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It's not about "picking a woman". It's about the simple fact that the woman is usually in charge of the relationship. Also, I grew up in an heavily authoritarian household, where thoughts, wishes, and opinions didn't matter. I was also told that when I get married, I will have to sacrifice my hobbies and interests. So now, I view my future SO as an overbearing authority figure, only this time, I have a choice of permanently excluding her from my life.
Now, I've had relationships in my early 20's, and those were kind of nice, at least by my standards at the time. But it was a different life stage: the one where men are permitted most of life's freedoms (not sexual freedoms) within a relationship. This changes dramatically once you hit 30. I've seen my friends go from fun, outgoing, mildly-crazy guys to sedate and codependent, and their only outings are with other couples. Granted, I'm no spring chicken---heck, my body says "uncle!" by 1:00 AM---but all couples going home at 9:30 PM is just . I know it's the women who tire the earliest, from tagging along as the odd-numbered wheel.
As for me, my social life hasn't suffered at all; it only shifted over to Meetup. I enjoy those the events I go to, and they're perfectly G-rated events, although they do oftentimes run late. So I don't want yet another authority figure to unilaterally take that away from me.
With that mindset, and with your parents' voices still apparently a very active soundtrack playing in your head, it's probably best that you remain single. Your experience certainly isn't universal to all relationships.
With that mindset, and with your parents' voices still apparently a very active soundtrack playing in your head, it's probably best that you remain single. Your experience certainly isn't universal to all relationships.
I also don't really see where it helps the OP.
It's meant to be a retroactive cautionary tale. It seems like the OP's husband is trying to have a fun social life (I'm hoping nothing untoward happens), but is being thwarted. All in all, this looks like an extrovert/introvert mismatch.
It's not about "picking a woman". It's about the simple fact that the woman is usually in charge of the relationship. Also, I grew up in an heavily authoritarian household, where my thoughts, wishes, and opinions didn't matter. I was also told that when I get married, I will have to sacrifice my hobbies and interests. So now, I view my future SO as an overbearing authority figure, only this time, I have a choice of permanently excluding her from my life.
Now, I've had relationships in my early 20's, and those were kind of nice, at least by my standards at the time. But it was a different life stage: the one where men are permitted most of life's freedoms (not sexual freedoms) within a relationship. This changes dramatically once you hit 30. I've seen my friends go from fun, outgoing, mildly-crazy guys to sedate and codependent, and their only outings are with other couples. Granted, I'm no spring chicken---heck, my body says "uncle!" by 1:00 AM---but all couples going home at 9:30 PM is just . I know it's the women who tire the earliest, from tagging along as the odd-numbered wheel.
As for me, my social life hasn't suffered at all; it only shifted over to Meetup. I enjoy those the events I go to, and they're perfectly G-rated events, although they do oftentimes run late. So I don't want yet another authority figure to unilaterally take that away from me.
You're under the mistaken belief (at least in some cases) that these men are all whipped when in fact many of them are just "growing up" or more neutrally, changing and growing and this is what they WANT to do. If these men want to have kids - and most men do at some point - then that does not mix with frequent all night benders...maybe one a year? If they didn't want to make these changes then they should not have and they should not have gotten in these relationships where that was part of the bargain of raising a family.
So you can react as strongly as you want to your heavily authoritarian household as a kid. You come from a certain perspective that not all shared and certainly not all men feel the need to fight against. The older you get, the fewer friends you'll have that are single so get used to it. Now, they'll start getting divorced once they approach 40 so you can again have your time in the sun - and they'll likely be outdrinking and outwomanizing YOU by then!
The thing that sticks out to me is the fact that he was "exhausted" when at your friend's place, and then all of a sudden getting enough energy to go out with his buddies. In my opinion, no, that is absolutely NOT reasonable.
You've got to speak to him and hash out some mutually agreeable compromise on this.
This, and the cancelled dinner plans, bc he'd rather be w/his friends than with you.
You've only been married a few months? It's not going to get any better, OP. You have a long marriage ahead of you. I think this is who he his, given that he was this way during dating. So this is what you chose, though you thought it had been resolved. Personally, this doesn't look like something I'd want to stick around for, to see what it morphs into in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years.
It's meant to be a retroactive cautionary tale. It seems like the OP's husband is trying to have a fun social life (I'm hoping nothing untoward happens), but is being thwarted. All in all, this looks like an extrovert/introvert mismatch.
Cautionary against ... what? Living with your parents???
You don't have any experience as a spouse, correct?
You're mostly still reacting to your own childhood and projecting that distorted view onto other relationships. It's not really relevant because this guy may not share any of your views. And, like it or not, the definition of a "fun social life" changes when you pledge to put another person first for the rest of your life.
That was another thing. He usually wouldn't invite me. Last night he did invite me but I was already in my pjs. Pretty sure he knew I was going to say no anyways. So he did just start a new job though so he doesn't see these "coworkers" anymore. He now only works with one guy so he said he misses socializing which I guess I understand.
Quote:
Originally Posted by warhorse78
Now this is your fault. If he asked you to come, you should've thrown on some clothes and gone with him. To me, this looks like he's trying to communicate to you the best he can, but you chose to stay home and feel sorry for yourself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63
Totally disagree. If he'd seriously wanted to included the OP he would have said something AT LEAST when he saw she was changing into PJ's, and preferably earlier in the evening or in the day! Nope - seems well-planned by him to get points for asking but with no skin off his nose.
OP - don't accept this. He is not being considerate. In a serious relationship you let each other know what you're doing...not because of "bossiness" but because you either want to include them or you want them to be able to plan their own thing and not "worry" about the other.
Quote:
Originally Posted by warhorse78
I still say she should have just thrown on some clothes and gone with him.
I'm going to have to agree with renee, while the OP could have "thrown on some clothes", put her make-up back on, fixed her hair, etc. and went out with her husband IMHO he probably deliberately waited until it would be much more difficult for her to say "Yes".
If he really wanted her to come he should have mentioned it as soon as they got home from work or at least when he noticed her putting on her PJs and getting ready for bed. IMHO, he never intended it as a "real invitation" but as something that he could throw back in her face like "Well, Honey, I asked you to come out with me last Friday and you said 'no'".
warhorse, I am guessing that you are male. For many women, it is not as easy as just taking off your PJs and "throwing on some clothes". I bet that the OP would have wanted to take a shower after a hard day of work and maybe even wash her hair before going out on a Friday night. At the very minimum, she would probably need to reapply her makeup and fix her hair before going out and meeting a lot of people in a public place.
I pictured hubby standing in the doorway with his coat on saying "Hey, come out with me RIGHT NOW" expecting her to be ready to leave with him in 30 seconds and she is in her PJs ready for bed.
The older you get, the fewer friends you'll have that are single so get used to it. Now, they'll start getting divorced once they approach 40 so you can again have your time in the sun - and they'll likely be outdrinking and outwomanizing YOU by then!
I actually have zero single friends now, if you don't count new friends in Meetup. (A few people used the word "friend" in conversation with me, so I'm not just idealizing. It might also be a casual usage of the word, but whatever.) The groups I'm in have a nice mix of couples, singles, and divorcees, just enough to have a rational, balanced vibe. Sometimes people come with their partner, sometimes they come alone, and all's good, due to excellent self-policing. Group members are generally aware of who's with who, so they know who not to approach at dance events. (Although if it's classic dancing, people intermingle there as well.) There's none of that insularity I'm reacting against.
While I would never wish divorce on my friends, especially after they have kids, your post got me intrigued. I'm curious how the group dynamic among my long-time friends will change yet again after a rash of divorces, like it did after a rash of settling down.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
Cautionary against ... what? Living with your parents???
Against living with a significant other. It's like being in prison and having the correctional officer as your cellmate.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 02-12-2017 at 11:39 AM..
I actually have zero single friends now, if you don't count new friends in Meetup. (A few people used the word "friend" in conversation with me, so I'm not just idealizing. It might also be a casual usage of the word, but whatever.) The groups I'm in have a nice mix of couples, singles, and divorcees, just enough to have a rational, balanced vibe. Sometimes people come with their partner, sometimes they come alone, and all's good, due to excellent self-policing. Group members are generally aware of who's with who, so they know who not to approach at dance events. (Although if it's classic dancing, people intermingle there as well.) There's none of that insularity I'm reacting against.
While I would never wish divorce on my friends, especially after they have kids, your post got me intrigued. I'm curious how the group dynamic among my long-time friends will change yet again after a rash of divorces, like it did after a rash of settling down.
Against living with a significant other. It's like being in prison and having the correctional officer as your cellmate.
OK, that explains it all.........I can understand why you're single.
Now this is your fault. If he asked you to come, you should've thrown on some clothes and gone with him. To me, this looks like he's trying to communicate to you the best he can, but you chose to stay home and feel sorry for yourself.
No I think it looks like he knew she was already in her pjs, and so felt "safe" to ask her to come out, knowing full well that she wouldn't. I do think she should have called his bluff, got dressed and gone with him.
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. I know it's the women who tire the earliest, from tagging along as the odd-numbered wheel.
