My boyfriend is going to ask my father for my hand in marriage even though I told him I did not want him too

[stan4]

Originally Posted by KathrynAragon

Write down 20 expectations you have regarding your marriage together and marriage in general. Then compare notes. Think specifically about things like kids, finances, holidays, families, traditions, elder care for parents, discipline of kids, roles within the marriage such as who cooks, cleans, works full time, who will work after a child is born, etc.

Basically...premarital counseling.

[reneeh63]

Originally Posted by rrah

I'm seeing both sides here. On the one hand, you've specifically told him not to ask your father. On the other hand, he feels like this is something he needs to do.

Marriage is about compromises. Most couples disagree about 65% of the time. (I didn't make that number up. There is research to support it.) One key to a good marriage is being able to compromise about those disagreements and come to a place where both are satisfied. This will be the first of many compromises in your life with this man.

Consider that this step by your boyfriend is likely to further endear him to your father, and will probably bring your father (and mother) along in accepting the religious and cultural differences. Your father will further respect the young man. While this might not matter to you, it should. Marriage is much easier when parents respect the in-law. I understand that might sound antiquated, but you should read through this forum and others. There are hundreds of stories about problems with in-laws.

Of course it's a problem that your boyfriend is not listening to what you want, but have you asked him why he wants to do this and listened to his answer? Also consider that you are sending mixed messages to him. You claim to be this independent woman. At the same time you want a "girly" proposal that makes you cry. Can you see the mixed message in that?

Best wishes.

I don't think of "girly proposals" as being the opposite of independent.

And it is certainly not a mixed message when she EXPRESSLY said "no asking for hand in marriage", end of story. If he disagreed then THAT was the time he should have spoken up rather than going behind her back...bodes badly for the relationship and future unspoken disagreements. He didn't want to have an equal discussion of the issue - he just went and did what he wanted.

[cyn7cyn]

Originally Posted by reneeh63

Ok..let me be picky with language...."he let you go"?...could be have stopped you? What if he had tried?

Yep, I second that. Just shows how ideas are ingrained in us, whether we are aware of it or not.

[diyosa]

Originally Posted by RedWings18

This just seems like your letting your overly feminist go girl platitudes get the best of you

LOL.

Precisely.