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Have you ever run into someone with this abnormal type of thinking? Example: "My last relationship was with a borderline personality psycho so I've decided to stay away from relationships for the rest of my life". It almost reeks of discrimination also to lump all future partners into one category because of a bad experience. Just because a woman has a relatoinship with a jerk doesn't mean she should consider all men jerks ya know? Sure, we've all been hurt but it doesn't stop normal people from trying again and hopefully they learned a lesson from it. There is a saying that people will treat you the way you allow them to and I think this is true. Sure, people have done me wrong before but I only let it happen once because I'm not a doormat. It doesn't mean that I'm going to avoid people all together for the rest of my life or say "people are jerks" because of one bad exerience. I think there's too many people suffering from this victim psyche and it's not attractive at all. The only people I can think that would find it attractive are abusers which means that the victim psyche people are just gonna run into problems for the remainder of their life. I have compassion for people that have suffered things like a death or for children beaten by their parents or for old people beaten in nursing homes but I don't have compassion for grown adults who have a relationship problem and never get over it. Whining and complaining is not attractive or the way to handle things. How bout some pride and backbone people? But having pride doesnt mean being a B or a jerk. You can still be loving and smart and strong all at the same time. Anyone with thoughts on this victim psyche population? Do you think it is attractive? Would you like to hang out or be in a relationship with a "victim"? Any clues on how to spot them early on so you don't become a victim like them?
the victim thing is not proof of mental illness.
it is a pervasive social attitude, a bad one.
being that it eludes much personal responsibility
and worse seems to justify all manner of bad behavior.
Well if they are avoiding getting involved in a relationship you probably don't have to worry about dealing with them, right?
Quote:
Originally Posted by CoolHeat
Have you ever run into someone with this abnormal type of thinking? Example: "My last relationship was with a borderline personality psycho so I've decided to stay away from relationships for the rest of my life". It almost reeks of discrimination also to lump all future partners into one category because of a bad experience. Just because a woman has a relatoinship with a jerk doesn't mean she should consider all men jerks ya know? Sure, we've all been hurt but it doesn't stop normal people from trying again and hopefully they learned a lesson from it. There is a saying that people will treat you the way you allow them to and I think this is true. Sure, people have done me wrong before but I only let it happen once because I'm not a doormat. It doesn't mean that I'm going to avoid people all together for the rest of my life or say "people are jerks" because of one bad exerience. I think there's too many people suffering from this victim psyche and it's not attractive at all. The only people I can think that would find it attractive are abusers which means that the victim psyche people are just gonna run into problems for the remainder of their life. I have compassion for people that have suffered things like a death or for children beaten by their parents or for old people beaten in nursing homes but I don't have compassion for grown adults who have a relationship problem and never get over it. Whining and complaining is not attractive or the way to handle things. How bout some pride and backbone people? But having pride doesnt mean being a B or a jerk. You can still be loving and smart and strong all at the same time. Anyone with thoughts on this victim psyche population? Do you think it is attractive? Would you like to hang out or be in a relationship with a "victim"? Any clues on how to spot them early on so you don't become a victim like them?
I've met many "victims" who whine about how unlucky they are and how nothing ever goes their way. I start off by trying to get them to look at things from a different angle and to see themselves the way others see them. Usually that doesn't work, and eventually you have to just give up on them because it is too draining to be around them.
Try explaining to someone that the reason they just got passed over for a promotion, or dumped by their boyfriend, or not invited along on a group outing is because they are constantly whining about "poor me" and it gets old. You can try to tell them that but they will never believe you.
People with a victim mentality need to step outside of their comfort zone and think outside the box. Chances are, they keep going after the very same types of people and repeating the same scenario over and over again. They gotta bust outta that!
Cool thoughts on this widespread attitude problem people. Like I mentioned b4 I do have compassion but I think people should only be allowed to wallow for a short period of time (not months or years). And I'm talking about relationship problems (since this is the relationship area of City Data I'm sure you know) not death or anything major like that. My mama always said to pull yourself up by your bootstraps or if ya fall off the horse then git right back on. I just had a flash that the victim psyche people may be the quitter types instead of the winner types.
Cool thoughts on this widespread attitude problem people. Like I mentioned b4 I do have compassion but I think people should only be allowed to wallow for a short period of time (not months or years). And I'm talking about relationship problems (since this is the relationship area of City Data I'm sure you know) not death or anything major like that. My mama always said to pull yourself up by your bootstraps or if ya fall off the horse then git right back on. I just had a flash that the victim psyche people may be the quitter types instead of the winner types.
Yes and no. Don't give up on this type of person just yet. It is possible to pull out of the narrow focus they hold dear. It is their reality. Their perception. It doesn't jive with you, and that's alright. There is possibly a reason they are continuing this behavior and they may have learned this from early on, like their parents.
I see a person who is communicating the only way they know how to; communicating for a little smidge of compassion. A little hope. A little guidance. They won't admit to it, they won't understand your advice, and they won't be ready to hear it, possibly the rest of their lives. But it is a form of crying out. I believe there is an underlying message attached to why they keep dragging up the past. They are fighting so hard from within to let it go, but it is unfamiliar terrain to them. Like a ghost that haunts, repetitive cycles of self torture almost brings gratitude. Its a form of comfort. Theirs just happens to be verbal to you.
If you can't help them, don't. Someone may just come along and give them what they need to set off the light bulb. They might just grow tired and see the light that leaving that baggage behind them is the only way to grow forward. When they find themselves alone, a lot, and begin to look inward with a little bit of courage, they will figure it out. Sometimes its painful to watch them self destruct without any notion of why you can't help them. Its part of their lesson in life. Their journey. Just be supportive and lead by example.
to all my friends and family who stuck with me through these tough years,
Thanks for not giving up on me.
Then maybe they need a psychaitrist or go on the Dr. Phil show. A flash came to me that these are blamer types that label and blame the person from bad relationship as psychotic emotional abusers but actually the victim pysche person is also abnormal in their mental state. This reminds me of the chicks in abusive marriages that never leave.
I don't know if I'd call that victim mentality. Maybe such people are just being realistic?! I've been saying now for years that I won't ever get into another relationship. It's not because I think all men are bad, though. It's because I don't trust my own judgment! I have a terrible track record, I admit it. Also, to my detriment, if I'm in a room with 100 men, I'll find the most dysfunctional one, and be wildly attracted to him. It's a gift!
Now, my ex-husband is a perpetual victim. Nothing that happens to him is ever his fault. "What do you mean, they turned off the gas?" "Well, dear, maybe it's because we didn't pay the bill?!" He still complains that his father didn't pay for his education, when the reality is that his dad would have been more than willing to pay if my ex had shown any sustained interest. It's as if he's sitting at the bottom of a dark, dank well. There's a ladder for him to climb out into the sunlight, but he can't see it. He just sits there in the muck and complains!
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
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I think there are two distinct victim types. The OP is talking about those who talk, complain and whine about their bad experience. I would fall under the victim type that rarely discusses my bad experiences (other than on here, lol.)
I fall into a category called "many of the men in my life have disappointed me." I also can laugh about every single experience because, I'll admit it, to some degree I feel I've been plopped here and everyone else is nuts. {insert tongue in cheek.}
My dad could never shut up about how fat I am. {My response continues to be Are you kidding me?}
My husband cheated. {Are you kidding me?}
A boyfriend was dating 10 woman at a time. {Are you kidding me?}
Best-friend's husband (and a man who said he was sorry that his friend/my husband had cheated on me) turned out to be gay and on the down-low for decades. {Are you kidding me?}
Countering that I have a lovely small pod of people who continue to surprise me with their depth and pure appreciation of me (and I them.) My companion says I'm the perfect woman. (Poor man, he is hopelessly in love despite my ten year attempt to just be one of the boys.) A lovely deceased male friend told me I was a keeper. Another friend compared me to the Gold Rush and his wish to stake a claim.
So there are some very passionate and "authentic" (<<<<<insanely important) men in my life. But that still doesn't mean I want an intimate relationship with them...because of my previous disappointment.
"Being a victim has been berry berry good to me." (Some of you won't be old enough to understand this reference.) It's made me more aware of my vulnerabilities. Although, I swat at them like flies. Out vulnerablitities...OUT!
What I found after all the dust cleared that I, MainStreet, 45 year old divorced mom and great white north lover, is just one big bubbling cauldron of JOY & gratitude; and I intend on dying in my attempt to spread it.
Now...if a man were to get off his buns and insert himself into my joy-fest, I unfortunately would probably see him as Hannibal Lecter being cranked up on a dumbwaiter in front of me and therefore an annoying obstacle.
See kids, as you get older, you sort of figure out EXACTLY what you want, as well a clear appreciation for what you have. I know, that after a few seasons of The Deadliest Catch, the great show Ice Road Truckers, and previews of this month's new Ax Men, I am ONLY looking for a salty hard worker who smells like gasoline and chainsaw lubricant. Only then will my persona of "victim of the malignant" be history.
My goodness....tell me the truth....don't you think this post would make a GREAT singles ad?
Last edited by MainStreet; 03-05-2008 at 05:13 AM..
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In any case-They need to get over it
