the men are, just because it used to be like that. They may both be in the same mind frame.
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Originally Posted by chiluvr1228
Women who are willing to have sex immediately and with no commitment have taught men that this is okay. I do believe that most women want a serious commitment but unfortunately most of them seem to think that they have to have sex first in order to get to that point. Most men are happy to go along with the FWB or ONS because, face it, men are geared to want a lot of sex with a lot of different women.
I no longer believe that about most women, or men. Women have 'taught' men that this is ok, meaning they accept the consequences--just as men do. I don't see them as getting tricked onto thinking it would end in marriage when that wasn't on their mind either?
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What has resulted in all this sex without any commitment is a lot of children with no fathers, single mothers and STD's.
The children have no fathers due to the fact that the woman has to carry the baby. If the man had to carry the baby, then he would be left to have the child physically with him. 2 people get stds or create a baby, not just the woman.
The difference is, the lingering stigma perpetuated by some men (and women) toward single mothers. They were only half of the equation that created the child with one parent. What if women went around stigmatizing and generalizing all men who had created a child and left it to live somewhere else?
Something like: "oh you created a child once and it doesn't live with you? I know all about "men like you", you're easy and full of std's. I'm not taking that chance with you."
Women aren't getting tricked, they aren't getting anymore pumped and dumped than men are. We can support ourselves and have needs other than spending the rest of our lives with any potential man we have sex with.
I grew up in a different world, just like you, things were different then. I met a guy, was immediately monogamous, lived with him then married him. We bought a house, 5 years later our daughter was born. 15 years after that it was over. Some may think those are all of the things one is supposed to do. Times have changed!
Women don't have to settle for marriage and children first, not unless that is what they truly want. We get to have a life and make our own decisions-- just like men have been doing all along. We don't want or expect sympathy, some of us see our selves as having the same thoughts and feelings as men do, and that's confusing to a lot of people who don't understand or believe that.
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Originally Posted by chiluvr1228
I am so glad I didn't have daughters and that I am not a young woman in the dating scene these days because it's a whole different world than it was even 35 years ago and not for the better.
I am happy to have had a daughter during this time of new thinking and life experiences. We have learned some things together, and I have learned a lot from her! When I told her she could do whatever she wanted in life, she could be whomever she wanted, it truly had more meaning than in generations past.
This. One or the other will become attached. There's no way around it. And again, I've had FWBs; in a couple of cases, she wanted commitment. Or I've wanted commitment.
My pet peeve is someone who says they want commitment, you offer commitment, only for them to flake on you. You want to say, "Hey, I'm good enough to sleep with you, but not good enough for you to commit?
Crazy!
I don't think you quite get the FWB type relationship. To my way of thinking "avoiding commitment" is exactly what FWB's are all about. Why would you or she agree to a FWB if one or the other is expecting or wanting commitment? Sounds like the odd girl who has sex with a guy in hopes of securing a relationship and when things don't pan out... she cries foul. He just used me for sex!
Meeting someone and and sleeping with them before actually discussing a FWB situation is called "dating".
It also sounds like maybe some of those women may have been looking for commitment... but for whatever reason weren't feelin it with you... that's not " flakey" it's how t works. You try people on for size and if it's not a good fit .... it's not a good fit. This happens in all kinds of relationships.
Bad stuff happens .... just because you're in a committed realationship it doesn't mean you're safe from being hurt.
Just as in any other relationship.... with a FWB you roll the dice and take your chances. There are no guarantees whether a relationship is committed or casual.
TBPO... I personally want what I want and I made that abundantly clear to my FWB up front what I "wasn't looking for" and if he could live with with that.... we were good. If he couldn't or wasn't sure than we probably shouldn't continue. We settled all of this right from the get go before things got intimate.
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