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He needs to get therapy asap. If his job won't let him even be in therapy, then he needs to find a new job. He can't help being depressed and anxious, but he sure can help what he does about it. If he chooses not to get help for himself, then that's on him but life is too short and you can't let him take you down with him. Not to mention what it will do to your daughter growing up with a dad who hates himself and is constantly negative. She will grow up needing her own therapy right off the bat.
I agree with others that you shouldn't sugar coat anything. I would tell him you love him and you want things to get better, but if he refuses to get help you're leaving him and going back home with your daughter. And mean it and actually do it if he refuses to get any help. I wish you all the best and hope that he takes you seriously.
Believe me, I'm definitely not one to sugar coat. I'm what my husband used to affectionately refer to as "a tough broad." The only reason I softened was for a few reasons. One being that this was the most down I've ever seen him and it made me sad to think he doesn't really have friends to talk to. Not letting him vent seemed like I'd be taking away his options to express himself at all. And two, he is SO self loathing and constantly going on about how he's doing wrong by me, and he's ashamed of himself, and he pathetic- how can I add fuel to that fire by jumping on the bandwagon? But I'm human and I do lose my cool, today being one of them. We just spoke during lunch (after a round of his usual pity party texts all morning) and I told him he needs to find a therapist or I need a break. Recently I've emailed two for him and he never returned their calls so now the balls in his court.
And about the job- I'm fairly certain he's completely exaggerating his incompetency. He'll give a presentation and then come home distraught saying he sounded like a blubbering idiot and when I ask what his boss said, he'll say "she said it was good but I can just tell from how she looked at me." I wish I could be a fly on the wall and see what really goes on there. His coworkers all like him and invite him out. I think it's all in his head.
It's...interesting...how despite the fact that nobody is tearing him down (quite the opposite from the sounds of it) that he would be so self berating. The situation I dealt with in my now defunct marriage was the opposite. I'm good at what I do. Yet everything I ever did my ex would just nit pick to death. Home projects that I would pour all my effort and off time into making every detail as fine as possible she would always find something wrong with. Then, to salt the wound, she would drag her mother over (who fancied herself some sort of home improvement guru) and they would tear apart what I did and put it all back to their own "exacting" standards. Always creating a bloody mess of things that wouldn't look or work right, and then blame it on me. Ya see, "if I had just done it right to start with" they wouldn't have had to destroy it. Oh my, the horror stories I could relate. But I digress.
How that relates to your situation is that usually someone who is that self critical has people such as my ex and her idiot mother at the core of it. Trying to make someone feel as though they are below standards no matter how much skill and effort is applied to a particular endeavor. Most sources would say that goes back to the formative years. An overly critical mother or father who just can't give praise unto death. Nothing ever being good enough. From what you're saying though, this is all coming from him. That's just...odd. In my case I never took the criticism to heart. I knew it was BS and it didn't tear down my self esteem. Just built massive resentment and boiling anger. Until one day I just walked.
What could be driving your husband to such levels of self loathing I just can't say. One thing is for certain though, it can't continue. As much for your and your daughters sake as his. Maybe more.
An update: he tried to sink into his recent after work routine of laying on the couch under a blanket, browsing the news on his phone with tv in the background. I basically told him I need to see an effort or I need to go take a break. Having said that, I'm pretty much bluffing. Where am I going to go? My parents retired to North Carolina and I don't really have an interest in going down there. And my friends back home are mostly unmarried and renting apartments and such- not exactly the best baby environment. I'm also not working. It's just overwhelming to even think about following through with that threat but I digress.
He agreed to see a doctor but as much as he goes along with my advice, there's always something. He said he'd go but then he starts questioning "what are they even going to do for me?" I was looking up primary care physicians because I think that'd be a good first start, and that he needs some blood drawn etc. I'm questioning maybe testosterone levels after doing some of my own research. After a few minutes of searching I thought "what the hell am I doing?" and told him he's a grown ass man and needs to look up his own doctor. He has to show me he wants this. I told him he's not being a good husband or father right now and I need to see him fight for our family. He found the task of looking up a doctor so stressful that he refused to eat dinner.
I'm separating myself from his personal battle. I'm going to just keep being positive and enjoying time with my daughter. He can fix himself or he can not. It's out of my hands.
It's an easy trap to fall into. Anxiety and depression are a symbiotic pair of lethal predators. My divorce and the vengeful, flat nasty methodology my ex deployed to exact her revenge had me facing both. Depression sneaking up from behind reminding me that she had taken everything I worked 20 years to build and that she was now in control of it all (control was he big thing) and anxiety hitting from the front, as she used my financial situation to ensure I couldn't move forward. The past and the future used as weapons. Took some serious doing to get past it all. The ex did her dirty work well and had some help doing it.
Only after I took control away from her and just quit letting her push my buttons did I start moving again. Even now, all these years later, she still tries to sneak in and take potshots. But as you say, our own mental and emotional health is our own responsibility. We can't get better by hiding and lieing to ourselves and the people who care about us. And follow through is key. Sliding back can happen really easy. That backsliding is the true epitome of insanity. Why would someone fight so hard to get out of a place that you know is a pit, only to turn around and jump back in?
Well, everyone's situation is different. But the common thread is one has to really WANT to be better. That's the one thing that is the same across the board.
For him, body dymorphic disorder was more the issue, but anxiety and depresssion are typically comorbid. BDD is difficult to effectively treat, but CBT shows the most significant evidence-based results. He didn't, however, choose to keep up with it, which made life difficult for not only him, but anyone around him.
Wait, YES on the body dysmorphia! I've always half joked with him about it but it's so true. He is in incredible body building shape but constantly thinks he looks terrible. It's always "I look small", "I look like sh-." Exhausting.
Exhausting, for me, didn't begin to describe it.
It was also disheartening in the extreme, because no matter how highly I thought of him, the bottom line was that it didn't matter at all to him, because it didn't match his faulty cognitions. It didn't reenforce what he already thought, and was therefore of no value.
If he is concerned about taking meds or disclosing therapy, one thing that helps and was recommended to me by my therapist is the book Feeling Good by David Burns. What it does is helps alleviate anxiety and depression by confronting and combatting cognitive distortions. I am not going to lie though. It takes work and practice. But it does work. But he actually has to open the book and do it.
If he is concerned about taking meds or disclosing therapy, one thing that helps and was recommended to me by my therapist is the book Feeling Good by David Burns. What it does is helps alleviate anxiety and depression by confronting and combatting cognitive distortions. I am not going to lie though. It takes work and practice. But it does work. But he actually has to open the book and do it.
Thank you, I'll tell him. I just found him in the bedroom watching the self help YouTube videos I suggested he look up, so I think he'd be open to it.
Yes. If treatment that shows up in medical history is not doable, career-wise, there is also value in seriously pursuing self-help, depending on severity.
And cognitive behavior therapy IS very demanding, and requires a serious vigilance and effort on the part of the individual. Reframing distorted thoughts, usually deeply held, requires a lot of work.
Last edited by TabulaRasa; 03-21-2017 at 07:54 PM..
You might think I am crazy, but have him try magnesium supplements. The magnesium oxide in multivitamins is garbage. I take 400 mg. magnesium glycinate. It helps alleviate anxiety and depression. And Omega-3s, and Vitamin D-3, because they are mood elevators.
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Ya see, "if I had just done it right to start with" they wouldn't have had to destroy it. Oh my, the horror stories I could relate. But I digress.
