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Location: In the cold, dark wasteland of eternity...
926 posts, read 669,967 times
Reputation: 1525
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In the past three LTRs I've had, I've noticed red flags in each of them early on in the relationship. Because I know that no one is perfect (I know I certainly am not), I always gave each guy a chance to demonstrate to me what kind of person he truly was. I just thought that perhaps their idiosyncrasy or "red flag(s)" might be something that would go away or something that I would be willing to live with.
But now I see that - from now on - if I see ANY red flag or character dysfunction from any guy I date in the future, I'm just going to end it right then and there. Because EVERY TIME I've given a guy a chance to be a good person and EVERY TIME I have given him the benefit of the doubt, it ALWAYS turned out that they have purposefully hurt me without having a shred of remorse or compassion.
I will NO LONGER continue dating ANY guy that I determine to be emotionally damaged or exhibiting any or multiple red flags. I am done having my heart shredded...I am done being taken advantage of and taken for granted...I am also done with allowing any guy to talk me into thinking that he will do or say "whatever" he says he will do to make a future relationship viable and happy. My current experience with this severely emotionally damaged (and seemingly inexperienced with women), unmotivated, overweight and emotionally/physically/sexually distant diabetic man has sealed this declaration for me.
I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read my post. I needed to get this out...and feel that this is therapeutic for me to get my emotions and heartache out.
What I'd like to know from any of you fine people is if you've ever noticed ANY red flags or personality defects from a person you were dating but continued to date them anyway and entered into a relationship with them because you had a sliver of hope that it would somehow work out?
I feel as though I am an oddity, as well as feeling extremely FOOLISH for making myself emotionally, physically and spiritually vulnerable to 3 guys in total that have crushed my heart and that seem to go on with their lives without feeling any remorse, guilt or even just feeling bad for lying and leading me on? I'm so sorry if I'm boring anyone with this. I'm in tears right now...because I know - in my heart of hearts - that he will NOT make ANY effort to improve his behaviour (or his mindset) towards me. And, this is why:
After carefully reviewing our in-depth discussion last Saturday, I remember him saying that he wondered why "I still hung around this long, and how most other women would be long gone by now..." AND he also said that with the fact how he saw me sad all the time and how he was "too scared" to be intimate with me and KNEW that he wasn't giving me what he KNEW I needed, that he was "waiting for me to PUT A STAKE THROUGH IT (our relationship)"... I think he basically gave me his honest answer on how he feels about this "relationship"...
He is currently waiting for ME to END this relationship! ...
Last edited by AprilFlowers17; 03-07-2017 at 07:03 PM..
at least you are working on strengthening your self now. better late than never. i will caution you however to not go overboard with this effort, as you may be cutting the cord on someone you should have in your life.
just remember it is a balancing act that we all take on with relationships.
In the past three LTRs I've had, I've noticed red flags in each of them early on in the relationship. Because I know that no one is perfect (I know I certainly am not), I always gave each guy a chance to demonstrate to me what kind of person he truly was. I just thought that perhaps their idiosyncrasy or "red flag(s)" might be something that would go away or something that I would be willing to live with.
But now I see that - from now on - if I see ANY red flag or character dysfunction from any guy I date in the future, I'm just going to end it right then and there. Because EVERY TIME I've given a guy a chance to be a good person and EVERY TIME I have given him the benefit of the doubt, it ALWAYS turned out that they have purposefully hurt me without having a shred of remorse or compassion.
I will NO LONGER continue dating ANY guy that I determine to be emotionally damaged or exhibiting any or multiple red flags. I am done having my heart shredded...I am done being taken advantage of and taken for granted...I am also done with allowing any guy to talk me into thinking that he will do or say "whatever" he says he will do to make a future relationship viable and happy. My current experience with this severely emotionally damaged (and seemingly inexperienced with women), unmotivated, overweight and emotionally/physically/sexually distant diabetic man has sealed this declaration for me.
I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read my post. I needed to get this out...and feel that this is therapeutic for me to get my emotions and heartache out.
What I'd like to know from any of you fine people is if you've ever noticed ANY red flags or personality defects from a person you were dating but continued to date them anyway and entered into a relationship with them because you had a sliver of hope that it would somehow work out?
I feel as though I am an oddity, as well as feeling extremely FOOLISH for making myself emotionally, physically and spiritually vulnerable to 3 guys in total that have crushed my heart and that seem to go on with their lives without feeling any remorse, guilt or even just feeling bad for lying and leading me on? I'm so sorry if I'm boring anyone with this. I'm in tears right now...because I know - in my heart of hearts - that he will NOT make ANY effort to improve his behaviour (or his mindset) towards me. And, this is why:
After carefully reviewing our in-depth discussion last Saturday, I remember him saying that he wondered why "I still hung around this long, and how most other women would be long gone by now..." AND he also said that with the fact how he saw me sad all the time and how he was "too scared" to be intimate with me and KNEW that he wasn't giving me what he KNEW I needed, that he was "waiting for me to PUT A STAKE THROUGH IT (our relationship)"... I think he basically gave me his honest answer on how he feels about this "relationship"...
He is currently waiting for ME to END this relationship! ...
I don't know the guy, but if he's such a good person like you said that he is, I doubt that he purposefully tried to hurt you or lead you on. He has problems that have nothing to do with you and you're taking it personally.
Well at least you KNOW why you've gotten into those situations and have self awareness.
Now all that is left, is to act on it.
Allow yourself to heal, reflect, and incorporate what you've learned in future.
Sorry you're going through this, but it will get better.
As for the guy, I don't think he didn't care about you or the relationship. He's had issues long before he met you, so don't beat yourself up too much.
Location: In the cold, dark wasteland of eternity...
926 posts, read 669,967 times
Reputation: 1525
Quote:
Originally Posted by rbohm
at least you are working on strengthening your self now. better late than never. i will caution you however to not go overboard with this effort, as you may be cutting the cord on someone you should have in your life.
just remember it is a balancing act that we all take on with relationships.
Yes, I was thinking about that - I don't want to go overboard with regard to kicking someone to the curb just because they exhibit a "red flag", emotional damage or a personality dysfunction - but at the same time, I NEVER *ever* want to go through this EVER again. So, at this point, it would almost be worth living alone than trusting another guy to date if he exhibits ANY sign of emotional dysfunction or any serious character flaws or red flags
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar
I don't know the guy, but if he's such a good person like you said that he is, I doubt that he purposefully tried to hurt you or lead you on. He has problems that have nothing to do with you and you're taking it personally.
Well, maybe he didn't intend on hurting me intentionally at first...but, I DO know that he DID lead me on for 8 months and was waiting for me to "put a stake through" our relationsip because he TOLD me this last weekend. So yeah, I took this personally.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Auraliea
Well at least you KNOW why you've gotten into those situations and have self awareness.
Now all that is left, is to act on it. Allow yourself to heal, reflect, and incorporate what you've learned in future. Sorry you're going through this, but it will get better.
As for the guy, I don't think he didn't care about you or the relationship. He's had issues long before he met you, so don't beat yourself up too much.
Thank you for your post Auraliea...your suggestion is exactly what I am currently doing. As for your last two sentences, I have also come to that conclusion. I'm trying not to beat myself up over it, but I still feel like a fool for taking a chance on him...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Missy2U
You asked if we'd ever entered into a relationship even though we saw red flags.
My answer is way too many times! You are SO not alone in this. It took me until I was 30 to learn that it wasn't a real good idea to say the least.
Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone in this, Missy. But, trust me, I have learned my lesson.
Ive ran into relationships that had so many red flags, I thought they were a bullfighter...
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I'm so sorry if I'm boring anyone with this. I'm in tears right now...because I know - in my heart of hearts - that he will NOT make ANY effort to improve his behaviour (or his mindset) towards me. And, this is why:
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