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Old 12-07-2016, 10:00 AM
 
77 posts, read 44,113 times
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Thanks for so much thoughts here! I don't want people to show mercy on me. I am not sad at all now. I just have a little concern about relationship developing. He is very nice to me and his Mom is very nice to me. There is no family looking down issue here. We are very closed. After he said "I want to have a trial before marriage", I didn't ask " are you playing house with me?" Because I don't feel necessary and I am sure he is not. He is always very honest. I don't have any doubts on it. I admit I want a commitment and I guess every girl would want one? After he explains his plan, I feel it's acceptable.
Sometimes it's like a business that you should care, deal and negotiate with your heart!


But I think it might be true we are not at the same page: he is slow....Every time it's me to put up some idea. Like his Mom said he is the same as his Dad. He needs a push. We are not that kind people like playing drama. No. We don't have drama here.
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Old 12-07-2016, 10:05 AM
 
Location: Central IL
20,726 posts, read 16,206,596 times
Reputation: 50367
Quote:
Originally Posted by LowonLuck View Post
I made that mistake a few times. He just wants to play house. The years will tick by and marriage will never come. Which is fine if you both only want to live together forever.
Yup...there are no guarantees but she needs to let him know that she'll walk at some deadline she sets and she needs to be serious with herself and not back off from that.
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Old 12-07-2016, 10:22 AM
 
Location: Middle of the valley
48,302 posts, read 34,433,441 times
Reputation: 73256
Quote:
Originally Posted by dbwindyusa1221 View Post
Thanks for so much thoughts here! I don't want people to show mercy on me. I am not sad at all now. I just have a little concern about relationship developing. He is very nice to me and his Mom is very nice to me. There is no family looking down issue here. We are very closed. After he said "I want to have a trial before marriage", I didn't ask " are you playing house with me?" Because I don't feel necessary and I am sure he is not. He is always very honest. I don't have any doubts on it. I admit I want a commitment and I guess every girl would want one? After he explains his plan, I feel it's acceptable.
Sometimes it's like a business that you should care, deal and negotiate with your heart!


But I think it might be true we are not at the same page: he is slow....Every time it's me to put up some idea. Like his Mom said he is the same as his Dad. He needs a push. We are not that kind people like playing drama. No. We don't have drama here.
Great attitude. Best of luck to the both of you!
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Old 12-07-2016, 10:26 AM
 
Location: Chicagoland
5,749 posts, read 10,334,507 times
Reputation: 7010
Quote:
Originally Posted by dbwindyusa1221 View Post
You should send me that article/paper haha so I could educate my bf


First Google hit - additional research supports this...


"On average, researchers concluded that couples who lived together before they tied the knot saw a 33 percent higher rate of divorce than those who waited to live together until after they were married. Part of the problem was that cohabitors, studies suggested, “slid into†marriage without much consideration."

The Science of Cohabitation: A Step Toward Marriage, Not a Rebellion - The Atlantic
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Old 12-07-2016, 10:28 AM
 
8,170 posts, read 6,003,177 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflyfish View Post
A lot of woman who move in while hoping for a proposal someday, start doing more than their fair share of domestic chores. Perhaps they are trying hard to "pass the test" and show their bf what a great wife they will be. This is a really bad move that will back fire unless you enjoy being cheif cook and toilet cleaner for the rest of your life
This is exactly what seems to happen to me. I want to be married, seek out men that say they want to be married, they move in and then the marriage part never happens. My sons father is now married. He married someone that is exactly who he refused to allow me to be.. a sahm. Funny how things work out.

Op- after having plenty of failed live in relationships, I am waiting for the marriage. And at my age, the guys should know within a year of they could be married to me. Of course none of them can so I send them on their way. I have no desire to play house. I can do that all by myself without the extra work of another person.
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Old 12-07-2016, 10:32 AM
 
8,170 posts, read 6,003,177 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
I really hate the concept here of manipulating someone into marrying you.

Don't you just want a guy who wants to marry you? Doesn't matter if you live with him or whatever.
I agree. which is exactly why I won't badger a man to marry me. My first husband was told to
Marry me by his parents. It was a disaster because he didn't even like me, forget about loving me.

Now I will date, but if we get to 18 months to 2 years without moving that direction... Good bye. Last three Didn't even make it 6 months. And none of them have missed me a bit, so it was a wise decision.
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Old 12-07-2016, 10:37 AM
 
Location: Middle of the valley
48,302 posts, read 34,433,441 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LowonLuck View Post
Now I will date, but if we get to 18 months to 2 years without moving that direction... Good bye. Last three Didn't even make it 6 months. And none of them have missed me a bit, so it was a wise decision.

If I recall correctly, the last one is gone because he actually wanted you to act more like wife material, meaning not talking to exes at 11pm and hanging around in bars on a regular basis.

You certainly have right to send anyone down the road, but you need to look at whether your actions match your words.
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Old 12-07-2016, 10:38 AM
 
8,170 posts, read 6,003,177 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
Yup...there are no guarantees but she needs to let him know that she'll walk at some deadline she sets and she needs to be serious with herself and not back off from that.
Exactly. I now have a deadline that only I know. For me is is a year and a half to 2 years. I am almost 40 and anyone I date is close to the same age. If they are not ready in this time frame, they never will be. No need to wait around any longer.

I use to say that I wanted to me remarried by 35... Then it became before my hair turned gray. Not sure what my next goal should be... Maybe before I am retired. But sadly, I have a feeling, the way my luck is going... I may have a grandchild participating in my wedding.
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Old 12-07-2016, 10:41 AM
 
8,170 posts, read 6,003,177 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
If I recall correctly, the last one is gone because he actually wanted you to act more like wife material, meaning not talking to exes at 11pm and hanging around in bars on a regular basis.

You certainly have right to send anyone down the road, but you need to look at whether your actions match your words.
He was insecure, jealous and controlling and didn't want me to talk to anyone.

When I say I hang in bars... I mean like a local bar where the kids and I eat dinner 3-5 nights a week. Many nights I only order water with my meal. I almost always have the kids with me. How wild can I possibly me with two kids in tow?
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Old 12-07-2016, 10:43 AM
 
Location: Middle of the valley
48,302 posts, read 34,433,441 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LowonLuck View Post
He was insecure, jealous and controlling and didn't want me to talk to anyone.

That's not how you explained it at the time, but okay.
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