Should I give me another chance? (men, dumped, restaurant, serious)

[Linguist]

Me:
Hey, I have a question (it is probably not a good idea to ask over texts but I have to ).
So, how do you see the things between you and me? Are you looking for something casual?

He:
Feel free to ask me these things In person, don't be shy :-). To answer your question, I think we have chemistry and I want to see how things develop. Also, I am not looking for something casual but instead, for something more meaningful. How do you feel?

Me:
Sorry, I got busy. Will text you later. (then I got back to him 3 hours later, I really got busy).
That is how I feel too. I am not really interested in anything casual. I like spending time with you, so yeah, let's see how things develop.

This was around 8pm. I dont hear from him the next day and also the day after so I texted him.

Me:
Let me know if you are going to be home this evening. I will be in your area around 8pm, and want to drop off the book.

He:
I'll be home at around 8 pm. Why are you dropping off the book?

Me:
I haven't finished the book but it is better to give it back
to you tonight.
I will be out of town next week. And I also do not want to continue whatever was going on between us.

He:
Why? No chemistry?

Me:
It is just not what I had in mind. I wanted to see how things progress and how I feel, but it is not moving in that direction at all.
He:
That's okay, no worries. Sorry it didn't work out. Don't worry about the book, view it as an early Christmas gift. I wish you nothing but the best and it was nice to meet you.

Me:
Ok, thank you. Nice to meet you too.

About ten days later....

Him:
How was your trip? Hope you had a wonderful new year. Just making sure you are well.

Me:
Thank you. I am doing fine. The trip was really fun. It was completely unplanned but turned out great.
How have you been? Still working on your paper?

Him:
Glad to hear it. Where did you travel? Did you have yummy food? All is well on my end. This past week has been a bit hectic as I had to prepare for my meeting with the professor but overall, I believe it went well. Any chance you would join me for dinner at some point. I apologize if I was distant before. It was a very hectic time and I was lost in my own head.
Now, I agreed to see him the following week and he kept texting me the entire evening and every or every second day up to two days ago when we met. The rest you know.

[oh-eve]

Originally Posted by Linguist

Me:
Hey, I have a question (it is probably not a good idea to ask over texts but I have to ).
So, how do you see the things between you and me? Are you looking for something casual?

He:
Feel free to ask me these things In person, don't be shy :-). To answer your question, I think we have chemistry and I want to see how things develop. Also, I am not looking for something casual but instead, for something more meaningful. How do you feel?

Me:
Sorry, I got busy. Will text you later. (then I got back to him 3 hours later, I really got busy).
That is how I feel too. I am not really interested in anything casual. I like spending time with you, so yeah, let's see how things develop.

This was around 8pm. I dont hear from him the next day and also the day after so I texted him.

Me:
Let me know if you are going to be home this evening. I will be in your area around 8pm, and want to drop off the book.

He:
I'll be home at around 8 pm. Why are you dropping off the book?

Me:
I haven't finished the book but it is better to give it back
to you tonight.
I will be out of town next week. And I also do not want to continue whatever was going on between us.

He:
Why? No chemistry?

Me:
It is just not what I had in mind. I wanted to see how things progress and how I feel, but it is not moving in that direction at all.
He:
That's okay, no worries. Sorry it didn't work out. Don't worry about the book, view it as an early Christmas gift. I wish you nothing but the best and it was nice to meet you.

Me:
Ok, thank you. Nice to meet you too.

About ten days later....

Him:
How was your trip? Hope you had a wonderful new year. Just making sure you are well.

Me:
Thank you. I am doing fine. The trip was really fun. It was completely unplanned but turned out great.
How have you been? Still working on your paper?

Him:
Glad to hear it. Where did you travel? Did you have yummy food? All is well on my end. This past week has been a bit hectic as I had to prepare for my meeting with the professor but overall, I believe it went well. Any chance you would join me for dinner at some point. I apologize if I was distant before. It was a very hectic time and I was lost in my own head.
Now, I agreed to see him the following week and he kept texting me the entire evening and every or every second day up to two days ago when we met. The rest you know.

He sounds like a keeper. Very well mannered. Most guys would not have answered you when you ended things. And most guys would have been too proud to contact you again after that.

[Linguist]

He is well mannered and very educated and I do like him. Sometimes, I feel like he is way out of my league. Maybe that can explain my fear of being lead on.I am an international student (English is not my first langage) and I am still struggling with my BA degree (struggling in financial sense).

[oh-eve]

Originally Posted by Linguist

He is well mannered and very educated and I do like him. Sometimes, I feel like he is way out of my league. Maybe that can explain my fear of being lead on.I am an international student (English is not my first langage) and I am still struggling with my BA degree (struggling in financial sense).

I am a foreigner who just completed her masters and I see it this way - I have accomplished something great in a language that is still sometimes difficult to me. You are way ahead of many people. Be proud of yourself. Most Americans don't even get that far and you took this opportunity and left your homecountry for something so great.


He would most likely not be able to go to school in a different country. He is not out of your league and even if he is - he doesn't seem to see it this way. He likes you! And maybe dating a foreigner is super interesting to him.

[BirdieBelle]

You sound kind of cold in those texts, OP.

[Linguist]

Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life

You sound kind of cold in those texts, OP.

I know, that is who I am. I dont mean it, just I guess I am too guarded.

[Tinawina]

OP, I am not at all trying to be presumptuous or condescending. I am going to ask you an honest question here. Do you know anything about the dissertation process?

It's grueling. He's essentially writing a 100-150 page book. Every paragraph has to be grounded in research and backed up by a million citations. His advisor has to approve every sentence before he's allowed to go before of a panel of faculty and defend his research from their barrage of questions challenging his work. One word from either entity can (and offer does) send you back to the drawing board.

Doctoral candidates are often encouraged not to work while writing because many who try to do both simulateously don't finish. Writing a dissertation is considered a job by itself.

The divorce rate among doctoral students is high. Many in long term relationships don't survive one of the couple taking on graduate school, since that person typically disappears mentally and emotionally to some degree.

You are starting a relationship with a guy in the he middle of THAT.

He's almost done. If you don't have the ability to give this man a break and be patient, do him a favor and leave him alone.

There is no shame in that. You know your own needs. But be honest with yourself and him before you continue.

[Linguist]

Originally Posted by Tinawina

OP, I am not at all trying to be presumptuous or condescending. I am going to ask you an honest question here. Do you know anything about the dissertation process?

It's grueling. He's essentially writing a 100-150 page book. Every paragraph has to be grounded in research and backed up by a million citations. His advisor has to approve every sentence before he's allowed to go before of a panel of faculty and defend his research from their barrage of questions challenging his work. One word from either entity can (and offer does) send you back to the drawing board.

Doctoral candidates are often encouraged not to work while writing because many who try to do both simulateously don't finish. Writing a dissertation is considered a job by itself.

The divorce rate among doctoral students is high. Many in long term relationships don't survive one of the couple taking on graduate school, since that person typically disappears mentally and emotionally to some degree.

You are starting a relationship with a guy in the he middle of THAT.

He's almost done. If you don't have the ability to give this man a break and be patient, do him a favor and leave him alone.

There is no shame in that. You know your own needs. But be honest with yourself and him before you continue.

Btw on our last date I found out he actually worked only part time and from home, but the rest of the time he worked on his PhD. Anyway, yes I am trying to be understanding and if it was only lack of communication I would have been more patient.
But it was a combination of the following:

Splitting the check
Inviting me over on the third date (after splitting the check on the second)
Texting me every two/three days
Not kissing me unless it is somehow related to sex or is in the bedroom

[geminigirl7]

He sounds like a sweet and sincere guy from his texts. He told you that he's not looking for something casual and he does have a lot going on so I would give it a little time and see how things play out.

[Tinawina]

Originally Posted by Linguist

Btw on our last date I found out he actually worked only part time and from home, but the rest of the time he worked on his PhD. Anyway, yes I am trying to be understanding and if it was only lack of communication I would have been more patient.
But it was a combination of the following:

Splitting the check
Inviting me over on the third date (after splitting the check on the second)
Texting me every two/three days
Not kissing me unless it is somehow related to sex or is in the bedroom

Honey, this is not working for you. No matter what anyone says you still have a gut feeling he's insincere.

Let him go. Find someone else more to your liking. Stop wasting his time and yours.