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It looks like you don't want her to be out of your life EVERexplaining what you have been going through the past few days and what you realize and a proposal?
I'd say about 10-15 lbs. Nothing enormous, but it's definitely noticeable. And I determined I won't be sending her flowers. I'm just giving her the space she wants and needs right now.
That's a fair amount of weight, IMO. Evidently, BOTH of you are sensitive about It. You can't win.
Sexual attraction rarely corresponds with whether or not someone is a good person. Ultimately, you're going to hope she works on her physical appearance, dim the lights and focus on different imagery, or learn to appreciate her body as it is.
You're a good man to care about her feelings. So you screwed up. It happens.
She'd probably appreciate hearing from you sooner than later. Women don't cave up like guys do. Let her know you're thinking of her.
I wonder if she was subconsciously pushing you to break up with her? If she was that quick to take a break, I'd say she wasn't full invested to begin with.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Byron12
I sent her a text tonight apologizing again and vowed to never hurt her again..
Bad move. You just made a vow you can't keep.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rise of virtue
Seems she was kind of quick to take a break from the relationship. From my experience, "breaks" are brought up so that someone can go cheat and use the excuse of "we were on a break, so it doesnt count." .
Quit projecting. Just because your women like to cheat on you doesn't mean it's happening to every other guy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
I have been told once that my belly sticks out. I laughed it off and made a joke about it (but yes, it hurt). I took it as helpful criticism.
The next day I went on a diet.
I don't understand how that's helpful criticism. That's pretty rude, to be honest.
An ex of mine grabbed my side and told me I'd be "really sexy" if I could just "get rid of this." He never made that mistake again.
Who raises these men to think that's ok?? It's really unbelievable.
This is a tough topic. If someone is losing attraction for a partner, what is he or she to do? We talk ad nauseam on here about communication being the cornerstone of relationships and, well, the ad nauseam part. But it's true. If you can't talk about something as important as your sex life or an issue affecting it, your relationship is pretty flawed. Granted, a woman's weight in particular is a sensitive topic, but I don't think that puts it off limits.
So the OP shared his feelings. The woman in his life felt a need to reassess the whole relationship based on how she felt about his sharing. Just like he can express his feelings, she can experience and express hers, so there's that. The immediate result of her expressed feelings though was that the OP took it all back, meaning either he lied about his feelings in the first place, or based on the consequences of sharing them, decided they didn't matter after all. That's a nice formula for a relationship.
Him: I have a problem with X.
Her: Well that hurts so we need to take a break.
Him: Never mind I'm so sorry marry me always.
So lots of luck OP. All the luck you have coming in 5 or 6 lifetimes.
Or, you could say something like "You know what, I really don't like hurting you, but we have to be able to talk about important topics even if one or both of us is hurt by the discussion. And I admit that you taking a "break" scared me and for a bit there I was willing to kind of betray my feelings to keep you, but I'm over that. So if you're interested in trying again I'd be willing to, but only if we can agree on some ground rules for how we talk about difficult topics, ones that work for both of us. Then how about we use those ground rules to discuss how you're feeling in general (stressed, etc.), how that impacts your appearance, how I feel about that, and how my bringing it up made you feel?"
It looks like you don't want her to be out of your life EVER. How about planning a speech explaining what you have been going through the past few days and what you realize and a proposal?
This is a tough topic. If someone is losing attraction for a partner, what is he or she to do? We talk ad nauseam on here about communication being the cornerstone of relationships and, well, the ad nauseam part. But it's true. If you can't talk about something as important as your sex life or an issue affecting it, your relationship is pretty flawed. Granted, a woman's weight in particular is a sensitive topic, but I don't think that puts it off limits.
So the OP shared his feelings. The woman in his life felt a need to reassess the whole relationship based on how she felt about his sharing. Just like he can express his feelings, she can experience and express hers, so there's that. The immediate result of her expressed feelings though was that the OP took it all back, meaning either he lied about his feelings in the first place, or based on the consequences of sharing them, decided they didn't matter after all. That's a nice formula for a relationship.
Him: I have a problem with X.
Her: Well that hurts so we need to take a break.
Him: Never mind I'm so sorry marry me always.
So lots of luck OP. All the luck you have coming in 5 or 6 lifetimes.
Or, you could say something like "You know what, I really don't like hurting you, but we have to be able to talk about important topics even if one or both of us is hurt by the discussion. And I admit that you taking a "break" scared me and for a bit there I was willing to kind of betray my feelings to keep you, but I'm over that. So if you're interested in trying again I'd be willing to, but only if we can agree on some ground rules for how we talk about difficult topics, ones that work for both of us. Then how about we use those ground rules to discuss how you're feeling in general (stressed, etc.), how that impacts your appearance, how I feel about that, and how my bringing it up made you feel?"
Wrong - I did not "take it all back." I apologized not for what I said, but for the fact that I hurt her. There's a difference there.
I do like your suggestion at the end, though. One of the better ones I've heard.
How do you deal with things that make you feel sad or defensive or hurt in your long term relationships? Do you put them on hold while you take a break to reconsider the relationship?
No I don't put it on hold and run out the door. I was married for 20 years, I believe I've stated a few times. Lots of ups and downs, lots of lessons learned. If I said something to my s/o and he said it made him feel awful, I'd feel really bad, especially if he already had other crap going that was stressing him out. I'd apologize. Some people don't lose physical attraction over 10 lbs though. I'm 5'7" and would still wear the same size, so maybe if I also looked like a slob....10 - 15 lbs on a man I was crazy about? Not a chance of ruining anything... and I like a guy dirty from work with his hair messed up and tan lines from his sun glasses
I just have the opinion that some posters, mostly male? Are ready throw in the towel when they may be better served to build on what they have and get through it.
IMO/IME
ETA: Telling him to kick her to the curb for wanting time to think, is what I don't agree with.
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