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Old 03-02-2017, 08:33 AM
 
Location: In the cold, dark wasteland of eternity...
926 posts, read 433,632 times
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I hope this question has not been asked before, but if it has, my apologies in advance.

I have been thinking about this all morning. My situation consists of a guy I've been dating for 8 months who has diabetes (type 2), is severely overweight and has ED. I was starting to wonder if maybe I should've just met up with him that first time last summer and ended it politely right then and there....if I had, who knows how different my life would be right now, and who else I could have been investing my emotions and my heart in...

I saw the warning signs regarding his health issues and also saw the red flags with regard to his affection/intimacy issues early on in the relationship...but, I liked him, he was sweet and kind, and I wanted to give him a chance because I believe everyone deserves a chance to be happy and to have someone they can share their life with. It turns out that it was a huge mistake and an error in judgment on my part.

I just wanted to read about other people's situations where they met (and eventually became attracted to and interested in) someone who has a serious medical issue(s) and how that relationship panned out. If it didn't work out, why? If it did eventually work out, how did you make it work?
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Old 03-02-2017, 08:42 AM
 
Location: PA
2,109 posts, read 1,848,559 times
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It can work out if the person is serious about taking care of their health. If they aren't, not so much. I dated a diabetic (type 1) for a very brief time and I found it tough to handle his mood swings. I tried to educate myself on it, but he was a big drinker and people who are diabetic are supposed to avoid alcohol. My ex-fiance and I both have bipolar. I go to a psychiatrist and a therapist and I had joined a support group for a while. He refused to take any steps whatsoever to try to help himself whatsoever. He didn't take his meds, and he didn't want to make the effort to find a therapist. When he did, he didn't want to do the work that his therapist wanted him to do. I can only put up with something like that for so long, so I ended it.
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Old 03-02-2017, 08:47 AM
 
Location: Arlington, VA and Washington, DC
23,635 posts, read 33,424,168 times
Reputation: 32355
Quote:
Originally Posted by AprilFlowers17 View Post
I hope this question has not been asked before, but if it has, my apologies in advance.

I have been thinking about this all morning. My situation consists of a guy I've been dating for 8 months who has diabetes (type 2), is severely overweight and has ED. I was starting to wonder if maybe I should've just met up with him that first time last summer and ended it politely right then and there....if I had, who knows how different my life would be right now, and who else I could have been investing my emotions and my heart in...

I saw the warning signs regarding his health issues and also saw the red flags with regard to his affection/intimacy issues early on in the relationship...but, I liked him, he was sweet and kind, and I wanted to give him a chance because I believe everyone deserves a chance to be happy and to have someone they can share their life with. It turns out that it was a huge mistake and an error in judgment on my part.

I just wanted to read about other people's situations where they met (and eventually became attracted to and interested in) someone who has a serious medical issue(s) and how that relationship panned out. If it didn't work out, why? If it did eventually work out, how did you make it work?
I very much understand your situation since my mother was recently diagnosed with type 2 Diabetes and I spent last week helping her out. In his current state, your boyfriend is not going to be able to provide you with what you feel you need, which that is your right to feel that need and pursue someone who can meet it. Many with Diabetes have full love lives once they have more control over their diet and excerise regimen as well as meds. He needs to lose weight and get his blood sugar under control to see any improvement in the ED department.

You are not a bad person to find his health issues too much to deal with. He needs to do more to get in better shape and that is going to take time. He could be a great lover down the line, just not now. You have the right to get your needs met which this guy cannot do at this time.
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Old 03-02-2017, 08:53 AM
 
Location: USA
2,666 posts, read 2,036,327 times
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If the person is able to manage it and follow doctor's orders then maybe depending on the severity of the health issues. I couldn't date someone that is obese, sorry if that makes me shallow. I have no attraction to anyone that can't keep their weight under control. Rarely, it's because of a medical issue someone is obese.

And another deal breaker is someone that stuggles with a mental illness. Sorry, I jusr don't want to deal with a SO who is depressed all the time with a gloomy view of the world
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Old 03-02-2017, 08:55 AM
 
Location: In the cold, dark wasteland of eternity...
926 posts, read 433,632 times
Reputation: 1513
Quote:
Originally Posted by swgirl926 View Post
It can work out if the person is serious about taking care of their health. If they aren't, not so much. I dated a diabetic (type 1) for a very brief time and I found it tough to handle his mood swings. I tried to educate myself on it, but he was a big drinker and people who are diabetic are supposed to avoid alcohol. My ex-fiance and I both have bipolar. I go to a psychiatrist and a therapist and I had joined a support group for a while. He refused to take any steps whatsoever to try to help himself whatsoever. He didn't take his meds, and he didn't want to make the effort to find a therapist. When he did, he didn't want to do the work that his therapist wanted him to do.

I can only put up with something like that for so long, so I ended it.
Thanks for sharing your experiences with this, Swgirl926. What you've said that I've highlighted in bold is exactly the situation I'm in currently. It is as they say - You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make them drink it.

The thing is, when you meet and like someone who has a medical issue, there's no way of knowing if they are doing everything they can to improve their health UNTIL you enter into a relationship with them and LIVE WITH THEM every day to see how they really are. By that time, your emotions and your heart are already invested in that person - and it is then that you will find out what their true intentions are with regard to improving their health and finding out if they truly WANT TO take care of themselves.
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Old 03-02-2017, 09:03 AM
 
6,307 posts, read 7,456,845 times
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When I first got involved with my late-fiancee, I knew that he had a chronic, degenerative disease that would only get worse over time. When I first met him, it wasn't that bad, but sure enough, over the course of 8 years, it got worse and definitely affected our relationship. His official cause of death was not the disease itself, but I know that it was definitely a prominent cause.

When I started dating again, my biggest concern was getting involved in the same sort of situation again. Certainly, stuff happens over time, but I was not going to knowingly jump into a relationship with someone who had a death sentence already handed down.

The several men that I got involved with were completely open with where they were medically, and my resolve was tested immediately when I met someone who did, in fact, have some serious medical issues. For my own sake, I had to stop things in their tracks.

When I found out that my current partner has type 2 diabetes, I asked him tons of questions about it, and educated myself on it. I kept my eyes open wide as to how he was taking care of himself as well. I did all of this before getting very involved emotionally with him. What really "sold" me on him was that he was very open about it, and also that he was willing to allow me to work with him on it. It's working very well for us so far.
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Old 03-02-2017, 09:08 AM
 
Location: In the cold, dark wasteland of eternity...
926 posts, read 433,632 times
Reputation: 1513
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter View Post
I very much understand your situation since my mother was recently diagnosed with type 2 Diabetes and I spent last week helping her out. In his current state, your boyfriend is not going to be able to provide you with what you feel you need, which that is your right to feel that need and pursue someone who can meet it. Many with Diabetes have full love lives once they have more control over their diet and excerise regimen as well as meds. He needs to lose weight and get his blood sugar under control to see any improvement in the ED department.
Thank you so much for this, Dissenter. I have a lump in my throat right now. I so wanted to make this work because he is such a kind and gentle soul and a really good person inside.

But...I just can't take it anymore...I feel lonely and sad...I want to be touched by him, hugged and cuddled by him...I want to know that he desires me and wants to be near me...I want to share my physical and emotional intimacy with him, but he has always kept me at arms length throughout the entire relationship.



Quote:
You are not a bad person to find his health issues too much to deal with. He needs to do more to get in better shape and that is going to take time. He could be a great lover down the line, just not now. You have the right to get your needs met which this guy cannot do at this time.
Okay, reading that bolded part made me cry. Sometimes I did feel that way, like maybe I wasn't being patient or loving enough...but I mean, after 8 months, I just feel so lonely and so uncared for by him. This is not what I thought this relationship was going to be like, but...that's exactly how it is...and sadly, I think it will stay this way forever unless I do something to change it.

It's almost like he was gung-ho about getting fit and healthy early on in our relationship...but since so much time has passed, he's probably thinking, "Well, she's still with me, so she must like me the way I am, so why should I do anything to change my current health?"
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Old 03-02-2017, 09:11 AM
 
Location: The Triad (NC)
28,494 posts, read 62,136,122 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AprilFlowers17 View Post
I want to be touched by him, hugged and cuddled by him...
I want to know that he desires me and wants to be near me...
I want to share my physical and emotional intimacy with him,
but he has always kept me at arms length throughout the entire relationship.
A functioning penis is not required to have these things.
It will certainly add to them... but it doesn't produce the emotion.
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Old 03-02-2017, 09:12 AM
 
Location: SoCal again
16,049 posts, read 12,827,498 times
Reputation: 31346
I was with a guy with chronic pain from too many car/motorcycle accidents. He took tons of prescription pills to be able to work. Then he also took them off work. If I didn't see him pop the pills, I wouldn't even have known he took them - he never seemed high or anything.


Plus severe depression but he was never a negative person. I would probably have shot myself if I was in his shoes. I never really understood how he can complain about severe neck pain for example and then ask me to go for a motorcycle ride an hour later.
He could hardly go for a hike, but then he was able to go motocross riding or car racing. Odd.
He looked super healthy and very much in shape, 6pack and everything. But apparently, his body was a wreck. He could do everything a healthy person would be doing but he had to take pain pills/muscle relaxers before. To not become addicted, he kept switching pills a lot. Which made him irritable/more pain/soreness. It was a constant up and down.


We broke up. Mostly for other reasons though. Missing sex was one of them.
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Old 03-02-2017, 09:16 AM
 
Location: Arlington, VA and Washington, DC
23,635 posts, read 33,424,168 times
Reputation: 32355
Quote:
Originally Posted by AprilFlowers17 View Post
Thank you so much for this, Dissenter. I have a lump in my throat right now. I so wanted to make this work because he is such a kind and gentle soul and a really good person inside.

But...I just can't take it anymore...I feel lonely and sad...I want to be touched by him, hugged and cuddled by him...I want to know that he desires me and wants to be near me...I want to share my physical and emotional intimacy with him, but he has always kept me at arms length throughout the entire relationship.





Okay, reading that bolded part made me cry. Sometimes I did feel that way, like maybe I wasn't being patient or loving enough...but I mean, after 8 months, I just feel so lonely and so uncared for by him. This is not what I thought this relationship was going to be like, but...that's exactly how it is...and sadly, I think it will stay this way forever unless I do something to change it.

It's almost like he was gung-ho about getting fit and healthy early on in our relationship...but since so much time has passed, he's probably thinking, "Well, she's still with me, so she must like me the way I am, so why should I do anything to change my current health?"
After reading this, I think your issue is that you are dealing with an emotionally unavailable person whose inability to make you feel loved is only slightly aggravated by the fact he has Diabetes. Even if he can't do much in the bedroom, he should be doing all he can with sensual touching to give you a feeling of closeness to him. I think he got content once you committed to him, which is a poor show of motivation since he should want to keep working at it to give him the best chance of a long life.
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