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Hey, the OP asked the question: "What did YOU learn from a bad MARRIAGE?", I provided my answer. Made sure to avoid all those things in all future relationships and now I am happily married with someone who does not have any of those things.
I cant help it if you guys can handle my answers.
Actually the question was: NOTE: What have you learned from a bad marriage about yourself....
You do know, don't you, that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not them? They don 't even have to know you've forgiven them. Until you do, however, you're forever tied to them because you continue to give them power over your emotions. Is that really what you want to do? To me it's far better to forgive and dismiss them.
Actually the question was: NOTE: What have you learned from a bad marriage about yourself....
You seemed to miss the "about yourself" part...
Thread title didnt include the "about yourself" part. You should try not to be so hung up on me and what I say. I responded to what the THREAD TITLE said as did many other posters here.
You do know, don't you, that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not them? They don 't even have to know you've forgiven them. Until you do, however, you're forever tied to them because you continue to give them power over your emotions. Is that really what you want to do? To me it's far better to forgive and dismiss them.
to each in his/her own time....I'm certain he knows....please remember, he is not you and you are not me....so...and I'm not trying to say your wrong, what I'm saying is, please understand, we don't all think alike. After I left my husband, I was so desperate to heal, to get rid of that pain inside, it was horrible...words cannot describe that emptiness, that pathetic feeling of betrayal... Anyway, this woman said, it took her 3 years....and I counted the days until then....what took her 3 years, may have take me 5 or less than 3 years, hard to tell, to each in his own. When you go thru something so tramatic like this, it is hard to totally forgive...I just thank my lucky stars I'm alive and well and away from him....
The purpose of this thread was to help others open up about their pain, and sorrow...and to also let them know, that from all bad comes some good.
I can forgive, but will never forget....ever....and the sad part is, I feel badly for my ex's now wife...I know she is a nice person....however, when you run around with a married man, karma will get to you....he will drive her literally nuts. He is so controlling, but then so was his mother...something went horribly wrong in that family....the one sister chose to move as far away as she could? He told me once, when he was a kid, he left the table without asking to be excused. His father came and got him, put a dog leash on him and tied him to the table. Pretty sick huh?
His best friend has called me and asked me to not return to him, until he could treat me, the way I deserved to be treated. To this day I thank God for his words and for his sister's words. She said, "I love my brother, b/c he's my brother, but you've got to get outa there before he drives you crazy".
I to, lost friends and even a family member...he made sure of that....you see, he loved to fish and hunt, my cousin's husband, hunts and fishes, and my ex made certain they were still friends....to this day...plus, my cousin's husband does taxidermy, which was convenient for my ex. I knew my cousin since little of course, but, she had been soured by an extremely abusive childhood, and she literally wanted to believe my ex, that I was a bad person....so, I just had to leave them go. As far as my cousin goes, I could never trust her again....she lied to me about this, and it hurt bad...what she did was also a betrayal.
If it had been a normal separation, one in which didn't involve such crazy situations and lies, I would not care if they were friend, but they chose to believe him. And that cut deeply. She made a comment once to me, that some men have a reason to run around....I'm sorry, but no spouse has any reason to run around, you want to run around, leave first....have some respect for yourself and them....she at the time was talking about her daughter, b/c her daughter's husband was running around. She said, her daughter was a Bi---. I told her, no one has the right to run around, regardless. You can't mentally be sound to run around on your spouse...or even mentally available. You cannot jump from relationship to relationship. It's impossible and unhealthy.
Also, some friends of mine who I loved very dearly, his wife who passed away was one of my best friends. He remarried, and the woman he married, did not like the fact that he and I are close friends, so she chose to tell her husband that I was angry with him for taking my ex's side. I was not....but, I never wanted to get in-between that...(his son had warned me that his new wife was intimidated by our friendship to be very careful) I was going thru enough, so I just backed off....it's been over 20 years. He also hunts and fishes....
so for my ex, it was convenient for him to remain friends with these two people who were friends of mine....
I guess they weren't really friends of mine, though....were they?
Funny how you think you know people.
Yes, forgiveness is a gift one gives themselves....truly....but sometimes, it's easier said than done. Personally I don't believe I harbor any anger towards these people....in every slit, people do take sides, and it's totally their choice....
But it still hurts.
Last edited by cremebrulee; 02-21-2017 at 06:20 AM..
to each in his/her own time....I'm certain he knows....please remember, he is not you and you are not me....so...and I'm not trying to say your wrong, what I'm saying is, please understand, we don't all think alike. After I left my husband, I was so desperate to heal, to get rid of that pain inside, it was horrible...words cannot describe that emptiness, that pathetic feeling of betrayal... Anyway, this woman said, it took her 3 years....and I counted the days until then....what took her 3 years, may have take me 5 or less than 3 years, hard to tell, to each in his own. When you go thru something so tramatic like this, it is hard to totally forgive...I just thank my lucky stars I'm alive and well and away from him....
The purpose of this thread was to help others open up about their pain, and sorrow...and to also let them know, that from all bad comes some good.
I can forgive, but will never forget....ever....and the sad part is, I feel badly for my ex's now wife...I know she is a nice person....however, when you run around with a married man, karma will get to you....he will drive her literally nuts. He is so controlling, but then so was his mother...something went horribly wrong in that family....the one sister chose to move as far away as she could? He told me once, when he was a kid, he left the table without asking to be excused. His father came and got him, put a dog leash on him and tied him to the table. Pretty sick huh?
His best friend has called me and asked me to not return to him, until he could treat me, the way I deserved to be treated. To this day I thank God for his words and for his sister's words. She said, "I love my brother, b/c he's my brother, but you've got to get outa there before he drives you crazy".
I to, lost friends and even a family member...he made sure of that....you see, he loved to fish and hunt, my cousin's husband, hunts and fishes, and my ex made certain they were still friends....to this day...plus, my cousin's husband does taxidermy, which was convenient for my ex. I knew my cousin since little of course, but, she had been soured by an extremely abusive childhood, and she literally wanted to believe my ex, that I was a bad person....so, I just had to leave them go. As far as my cousin goes, I could never trust her again....she lied to me about this, and it hurt bad...what she did was also a betrayal.
If it had been a normal separation, one in which didn't involve such crazy situations and lies, I would not care if they were friend, but they chose to believe him. And that cut deeply. She made a comment once to me, that some men have a reason to run around....I'm sorry, but no spouse has any reason to run around, you want to run around, leave first....have some respect for yourself and them....she at the time was talking about her daughter, b/c her daughter's husband was running around. She said, her daughter was a Bi---. I told her, no one has the right to run around, regardless. You can't mentally be sound to run around on your spouse...or even mentally available. You cannot jump from relationship to relationship. It's impossible and unhealthy.
Also, some friends of mine who I loved very dearly, his wife who passed away was one of my best friends. He remarried, and the woman he married, did not like the fact that he and I are close friends, so she chose to tell her husband that I was angry with him for taking my ex's side. I was not....but, I never wanted to get in-between that...(his son had warned me that his new wife was intimidated by our friendship to be very careful) I was going thru enough, so I just backed off....it's been over 20 years. He also hunts and fishes....
so for my ex, it was convenient for him to remain friends with these two people who were friends of mine....
I guess they weren't really friends of mine, though....were they?
Funny how you think you know people.
Yes, forgiveness is a gift one gives themselves....truly....but sometimes, it's easier said than done. Personally I don't believe I harbor any anger towards these people....in every slit, people do take sides, and it's totally their choice....
But it still hurts.
I'm well aware that we're all individuals and therefore are all different. I'm also aware that there's no quick fix when it comes to anger, resentment and bitterness. After the ex left me she went on a 10 year campaign to alienate me from my children, especially my three daughters, the youngest of who were six and 10. It worked! Talk about hurt, rage, helplessness, hopelessness, you name it, I had it all plus some. I despised this woman whom I'd first met when I was six years old, whose parents knew mine and who lived just blocks from my childhood home. After 25 years of marriage it was the last thing I would have expected of her but there it was and I was pretty much powerless to change it.
The harder I tried to make things better the harder she piled on the lies and exaggerations to the girls and the further she drove them away from me. Suddenly the light bulb went off and I realized that my best efforts to remain in my daughters' lives were just more excuses for her to emotionally abuse them. I also realized that this was a very sick woman which made her mean and vindictive. I backed off. In the end, the girls came to me to get them away from her which I was able to do through the courts but we'd lost 10 years of father-daughter relationships.
It would have been very easy, maybe even satisfying, to continue to detest this woman but I came to realize that in the end it hurt her not a bit but soured, burned and twisted at me. It was when that realization came that I forgave her. It's something she never knew and never will but it lifted a heavy, emotional burden off my shoulders and my heart.
A few years after I "freed" my daughters it became clear to all my children and me that their mother had begun to develop early-onset dementia at about age 46 and a few years after that she was placed in a facility under the guardianship of one of the children. She remains there today and always will as she has no capacity to care for herself much less recognize herself or our children. My wife and I have even helped financially with her care on several occasions.
While others may not or may not wish to agree, in my experience forgiveness has been like a breath of fresh air. Count this as one vote for it.
Last edited by Curmudgeon; 02-21-2017 at 08:01 AM..
Curmudgeon I'm well aware that we're all individuals and therefore are all different. I'm also aware that there's no quick fix when it comes to anger, resentment and bitterness. After the ex left me she went on a 10 year campaign to alienate me from my children, especially my three daughters, the youngest of who were six and 10. It worked! Talk about hurt, rage, helplessness, hopelessness, you name it, I had it all plus some. I despised this woman whom I'd first met when I was six years old, whose parents knew mine and who lived just blocks from my childhood home. After 25 years of marriage it was the last thing I would have expected of her but there it was and I was pretty much powerless to change it.
Please understand, I'm not challenging you, I'm just saying, simply building on our conversation. I am though sorry to read of what you've been through, and if you re-read my post, you'll see that while I agree with you, it is hard to forgive...that's all....for me it was anyway? But that doesn't mean, it's not the right thing to do.
Quote:
The harder I tried to make things better the harder she piled on the lies and exaggerations to the girls and the further she drove them away from me. Suddenly the light bulb went off and I realized that my best efforts to remain in my daughters' lives were just more excuses for her to emotionally abuse them. I also realized that this was a very sick woman which made her mean and vindictive. I backed off. In the end, the girls came to me to get them away from her which I was able to do through the courts but we'd lost 10 years of father-daughter relationships.
yes, she used them to hurt you....inhuman thing to do....and in the end, goodness always works out, but, there is so much time in-between....so much time.
Quote:
It would have been very easy, maybe even satisfying, to continue to detest this woman but I came to realize that in the end it hurt her not a bit but soured, burned and twisted at me. It was when that realization came that I forgave her. It's something she never knew and never will but it lifted a heavy, emotional burden off my shoulders and my heart.
It is so much harder to forgive...but you did the right thing.
Quote:
A few years after I "freed" my daughters it became clear to all my children and me that their mother had developed early-onset dementia and a few years after that she was placed in a facility under the guardianship of one of the children. She remains there today and always will as she has no capacity to care for herself much less recognize herself or our children. My wife and I have even helped financially with her care on several occasions.
God bless you....and your wife for doing so....
Quote:
While others may not or may not wish to agree, in my experience forgiveness has been like a breath of fresh air. Count this as one vote for it.
I didn't disagree with you, what I'm saying is, while your experience was certainly bad, very bad, hurtful and inhuman, others who go thru things, may not be able to cope as well as you did, or forgive as quickly as you do, that's all....and perhaps b/c I'm not there in front of you and you can't see my facial expressions, you think I'm in disagreement, but I'm not, remember, I said, I want to forgive and I try to forgive and even pray that I am able to forgive, not just my ex, but others as well....
I think moving on cleanly is critical. For some, that may involve going through individually culturally defined patterns and rituals of forgiveness. For others, it may simply involve acknowledging, "Okay, that happened, and now it's over...moving on. I can learn from it and choose differently in the future."
I didn't disagree with you, what I'm saying is, while your experience was certainly bad, very bad, hurtful and inhuman, others who go thru things, may not be able to cope as well as you did, or forgive as quickly as you do, that's all....and perhaps b/c I'm not there in front of you and you can't see my facial expressions, you think I'm in disagreement, but I'm not, remember, I said, I want to forgive and I try to forgive and even pray that I am able to forgive, not just my ex, but others as well....
I understand and thank you for your kindness. I'll be the first to agree that forgiveness ain't easy and for some it may never come and they can't be faulted for that. That it did for me in great part I have to thank my wife. Her guidance and support helped make it happen. I'm still a work in progress but at least I married the right woman...this time.
I understand and thank you for your kindness. I'll be the first to agree that forgiveness ain't easy and for some it may never come and they can't be faulted for that. That it did for me in great part I have to thank my wife. Her guidance and support helped make it happen. I'm still a work in progress but at least I married the right woman...this time.
I'm glad cremebrulee and Curmudgeon have worked things out , but I want to add what I think is a clarification. It seems popular lately to equate forgiveness with good, or even proper coping. I think that forgiveness is always optional and for someone who is so inclined it's a good option, but one can cope well without forgiving. It's something I learned about myself through my bad marriage.
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Made sure to avoid all those things in all future relationships and now I am happily married with someone who does not have any of those things. 
, but I want to add what I think is a clarification. It seems popular lately to equate forgiveness with good, or even proper coping. I think that forgiveness is always optional and for someone who is so inclined it's a good option, but one can cope well without forgiving. It's something I learned about myself through my bad marriage.
