Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I (male) have two close friends (both male) who settled into LTR's less than a year ago. Even before they got engaged and moved in together, let alone after, I saw things that set off my spidey sense. They never went anywhere without their respective girlfriends, and still do not. I'm not talking about the usual nights out, like drinking in a bar, seeing a cover band, or even taking a dance class. I'm talking about traditional male activities, like working out in the gym or hiking on a trail. For the last year or so, every time I invited one or both friends to go somewhere, he'd say:
"Let me ask my girlfriend."
* * later same day * *
"I can't go. My girlfriend doesn't want to to go out tonight, and I can't go without her."
"You can't? We're just going to [description of innocuous activity] for an hour or two."
"I can't go without her. That's not what a relationship is about. It's about always doing things together."
"OK, see you another time." (spidey sense goes off)
This doesn't make a lick of sense to me. I'm not making my friend cheat on his girlfriend in the slightest. I just wanted to get out and take the edge off, by belting out karaoke lyrics in a bar, for example. Or even be healthy for a change and do some weightlifting, with me and him spotting each other, and go for sandwiches afterwards. But no. It's either going out together or not at all. Even to work out, which is more of an errand than fun. Needless to say, it's demotivating me from finding my own relationship. its good parts nonewithstanding. I have too much fun attending Meetup events with the quirky regulars, taking dance classes, working out, or even going for a quick jog around the block, and don't want to lose all that.
So is it weird that my friends are glued to their SO's like that, to the point of refusing to go anywhere without them? Or am I the weird one for thinking that's weird? Or are both me and my friends weird, for being extreme (on opposite ends) in our views on LTR's?
While I specified genders in my post while describing my experience, this thread is neither gender-specific nor aimed at one gender. Everyone is welcome to contribute.
Not every couple is like that but your friends have chosen to live their lives that way. Mr. CSD and I are not like that and never have been. We have friends and activities outside of each other and that is right for us.
We also *do not* ask permission from each other to do anything. We may call and tell each other we will be leaving or home later but it is not asking permission.
If you do not seek a relationship that is your choice but do not blame your friends for your choice in your life.
I 100% agree with this! and it's precisely why people in relationships mates tend to not want them hanging out with single friends because a lot of the time it is a hidden agenda that lies somewhere. Because the one that's single doesn't get or understand why the person in the relationship considers their mate before deciding to do something.
It has nothing to do about control or being whipped but I'm not going to do anything that makes my spouse uncomfortable period. What is the guy going to gain buy meeting you at a bar having drinks being around single women? That environment benefits you not him, so it shouldn't be a red flag that it's not something he wants to do and I'm willing to bet that it more than likely has nothing to do with his lady not approving, he just doesn't see the point in him going.
Not to mention what happens when you're chatting up a lady and she's there with a friend and now the guy is there feeling awkward as it'll be rude to not engaged with the other lady that's just standing there while you chat up her friend. Not a ideal situation for him to be in so if you want to hangout and do single guy things then find likeminded single guys to do it with.
Most guys in a relationship is not going to want to go and watch you try to pick up women. That's one of the great things about being in a relationship is no longer being on the prowl and participating in such behaviors. In which case your friend is probably counting the days you finally grow up and get tired of being "that guy" because after awhile it certainly becomes played out and you look pathetic.
You clearly didn't read the OP's post. He didn't mention anything about a bar or hitting up women (in fact, he wasn't even referring to that).
Second, your example is pretty out there. How about maybe they go to a bar to have a drink and talk as friends? Why must there be an ulterior motive? Bars are places known for friends to visit (single or not) to catch up and talk the s***.
And even if your example did come to light. The guy that's in a relationship can just easily say he's in one, while also encouraging and hyping up his single friend to the ladies. That's what I would do. I'd say something like "I'm taken, but my friend is single and you guys should be talking to him anyway" with a smile
Simple and straightforward.
Last edited by NewYorker11356; 12-24-2016 at 10:07 PM..
Most guys in a relationship is not going to want to go and watch you try to pick up women. That's one of the great things about being in a relationship is no longer being on the prowl and participating in such behaviors. In which case your friend is probably counting the days you finally grow up and get tired of being "that guy" because after awhile it certainly becomes played out and you look pathetic.
I always viewed being in a relationship as one of those mildly unpleasant but inevitable parts of getting older. On par with lower energy levels, hair loss, and dental issues. I was hoping to change my views, but after observing what LTR's are like, that ain't happening. I just wanted to see if my friends' relationships are the exception or the rule.
Oh, and merry Christmas. Don't forget to extinguish your fireplace tonight.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 12-24-2016 at 10:29 PM..
I always viewed being in a relationship as one of those mildly unpleasant but inevitable parts of getting older. On par with lower energy levels, hair loss, and dental issues. I was hoping to change my views, but after observing what LTR's are like, that ain't happening.
Oh, and merry Christmas. Don't forget to extinguish your fireplace tonight.
lol noooo don't be a relationship scrooge, the secret to relationships is finding someone on the same page as you with the same views. If you're a homebody then of course it's wouldn't make sense to be with someone who is out going and like to do things a lot.
This is why it's important to meet people with common interest that way the majority of your preferences will compliment each other. However shaming someone for their relationship preference only breeds resentment and even if the person could hang out, they would more than likely choose not too because they know you secretly resent their relationship.
I always viewed being in a relationship as one of those mildly unpleasant but inevitable parts of getting older. On par with lower energy levels, hair loss, and dental issues. I was hoping to change my views and embrace an LTR, but I'm not seeing any encouraging examples in real life. Or on here, somewhat. I just wanted to see if my friends' relationships are the exception or the rule.
Oh, and merry Christmas. Don't forget to extinguish your fireplace tonight.
Like I said, that's why you find a likeminded woman in that regard. Plenty of women would agree with you.
And hiking and the gym are not male-only activities.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
OP, it wasn't clear from your post, but have you tried making plans that aren't for the same day?
As a natural homebody/introvert anyway, someone texting during the day to ask about plans for that evening was pretty much an automatic no, and that was even before I started seeing someone and going out more often to do things with her. So if your friends have gotten into that mode with their girlfriends, maybe they need a little more lead time on the invitations. Just a thought.
You clearly didn't read the OP's post. He didn't mention anything about a bar or hitting up women (in fact, he wasn't even referring to that).
Second, your example is pretty out there. How about maybe they go to a bar to have a drink and talk as friends? Why must there be an ulterior motive? Bars are places known for friends to visit (single or not) to catch up and talk the s***.
And even if your example did come to light. The guy that's in a relationship can just easily say he's in one, while also encouraging and hyping up his single friend to the ladies. That's what I would do. I'd say something like "I'm taken, but my friend is single and you guys should be talking to him anyway" with a smile
Simple and straightforward.
Oh I wasn't specifically talking about the OP in that post just emphasizing the points that were made from the person I quoted and sharing how the other person perspective could be to give OP a general idea of the mindset of his coupled friends.
OP, it wasn't clear from your post, but have you tried making plans that aren't for the same day?
As a natural homebody/introvert anyway, someone texting during the day to ask about plans for that evening was pretty much an automatic no, and that was even before I started seeing someone and going out more often to do things with her. So if your friends have gotten into that mode with their girlfriends, maybe they need a little more lead time on the invitations. Just a thought.
Lol, as an introvert (more ambivert in recent years), I'm the same way. I'm not a fan of these last minute nightly invites when I hadn't planned on going out.
Although, I have a feeling the OP has tried that, though. With relationships like his friends's, they'd probably tell the OP that they'll let their girlfriend know and get back to him on that day.
Now why can't I find someone like that? lol I'm just kidding but I know exactly what you mean and I hate that. I lost a few friendships like that through the years. I had 2 female friends who needed permission from their men but the men were a bit controlling. Their bf's hated me because I did whatever I wanted and they were afraid that I could have been a bad influence. I have know problem talking back to a control freak. Honestly it sucked, I wasn't even able to go with them to a clothing store or bowling and they had curfews because they didn't want to upset their bf's.
One friend wasn't allowed to hang out after 4pm and the other one after 7pm. What a boring life.
I don't have to be a late night owl and I know that people have to take care of their significant other but when they control you and you need permission that's a bit much. I'm more of a loner. I treat myself to restaurants and do fun things on my own even though I don't mind having company at times but I think that is why I scare away people like that because I always like exploring somewhere new and just having fun walking around without having to ask anyone.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
