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Old 12-27-2016, 08:54 PM
 
22 posts, read 12,137 times
Reputation: 37

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My ex girlfriend of two years broke up last June. We were very well matched and had plans of moving in together in Portland. This was my first relationship and was her longest relationship by 11 months. Currently I am 25 and she is 24.

We were long distance by 2.5 hours and saw each other a couple days every two weeks.

Unfortunately my parents really hated her, and I am very close to my parents so that was difficult.

I didn't wear my promise ring around my parents, I didn't proclaim explicitly I wanted to marry her (though that was the intention of the relationship and I wanted to live her before formally asking that), I didn't visit her during more holidays, I didn't move out of my parent's house sooner, and I categorized her as being just a notch above my parents in terms of priority not in a whole different level of priority which she requested.

It is for these reasons she felt I did not prioritize her and did not do the necessary things to be together which caused her to break up with me.

All I wanted was more time to make the necessary arrangements to move out on my own to Portland, which was only another 7-9 months. I felt it was at that point that I could take our relationship to the next level and give her the things she requested.

I am a self-employed fabricator and have all my heavy tools and materials at my parents house where I currently work, it is subsequently difficult to move because of this heavy career (side note: my mom doesn't want me to move out because I have been a key part in running the household).

My ex is also upset I didn't do more to stop her from breaking up with me. But it is my personal philosophy to not keep someone from leaving my life if that is what they are compelled to do. I will not plead nor beg to be in a relationship.

So fast forward to today, we are still broken up but she still deep in her heart wants to be with me while also realizing that likely won't happen (and a deep part of me wants to be with her too). She either wants me to “admit that I didn't love her that much because I prioritize other things over her” or actually do the things necessary to be with her.

At this point, according to her, the only way to make the relationship work is for me to move to Spokane with her where she currently lives. And because I am choosing to move to Portland I am “therefore not choosing her”.

One might ask “why are you moving to Portland then?”

Moving to Portland has been an overwhelming lifelong goal of mine that has influenced most of my decisions in life. I have a multitude of business contacts down there, I already have some roots there. And I also have a once in a lifetime opportunity for a live/work space down there. Moving to Portland aligns with all of my personal goals except for being with my ex girlfriend.

One might ask "why doesn't she move to Portland with you then?"

She would have to leave her family, her support circle, her apartment, her job, and her roots in Spokane for a "gamble" in Portland. She has also lost trust in me because it has taken so long for me to move and she feels I did not prioritize her.

So my question is...

Am I the “villain” for choosing my lifelong goals and not moving to my girlfriend in Spokane?

Or is it simply a circumstantial conflict of having different preferred places to live?

It feels like we are both saying “it's my way or the highway”.
Where I am like “I am moving to Portland, you can come or not”. And she is like “I am staying in Spokane, you can join me or not”.

Who is right or wrong here?

I greatly appreciate advice and clarity here. Forgive me for the long post.


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Old 12-27-2016, 09:00 PM
 
Location: NY
9,071 posts, read 15,029,788 times
Reputation: 11504
IMO, if you were deeply in love with her, there would be no ultimatum here. You two would work out where to live and build a life together, and do it as a team.

Prioritizing a city over a relationship is just evidence to show you she is not the one to commit to. IMO.
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Old 12-27-2016, 09:30 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,204 posts, read 41,793,678 times
Reputation: 82987
You're not a villain. That's ridiculous.

You're just not even close to ready to take the step of moving in together.

Ideally, you would be in the same city because being long-distance from the start adds artificial factors to your dynamic that don't give you a true idea of your actual compatibility.

If neither of you is willing to make the sacrifice to move to a different city, then you aren't ready for a commitment.
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Old 12-27-2016, 10:43 PM
 
1,838 posts, read 2,385,384 times
Reputation: 1538
It's time to move on from the relationship. If you move to be with her you will resent her and always desire to live in Portland and I highly doubt the relationship would continue much longer after you move there as you'll hate it and wish it was Portland.


If you were truly compatible this wouldn't even be an issue which is even more reason to let the relationship fizzle. Move to Portland and you'll end up meeting someone there that share the same love and common interest you do. There's no point in forcing something to work when it's obviously not meant too.
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Old 12-27-2016, 10:54 PM
 
Location: South Bay Native
13,385 posts, read 21,937,040 times
Reputation: 23608
I read your entire post and it seems like you're not even interested in solving this impasse, you just want confirmation from us on the internet that you are right or wrong in this situation?

Maybe a relationship isn't something you're ready for.
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Old 12-27-2016, 11:40 PM
 
22 posts, read 12,137 times
Reputation: 37
I am interested in solving this problem, but it seems unsolvable. There seems to be too many circumstantial conflicts. Here is a list of these conflicts that are pulling us apart:

1. My parents' disapproval of her and my deep connection with my parents.
2. A once in a lifetime business opportunity in Portland.
3. Being granted monetary security with the company I work with in Portland and not Spokane.
4. My overwhelming life goal of moving to Portland and the fact that I am closer than ever to attaining that.
5. The fact that I already bought a travel trailer.
6. The fact that I already have advantageous roots in Portland.
7. Her wanting to stay in Spokane.

Here are some ways that it could work out...

1. If my parents loved her and accepted her, then I could more easily throw away my Portland opportunity to be with her in Spokane.
(However this likely won't be resolved anytime soon.)

2. If Portland hadn't been such a life-long goal and if I didn't have the business opportunity, but my parents still disapproved of her then is would be easier to overcome my parents' disapproval and move with her in Spokane.
(However, this likely won't be resolved anytime soon because the business opportunity is still on the table and Portland still exists.)

3. Or if she decided that Portland is the land of opportunity and she actually wanted to move to Portland, then I could probably overcome my parents' disapproval.
(This seems like the more likely option but alas it is extremely risky for her and probably brings about a whole list of her own circumstantial conflicts.)
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Old 12-28-2016, 12:11 AM
 
Location: Vińa del Mar, Chile
16,411 posts, read 26,224,622 times
Reputation: 16496
Location and where to live is quite important.

If a conclusion can't be drawn it probably won't work out. Neither person is as fault. No one should be considered a bad person because they don't want to relocate.

I have to admit though, reading the situation and how you both act kind of gives me a feeling of annoyance and eyes rolling.

You got the girl saying "you should have done more" Jesus Christ..sounds like a cheap d class movie for a high schooler. Then you got the guy still putting effort in an not just moving on.

Grow up, move on and do what's best for you
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Old 12-28-2016, 12:30 AM
 
Location: Pacific Northwest
1,534 posts, read 691,102 times
Reputation: 3094
There's no right or wrong person here. You both made choices that didn't include the other person in your lives, which means you're probably both ready to move on from each other. And IMO, even if you guys lived in the same city, you wouldn't have lasted as couple, based on what you wrote in your original post.

So, move to Portland and start off with a clean slate relationship-wise...
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Old 12-28-2016, 01:24 AM
 
Location: in your dreams
10,890 posts, read 13,550,490 times
Reputation: 15338
Reality check! Talk is cheap and that's all this LDR is about- all talk and no action.

Move on. This thing is over and it clearly ain't happening cuz you both know the compromise is not worth sacrificing your personal goals and desires.

* Stay on good terms, however. You never know where you might end up, or whose company you end up missing the most..
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Old 12-28-2016, 09:55 AM
 
345 posts, read 187,059 times
Reputation: 679
Quote:
Originally Posted by D217 View Post
Reality check! Talk is cheap and that's all this LDR is about- all talk and no action.

Move on. This thing is over and it clearly ain't happening cuz you both know the compromise is not worth sacrificing your personal goals and desires.

* Stay on good terms, however. You never know where you might end up, or whose company you end up missing the most..
I agree with this post.

Also, I don't blame you for not wanting to live in Spokane. Eesh.
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