My boyfriend is going to ask my father for my hand in marriage even though I told him I did not want him too (girlfriend, men)
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Hmmm, I get why he wants to get your father's blessing, and actually his desire to do this is a very strong sign of respect that he has FOR YOU. Except....you expressly forbade it and he plans to do it anyway.
He doesn't feel comfortable having a union of families without this step, and you don't feel comfortable with it. I think the only thing to do is break it off with him. Otherwise this is always going to bother you and will probably be brought up in future arguments even if unrelated.
I did not forget. He asked and I thought it was not a good idea because my dad can be a big jerk sometimes especially about this subject.
And if he was going to do it, why when I am in Vegas?
And he asked my sister instead of me? They could have told me at least...?
This is a tough one for me to weigh in on, OP. I don't want to sound prejudiced; however, I do know several women who married middle-eastern Muslim men. Those men only became more controlling as time went on; even though they were "Americanized" men and seemed non-religious or concerned about the "old ways" of their culture, once they married and especially when children came into the picture, the men took total control and the wives had none.
I don't know your situation, nor your fiance to be, but it seems that he has already ignored your wishes about how you hoped to proceed. I would consider that a big red flag.
Best of luck with your future. I pray you make the right decision and don't settle.
Lebanon is extremely progressive. Some posters on here keep bringing up the Muslim aspect. There are some Muslims who are more progressive than other men. It really depends on the individual.
As someone noted, he let me go to Vegas for a week. Thank you for this share. It means more coming from someone other than me.
Ok..let me be picky with language...."he let you go"?...could be have stopped you? What if he had tried?
I'm seeing both sides here. On the one hand, you've specifically told him not to ask your father. On the other hand, he feels like this is something he needs to do.
Marriage is about compromises. Most couples disagree about 65% of the time. (I didn't make that number up. There is research to support it.) One key to a good marriage is being able to compromise about those disagreements and come to a place where both are satisfied. This will be the first of many compromises in your life with this man.
Consider that this step by your boyfriend is likely to further endear him to your father, and will probably bring your father (and mother) along in accepting the religious and cultural differences. Your father will further respect the young man. While this might not matter to you, it should. Marriage is much easier when parents respect the in-law. I understand that might sound antiquated, but you should read through this forum and others. There are hundreds of stories about problems with in-laws.
Of course it's a problem that your boyfriend is not listening to what you want, but have you asked him why he wants to do this and listened to his answer? Also consider that you are sending mixed messages to him. You claim to be this independent woman. At the same time you want a "girly" proposal that makes you cry. Can you see the mixed message in that?
OP, bear in mind that people tend to rebel and experiment when they are young and revert to the traditions of their families as they age, especially around milestones like marriage and children. You may be seeing the beginning of a progression with your soon-to-be fiance. I'm not saying necessarily call off the wedding...I'm just saying be alert.
i feel ya. That whole "asking for the hand" is insane BS. And if a guy asked my father for my hand, my father would laugh in his face and then advise me to keep shopping, because the dude obviously didn't know who he was looking to marry. But I get where your fiance is coming from too - he's focused on melding families, whereas you are focused on your autonomy and personal dignity. I respect his practicality and I respect your integrity.
I think if he respects your autonomy and ethics in all other ways, this is a place to compromise, as much as you probably feel furious about it. He's in a tricky situation and trying to keep things moving smoothly and harmoniously. I'm not sure if this is the hill to make your stand on. There's gonna be a lot of bumps in your future - you might want to think about where you're willing to compromise and where you're not willing to compromise. Then have a conversation with your guy and lay out your boundaries very clearly.
This is a tough one for me to weigh in on, OP. I don't want to sound prejudiced; however, I do know several women who married middle-eastern Muslim men. Those men only became more controlling as time went on; even though they were "Americanized" men and seemed non-religious or concerned about the "old ways" of their culture, once they married and especially when children came into the picture, the men took total control and the wives had none.
^^^This!
You are already saying he does this and doesn't do that when it comes to his culture but when it comes to marriage his culture wins out.
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