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Old 04-06-2017, 11:15 AM
 
Location: South Carolina
14,785 posts, read 24,016,792 times
Reputation: 27092

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Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
Let this be a lesson to anyone who has sons....mothers, do not spoil them and do everything for them, teach them to be independent....if you do not, your enabling them to be a monster for the person they marry.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart amen and thank you , I manage to marry the biggest mamas boy God ever put on this earth and I was so glad when the divorce became final and I borrowed tina turners quote when the judge asked me what I wanted ? Just my name back before I married this mamas boy . That judge got the biggest grin on his face . bang of the gavel and I was free . Life is too short .


I taught my boys to sew . cook , clean and everything including how to run the washing machine , dw and anything else they need to learn to take care of themselves . My sister once said I teach my boys because they might marry a lazy woman who does not want to do anything when they come home .
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Old 04-06-2017, 12:08 PM
 
6,112 posts, read 3,909,747 times
Reputation: 2243
Call the Ghostbusters.
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Old 04-06-2017, 12:59 PM
 
Location: Kentucky Bluegrass
28,883 posts, read 30,181,434 times
Reputation: 19077
Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
Thank you from the bottom of my heart amen and thank you , I manage to marry the biggest mamas boy God ever put on this earth and I was so glad when the divorce became final and I borrowed tina turners quote when the judge asked me what I wanted ? Just my name back before I married this mamas boy . That judge got the biggest grin on his face . bang of the gavel and I was free . Life is too short .


I taught my boys to sew . cook , clean and everything including how to run the washing machine , dw and anything else they need to learn to take care of themselves . My sister once said I teach my boys because they might marry a lazy woman who does not want to do anything when they come home .
Good for you....so many mothers of sons do everything for them, so the son's marry to be taken care of. I will never ever be a mother to another man as long as I live. My husband, well, I'm not going to go into it. but his mother created a monster to live with, and I always held some animosity for her for doing so.

yupper, I did to....when he was done eating, he took his plate, glass and silverware over to the sink and rinsed them off, placing them in the dishwasher.
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Old 04-06-2017, 02:15 PM
 
1,429 posts, read 2,413,117 times
Reputation: 1975
Well.....stay busy with your life and invite him out for a visit? Locates his kids and ask him how there father is doing? Dementia? Broke?
Trust your gut. It sounds as though you were really not over him. If anything the sentimentality of it all is getting the best of you.
Let us know how it goes!
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Old 04-06-2017, 03:57 PM
 
Location: Redwood City, CA
15,246 posts, read 12,889,108 times
Reputation: 54028
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
Good for you....so many mothers of sons do everything for them, so the son's marry to be taken care of. I will never ever be a mother to another man as long as I live. My husband, well, I'm not going to go into it. but his mother created a monster to live with, and I always held some animosity for her for doing so.

yupper, I did to....when he was done eating, he took his plate, glass and silverware over to the sink and rinsed them off, placing them in the dishwasher.
DH told me this story a long time ago.

He said that his mother would ask, "A*, would you like some more orange juice?" He'd say, "Yes, please!" Then she'd tell him to get up and get it himself.
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Old 04-08-2017, 03:18 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
30,585 posts, read 25,041,229 times
Reputation: 50796
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
At the end of the day, we stay in bad relationships, or gravitate toward bad relationships, or allow bad relationships back into our lives because we are getting something out of them. Until we figure out what that is and how to replace that unbalanced need with a healthier desire, we won't stop the cycle.
Yes. So many times we have to ask ourselves what we are getting out of whatever dysfunctional relationship is currently driving us crazy.

OP needs to cut this train wreck of a guy off and get on with her life.
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Old 04-09-2017, 12:19 PM
 
Location: Southern California
12,703 posts, read 14,872,891 times
Reputation: 15234
I'm new coming into this thread & only read the first 2 pages. You spoke in good sense when you said he probably wants YOU to take care of him in his old age, which I agree, otherwise, he's definitely up to some kind of suspicious agenda since it's now 20 yrs later.

BUT, your common sense definitely failed you since you definitely should NOT have let your old age, loneliness, nostalgia when you were w/ him in the past, your weakness in telling people "no", or whatever your reason was to say YES to his facebook request or give him your #.

And to add to what another poster said, 63 yrs old isn't old in general, but it's too old for this kind of foolishness...too old for him to be doing this to anyone & too old for you to put up w/ it. You know what they sometimes say, "there's no fool like an OLD fool"!

Why would you want to be a puppet and him be the puppet master? Why are you giving HIM the power to give you this turmoil in your life?!

People will only get treated by others if they ALLOW or ENABLE others to treat them in that way. UNFRIEND him AND change your # NOW! I mean it, right NOW...this second! And you shouldn't want 1 penny from this a-hole because that's his controlling way of saying if she cashes tehse checks, I have the right to make her life hell.
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Old 04-10-2017, 01:11 PM
 
761 posts, read 601,933 times
Reputation: 1329
$100 ..that's it?

What a bum.
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Old 04-13-2017, 04:44 PM
 
Location: Australia
36 posts, read 24,271 times
Reputation: 99
Quote:
Originally Posted by Colorado Rambler View Post
Some background:

Once upon a time I was in my early 40's, putting myself back together 2 years out after leaving a marriage that had lasted for 20 years. I joined a couple of social groups just to get back out in the world again and at one of them I met a man I'll call "Glenn." People talk about love at first sight - for me it was love the first time I heard his voice. I hadn't even noticed him sitting leaned up in his chair behind me, but then someone called on him to ask him to speak and he began to talk with a wry, self-deprecating sense of humor that I found very intriguing. I turned around to look at him, and I was lost - just like that. Alas, I soon discovered that he was seeing another women, so I firmly put him out of my mind with a big mental "off limits" sign, and he vanished off to California. A year or so later he turned up back in town sans girlfriend and I was a lamb ready for the slaughter. We began dating and then we became engaged and he and his two younger children - a boy aged 14 and a girl of 12 - moved in with me. I was so happy - my new family! I loved those two kids, especially because I'd never been able to have children of my own. Glenn worked in the construction industry and made a good living with a paycheck that came in like clockwork at the end of each week. I had a job that I liked well enough, also. Everything seemed to be going well - not a single cloud could I detect on the horizon (in retrospect I should have). We were planning a December wedding with a honeymoon in Baja California.

Glenn's daughter was with us only on the weekends. During the week she lived with her Mom and her stepdad in a house on the other side of town. Pretty soon she started doing some pre-teen acting out - fell in with a bad crowd and her grades went down to failing. This all came to a head when she ran away from home and we finally found her 3 days later in a motel room in a sleazy part of town with a couple of boys in their late teens. The adults decided that she should be removed from public school and get some home schooling under strict supervision and no contact allowed with her little juvie delinquent friends. Glenn asked me if I would be willing to be the one to take the girl on and have her come live with us full time, so I could help her get up her grades and be as far away from the old gang as possible. "Quit your job; I'll take care of you," he told me. Oh man, famous last words.

Like a fool, I went along with this plan and put in my pink slip. Glenn's daughter and I got along very well and I had a much easier time with her than her Mom did - probably because I came along without any old baggage. Things settled down after that and once again, all seemed well with me as a stay at home step-mom and Glenn's comfortable weekly take home pay. Then one cold October night - it was halloween - Glenn came home with his paycheck in his pocket like always only this night, he walked through the door and said to me, "I'm sorry but I just can't do this anymore," turned on his heel and left - just like that. Didn't even give me a few bucks to buy some groceries for myself and his two kids. I was devastated. The kids had to go back to their real Mom and I was left alone in a cold, empty house, crying my eyes out. Damn near broke me, but somehow I managed to survive and ultimately walk out in the sun again after the worst event in my life bar none.

Fast forward 20 years. Glenn showed up out of nowhere, tracking me down on Facebook with repeated "friend" requests. I was pretty amazed to say the least. Why try to reconnect this late in the game after so many years and so many tears? The man had long ago lost the power to hurt me. I had mentally dragged him to the cross roads and drove a silver stake through his heart 20 years ago. As a part of my healing process, I'd also come to accept that emotionally, he really "couldn't do this anymore" for any number of reasons that should have spelled "danger" to me right from the start - everything from too much heavy drinking to very traumatic childhood that had left him with permanent psychological scars. By the time he'd showed up in my life, I should have been smart enough to detect these things as serious deal breakers - things that shouldn't have been brushed aside merely for the sake of a sweet smile or a dry sense of humor - a few eloquent words. It seemed like every time I checked it on FB, there was yet one more of his friend requests and I finally OKed one, about in the same manner you'd swat aside a pesky fly. Glenn has certainly been determined and after about his 100th request for my cell number, I once again wearily gave in. Now he tries to call me all the time and I mostly ignore him.

I don't know what on earth he's really up to. He keeps saying he "still loves me" and feels like I'm his "wife." Say WHAT? I don't think so. And at 63, isn't he getting a little too old for these games? I know that I am. What I don't know is why I've let him come back into my life at all - even for a few phone calls and a couple of PM's on Facebook. Maybe that old, deep wound hasn't completely healed the way I thought it had. Maybe I want him to give me some sort of explanation of his own and help me understand why he did what he did. But why should I care after all these years? It makes no difference now. He is living 400 miles away from me and claims he wants to come to see me and help me out with my finances and everything else. Oh, please. He has already "taken care of me." Anymore of his so-called help would probably do me in at my age.

I should just change my cell number and block him out of FB, but for whatever reason I don't. This "haunting" is beginning to get to me and I'm feeling like he's some sort of onslaught of early dementia or something. I guess I need some insight from others who don't bring so much emotional baggage to all this. Frankly, I think the man is hoping that I'll take care of HIM in his old age and is trying to claim the benefits of a 20 year marriage. Sorry old man, you must be present to win and you most certainly were not present. Today he sent me a check for $100.00 in the mail. His handwriting is still the same and the sight of it put me back to the old days for a moment and then I just had to shake my head. I guess my vampire has turned into a zombie. Someone give me some zombie-killing advise - please!

Thanks to anyone who might be patient enough to read through this long old post from an old lady and offer me a little insight into all this!
Hey'up CR,

Your story is not unusual in this world, there are literally thousands of similar stories out there where people come back together after a certain number of years apart, for whatever reasons on both counts.

I find your first sentence intriguing, in that you didn't mention any reasons for you leaving your first marriage. I'm sure there are valid reasons, but could both stories be linked by comparison?....don't know, but can be food for thought.

After reading your story, I'd like to bring up a few realistic points that jumped out at me, if I may,

1) "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"

I'm sure many of us males have been on receiving end of a woman's wrath when she's angry at one time or other however, I sense anger, hurt and the need for an explanation, but no mention of hate or revenge.

2) You and others have mentioned you think he just wants you to look after him, and yet, he sent you a cheque for $100,00 dollars US, sounds like he doesn't have any money problems, and seems like he's trying to make up for his past mistakes.

Out of all the females in his area, state etc, he could probably pick any number of women just to look after him if that's what he's after, but he didn't.

3) Out of all the females in the USA (big country) he chose to try and find you again, and he did, there's obviously a reason, or reasons for trying to find only you.

4) While it would be a bit of a shock for any male, or female to have someone come back into their lives after so many years, you eventually chose to befriend him on FB, and give him your phone number......could it be you too still have feelings for him underneath the anger?

5) You mentioned you might be looking for an explanation from him, quite normal for a female as their natural curiosity makes them want to know "WHY" in most circumstances; it does drive us men crackers sometimes,.

6) I sense, based on your story you haven't asked him for an explanation yet, the question is "why not" could it be you're scared of what the explanation will be about, and reveal?

CR, this man has come back into your life twice, sometimes fate and destiny work that way, we can't really explain why life works that way, but it does, and does so for reasons.

Sometimes some people need to learn a few lifes lessons, or get rid of some baggage, which is why they tend to go their separate ways for a while, only to come back together at some stage later in life; it could be both people, or just one person.

This man has come back into your life again, your paths have crossed for the second time for a reason, and it looks like for emotional reasons.

Some people never stop loving someone, even if they're apart or can't actually live together. Some people have love that lays dormant, then something happens in their lives and suddenly their love for a past person shoots up out of the ground and blossoms again, it happens, and happens to so many people.

This man wants back into your life, there's obvious reasons why, however, the situation puts you in the driving seat, not the dominant or dictator seat, but the driving seat, you have the opportunity to take the lead role at this moment in time, and control the situation.

May I suggest you ask him about the reasons why he left the way he did, after the explanation you can then reassess everything, from him to your own feelings, then ask further questions like, why, out of all the women in his area did he come looking for you, so on and so on.

Don't ram it down his throat, be subtle about it and ask out of curiosity, rather than anger.

Hope it helps CR,

Best of British goes with you.

Regards
David Swain.

Last edited by DavidSwain; 04-13-2017 at 05:00 PM..
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