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The panicked grand gestures I offered (booking a trip to Spain, buying a painting she loved but couldn't afford, offering to rearrange my schedule to pick up her kid from school) did more damage than good. It was the most stressful and heart-breaking thing I've ever experienced, even worse than the divorce.
I, too, have been in the same situation although the red flag relevance wasn't there. I was willing to do anything and everything because I had really deep feelings for her which from her viewpoint wasn't mutual. She said she'd never get married again but I guess the Doctor she found had the mojo. It can be excruciating to come to terms with but time does eventually heal the scars, perhaps not the understanding. But I do understand the responses to go with your intuition...
How did you break it off with the last guy and what was his reaction to it?
I had been wanting to say something for a while (as in previous relationships), but I didn't really know what to say, or how to say anything, without making it seem like I wanted to break up, if they didn't. So in the past, I just wouldn't say anything, kept going along, and eventually they would just stop contacting me, or they would change and obviously seem indifferent or whatever, so I knew and would just finally confront them and end it. But this guy, just kept texting me, even though he didn't seem like he actually wanted to see me. Maybe he was waiting for me to do the same thing, because he didn't know how to break up with someone (which I sort of knew, since his ex finally left for the same reason probably). So, it was a month and a half that we didn't see each other. Then, when we did, it was weird. he seemed really disinterested, I was pretty silent, giving him a chance to ask about me. but nope. I wanted to just leave right then. I figured this was it, that he had met someone else, and it was the break-up time, and that's why he was so quiet. but then I was confused, because he would kiss me and stuff, and say "this time," making it seem like it wasn't over. so anyway, after that, the texting declined a lot, so I figured I was right. I thought he was eventually just going to stop texting me, but again, I guess he didn't have the heart to do that, so it just sort of dwindled down. so finally after 2 weeks of him not even mentioning getting together, or anything, I finally just brought it up one time when we were texting. I wondered if I should do it over text or not, but since we hardly saw each other anyway, and that was part of the problem...it seemed kind of pointless to meet in person just to break up, when I'm sure he would realize that's why, if I wanted to try to meet up. so, I brought it up, but didn't want to make it seem like I was the one that wanted to break up, because I didn't, but I wasn't happy with things. so I just said, it didn't seem like he had time for a relationship. he agreed, and tried to blame it on work (when he had just told me he had volunteered to come in on his day off, so obviously that was b.s.), and then said he didn't know if it was going to work out. so that was it. then, after looking at his facebook afterwards (which was stupid, because it caused a lot of heartache and depression for a while), just 2 weeks later, he posted that he was in a relationship. barf. so, that's when I knew, he had just been using me, and stringing me along, until he found someone better. before, I had just thought, he didn't want to be in a relationship. but I guess, he just didn't want to be in one with me.
so, that's a lesson to always pay attention to your intuition, and don't ignore signs. and pay attention to actions, not words. don't give someone so much time to just keep you around, and string you along. if someone doesn't want to see you, they don't deserve your attention.
Sounds to me like you need to work on setting better boundaries for yourself, and not get so involved until you find out more about these guys and whether they are right for you before getting so attached to them and invested in the relationship.
yes, me too. that's what I've been working on. I wished I would have gone out with the guy more, before just jumping into things. if I had, I probably would have realized the things it took me a few months, a lot of time and energy, and involvement to realize. then the months afterward, of being depressed, because of how I wasted so much time and energy on someone that I thought was a such a great guy, who just used me to fill the time, while he found someone else, and then just dropped me for someone else.
looking back, I realized he was pretty much the same way when we were talking online - talked a lot, but didn't really ask me anything.
I have a friend who is like that, she's always willing to give the guy a chance. I admire you both for that. Just don't wait too long next time and get emotionally invested while you are figuring them out. I hope you feel better soon.
yeah, that's me too. and there was a guy I was talking to online for a while, that was always going on dates, but most of the girls didn't want a second date. and I even said, I think you should give people a second chance, especially online, because if your first date is your first meeting, then of course it's going to be awkward, and it takes time to get to know someone and warm up to someone. and everyone I've dated, I wasn't that into them at first (I think guys are more nervous, because they're trying to impress and "get" you), but as I went out with them more, I started to like them a lot more, they relaxed more and could see their personality and stuff. so I think that's a tricky one.
yes. you sound like me. the last guy, would pretty much only talk about himself and his job, and when I finally realized, and started thinking about it, he never really asked me anything, even how I was doing, or anything about me, or seemed very interested if I did say anything about me. once I realized that, when he would talk about himself or his job or whatever, I stopped feeding into it as much, and wanted to give him a chance to talk about me, or ask about me. which he never did. he also talked about his ex, and had all her stuff that she left there. of course I gave him the benefit of the doubt there too, thinking it doesn't necessarily mean anything. and, the whole time, he would text me every day (about himself, of course), for 1-3 hours, for months. I thought he seemed a little needy or something, or like he just needed constant entertainment, always needed to be doing something or talking to someone. he also mentioned other girls a couple times.
I'm in the middle of this right now - but if I leave him he loses his ****. The thing is though - I am pretty sure he treats everyone this way, not just me. He knows he is self absorbed and mentioned "working on it" but after some initial discussions that fizzled out - plus a bunch of big life things were happening.
Anyway, I'm sorry for how your story played out and ended, but it's good to know it isn't just me. Mostly I feel like I should be more forgiving and patient; I really don't know when it's right to turn away. (we did stop being romantically involved a year ago and are "just friends" now). Regardless, I feel used a lot but I don't know if it's because I'm the crazy one. I don't have these issues with others; these things die out naturally fairly quickly or it's quality friendship with lots in common and quality time. He doesn't fit into to either of these.
I'm in the middle of this right now - but if I leave him he loses his ****. The thing is though - I am pretty sure he treats everyone this way, not just me. He knows he is self absorbed and mentioned "working on it" but after some initial discussions that fizzled out - plus a bunch of big life things were happening.
yeah, that sounds like that guy too. and there were also a lot of "circumstantial" things that I had to take into account too, like, when the texting and not seeing each other amped up, was after he got a new job, and said he didn't have a day off for a while. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, because I thought he was such a great guy, and how can I complain about him working? plus, he had waited plenty for me, so I felt if I had said anything, it would have made me look like the selfish one. and yeah, about him seeming to need attention or entertainment or whatever...he would always complain about his neighbor talking to him and stuff, and then one day, was like "hmm, I wonder where my neighbor went" and I said "why, do you miss him?" haha...and he said "he wouldn't leave me for long."
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Anyway, I'm sorry for how your story played out and ended, but it's good to know it isn't just me. Mostly I feel like I should be more forgiving and patient; I really don't know when it's right to turn away. (we did stop being romantically involved a year ago and are "just friends" now). Regardless, I feel used a lot but I don't know if it's because I'm the crazy one. I don't have these issues with others; these things die out naturally fairly quickly or it's quality friendship with lots in common and quality time. He doesn't fit into to either of these.
I feel the same way, which is why I usually end up just waiting until they say or do something. yeah, it was the same with that guy too. usually, if a guy doesn't want to see you, he will just stop contacting you, or at least it will dwindle down so much, and he won't seem as interested, so at least you can tell. but this guy didn't really start acting like that until after the last time we saw each other, which was a month and a half after the time before, which is why I was confused before that, because he was still texting me every day, for hours.
Gah! These texting all the time - that is the part I don't get. I dislike putting energy into people I'm not into so I think why would someone else do it? I'm a quality over quantity person anyway.
I am horribly amusing though, I'm sure I add a bunch of entertainment to his day.
Gah! These texting all the time - that is the part I don't get. I dislike putting energy into people I'm not into so I think why would someone else do it? I'm a quality over quantity person anyway.
I am horribly amusing though, I'm sure I add a bunch of entertainment to his day.
ahh, me too. that was the only guy I've ever encountered that wanted to text that much. most get frustrated if you haven't met, and just stop talking...or if they're not that interested, then they usually won't text that much either.
I'm the same...and I thought, yeah, I guess texting me must just be so enjoyable, that he can't stop. lol.
Location: In the cold, dark wasteland of eternity...
926 posts, read 673,631 times
Reputation: 1525
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Originally Posted by Hendu
The lack of red flags would actually be a pretty big red flag, imo. It's just what you're willing to work around that matters.
This is my thought exactly. If he showed me regular affection (because he wanted to) and was as in love with me as I was with him, I would've been willing to work around his intimacy and health issues, because I thought he was worth it. Heck, I *was* making the effort to work around his issues - but effort has to be a two-way street; I can't be the only one in this relationship making all the effort and him not making no effort at all.
But now I know why he never put forth any effort - it's because he never did love me (like he told me over and over that he did). He knew this for all this time...but he never came to me and told me the truth. He was also too much of a coward to be honest with me about all this and break up with me; as I said in a previous post, he actually told me that he was waiting for ME to "put a stake through" this relationship. With as sweet and kind as he was towards me during the first half of this relationship, I just can't believe how he is treating me in such a cold manner now. This is so heartbreaking for me...and the loneliness I currently feel as well as feeling so unwanted and unloved by him is beginning to affect my self-esteem and my overall spiritual peace.
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I feel for you OP, and I also feel for your b/f's situation. I've been in a (slightly) similar situation as him. Though my issues were driven by being fresh off a divorce and not knowing how to just be myself in a new relationship. Put so much pressure on myself and dug such a hole that all I could do was keep digging. The panicked grand gestures I offered (booking a trip to Spain, buying a painting she loved but couldn't afford, offering to rearrange my schedule to pick up her kid from school) did more damage than good. It was the most stressful and heart-breaking thing I've ever experienced, even worse than the divorce. Also kind of a relief when she finally dumped me after 5 months. In retrospect, I unfairly took a lot of undeserved blame because I wanted to get over my hump and be the guy she needed SO freaking badly. Unfortunately, she cut me out of her life completely and blocked all communication. Now that I'm more comfortable in my own skin and happy just being myself, I'd do anything for her no questions asked out of love and appreciation for our time together. Sigh. I wish she had stuck around for the payoff.
Thanks for sharing your story with regard to your ex-girlfriend. I wonder if my SO is currently feeling any of your thoughts that I put in bold. Your ex-girlfriend probably didn't "stick around for the payoff" because she didn't know there would be one. Once a break up happens, there's really no point to going back to being just friends. One reason is because it would just be awkward because of the strong feelings you used to have for that person; and the other reason is because, if that person neglected you, mistreated you and misled you while you were in the relationship, it means they probably do NOT like you as a person and so, they really don't deserve to have a friendship with the person they lied to and mistreated.
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(when he had just told me he had volunteered to come in on his day off, so obviously that was b.s.), and then said he didn't know if it was going to work out. so that was it. then, after looking at his facebook afterwards (which was stupid, because it caused a lot of heartache and depression for a while), just 2 weeks later, he posted that he was in a relationship. barf. so, that's when I knew, he had just been using me, and stringing me along, until he found someone better. before, I had just thought, he didn't want to be in a relationship. but I guess, he just didn't want to be in one with me. 
He was also too much of a coward to be honest with me about all this and break up with me; as I said in a previous post, he actually told me that he was waiting for ME to "put a stake through" this relationship. With as sweet and kind as he was towards me during the first half of this relationship, I just can't believe how he is treating me in such a cold manner now. This is so heartbreaking for me...and the loneliness I currently feel as well as feeling so unwanted and unloved by him is beginning to affect my self-esteem and my overall spiritual peace.
