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So I enjoy writing, and wrote this in order to vent to myself and weigh pros and cons. I figured I may as well post it in order to draw some responses from you guys. Sorry that it's so long. I appreciate all responses. Part of me didn't want to post this on the internet for anonymity, and it's crazy to me that this is happening to me, but I need advice. Here it is:
I really don’t know what to do. I’ve been with her for nearly 12 years (on and off in the beginning, and dated other people while we saw each other casually). I’m 30. She’s 33. This is almost half of my life. We met in college. I finished. She didn’t. Everything was usually okay. We saw each other on weekends, and went on with our our lives throughout the week. Our families and friends liked each other. We had big dreams. I had high hopes for me and her. We had a lot of great times and memories throughout our twenties along with a lot of parties and drinking. I thought that being with her would propel me into a new world that would somehow make me happier. It didn’t work out that way. She was “upper,” I came from “lower.” She would laugh at my jokes, and made me feel good. I loved her a lot. Sure, she had some idiosyncrasies that would occasionally irk me, but they weren’t big enough to repel me, in fact I thought they were cute. I wish I had seen the signs.
Together we have made some good friends, but things change as you age, and people seem to change too. After years of wondering if I should stay or go, I decided that I may as well get married, thinking that that would help me solidify my commitment and love for her. She was what I was used to. Sure, I had been with other women in the past, but nothing as serious and as long-term as this. I figured why not? I love her. What is there that we COULDN’T work out? She wasn’t done with school, but I figured, hey, she will probably do something with her life, and contribute. She will probably learn to cook, and clean, and become domesticated for lack of a better term. So what if her sister was a well-to-do stay at home mother who married a physician? So what if her parents supported her throughout adulthood? Her parents were very successful and were fairly intelligent people. She has the genetics for it, so why not? I see the best in people. Maybe I’m stupid.
So here we are nearly three years after tying the knot. Neither of us seem to be happy, and we have both verbalized this. Sex doesn’t occur as frequently as it once did. Her desire isn’t as big as mine. I like sex. I want it. I could love without it, but why should I? You only live once and I think this one life needs to be lived to the fullest. Why not be satisfied?
We can’t seem to stop arguing. She constantly nags and criticizes, which I guess is difficult for me since I feel as if I should not be criticized since I am the one who earns more, cooks, and cleans. It almost seems unfair to me. I have had to work 2 jobs in order for us to live well. She does not contribute, and I mostly support her. All she has to pay is gas and her credit card bills. I take care of rent, utilities, and her student loan from the past. I also bought her a truck. She is back in school, which was difficult for her, and I applaud her for it. I am proud of her in this respect, especially since she works part time.
I am going back to school for an intense graduate program. I have finally been accepted to a very competitive program that I’ve been trying to get into for a few years. It has really been a huge career goal of mine to get into this field, and I now finally have a chance. During my panel interview for the program, the interviewers asked me about the stability of my marriage. I lied of course, and said everything was fine. I was accepted. This is important because there is a 50% divorce rate for students in this particular field of study (nurse anesthesia). She knows my financial support cannot continue throughout this program, but I will be paid well when I am done. She is on board, but I question if our marriage will handle the turbulence.
As of late, her nagging and constant criticizing has really gotten to me. It’s kind of made me depressed, and I even snapped at her for it and threatened to leave if she wouldn’t stop her nagging. She said if I want to leave I should, but she loves and doesn’t want me to. She says she will try not to nag me, but that's just “how she is.” I told her I really wouldn’t mind staying if she could just be nicer to me, and show some appreciation for everything I do. I offered to pay for marriage counseling, and she declined. I really do think it would help though.
I’m not sure if I want a divorce. I have this voice in the back of my head that tells me I should leave and that I will never reach my fullest potential as long as I’m with her. But then part of me also remembers the history and the good times we had together. I also believe that those who develop good relationships with others are truly happiest. I’m not happy, but we have so much time invested into this thing, part of me thinks it would be a disservice to try and not work it out. I’m trying, and I told her I do want to stay if she treats me with respect. I’m a very flexible person. She says “I will try, but this is how it is when I’m stressed and working while in school.” Her actions do not show her trying. It does sadden me because I do love her, and I wish she’d try. Sometimes I think she wants out to. She hints that she does and then takes it back.
Perhaps I’m scared of being alone? It’s been awhile. At this point I mostly WANT to be alone and lonely rather than miserable. I’m a sociable and outgoing person, so I know I’ll meet others and make new friends and acquaintances. However, I would NOT leave to meet other people. It's more for my peace of mind and sanity. I think about divorce a lot, but I also don’t want to hurt her. The LAST thing I would want to do is hurt her. I care for her and DO love her. She was an awesome person to me before we got married, and we had a lot of good times together. Her family helped shape who I am today, but DAMN I’m tired, and I have a lot going on. I work a lot of hours, and when I come home I just want to chill. I don’t want to be nagged at for not doing the dishes while she sat at home all day.
Should I stick it out and try to work it out? Will things get better when I’m done with graduate school and she finishes her degree? Should I stay if she accepts to go to a marriage counselor? I want it to work, and I feel like we COULD maybe make it work, if we both put in the effort, but sometimes I question if her overbearing self even recognizes that making it works is a two way street, no matter how much I let her know. Part of me also thinks it could be wise to just end it. Not sure what to do..
Thanks in advance for the replies!
I just want to let everyone know that I did not write the above using my other CD handle ....
On a more serious note, I can relate to some of this.
For me, the time to bail definitely was during my 30s.
I didn't.
In retrospect I'm glad I did not because I would have been financially savaged. Elder poverty would have become a near certainty.
However, in life, we make our various deals and trade offs. So here I sit, 20+ years later. I sometimes wonder what if I left way back when. But then ... the financial thingey. What I really should have done was never gotten married. Alas, there are no re-dos in life.
So, OP, you married a queen or something? She does not do household chores at all? And why does she wait for you to come home and nag about the dishes if she just sit in her ass all day? Is her arm amputated or something? Wow.
I don't get the general dislike to wash dishes. None of you have dishwashers? For real? I know all rental houses/condos come with them right? But then again, being Asian, none of my family use them. They prefer to wash them manually, force of habit. I, on the other hand, prefer to use the dishwasher.
I also NEVER like to cook but was forced to learn when I got married. Like for real, I lived on my own and NEVER bother to cook for myself. I actually was surprised my husband likes my cooking and was surprised I actually am a good cook. I just follow the recipes. That's it.
Your wife is entitled. Does not even make an effort to help you? When you pay her student loans. And why would you anyway?
Some people make life hard for themselves. I can't even..
Thanks everybody. Out of curiosity, isn't alimony only paid for half of the duration of the marriage if married less than 10 years (correct me if I'm wrong)? Not sure if that's California law or not. I wouldn't mind paying for a year and a half or so to help her stay on her feet afterwards, but I was hoping a judge would take my hours worked vs hourly income ratio into consideration when calculating a monthly alimony payment. I also figured since I won't be working while in the program, that may be taken into consideration with my income while in court.
I guess I do enable the behavior by doing things like cooking for her and paying for her student loan. I mostly cooked because I got tired of eating out, and if I don't cook, she just orders in, which gets gets expensive and old.
My wife IS entitled. She basically grew up with a silver spoon, had everything handed to her, and didn't take advantage of it. Now she doesn't have much work ethic because of it, and she even admits it.
To the individual asking about her side of the story, here's what she tells me:
I'm messy because I was raised in an environment that didn't value cleanliness (I actually pay a cleaner because I don't have time to clean and she won't do it).
I'm an ***hole who used to be nicer before I started working so much.
I value logic too much and sometimes don't cater to her emotional needs.
I care too much about myself, and am conceited and focus on my looks too much.
I dont "feel" for her and her situation.
It's weird in a sense that she generally speaks well about me to other people, and how I'ma good guy and blah blah blah, but then behind closed doors we just argue.
I don't know. I'm considering just scheduling an appointment with a marriage counselor, and I'll just drag her there. OTOH, if she doesn't comply, and doesn't want to budge, I may just have to leave, regardless of what the future financial consequences are. I would rather be happy and just live within my means instead of overworked, under-loved, and miserable.
It wouldn't kill her to get a part-time job while she's in school. All she's doing is completing a BA? She can manage a half-time job. With you not working, she may qualify for financial aid, like a work-study job on campus.
Those anesthesiologist programs are brutal! Difficult hours, and the people you train under can be challenging. I've heard there are all kinds of personalities, and some of them aren't pleasant. Your grade depends in part on getting along with them, from what I understand. Good luck!
When does the program start? You need to get your personal stuff worked out before you dive into that challenging program.
The program starts in September. I agree that I need to get it worked out!
I just want to let everyone know that I did not write the above using my other CD handle ....
On a more serious note, I can relate to some of this.
For me, the time to bail definitely was during my 30s.
I didn't.
In retrospect I'm glad I did not because I would have been financially savaged. Elder poverty would have become a near certainty.
However, in life, we make our various deals and trade offs. So here I sit, 20+ years later. I sometimes wonder what if I left way back when. But then ... the financial thingey. What I really should have done was never gotten married. Alas, there are no re-dos in life.
You don't "feel for her, and her situation"? What situation is that?
You used to be nicer before you started working so much? Ask her if she'd be ok with you working less ,and in exchange, she pays off her own student loans, and you two move into a smaller place, or into your parents' basement, because if you work less, you won't be able to keep the place you have now.
Is that what she wants? Ask her, next time she says you were nicer before. Or ask her if she's suggesting that she be the main breadwinner, so you can cut back, and be a nice guy again.
I'm serious. Does she have any understanding of the consequences of what she's suggesting? Does she think anything through?
I bet you used to be REALLY nice before she started nagging you, and leaving dirty dishes in the kitchen all day.
Thanks for the replies Ruth4Truth. Her "situation" is her having to work and go to school at the same time for the first time ever without being 100% financially dependent on her (again, she pays for her credit cards and gas). We're actually downsizing and moving to a smaller place over this current weekend, and she was surprisingly okay with it because she knows she can't support me financially while I'm in school. She does want me to follow my dreams, because ultimately it means more money for the both of us I'm sure.
I tried nagging her, haha, and really we just ended up getting in a pretty big argument. I don't know. I'm going to give it a month or so, and if things don't get better, then I think I may divorce her. During our argument, I pretty much said if the nagging and constant criticism doesn't stop, then I want a separation.
If you're already miserable after barely three years of marriage...do you really want to devote more time and energy to something that clearly isn't working?
A wonderful dating life doesn't always equal a wonderful married life.
If you're already miserable after barely three years of marriage...do you really want to devote more time and energy to something that clearly isn't working?
A wonderful dating life doesn't always equal a wonderful married life.
Good point.
Consult with a lawyer first, OP, before you initiate divorce proceedings, if it comes to that. Also consider couples counseling, just so you can say you tried everything. I mean really--what's this attitude that you should have to put up with chronic verbal abuse just because "that's the way she is"?! She needs to get real. Marriage counseling could help her do that.
P.S. An argument ensued after you nagged her? What possible defense could she have against not doing anything at home all day? OTOH, if you tried nagging after she'd gone back to school, so she was working and going to school, then I can see how she might venture an opinion that chores should be split evenly, or something. But according to you, she's not doing any chores at all.
...but I also don’t want to hurt her. The LAST thing I would want to do is hurt her. I care for her and DO love her.
And this?
Jumping ship may be the easy and comfortable thing at the time and while emotions are high but later?
Although I have been formerly divorced after 25 years of marriage and money aside (more of that in a moment), I maintained then and do so now that it is truly a last resort and should be undertaken only when you have explored every other possible option and left no stone unturned to fix things; recognizing that this must be a mutual undertaking.
I too was living in California. I lost half of everything to include my pension fund and 401(k) and the ex wiped out our checking and savings accounts. Having two children still at home I was also ordered to pay support north of $2,000 a month which at that time amounted to a significant portion of my income before taxes. But the good news is I ultimately survived and to a great extent, prospered. Our divorce needed to happen (she left me for another). I'm not yours would have to.
As always, just one man's opinion.
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She needs to get real. Marriage counseling could help her do that.
