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Some background: my husband has always been sort of a negative, introverted person- but he could turn it on and off. I chalked it up to him growing up with a family that is very negative and always complaining about something. He has some OCD tendencies and is also super critical of himself. He never thinks he's good enough, not smart enough, his (custom) clothes don't fit right, he doesn't make enough money. He also can't stand to be uncomfortable and has a tendency to run or quit anything that's out of his comfort zone. He said he hated his job, he hated the state we lived in, and swore everything would be better if he could just get a transfer.
Fast forward, he gets the temporary 18 month out of state transfer he so desperately wanted. I was on maternity leave with our infant, so I let my job know I wasn't coming back and we moved. This new position pays for our housing costs while we're here so it was great timing and a great opportunity for me to be able to stay home with our baby.
His old position didn't demand much of him but this new one has him drowning. It doesn't seem like much to me but he's overwhelmed by multiple projects and deadlines and public speaking. He says he's in over his head and not smart enough for the position- that he doesn't know what he's doing and this was all a big mistake. He comes home, sighs, says he has a headache or stomach ache, lays on the couch, talks about how he's failing me and our baby. When we argue, he's reduced to tears at how miserable he is right now. He doesn't take any suggestion I give him and doesn't actively try to think of ways to fix the problem. For a small example, when he complains of daily headaches I offer to get him Advil and he says no. It's like he'd rather have the headache just to whine about it. I try to make his favorite dinners or plan fun weekend family outings, but the depression always comes back. He's stopped going to the gym and lost 20 pounds in the last two months. I know he loves our baby but he doesn't participate much and doesn't seem as enamored by the milestones as I am.
I've finally woken up to realize he has severe anxiety and/or depression. He can't get on medication because of the nature of his job. He vents that he's stuck and needs to quit and get a meaningless job "digging ditches" but I don't know if quitting the job would even solve his problems at this point. We spend nights watching tv in silence on our phones, we don't kiss, we haven't had sex since I was pregnant.. and our baby is 8 months.
I've gone cold and emotionless. I feel nothing when he cries. I can't help thinking of him as pathetic, and I feel terrible for that. I don't even know what advice I'm looking for. Maybe I'm just needing to vent.
Whether it's depression, anxiety, both, or anything on the spectrum of obsessive compulsive behavior factoring in as well, he sounds too emotionally unstable to cope with normal things in life. Unless he can address this, it will adversely affect all his relationships, not just the marital one.
FWIW, my ex was much like this. His own anxieties, distorted perceptions, and inability to be happy marred every facet of his life. He briefly sought CBT, which is why I cautiously agreed to the relationship...I saw being accountable for one's own mental health as a positive. But it didn't last.
Depending on his work, simply being prescribed psych meds may render him ineligible. My spouse would lose clearances required to do his job.
That said, the OP's partner may or may not be in an appropriate line of work, anyway.
Yes exactly right. He can't be on medication and keep his position. He'd even have to disclose therapy, which has him nervous. The whole thing has me feeling very stuck. If we were just dating, sure it's easy to write someone off. But this is my husband, and the father of my child. I need to make this work but I need him to take some steps on his own.
Thing is, seeking treatment is eventually going to become more critical than his job. Because work that prohibits psych meds and even mental health counseling also is generally unsafe to do with untreated psych issues.
My husband has a one-time colleague who needed to be on medication, but doing so would result in being medically retired, so he avoided it. Thing was, doing his work with an untreated and undisclosed disorder was a danger.
Yes exactly right. He can't be on medication and keep his position. He'd even have to disclose therapy, which has him nervous. The whole thing has me feeling very stuck. If we were just dating, sure it's easy to write someone off. But this is my husband, and the father of my child. I need to make this work but I need him to take some steps on his own.
You can't "make this work."
He has to play an active role in making it work. Ask yourself if he's equipped to be a partner and parent in his current state.
We've always been like that- me being the more playful, loud, social one. Recently, it's getting exhausting to constantly be the cheerleader. It almost feels like I'm married to an angsty teenager. But everything you're saying is so spot on. His dad is a very bitter man who still harbors resentments from 30 years ago. While his mom is sweet, she so clearly favors his sister... who is also consistently negative with social issues. Neither my husband or his sister seemed to have many childhood friends. They spent a lot of time just with the family, which I always thought was kind of endearing, but now I'm realizing it was more to keep people out. I, on the other hand, have the same large group of girl friends from kindergarten. We were loud, social, popular, and still talk daily. Can I ask- are you in therapy and has it worked for you? I know he doesn't want to lose me and will listen when we talk seriously. Do you think it should be solo therapy for just him or a couples therapy? I'm worried if he goes alone he'll put on an act and sugarcoat everything and just say he's stressed about work.
This is just so...strange. Your husband obviously has talents in his field of work. He must be exhibiting productive qualities and aptitude, or he wouldn't have landed his current position to begin with. So, outwardly he exudes confidence and drive, then comes home and turns into a jellyfish. Two very different sides to the same guy, and it's in private he lets ...what ...come out? Is this the real him or is it the guy at work firewalling the throttles? Usually it's our private face that's the real one, but I'm just trying to get a measure of things.
I understand how it feels to feel inadequate, stressed out, and have two masks to wear. I had one for work, and one for home as well, and who I really was stayed hidden to everyone but my son and a couple very close friends. Does your husband have any ...hobbies or other things that he puts any effort into? Something that when he's into it he seems to relax and flow a bit? It's not that important really I'm just curious.
At any rate, what some have said here is quite on target. He needs to hear just exactly what you're seeing him like without a spoonful to help the medicine go down. This whining about feeling so much less of a man etc, well, hand it to him hot and steaming. That's EXACTLY how he's acting. What he's complaining about. As less. A kicked puppy, cowering and peeing on the floor. Until he's honest with himself, and admits that he's the problem, not anyone else, he'll stay trapped in his little world with his binky wrapped around him. He's got a family depending on him, a life with them that HE has to fight for, he's in a far better position to do so than so many men as he has a good job and the means and resources to make things happen. There's a lot of guys who are keeping things even without all the advantages he has.
Yet he has the audacity to play victim? Yes indeed. Lay it out. Put a mudhole in the middle of his pity party. Your concerns that he will blow sunshine up a counselors hind end are warranted, and most couples counselors have separate one on one sessions as well as having both present to preclude such subterfuge. For your sake as much as his, getting some outside help will be needed. Gotta drag out the truth and beat him with it till he can feel the motivation .
Depending on his work, simply being prescribed psych meds may render him ineligible. My spouse would lose clearances required to do his job.
Not to derail the thread too much, but I was shocked to learn how widespread this is. The military, law enforcement, etc. put people in highly stressful and traumatic situations, and yet they're often wary of asking for mental health help because that could ruin their careers. It's a terrible catch 22.
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 03-21-2017 at 11:35 AM..
And untreated psych issues are a danger in ALL those fields.
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