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Old 01-01-2017, 11:29 PM
 
25 posts, read 12,756 times
Reputation: 10

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I'm a 29 year old guy who has basically never had any dating experience until last year. I've slept with a few women and had some flings but I didn't like any of them enough to make it a relationship. So anyways, I approached and started going out with a very attractive 44 year old woman last year that I met at a bar. I initially approached her because I thought she was 30-35 but I liked her so much that I kept seeing her even after I found out her real age. I had seen her at the same bar a few times over the last 2 years and was immensely attracted to her so I finally made the move.

We were seeing each other for about 3 months in the summer and then I broke it off because she wanted something permanent and I was only in it for FWB. Well I went back to seeing her again a month or so later and we started having sex all the time. The sex was great and we had a great time together. We once again grew apart for a short time period and then started having sex again. Well after a short time period of that, she grew way more distant and always made an excuse not to see me. She ended it because she said that she still had strong feelings for her ex (a total douchebag) and wasn't ready to move on. For me, I was very disappointed because I caught some feelings for her even though I knew it could never last long term (I want kids and she can't have kids - she already has 2). Getting back together with the ex is not an option for her - he's a hardcore pathological liar with a live in GF and they hate each other.

Furthermore, I found out after the fact that she was having sex with the ex towards the end of our thing. One time, we went out on a nice restaurant date to celebrate a huge month for me at work, we had sex before we went and then when we came home, she didn't want me to sleep over... come find out, she had sex with him later on that night. Is it just me or is that horrible??

I am so conflicted about this whole thing. She says I'm absolutely perfect across the board but she knows I am going to want kids in the future so she doesn't want to stick around even for an exclusive relationship knowing that there is no real future. There is no good outcome here.

Her being my first real relationship, I'm finding it hard to move on. I wouldn't say I'm in love with her but I do have feelings for her and I'm finding it very hard to put myself out there again. She was the first attractive woman to like me so much. To this day, she has nothing but awesome things to say about me - says I'm super cute, awesome in bed, super sweet, etc.... Will my feelings for her disappear once I start seeing somebody else that I like? I'm horrible at approaching women so I feel like it's going to be an eternity before I start seeing somebody. In my mind, I know I would be much happier dating an awesome 27 year old girl who has no kids and can see me all the time but it's hard for me to detach myself from my experience of seeing her. I've been awful at dating my whole life (although I'm trying hard to change that).

Last edited by BostonRMelody; 01-01-2017 at 11:43 PM..

 
Old 01-01-2017, 11:47 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,094 posts, read 37,733,259 times
Reputation: 73775
Quote:
Originally Posted by BostonRMelody View Post
There is no good outcome here.
You said it, so we don't have to.

Sorry you are going through this. It sucks. The worst is when the sex is really great but you can't work out the other stuff that matters, because the sex makes you make decisions you know you shouldn't.

Yes, you will eventually find someone else you can have feelings for. Like most difficult things, it just takes time. But a scab won't heal if you constantly pick it.
 
Old 01-01-2017, 11:50 PM
 
25 posts, read 12,756 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
You said it, so we don't have to.

Sorry you are going through this. It sucks. The worst is when the sex is really great but you can't work out the other stuff that matters, because the sex makes you make decisions you know you shouldn't.

Yes, you will eventually find someone else you can have feelings for. Like most difficult things, it just takes time. But a scab won't heal if you constantly pick it.

Our chemistry, both nonsexual and sexual, is off the charts


Really sucks...I don't know if I should be sad that I started seeing her or grateful I did because she did help my confidence so much. She is the first attractive woman to like me and constantly tell me that i'm a great person through and through.
 
Old 01-01-2017, 11:56 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,094 posts, read 37,733,259 times
Reputation: 73775
Quote:
Originally Posted by BostonRMelody View Post
I don't know if I should be sad that I started seeing her or grateful I did because she did help my confidence so much.
My philosophy is that I'd rather regret the things I did than the things I didn't do.
 
Old 01-01-2017, 11:58 PM
 
Location: Eugene, Oregon
7,110 posts, read 2,217,613 times
Reputation: 9667
Quote:
Originally Posted by BostonRMelody View Post
I'm a 29 year old guy who has basically never had any dating experience until last year. I've slept with a few women and had some flings but I didn't like any of them enough to make it a relationship. So anyways, I approached and started going out with a very attractive 44 year old woman last year that I met at a bar. I initially approached her because I thought she was 30-35 but I liked her so much that I kept seeing her even after I found out her real age. I had seen her at the same bar a few times over the last 2 years and was immensely attracted to her so I finally made the move.

We were seeing each other for about 3 months in the summer and then I broke it off because she wanted something permanent and I was only in it for FWB. Well I went back to seeing her again a month or so later and we started having sex all the time. The sex was great and we had a great time together. We once again grew apart for a short time period and then started having sex again. Well after a short time period of that, she grew way more distant and always made an excuse not to see me. She ended it because she said that she still had strong feelings for her ex (a total douchebag) and wasn't ready to move on. For me, I was very disappointed because I caught some feelings for her even though I knew it could never last long term (I want kids and she can't have kids - she already has 2). Getting back together with the ex is not an option for her - he's a hardcore pathological liar with a live in GF and they hate each other.

Furthermore, I found out after the fact that she was having sex with the ex towards the end of our thing. One time, we went out on a nice restaurant date to celebrate a huge month for me at work, we had sex before we went and then when we came home, she didn't want me to sleep over... come find out, she had sex with him later on that night. Is it just me or is that horrible??

I am so conflicted about this whole thing. She says I'm absolutely perfect across the board but she knows I am going to want kids in the future so she doesn't want to stick around even for an exclusive relationship knowing that there is no real future. There is no good outcome here.

Her being my first real relationship, I'm finding it hard to move on. I wouldn't say I'm in love with her but I do have feelings for her and I'm finding it very hard to put myself out there again. She was the first attractive woman to like me so much. To this day, she has nothing but awesome things to say about me - says I'm super cute, awesome in bed, super sweet, etc.... Will my feelings for her disappear once I start seeing somebody else that I like? I'm horrible at approaching women so I feel like it's going to be an eternity before I start seeing somebody. In my mind, I know I would be much happier dating an awesome 27 year old girl who has no kids and can see me all the time but it's hard for me to detach myself from my experience of seeing her. I've been awful at dating my whole life (although I'm trying hard to change that).
Now that you're an experienced man-of-the-world, thanks to this woman, you should find it much easier to get connected with a younger woman, who may want the same things you do. When you do, your lingering thoughts about this older woman will quickly become less bothersome.
 
Old 01-02-2017, 12:02 AM
 
25 posts, read 12,756 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
My philosophy is that I'd rather regret the things I did than the things I didn't do.

the screwed up thing is that people advised me not to tell her that I want to have kids and just keep seeing her/go with the flow


if I did that, she would have likely fell hard for me...which would have been awesome and horrible at the same time. Awesome for the time I was seeing her and then god awful when we had to break it off
 
Old 01-02-2017, 12:05 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,094 posts, read 37,733,259 times
Reputation: 73775
Quote:
Originally Posted by BostonRMelody View Post
the screwed up thing is that people advised me not to tell her that I want to have kids and just keep seeing her/go with the flow


if I did that, she would have likely fell hard for me...which would have been awesome and horrible at the same time. Awesome for the time I was seeing her and then god awful when we had to break it off
Yeah, it's better if you aren't a cruel a-hole.

Now you get to have SOME say in how you leave things, rather than experiencing a break-up compounded by rage and pain (mainly hers).
 
Old 01-02-2017, 12:28 AM
 
6,100 posts, read 2,305,575 times
Reputation: 9707
Quote:
Originally Posted by BostonRMelody View Post
the screwed up thing is that people advised me not to tell her that I want to have kids

if I did that, she would have likely fell hard for me..
Or not.
It sounds like she understands what FWB means. So what if you heard she had sex w/her ex.
What was YOUR role in this 'FWB' situation with an older woman you had no future plans with? It seems like you were serious, monogamous, and still can't get her off of your mind.
I hope you can have kids.
 
Old 01-02-2017, 12:33 AM
 
25 posts, read 12,756 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL View Post
Or not.
It sounds like she understands what FWB means. So what if you heard she had sex w/her ex.
What was YOUR role in this 'FWB' situation with an older woman you had no future plans with? It seems like you were serious, monogamous, and still can't get her off of your mind.
I hope you can have kids.

I don't know, our situation was weird


Yes I told her it was FWB but at many times we were seeing each other 2-5 times a week, having sex constantly (she lives in my subdivision). I didn't have sex with anybody else in the time I was seeing her. I went out on dates with her. I like her a lot more beyond just the sex. She has nothing but awesome things to say about me to this day. I'm absolutely certain that if I didn't tell her it wasn't going to be permanent, she would have fell hard for me. Our chemistry was great, we got along great. Just sucks that there is no happy outcome here in any scenario.


Why wouldn't I be able to have kids? I'm a 29 year old male who is very healthy
 
Old 01-02-2017, 12:39 AM
 
6,100 posts, read 2,305,575 times
Reputation: 9707
That was my point, you called it FWB and didn't see anyone else, but sound mad that she did? Everything doesn't have to have a label. Things don't always work out the way we plan.
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