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Ok, I didn't "read the book" before marrying a man 11 years older than myself.
He's 66, I'm 55. We've been best friends since l990 and married in l996. Our respective children grown and gone. Now it's me, him, and the cat. Life is good, he is retired, I work part time. We've been laughing and having fun together for a good long time.....
NOW, he is just getting grumpier and grumpier...and sometimes downright verbally abusive and controlling. My sister says her husband is doing the same thing. (He's the same age) I'm beginning to wonder if I should start packing my things, or is this just an "old man" thing? Jeez this is annoying at this menopausal time in my life!
I have heard of this before!
And this, along with the prostate issues, is why I do NOT want to marry a man who is older than me unless his is filthy rich.
My husband is 60. I am 17 years younger. Boy - what a mistake that was!!! He seems to be becoming more and more controlling, makes old man sounds, is starting to dress and act like an old man, is really set in his ways, etc. To be honest, I am soul-searching right now to see if I even want to be married. I have just started seeing a therapist by myself. If it were just he and I, there would be no question in my mind as to what to do - I'd be GONE! But, we have a 13 year old son together, so it's not just a matter of me thinking about, well, ME. I have other people to think about and that's where I get confused. I do know that for me, if things don't get better, I don't want to live another 20 or 30 years like this. But I also don't want a screwed up, bitter, angry kid either. Hopefully the this therapist can help me come to some resolution. The OP might want to seek the advice of a therapist to help her understand the situation and ultimately make a wise choice about what she should do.
Twink,
I'm glad you are seeing a therapist to get some support. I agree with the other poster, if you can hang in there five more years, it might be worth it.
I have friends who get divorced and have to share the kids. Poor kids have two separate homes, and two bedrooms. It's expensive, difficult, and kind of crazy. It's like a divorce without a divorce.
Maybe you can figure out a way to get by for five more yeas. You have your dance and so many things to keep you busy. Often, once we commit to something, suddenly things do get easier.
Getting a physical, exploring the man's redefining of self since retirement, and looking at the woman's part in all this is all good advice IMO.
I remember my aunt telling me her husband was driving her crazy after he retired because he hovered around the kitchen "helping" and in general didn't know what to do with himself.
Perhaps a group for retirement readjustment, for couples or separated by gender, would be useful. Leading the horse to water, much less getting him to drink, is always the problem with "therapy" or "support" concepts, though.
The above suggestion irritates the "I'm not crazy!!" gene no end. Unfortunately most civilians probably have their impression of therapy from Barbara Streisand movies ("Nuts!") etc. If she was a real therapist, you'd have to be actively seeking insanity to want her as a shrink.
There are lots of good therapists who are not psychiatrists. Master's level folks, RNs, and church-based groups will be more reasonably priced and probably more effective because the primary will not be looking at meds as the first solution.
Lack of exercise or motion or movement could certainly be a contributor to the grumps. He could be manifesting his frustration or lack of adjustment (or awareness) to a new environment in grumpiness rather than in creative problem solving.
What are "old man sounds"? And if you think 60 is old, wait for 75.
I believe that as people age, their core personality characteristics tend to bubble up with fewer inhibitions. So someone happy or humorous or kind, or grumpy and bitchy and cruel, will move more toward the extreme of that basic trait.
That is just my theory, wait for the book I need the money.
Meanwhile, you might want to rent "Grumpy Old Men" with Walter Matthau, Jack Lemon, and Ann Margaret.
Last edited by Dwatted Wabbit; 03-02-2008 at 10:47 AM..
Reason: ed
quote from MaggieZ --The guy the OP mentioned maybe needs to review his attitude towards life in general. Thing is, it's up to him to do the changing plus is he even aware of how he comes across? But why ruin the years you have left and the years of those around you?
MaggieZ, you are right! My husband has no clue how he comes across. And I think Fat Freddy has the right idea as well. I've tried everything suggested in these posts...Got him to the doctor, asked him to change anti-depressants, encouraged more exercise,
encouraged him to join a group, everything I can think of. But I ask myself, why am I doing all the work here when it's him that is the grump? Thank God I have my happy pills!
I must say though, the classic line was from "overtaxedandunderpaided" when he/she said "Cut your losses...move in with your sister.....life is too short for grumpy people".
I've got to figure out how to do partial quotes....I'm obviously new to this message board stuff.
Getting a physical, exploring the man's redefining of self since retirement, and looking at the woman's part in all this is all good advice IMO.
I remember my aunt telling me her husband was driving her crazy after he retired because he hovered around the kitchen "helping" and in general didn't know what to do with himself.
Perhaps a group for retirement readjustment, for couples or separated by gender, would be useful. Leading the horse to water, much less getting him to drink, is always the problem with "therapy" or "support" concepts, though.
The above suggestion irritates the "I'm not crazy!!" gene no end. Unfortunately most civilians probably have their impression of therapy from Barbara Streisand movies ("Nuts!") etc. If she was a real therapist, you'd have to be actively seeking insanity to want her as a shrink.
There are lots of good therapists who are not psychiatrists. Master's level folks, RNs, and church-based groups will be more reasonably priced and probably more effective because the primary will not be looking at meds as the first solution.
Lack of exercise or motion or movement could certainly be a contributor to the grumps. He could be manifesting his frustration or lack of adjustment (or awareness) to a new environment in grumpiness rather than in creative problem solving.
What are "old man sounds"? And if you think 60 is old, wait for 75.
I believe that as people age, their core personality characteristics tend to bubble up with fewer inhibitions. So someone happy or humorous or kind, or grumpy and bitchy and cruel, will move more toward the extreme of that basic trait.
That is just my theory, wait for the book I need the money.
Meanwhile, you might want to rent "Grumpy Old Men" with Walter Matthau, Jack Lemon, and Ann Margaret.
Those are the loud clearing of the throat sounds that I hate! I can deal with someone clawing their fingernails across a chalkboard, but I DO NOT want to hear an old man clearing his throat.
Those are the loud clearing of the throat sounds that I hate! I can deal with someone clawing their fingernails across a chalkboard, but I DO NOT want to hear an old man clearing his throat.
I know that sound! That throat-clearing sound!
I know other sounds too.
I once dated an older man who was always having trouble with his bowels. Every time he got home from work, he'd visit the toilet. I could hear him behind that thin door, blowing all that air out of his rear-end. He was like a human balloon or something.
One day, I just couldn't take it anymore.
No more older men for me. Especially, the ones who are overweight and don't tend to take care of themselves physically.
I think that before you actually make that final decision to marry someone alot older than yourself, that you should take into consideration all the good..with the bad...along the way. Think about the age diffrence as the years tick on...think.."OK. I will 51, when he`s 63." How does that make you feel? Do you think its something that you can live with down the road, because as he ages, I`m sure its not always going to be peaches and cream.
You are going to have to listen to him complain of hurts, and quirks, and even the moodiness!
Maybe its one of those deals, that you just don`t know what you have got yourself into, until the time arrives, but I still think the other party, should really think long and hard, before entering into a marriage, and especially if they don`t feel its a strong relationship. That could only make things weaker.
I think, its a matter of how strong your marriage is, and how much you can actually put up with, from your companion.
Is it a give and take marriage? Does he lay around and gripe and complain all the time, or does he respect you, and try to do his part? That would be another factor, for me.
I once dated an older man who was always having trouble with his bowels. Every time he got home from work, he'd visit the toilet. I could hear him behind that thin door, blowing all that air out of his rear-end. He was like a human balloon or something.
One day, I just couldn't take it anymore.
No more older men for me. Especially, the ones who are overweight and don't tend to take care of themselves physically.
# # #
Hey Carrot!!!
I tried to DM you but you need to clear some space in your inbox before I can send you anything. I saved my message and I can email it to you if you email me at the email I gave you.
I think that before you actually make that final decision to marry someone alot older than yourself, that you should take into consideration all the good..with the bad...along the way. Think about the age diffrence as the years tick on...think.."OK. I will 51, when he`s 63." How does that make you feel? Do you think its something that you can live with down the road, because as he ages, I`m sure its not always going to be peaches and cream.
You are going to have to listen to him complain of hurts, and quirks, and even the moodiness!
Maybe its one of those deals, that you just don`t know what you have got yourself into, until the time arrives, but I still think the other party, should really think long and hard, before entering into a marriage, and especially if they don`t feel its a strong relationship. That could only make things weaker.
I think, its a matter of how strong your marriage is, and how much you can actually put up with, from your companion.
Is it a give and take marriage? Does he lay around and gripe and complain all the time, or does he respect you, and try to do his part? That would be another factor, for me.
Well, back when I was 28, his being in his 40's was not a big deal. But you are right. I didn't think about the future. My mom used to crack jokes about me and the guys I used to go after. She'd see an old man - like an 80 year old man with a cane or a walker - and she'd say something like "Hey *Twinkle* (not her real name) look, there's a potential date for you!" I just used to like older guys because I thought they were more sophisticated and worldly and seemed to really appreciate having a younger woman to pal around with. Now I'm scopin' out the guys who are 17 years younger than me!
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Margaret.
