Not getting off to a good start

[coschristi]

Originally Posted by tf2014

Yes, it was his idea for me to move in. And I was 'given' a room to work in, but it's also the guest bedroom, and he keeps some of his hoard in the very large closet of the room, so essentially I was given two walls. Ironically, I get remarks about the 'mess' I make in there (crafting). I get that it is his house and on some level he does want me here, but I think he attaches so much sentimental meaning to every single thing he has that asking him to put some things away is honestly too hard for him.

I asked for 1 room. I would have been happy with one room. I arrived with a car load at about 8pm while he was at work & asked his sons "Where is the room?" And they looked at me like I was nuts.

The money.

Where I had been at I was working very hard but doing very well.

I also did not have very much confidence in myself to hold it all together. I've had to start all over from scratch about 3 times in my life & I was afraid of ...myself I guess.

Maybe I was looking for security. He, I think, has (had) a "Captain-Save-A H*O" personality.

He wanted to "take me away from all that" ...

It wasn't very long before I was being made very aware of every little thing he paid for or rather; every little thing I wasn't paying for.

It didn't matter that I got phones with service for him & his sons (they had no phones & were taking care of an elderly woman with Alzheimers?) Had my own car (his older son had a beater & he only had 2 motorcycles ...how do you get Mom to the doctor?) & had had NO trash service for 6 months, which I paid for to get started (I had NOT known that prior to moving in; they had been stashing it in the backyard).

But I didn't pay the mortgage. It became VERY clear that I was in HIS house.

Everything had "sentimental value"; even pairs of 20 YEAR OLD SHOES ...(they just don't make em like THAT anymore).

My clue/red flag that totally went over my head, was the time when his eldest son told me "All his life; Dad gets almost there but then something happens ..."

And that seemed to be true ... A horrible car accident. An ex-wife that left him for the Mailman (literally) with 2 little boys to raise. The mother who was diagnosed with Alzheimers just when his buisness was taking off .... Something. Every time.

I should have known. Guess who was the new "Something".

Me. I'm now the resident 13 year long "something" that "happened" to him. He HAS to have a scapegoat & the scapegoats name is Coschristi.

[strawberrykiki]

It sounds like your boyfriend still thinks of everything as ME instead of everything as US. You displaced yourself to a new city to be with him and I think he should be doing everything he can to make you feel like his house is your house too. If you were up front with him about your money situation and he said come on, then I don't see how he can be upset with you that you aren't contributing equally. He knew the deal.

The biggest problem I see here is that you've expressed to him multiple times that you're not happy and he hasn't made any effort to change anything. IMO, someone who loves you and values the relationship makes effort when they know their partner isn't happy. All you're asking is for him to appreciate the work you're doing around the house and for him to clean up after himself. Maybe he doesn't see some dishes as a huge deal, but he needs to realize it's about a lot more than that. It's about him not appreciating you or respecting you.

How long did you date prior to moving? How much face time did you spend together? LDR can be tough because when you're together you're so happy to be together you miss the normal every day stuff of being a couple and seeing the bad parts of your partner. Maybe you just don't know each other as well as you thought? My boyfriend and I recently moved in together after almost 2 years of a LDR. We were lucky we never had to go more than a couple weeks apart and there haven't been any surprises living together. So, it can work out. Even if my boyfriend just makes the bed in the morning I always tell him thank you. If I unload the dishwasher he says thank you. Being appreciative of the other person is SO SO important. I was in a long relationship before him with someone who never appreciated anything I did and it was miserable.

Maybe it's worth having one more serious talk with him if you love him. There's no shame in going back home if you're not happy and he won't change. Life is way too short to be miserable! Good luck!

[leftcoastie]

Originally Posted by Just A Guy

I never understood why parents feel the need to sacrifice their own financial and emotional health by paying for their adult children to go to college when those adult children should be doing that themselves.

Sounds like you made too big of a move too soon with this guy.

Probably correct on the moving in too soon, but I have to wonder, Mr. Just A Guy, do you have kids?

[Seija]

Originally Posted by tf2014

What would you do?

I would not move in with somebody who has a dirty house in the first place. Everybody who wants to move in with somebody should take a very good look at how the person lives. If you are young and learning this is one thing. Young people sometimes must get the hang of cleaning and understand it is more than spraying Windex once in a while. But if somebody gets to be in the late 20s and older and lives like a slob this is not going to change! Such people do not care about living like a gross pig for themselves so they are not going to care about if you come in and have to live in their dirt. They will tell you if you do not like it that you can clean it. Then you clean it and they still do not care about being a gross pig so they will make it gross again. THIS WILL NOT CHANGE.

If you do not want to live like a gross pig you will have to move out. I could not blame you. I do not care how nice a man is. If his house looks and smells like a college fraternity house I will be disgusted and will run away VERY FAST. You should too!

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by strawberrykiki

It sounds like your boyfriend still thinks of everything as ME instead of everything as US. You displaced yourself to a new city to be with him and I think he should be doing everything he can to make you feel like his house is your house too. If you were up front with him about your money situation and he said come on, then I don't see how he can be upset with you that you aren't contributing equally. He knew the deal.

The biggest problem I see here is that you've expressed to him multiple times that you're not happy and he hasn't made any effort to change anything. IMO, someone who loves you and values the relationship makes effort when they know their partner isn't happy. All you're asking is for him to appreciate the work you're doing around the house and for him to clean up after himself. Maybe he doesn't see some dishes as a huge deal, but he needs to realize it's about a lot more than that. It's about him not appreciating you or respecting you.

How long did you date prior to moving? How much face time did you spend together? LDR can be tough because when you're together you're so happy to be together you miss the normal every day stuff of being a couple and seeing the bad parts of your partner. Maybe you just don't know each other as well as you thought? My boyfriend and I recently moved in together after almost 2 years of a LDR. We were lucky we never had to go more than a couple weeks apart and there haven't been any surprises living together. So, it can work out. Even if my boyfriend just makes the bed in the morning I always tell him thank you. If I unload the dishwasher he says thank you. Being appreciative of the other person is SO SO important. I was in a long relationship before him with someone who never appreciated anything I did and it was miserable.

Maybe it's worth having one more serious talk with him if you love him. There's no shame in going back home if you're not happy and he won't change. Life is way too short to be miserable! Good luck!

All very good points. Re: the bolded, I suspect that part of the problem is that there's an OCD issue standing in the way. He's compulsive about his hoarding, and that's distorting how he interacts with the OP. He may not be capable of creating adequate space for her and being welcoming and accommodating. As far as basically picking up after himself, that comes under the "teaching an old dog new tricks". He's set in his ways, and would have to establish some discipline; something he's not accustomed to, at all.

All the questions about how well did she really know him before moving in are important. Had she ever visited his place before moving in, to notice that he had hoarding tendencies? Did she know what she was getting into?

Relationships that work long-distance can fall apart when they become up close and personal. This may not be the guy for you, OP. Sorry you gave up a job that was at least able to minimally support you in a location you liked better than the current one.

[YAZ]

Kinda funny.....as a single guy for a very long time (I was almost 41 when I got married), I never worried about the dishes. This may gross some folks out, but I'd wait until the weekend to do 'em. And if I didn't get to 'em.....you guessed it....they'd wait until the next weekend.

Married for ten years, I realized during that time what would happen if I didn't take care of my messes. Much easier to clean up as you go than to experience the wrath.....

Divorced for two years, and I still find myself running late occassionally because I didn't do the dishes. I will drop everything to do dishes before I leave the house. Not a bad habit to have......


More importantly though, from what I've learned about cohabitation, it's imperative that everyone communicates. Positive and negative habits. Compromise sux sometimes, but it's necessary.

[wasel]

Originally Posted by coschristi

It didn't matter that I got phones with service for him & his sons (they had no phones & were taking care of an elderly woman with Alzheimers?) Had my own car (his older son had a beater & he only had 2 motorcycles ...how do you get Mom to the doctor?) & had had NO trash service for 6 months, which I paid for to get started (I had NOT known that prior to moving in; they had been stashing it in the backyard).

.

6 months of trash in the back yard? For real? God I can't imagine the vermin....