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Let me start off by providing some background into my relationship with my gf. We've been dating since July, 2015, and have been madly in love with each other. There is so much that I adore about her: her smile, her smell, her laugh, her intelligence, her sense of humor, the list goes on. We have a ton of things we like to do together: cook, watch Netflix, travel, spend time outdoors, and just being together.
Over the last couple of months, I've gotten the impression that our relationship has entered into the "I'm really comfortable with you now" phase, which, for the most part, is a great phase to be in. We can just be ourselves around each other, which is a beautiful thing. However, I've noticed that my gf doesn't get dolled up nearly as much as she used to, and has put on a few pounds. I've tried to encourage her by complimenting her a lot when she looks good and supporting healthy eating and consistent workouts (I've gone running with her a few times).
All that being said, it's put a bit of a damper on our sex life. We just got back from a 4-day vacation, and did not have sex once. I noticed on our trip that it appeared she'd gained a bit more weight and was often wearing baggy clothes, had messy hair, etc. Put simply, I did not find myself as sexually attracted to the woman I initially met.
When we got back from our trip, my gf asked if everything between us was OK. I told her what was on my mind, that I thought she'd started to let herself go a bit. I immediately regretted saying that, because she did not take it well at all. She explained that she knows this all too well, and that she's her own worst critic. I apologized profusely, but it was too late. She then proceeded to cry for much of the night, and told me in the morning she wants a one-week break.
Needless to say, I feel awful. I love everything else about her, but for some reason have been focused on the shallow, external stuff. I feel sick to my stomach for making her cry, weakening her self-confidence, and potentially ruining our relationship. There's so much more to my feelings about her than this. I love her more than anything and would move heaven and earth to take back the words I said. I also realized her sister used to have an eating disorder and didn't think of that before I said what I said. She's also been under a lot of stress with work recently, so that may be a partial culprit. In any event, I was an ***hole and framed things in a selfish way. I could have said it much more tactfully.
My plan is to do some soul-searching this week and to give her the space she needs. I am also meeting with my therapist this week and will share this all with him. I really hope I can find it in myself to focus on what I really love about her: what's inside. And I hope she can find it in her heart to give me a second chance.
Sadly, there are times when truth can be your worst enemy. Words are going to matter less now that showing her that you still love and find her intriguing, entrancing and desirable, presuming that's still true.
You're not unique. Many if not most of us have at one time or another put our foot in our mouths but have managed to make up for it over time, healed our partner's wounds that we have caused and gone on from there with new understandings and improved relationships.
Yes, you should apologize (don't say you didn't mean it but tell her this:"...but for some reason have been focused on shallow, external stuff.") Thereafter, actions speak louder than words.
Location: IN>Germany>ND>OH>TX>CA>Currently NoVa and a Vacation Lake House in PA
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If you can't express your opinion to your SO without fear of being manipulated into "feeling awful" you need to move on and consider it a lesson learned.
Hopefully, the collateral the two of you have built into the relationship will allow you to deal with this issue.
But, I would say you might be looking at the problem incorrectly. It sounds like she is going through a stressful period. Part of that can manifest itself in our eating habits. Maybe that's the way to solve this issue. Find out why she is being stressed out and see if there is a way, between the two of you, that a resolution can be found.
If her current lifestyle has included stressful eating, figure out a way to change it. Exercise may be the best solution, at least immediately, but finding ways for her to communicate her stress to you and having you help by listening may be the solution.
A reminder to the ladies (and men, too, for that matter) ~ Always keep up the effort.. * Never get too comfortable. Complacency is no excuse to become a slob.
A reminder to the ladies (and men, too, for that matter) ~ Always keep up the effort.. * Never get too comfortable. Complacency is no excuse to become a slob.
If you can't express your opinion to your SO without fear of being manipulated into "feeling awful" you need to move on and consider it a lesson learned.
Yes, this exactly.
Better now than when she has let her self go completely and you have lost all attraction to her.
The correct response from her would have been to explore what is going on with both of you in more depth. A relationship in which one person is so insecure that he or she cannot discuss shortcomings, but instead needs to take a break from the relationship, is not going to be a happy relationship for long.
Nothing worse than having your partner ask you what is wrong and then have her freak out when you tell her what was wrong.
BTW, you didn't blow it. She did. If you are smart, you will extend the break from a week to forever.
Nothing you say will change what you said. Now she is going to tell her parents, family and friends and you will be demonized big time. They are going to feed all kinds of things to her to make her feel better. Especially that she should dump you and find someone else.
Relationship is more than likely over.
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