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After nine years, and having a little 5 year old boy, My wife announced that she is done with the marriage.
She wants to find a job and eventually move out..
I have been in a very difficult place mentally. I don't know how to fight the emotions, and how to have faith for the future.
I have reached out to anyone that can help. That keeps me going. I started a blog , and that helps a bit too.
So what happened with us?
For anyone who has run into me before, I was single income provider for my family. And I am an over-planner, and got very stressed with the plans for the future.
We did well, and finally had a comfortable life, but the years of controlling how money was spent burnt my wife out. She felt she had no control or say. I was wound up, stressed, and was not fun anymore.
She was unhappy a long time, and I could not really hear what she was saying in terms of what needed to change. I was faced with an insurmountable task of making things work, and I figured, that once things were more stable, we could work on our marriage. Bad call.
Anyways, reaching out into the universe for all the help I can get. I tried to fight for the marriage. But its over.
I still love her dearly, but I can see that she has nothing in her heart for me... and its probably best we all move on.
I just need help to figure out how others did it, or are doing it?
I need to fix my battered self-esteem, build a semblance of an exciting life. I want to focus on being happy again.
First, I am so sorry for you, your wife, and your child that you are all having to go through this - and for the reasons you apparently got there in the first place.
It is a lot to cope with a divorce even if you had foreseen it coming. Had you been the one to initiate all this, you might have felt more control over the whole situation and that might have been a bit easier, especially since control is something you seem to thrive on. But, you didn't and you can't control this so you are in shock I am sure because it sounds as though this came as a surprise to you. The person who is surprised is the one who probably will suffer a lot more in this kind of situation unfortunately.
I wish I could give you easy ways to get over this but I can't. You hurt because you obviously care - about your marriage, about trying to fix it, about your wife, and hopefully about your child (who is really the most important person in this family triad - and for whom both you and your wife I hope fought hardest) and that makes it doubly hard for you. If you didn't, you would not be capable of being so hurt right now. The hard part is that it is preferable to be a person who can care (and therefore can bleed) than to be a robot who cannot.
There is no easy, simple, quick way out here - you just have to get through this horrible event/period. You will probably feel heartbroken and lost for quite a while. You are grieving - and having gone through both this and losing a husband to death as well, I am not sure that losing a person to death is not easier than this to be honest. Why? Because there are often more 'what ifs' to deal with and self-blame and you have to go on dealing with someone who is still alive and you may still love and want back and know that can never happen. When there is a child that is particularly applicable.
The only good thing I can tell you is that you will not feel this bad forever. Things will get easier and some light will begin to climb back into your life, a little at a time .. till you feel much more whole again.
I hope you and your wife can find a way to be 'friendly' for your child's sake. That should be your focus for now. Worry more about your own self later .. there is plenty of time for self-recrimination and growth/learning from what went wrong later once you have your child's best interests sorted out. Work together .. no matter what your issues are with each other .. to make the transition as easy and loving as possible.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. You will feel better in time and have renewed hope. It is like the pain of a nasty operation .. eventually it fades enough that you get on with life and have trouble recalling it all to the same degree .. but you never forget that you had the operation or what may have led up to it .. and sometimes that is a good thing because you may then be more prepared to prevent another one in future.
You realize now some of the reasons why this has happened. That is important to your future happiness but enough of that for now - you can come back to that later as I said. My heart goes out to you. You WILL be ok .. just give it a bit of time. Take a deep breath and then work with your wife to ensure your child comes through this as happy and secure as possible - knowing his parents both love him and want the best for him despite the fact that they cannot get along right now as a couple. Change is not easy for anyone - but your child needs you most right now.
After nine years, and having a little 5 year old boy, My wife announced that she is done with the marriage.
She wants to find a job and eventually move out..
I have been in a very difficult place mentally. I don't know how to fight the emotions, and how to have faith for the future.
I have reached out to anyone that can help. That keeps me going. I started a blog , and that helps a bit too.
So what happened with us?
For anyone who has run into me before, I was single income provider for my family. And I am an over-planner, and got very stressed with the plans for the future.
We did well, and finally had a comfortable life, but the years of controlling how money was spent burnt my wife out. She felt she had no control or say. I was wound up, stressed, and was not fun anymore.
She was unhappy a long time, and I could not really hear what she was saying in terms of what needed to change. I was faced with an insurmountable task of making things work, and I figured, that once things were more stable, we could work on our marriage. Bad call.
Anyways, reaching out into the universe for all the help I can get. I tried to fight for the marriage. But its over.
I still love her dearly, but I can see that she has nothing in her heart for me... and its probably best we all move on.
I just need help to figure out how others did it, or are doing it?
I need to fix my battered self-esteem, build a semblance of an exciting life. I want to focus on being happy again.
Any thoughts?
I would recommend reading the book "Chained Eagle" by a former US Navy Pilot who was a POW in North Vietnam after being shot down. He endured harsh physical torture and nearly died in captivity. He tried to maintain his sanity by writing letters to his wife. But she divorced him and left for another man. His wife had become impregnated.
Somehow, the naval pilot survived. Not only did he have divorce to deal with, but he had a full-blown war with captivity as a POW. He nearly starved to death.
A Vietnam Veteran told me once "If you think you have it bad, just visit a VA hospital. The wounded veterans have it far worse". At least you have your health and your son. This clip shows a paralyzed Vietnam Veteran wounded in the 1968 Tet Offensive struggling to survive in the aftermath in a VA Hospital. The "Nam" was hell on earth with many casualties. Agent Orange is still causing health problems decades later.
Okay, here goes... You're about to be F#@$%@d. Royally. You're about to be screwed over like you never could have imagined.
Myself: Married 6 years, divorced, with no children. I was the higher wage earner. Long story short, the separation was 1 year, and the divorce took about 1.5 years. In total, I lost close to $300K in cash, stock and assets.
My advice: Do NOT drink or do drugs to deal with the stress. Try to find a positive to release energy - whether, it be the gym, a local prostitute, a priest, your mother, new religion, etc. Find something or someone that adds a smile to your face, that isn't detrimental to your health. You'll need this "thing" to comfort you while you deal with loss of finances, the legal process and your soon to be ex-wife making this process a nightmare for you.
The Positive: all things pass. you'll get over this and come out stronger.
Wow !! How considerate of yoh all to share such in depth advice. Thank you.
I feel less lonely thanks to this.
My son is the most important thing to me now. I am being thre best father I can be. Better than I have before. Spending a lot of time with him. Quality time.
He is happy. Knows he is loved . Been sleeping withh him, since i am in a separate room. He loves it. Play with him everyday.
I have many fears. I am an immigrant, so a divorce means that my wide fors back. So we will stay martied till we figure out how to make our residency permanent.
I will put the needs of my son before my issues.
As for my assets, I want my wife to have half of it. Hopefully I will have wnough to keep my lifestyle to aome degree.
I will write more explaining my immigrant aituation and how it impacts out situation
After nine years, and having a little 5 year old boy, My wife announced that she is done with the marriage.
She wants to find a job and eventually move out..
I have been in a very difficult place mentally. I don't know how to fight the emotions, and how to have faith for the future.
I have reached out to anyone that can help. That keeps me going. I started a blog , and that helps a bit too.
So what happened with us?
For anyone who has run into me before, I was single income provider for my family. And I am an over-planner, and got very stressed with the plans for the future.
We did well, and finally had a comfortable life, but the years of controlling how money was spent burnt my wife out. She felt she had no control or say. I was wound up, stressed, and was not fun anymore.
She was unhappy a long time, and I could not really hear what she was saying in terms of what needed to change. I was faced with an insurmountable task of making things work, and I figured, that once things were more stable, we could work on our marriage. Bad call.
Anyways, reaching out into the universe for all the help I can get. I tried to fight for the marriage. But its over.
I still love her dearly, but I can see that she has nothing in her heart for me... and its probably best we all move on.
I just need help to figure out how others did it, or are doing it?
I need to fix my battered self-esteem, build a semblance of an exciting life. I want to focus on being happy again.
Any thoughts?
How were you controlling the money? Were you controlling the money or being "cheap?" What were you doing with the money that she thought was so bad? Were you not paying for her basic needs or did you not allow extras even if the finances allowed? As the only breadwinner maintaining a household and taking care of two other people, it only makes sense to be mindful of how the money is spent.
How were you controlling the money? Were you controlling the money or being "cheap?" What were you doing with the money that she thought was so bad? Were you not paying for her basic needs or did you not allow extras even if the finances allowed? As the only breadwinner maintaining a household and taking care of two other people, it only makes sense to be mindful of how the money is spent.
I was constantly watching how we were overspending and trying to maintain my budgets. She was well provided for at least from my perspective. Cosmetics , hair, time out with friends, but it always required a conversation. If there was a big spend, then we needed to talk so that some other expenses coild be reduced.
The constant control was patronizing. And we had a fundamental difference on money.
I tried to make room for whatever she wanted but it had to wait often or spread out. She was raised to believe that money should be a non issue in a relationship. And i could not do it.
I felt she had expectations I could not meet, and told her so . She took it as a sign of disrespect.
Thanks for your kind words. i was a bitter and joyless man. I let my burdens of provider break me.
I was driven by fear and wanted her to be afraid and respect what i was hoing through.
She felt unappreciated for being a SAHM. And I did not celebrate her contributions enough.
More than anything I was negative and stressed.
We have had mostly cordial and friendly pact since the separation.
Living in the same house. Co parenting, helping each other with daily stuff.
I do feel a lot of anger but I try to think of having a friendly break , if we can manage it.
But we will hang on in this limbo for a long time to come.
There were also cases of perfunctory enotionAl affairs in the past few months, and that just tears into my heart.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aery11
First, I am so sorry for you, your wife, and your child that you are all having to go through this - and for the reasons you apparently got there in the first place.
It is a lot to cope with a divorce even if you had foreseen it coming. Had you been the one to initiate all this, you might have felt more control over the whole situation and that might have been a bit easier, especially since control is something you seem to thrive on. But, you didn't and you can't control this so you are in shock I am sure because it sounds as though this came as a surprise to you. The person who is surprised is the one who probably will suffer a lot more in this kind of situation unfortunately.
I wish I could give you easy ways to get over this but I can't. You hurt because you obviously care - about your marriage, about trying to fix it, about your wife, and hopefully about your child (who is really the most important person in this family triad - and for whom both you and your wife I hope fought hardest) and that makes it doubly hard for you. If you didn't, you would not be capable of being so hurt right now. The hard part is that it is preferable to be a person who can care (and therefore can bleed) than to be a robot who cannot.
There is no easy, simple, quick way out here - you just have to get through this horrible event/period. You will probably feel heartbroken and lost for quite a while. You are grieving - and having gone through both this and losing a husband to death as well, I am not sure that losing a person to death is not easier than this to be honest. Why? Because there are often more 'what ifs' to deal with and self-blame and you have to go on dealing with someone who is still alive and you may still love and want back and know that can never happen. When there is a child that is particularly applicable.
The only good thing I can tell you is that you will not feel this bad forever. Things will get easier and some light will begin to climb back into your life, a little at a time .. till you feel much more whole again.
I hope you and your wife can find a way to be 'friendly' for your child's sake. That should be your focus for now. Worry more about your own self later .. there is plenty of time for self-recrimination and growth/learning from what went wrong later once you have your child's best interests sorted out. Work together .. no matter what your issues are with each other .. to make the transition as easy and loving as possible.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. You will feel better in time and have renewed hope. It is like the pain of a nasty operation .. eventually it fades enough that you get on with life and have trouble recalling it all to the same degree .. but you never forget that you had the operation or what may have led up to it .. and sometimes that is a good thing because you may then be more prepared to prevent another one in future.
You realize now some of the reasons why this has happened. That is important to your future happiness but enough of that for now - you can come back to that later as I said. My heart goes out to you. You WILL be ok .. just give it a bit of time. Take a deep breath and then work with your wife to ensure your child comes through this as happy and secure as possible - knowing his parents both love him and want the best for him despite the fact that they cannot get along right now as a couple. Change is not easy for anyone - but your child needs you most right now.
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