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I decided three months ago that I'll give him more time. I really wanna be with him, but I know this cannot go on forever. I don't know yet when I would walk away, I guess I'm still hoping he'll come around at some point since he said he would.
I recently met an older man who mentioned that he and his GF had been living together for twenty-seven years but that she was "still hoping that we would get married". And, it really did not sound like he was joking.
As I mentioned earlier in the thread, a friend of my husband had multiple women (in a row, not at the same time) who he strung along for three, four, or five years letting them think that he would eventually marry them while he never, ever had any intention of doing that (he just liked the live-in sex). Yes, he was a jerk. They were all smart women, but I could never understand how they couldn't see through his indecision and realize sooner that he was never going to marry them.
Sounds like he is not understanding how to OPs interaction with the friend is uncomfortable. If the bf isn't able to comprehend by having it explained, maybe he would understand if the OP played it out for him. I don't mean for this to be revenge, but more like role playing. The OP and bf should spend a few hours together hanging out, going out to dinner or whatever they do for fun. Then the bf could try to engage in conversation and the OP could give the shortest answers possible and not even look at him or talk to him otherwise. Then the bf could let the OP know if he liked that.
I recently met an older man who mentioned that he and his GF had been living together for twenty-seven years but that she was "still hoping that we would get married". And, it really did not sound like he was joking.
As I mentioned earlier in the thread, a friend of my husband had multiple women (in a row, not at the same time) who he strung along for three, four, or five years letting them think that he would eventually marry them while he never, ever had any intention of doing that (he just liked the live-in sex). Yes, he was a jerk. They were all smart women, but I could never understand how they couldn't see through his indecision and realize sooner that he was never going to marry them.
The women allowed themselves to be "strung along". And in the 27 yr situation the woman is just plain stupid.
Some silly women get all excited and giddy when they announce "He asked me to move in" or "He wants to move in". They tell themselves it's a prelude to marriage. haha!
First, the dude didn't even bother to ask his lady if it would be OK for his "friend" to stay with them. Totally "uncool."
Dropping my surfboard now......
Second, anyone with half a brain can see that their better half is bothered by the mere presence of the "intruder." This guy needs to buy a dose of reality....here's a quarter. Or.....he couldn't care less about his lady's feelings. Red flag either way.
Which leads to the OP......Babe, you need to grow a backbone. It's YOUR home, married or not. Need to politely ask her to leave.....first step...ya know what the second step is.......
Third, regarding the unemployed freeloader.......this bloody tart doesn't respect the relationship and certainly wouldn't be a friend of the marriage if'n there was one. Somebody's gotta go.
Locksmiths will only change locks at the request of the owner of the property, and proof of ownership is usually requested. This especially applies to apartment complexes. (Otherwise anyone could willy-nilly have locks changed for any building - what a fiasco that would be. )
Furthermore, someone mentioned that the other woman might be considered a tenant at this stage. Even though the property management might not yet know of her existence, they might have to go thru formal eviction procedures to get rid of her. Even if OP/bf had a friend come change the locks (vs an actual locksmith), she could call the police and get right back in. And it's not just about 'paying a fee' - there are severe penalties for an illegal eviction and/or putting someone's possessions outside.
All that is more than a bit overly-dramatic and moot........neither OP nor bf have asked for her key or told the woman to leave.
Agree... A tenant just going and changing the locks is never a good idea. The penalties for changing a lock without approval can be severe - like forfeiting the security deposit. Changing the locks or having an unauthorized sublet can also start an eviction process, e.g. if they want tenants out in order to increase rents in time for spring, or other financial incentive.
There is also a statute called the crime-free housing law in some municipalities that give landlords a lot of leeway in eviction if there is any suspected illegal activity, perhaps being flagged by an unauthorized lock change...
And if the guest just wants to squat, that could be disastrous. Depending on city, landlord may need to send her a 30 day quit notice before starting court process which is often delayed in winter months..
It sounds dramatic, but seeing this girl has no job, maybe no other home, is not at all looking for work, has a key, doesn't seem to want to leave, seems to be making herself at home...
I have seen somewhat similar cases of squatting - especially surrounding divorces/breakups - nothing surprises me anymore. If I were the OP, I'd be worried about protecting my finances/credit... This is why I asked the OP if her name was on the lease, though she hasn't answered this question.
Of course. Changing the locks would be a last resort, if the visitor refuses to relinquish the key. I thought that was clear. If it's the only way to get someone out, paying a fee would be a small price to pay to get the job done. Or, I guess the OP could wrestle it out of her hand or pocket, to save the lock-change fee.
Advocating for a tenant to just change the locks is bad advice.
I better stop reading this thread otherwise I will have no hair left. I'm tearing my hair reading this thread on the Internet. Bf needs to be slapped around, figuratively, and not the girl.
Great post! I am starting to feel the same way.
OP....Good luck, update.
Agree... A tenant just going and changing the locks is never a good idea. The penalties for changing a lock without approval can be severe - like forfeiting the security deposit. Changing the locks or having an unauthorized sublet can also start an eviction process, e.g. if they want tenants out in order to increase rents in time for spring, or other financial incentive.
And if the guest just wants to squat, that could be disastrous. Depending on city, landlord may need to send her a 30 day notice before starting court process which is often delayed in winter months.. It sounds dramatic, but seeing this girl has no job, maybe no other home, is not at all looking for work, has a key, doesn't seem to want to leave, seems to be making herself at home...
I have seen somewhat similar cases of squatting - especially surrounding divorces/breakups - nothing surprises me anymore. If I were the OP, I'd be worried about protecting my finances/credit... This is why I asked the OP if her name was on the lease, though she hasn't answer this question.
My name is on the lease, yes. Bf name too. I don't think this girl is trying to become an official tenant or wouldn't give back the keys, I don't have that impression. I'm more under the impression that she would 'just' actually stay here for a month or two before she moves on to the next 'friend' to keep freeloading.
About the marriage thing, well. Do you guys actually think that EVERY man would get married when he thinks he found 'The one' (I hate that expression)? Did he just never change his opinion because he could imagine to get married, just not to ME? Why would he even waste his time then with me? In the last few years, we attended several weddings of his male friends and I remember him saying about at least two of those guys 'I can't believe he's getting married. He always said he would never get married'. One of those 'I will never get married'-guys dated his gf for a year only before he proposed. Bf acted as if he thought they're crazy and that he doesn't get why they changed their mind. Maybe he just didn't change his mind because it's ME who he's with? Maybe.
Bf acted as if he thought they're crazy and that he doesn't get why they changed their mind. Maybe he just didn't change his mind because it's ME who he's with? Maybe.
Just like your houseguest, your BF isn't feeling any pressure.
As far as he knows, he's got the "married lifestyle," with a built-in partner and date. So those questions are answered. And you moved there for him, so there's no need for him to pursue you.
But to answer your question, yes there are men who want to marry the women they love.
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