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I'm mid-30s, the GF is early 20s. There's a 13 year ago gap between us. She's a full-time grad student. We started off casually and moved in together after a few months of dating. We've been dating for 2 years now and I've provided all her tuition and expenses, as well as the perks of dating an established bachelor with disposable income and lots of toys.
Since she's young, she's still influenced by her peer group and the grad school social life. It has caused issue in our relationship early on. I made a point to allow her to feel as free as possible and no longer displayed jealous or insecure behavior. This helped a lot and she opened up to me a lot more over the years.
We haven't discussed marriage or kids directly, it's more of a vague or open ended comment here and there. Her girlfriend's are pretty cordial with me and privately state to me "you guys are an awesome couple", "I hope you guys get married". "I tell your GF all the time, how wonderful of a guy you are"., etc..
I'm conflicted because there are hints of us being serious; and at the same time, she expresses a want of independence and can be hot/cold, sometimes distant (We're both introverts).
Because of the ambiguity of the relationship and the uncertainty of dating a 20-something; I've been considering breaking it off for my own sanity. Her final grad school classes can be taken online. I have the opportunity to relocate across the country for leisurely life on the beach. My logic is that if she is serious, she'll relocate with me. If its all fake, and I'm more of a convenience for her I'd imagine she'd have an excuse to stay behind.
Been in your shoes with a bigger age gap. Same deal. The young friends loved me and told her how lucky she was to have me and what a cute couple we were. She talked long term and i wouldn't hear of it. She was not long about leaving. If i had it to do over again things would be different.
Big risk on your part to give an ultimatum. Hope you have a plan to live this carefree beach life happily without her if you are willing to gamble she will come with. Good luck to you. Let us know what she says.
You sound like her Sugar Daddy...not her boyfriend.
This. I never understood why the OP is paying her tuition and bills. Who was paying for that before they got together? It sounds like basically, he bought her attention. And he's wondering why she's distant sometimes, and hot/cold? Dude, it sounds like she's just not that into you. And why would someone in their mid-20's, still in school, want to get involved long term with someone already in middle age, soon to show signs of aging, if it's not for the free ride and as you called them--"the perks" of being with an older guy with lots of disposable income and a lot of toys?
It's so interesting the way the OP phrased the situation, and then he's surprised she might only be in it for the free tuition and "the perks". It really sounds like--whether consciously or unconsciously--he set it up to be that way from the get-go.
OP, move to the beach, and find someone closer to your own age who has their own income and can buy their own "perks". Someone on an equal footing to you, whose affection you don't need to buy. Someone who's into you for you. Or are you afraid you don't have that much to offer, other than material benefits?
It's generally not a good idea to test someone you supposedly love with "logic" like that.
It reads like you want to move to a new opportunity and are ambivalent about her being a part of that. If that's the case, then say so. She will know full well what her own choices are, although she may not be emotionally mature enough to make a choice that makes the most sense for both of you.
This doesn't even address the fact that you've been supporting her for these years and now are considering stopping that, which isn't the most important factor here but certainly will influence her emotional state and decision-making process.
Yes it is good to look at with that logic.
He mentions that she is hot and cold. He has second thoughts that her feelings for him are genuine, that she may be using him. In his mind, a male mind, a logical mind, this is simply an A or B conclusion. And I agree.
She is easily influenced not just because of her age...that's an excuse to excuse her responsibility in all things
If you feel she is incapable of having a mutually respected relationship, you should just move on. I mean really...at the end of the day what are you doing here with her?
I'm mid-30s, the GF is early 20s. There's a 13 year ago gap between us. She's a full-time grad student. We started off casually and moved in together after a few months of dating. We've been dating for 2 years now and I've provided all her tuition and expenses, as well as the perks of dating an established bachelor with disposable income and lots of toys.
Since she's young, she's still influenced by her peer group and the grad school social life. It has caused issue in our relationship early on. I made a point to allow her to feel as free as possible and no longer displayed jealous or insecure behavior. This helped a lot and she opened up to me a lot more over the years.
We haven't discussed marriage or kids directly, it's more of a vague or open ended comment here and there. Her girlfriend's are pretty cordial with me and privately state to me "you guys are an awesome couple", "I hope you guys get married". "I tell your GF all the time, how wonderful of a guy you are"., etc..
I'm conflicted because there are hints of us being serious; and at the same time, she expresses a want of independence and can be hot/cold, sometimes distant (We're both introverts).
Because of the ambiguity of the relationship and the uncertainty of dating a 20-something; I've been considering breaking it off for my own sanity. Her final grad school classes can be taken online. I have the opportunity to relocate across the country for leisurely life on the beach. My logic is that if she is serious, she'll relocate with me. If its all fake, and I'm more of a convenience for her I'd imagine she'd have an excuse to stay behind.
It has been a huge learning lesson. After posting I was set on making a stance of "you're either in or you're out"... This didn't go over well. In fact we argued, she ran home to family and friends. We had over a week of no contact. It was a painful but refreshing break.
After some time away we finally had an open and honest discussion. She laid out her stresses; course load, potential job offers, summer travel plans, cities she had been considering moving to after graduating. I didn't take this as her being selfish or planning on doing things without me. I listened to her talk and I understood exactly where she was coming from.
This lead to me traveling more and plotting what it was that I wanted. As I started focusing more on myself... she gradually started to open up. I noticed she was pursuing me more and had a much calmer demeanor in my presence. She'd say things like "my last classes are online so I'm free to go wherever". She asked me point blank why I wanted to relocate and I pulled my notes out and we talked about pros and cons of my choices. After a few days I noticed she would talk in terms of "we" and her thoughts on the cities I was narrowing down to. She's now actively involved in "OUR" relocation plans.
In hindsight, maybe she was looking for me to take the lead all along ?!?
How is 41 "mid-30's"? And 26 is mid, not early twenties. I pass for 5-10 years younger, but I don't claim to be...
I guess the next time someone says they're 35, I should assume they're really 40-something.
Right- very weird.
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