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Sorry this is so long, but please advise: My boyfriend of 10 months, who I feel is the love of my life and had discussed a future with, broke up with me last night and I'm having the hardest, most miserable time accepting it. I need help healing because I really don't know how.
My boyfriend and I were good friends for two years before sharing a romantic relationship for the past 10 months. We're both in our mid-late twenties, and done dating casually and looking for something more serious. Our relationship was amazing. Sure we had our ups and downs, and we fought occasionally, but it was the first time for both of us to find someone that we can love unconditionally, after seeing and knowing the other's strengths as well as weaknesses, virtues as well as faults. We were completely comfortable around one another, and loved each other unconditionally. Even our fights, and learning how to fight fairly, made us stronger and gave us more confidence that we can overcome future hardships and be strong as a couple. It was mutually felt that we were the best thing to happen to one another. We talked of our future together as a certainty.
Well, 8 months into the relationship (2 months ago), he moved two states away (1.5 hours by plane, 8 hours by car) to attend a professional school. I'm also in graduate school, so the earliest I can move would be in about 1.5 years, when I graduate. I've told him that given a formal committment (marriage), I would make him a priority over my career, but not until we take that next step. We had discussed a future together numerous times (our values, marriage, children, familty, etc), and it really felt like it could truly be a reality. So when it came time for him to move, it wasn't even a question for either of us: we were going to do the long-distance thing and try to make it work.
After 2 months of daily phone calls, sending one another cards and sweets, and feeling connected and all, he broke up with me last night. It came as a shock because it was so abrupt-- he didn't mention his doubts or dissatisfaction at all beforehand, and the night before, we had an awesome talk planning our spring break plans together and him asking whether my mother would like him or not, etc. I answered the phone the next day expecting more fun, loving conversation. I wasn't expecting him to end the relationship. It was so unexpected that I seriously thought it was some bad joke at first.
His reason for breaking up is solely the distance. We're both fairly reasonable and practical people, so (after my initial emotional reaction) we talked frankly. I asked if he felt pressured by the relationship getting serious, or the thought of a future together. But no, he actually liked that. I asked if his feelings for me had changed, and no, he still loves me and cares for me. When it comes down to why he's so dissatisfied the he want's to break up, his sole answer is that I'm not there. He wouldn't be breaking it off if we were still in the same city. I've offered to visit more often, even every two weekends (it's only a 1.5h flight). But he's convinced himself that he's not made for long-distance relationships and won't be persuaded otherwise. He doesn't see himself being happy in a long-distance relationship (it's his first time), and says it's not fair or healthy for either of us to prolong it.
Meanwhile, for me, a realtionship and a person that was so dear to me, so much so had been talking of a future together, just disappeared all of a sudden. To me, he and this relationship was something unique and precious, so different from all the other "loves" I'd experienced, that it's worth enduring a little sadness and hardship now while it's long-distance in order to be together with him and have a relationship with him. I'm devastated that he doesn't think what we have is worth fighting for and worth trying to keep. Breaking up is hard enough, but the abruptness of this all and the fact that I'm not even given the opportunity to say goodbye makes it even more painful and hurtful.
I'm not the type to fall into a self-destructive habits, but I feel so utterly depressed and I'm truly grieving and mourning this profound loss. I've talked to a couple friends and my mother (they've been very sympathetic) and I'm trying to keep myself occupied (school/work, gym, etc). But I've lost my appetite, I don't think my eyes have been dry for longer than two hours at a time, I keep thinking of him and missing him, and I feel so heartbroken and abandoned. I keep hoping I'm just going to wake up and all of this will have been nothing but a bad dream.
How do you get over someone who you felt was the love of your life? Someone with whom it was mutually felt that this could be the one, a life partner? How do you recover from someone so dear just abruptly disappearing from your life? I feel like someone so close to me, a huge part of me and my life, just died. I really don't know what to do or how to get through this.
I'd really appreciate any advice from anyone with a similar experience. Thanks.
Last edited by vemureaux; 03-03-2008 at 08:02 PM..
Time. Time heals all wounds. Give yourself time to grieve and cry and realize life is not over and he is not dead. Give him time to figure his emotions and feelings out. This could be a permanent break up or it could just be giving your relationship time. Keep yourself occupied, hold your head up, learn from the things that are happening. You seem very rational. Everything happens for a reason and things will turn out for the best, whether he is the right one for you or not. If he is not the one, then someone else will come along.
I found that every guy I dated or became seriously involved with was closer and closer to my ideal until my husband. The more you date, the more you find out what you are truly looking for.
Did you really expect a long-distance relationship to have a chance? Ever seen it work among your friends? Especially if there are loads of opposite sex shark(ette)s circling?
Sounds like this guy is attractive as a life partner to women who seek exactly that. And at the age when girls are realizing that they had better move fast. You let him out of your sight, he found Another (bet on that), so now you get to concentrate on your education and career goals.
The trick would seem to be chanelling your emotional tsunami into your studies.
I'm sorry Vem. This is devastating. We've all been through it at some time. Believe me, you will get over it in time, but now you're shocked, etc. He's not as great as you thought he was; he just proved it. So in a week or so, after the initial shock is over, your anger will creep up and it will make it easier for you to move on.
wow. I rarely read long posts (hurts my eyes) but i read yours for some reason and really appreciated doing so.
As difficult as it is to do, stay present with your feelings and your "process" and let it be for now.
I'm wondering if he's afraid and having a difficult time dealing with both the separation and the notion of making a deeper commitment to you.
As a male, I wonder if the combination of the physical separation and the commitment issue is overwhelming him and, at least right now, he doesn't have the courage and/or the capacity to deal with the situation. If it's overwhelming him, perhaps his way of dealing with it is to just cut which for you is, needless to say, devastating.
The sudden decision on his part to end the relationship must be incredibly difficult to deal with especially since he's not just a lover but a close friend. Yikes.
Do you know the Beatles song, "Let It Be"? ..... "when in times of trouble mother mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be, let it be".
This song came to my mind as I was writing this post. In other words, be with yourself right now and let this settle and perhaps refrain from acting, give him some space and let things unfold organically. It may or may not be over.
And, besides the sorrow and shock that you're experiencing, i'd imagine there might be some anger. It sure doesn't sound like he's intentionally trying to cause you pain but his actions are rather insensitive. So maybe some anger will come up if it hasn't already.
These are just thoughts that come to mind and whether or not they're relevant to you, I don't know.
I really feel for you though.
And i do not think that depression and sadness and the expression of your pain is self destructive. I think that to be hard on yourself for what you're experiencing could be self destructive but you're just feeling your pain and the heart is experiencing compassion for yourself.
The suddenness of his decision has also given you a shock so it's even more intense and more difficult to process.
You don't have to figure out how to get over him or the relationship. You just need to go through, moment to moment, what you're going through and trust that things will unfold naturally even though it may be painful for quite some time. You just don't know.
Keep your heart open, as painful as it is to do so. Keep the feelings alive. Believe me, it's better to have a heart that is singing a very sad song than to have a heart that sings nothing .... that feels nothing.
I wish you the best. It's so tough and when you're in the throws of this kind of pain, it seems endless and hopeless but it's not. Just keep breathing, keep feeling and be extra, extra kind to yourself.
Thanks to all who took the time to read my post (it's an essay, I know) and took the time to write. I truly appreciate your input as I try to piece myself together again.
Quote:
I found that every guy I dated or became seriously involved with was closer and closer to my ideal until my husband. The more you date, the more you find out what you are truly looking for.
Faina: I absolutely agree with you there, as I've found that to be true in my own past relationships. I guess that's why this one felt extra special, and that much more like "the one". And that's also why it hurts all the more.
Quote:
Did you really expect a long-distance relationship to have a chance? Ever seen it work among your friends?
Shoghi: Yes and yes. I realize that in long-distance relationships you have a lot working against you. That said, I personally have experience with ones that lasted a year (so I know it's possible to make it work, albeit trying and difficult), and my friend/co-worker is engaged and due to get married to his fiancee, who was his high school sweetheart and had a long distance relationship during college and again after for a year. That said, if it was easy, everyone would be doing it.
Quote:
your anger will creep up and it will make it easier for you to move on
Flindrase: I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little angry. As Rubyskye says, the way he broke up was insensitive, especially considering how emotionally invested we were in one another. And I am upset that he didn't want to try harder or put more effort into making it work. Until this breakup and the manner in which it was brought about, I didn't have a reason to hate him or be angry though. It's just so sad.
Quote:
And i do not think that depression and sadness and the expression of your pain is self destructive.
Rubyskye: Sorry, what I wrote (re: self destructive habits) was ambiguous. I meant that I wasn't going to drown my sorrows in alcohol or do drugs or act in a way that I would otherwise regret. I really appreciated your response, because it rang true on many points. I guess the depression/devastation I'm feeling now is because I'm letting myself feel and taking it in, organically, as you say.
Last edited by vemureaux; 03-04-2008 at 12:08 AM..
much easier now than later.
get more comfortable with yourself, counseling if it is really unbearable.
i got mine broken 6 years ago, looked for less risky activities
sky diving bungi jump?
You have to mourn it as though it is actually a death--the death of your relationship. Don't try to get back together; even if you do, it will be temporary. I have been in a situation before, I won't say "the same," because it's always different. But, when it's done, it's done. And that sucks.
If you feel that you can stay friends without it hurting you, do so. Otherwise, don't.
Fill your life with friend time, and, more importantly, YOU time.
Work, hang out with friends, go to the spa...and if he chooses to, let him contact you, not the other way around. Decide, also, if you want to answer that phone call...or if you just let to want it ring, and ring, and ring...until he realizes what a dumb-a*s mistake he made letting you go.
I'm not necessarily advocating playing hard-to-get, just....well, if he already screw*d you over, it doesn't hurt.
How do you get over someone who you felt was the love of your life? Someone with whom it was mutually felt that this could be the one, a life partner? How do you recover from someone so dear just abruptly disappearing from your life? I feel like someone so close to me, a huge part of me and my life, just died. I really don't know what to do or how to get through this.
I'd really appreciate any advice from anyone with a similar experience. Thanks.
I feel your pain vemureaux as I just experianced a similiar long distance breakup weeks ago. For myself, I keep intouch with her as a friend, not much, just alittle. Our relationship was just about 10 weeks old but still, a life changing experiance, my first ever.
Faina, Flindras, Rubyskye and Holly... thanks for responding, your advice helps me as well.
Sorry this is so long, but please advise: My boyfriend of 10 months, who I feel is the love of my life and had discussed a future with, broke up with me last night and I'm having the hardest, most miserable time accepting it. I need help healing because I really don't know how.
My boyfriend and I were good friends for two years before sharing a romantic relationship for the past 10 months. We're both in our mid-late twenties, and done dating casually and looking for something more serious. Our relationship was amazing. Sure we had our ups and downs, and we fought occasionally, but it was the first time for both of us to find someone that we can love unconditionally, after seeing and knowing the other's strengths as well as weaknesses, virtues as well as faults. We were completely comfortable around one another, and loved each other unconditionally. Even our fights, and learning how to fight fairly, made us stronger and gave us more confidence that we can overcome future hardships and be strong as a couple. It was mutually felt that we were the best thing to happen to one another. We talked of our future together as a certainty.
Well, 8 months into the relationship (2 months ago), he moved two states away (1.5 hours by plane, 8 hours by car) to attend a professional school. I'm also in graduate school, so the earliest I can move would be in about 1.5 years, when I graduate. I've told him that given a formal committment (marriage), I would make him a priority over my career, but not until we take that next step. We had discussed a future together numerous times (our values, marriage, children, familty, etc), and it really felt like it could truly be a reality. So when it came time for him to move, it wasn't even a question for either of us: we were going to do the long-distance thing and try to make it work.
After 2 months of daily phone calls, sending one another cards and sweets, and feeling connected and all, he broke up with me last night. It came as a shock because it was so abrupt-- he didn't mention his doubts or dissatisfaction at all beforehand, and the night before, we had an awesome talk planning our spring break plans together and him asking whether my mother would like him or not, etc. I answered the phone the next day expecting more fun, loving conversation. I wasn't expecting him to end the relationship. It was so unexpected that I seriously thought it was some bad joke at first.
His reason for breaking up is solely the distance. We're both fairly reasonable and practical people, so (after my initial emotional reaction) we talked frankly. I asked if he felt pressured by the relationship getting serious, or the thought of a future together. But no, he actually liked that. I asked if his feelings for me had changed, and no, he still loves me and cares for me. When it comes down to why he's so dissatisfied the he want's to break up, his sole answer is that I'm not there. He wouldn't be breaking it off if we were still in the same city. I've offered to visit more often, even every two weekends (it's only a 1.5h flight). But he's convinced himself that he's not made for long-distance relationships and won't be persuaded otherwise. He doesn't see himself being happy in a long-distance relationship (it's his first time), and says it's not fair or healthy for either of us to prolong it.
Meanwhile, for me, a realtionship and a person that was so dear to me, so much so had been talking of a future together, just disappeared all of a sudden. To me, he and this relationship was something unique and precious, so different from all the other "loves" I'd experienced, that it's worth enduring a little sadness and hardship now while it's long-distance in order to be together with him and have a relationship with him. I'm devastated that he doesn't think what we have is worth fighting for and worth trying to keep. Breaking up is hard enough, but the abruptness of this all and the fact that I'm not even given the opportunity to say goodbye makes it even more painful and hurtful.
I'm not the type to fall into a self-destructive habits, but I feel so utterly depressed and I'm truly grieving and mourning this profound loss. I've talked to a couple friends and my mother (they've been very sympathetic) and I'm trying to keep myself occupied (school/work, gym, etc). But I've lost my appetite, I don't think my eyes have been dry for longer than two hours at a time, I keep thinking of him and missing him, and I feel so heartbroken and abandoned. I keep hoping I'm just going to wake up and all of this will have been nothing but a bad dream.
How do you get over someone who you felt was the love of your life? Someone with whom it was mutually felt that this could be the one, a life partner? How do you recover from someone so dear just abruptly disappearing from your life? I feel like someone so close to me, a huge part of me and my life, just died. I really don't know what to do or how to get through this.
I'd really appreciate any advice from anyone with a similar experience. Thanks.
I'm sorry to read your suffering this grave loss....
you never know what tomorrow brings....you sound mature and I believe in time, you will come to see that things were just not meant to work out. In order to deal with a loss as such, well, it doesn't happen overnight...takes a long time, but that time will improve, if, you focus in other new things...you can't change the past, and you certainly cannot make people love you...if they don't, love you enough to stay, it isn't you...it's them...what they see and plan for their future...and sometimes allowing them to go, is the greatest gift of love you can give. Sometimes, sweetie, we're not always on the same plain at the same time...
You never get over loving someone that much...but...that love, will grow...it will somehow, fill you up and give you found memories, not to mention, knowing you can love to that degree...it is a spiritual love, something very sacred and precious....and I believe one can only experience that kind of love, if they love themselves...
I suggest, you spend some time on you...pamper yourself, with some weekend get aways....perhaps plan an upcoming summer vacation...plan stuff you've never done before, but always wanted to, and go alone...grab some good books, place them in your car, and go out to eat...alone...go to movies....shows, dinner threaters, orchastras....get out there and experience you...plan special things to look forward to, for you.
I promise you, if you do these things will will be astounded, at the person you have come to know...and, you will also, be preparing yourself for that special someone who comes along...you'll flourish...grow...mature and become very self sufficent.....
In the meantime, grieve....it's ok...miss him...for awhile, then move on...and if you do these things, you'll be able to think of him with a smile more quickly. Rather than that empty feeling deep in the pit of your soul. Remember...you were given a great experience in knowing him....think of how all that time has enhanced you....
Hugs and good luck
Creme
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