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Old 04-13-2017, 07:03 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LowonLuck View Post
So I guess the better question is how does one be more compromising? Like how do you sit through a Star Trek movie when you hate and can't comprehend what is even happing in this movie about another world?
Quote:
Originally Posted by LowonLuck View Post
I was told not affection enough, too needy, too affectionate, bossy, uncompromising and one way...

I polled some exes this morning. ��
How did you poll them?

Honestly, I think this is a time when the Golden Rule would apply nicely: Treat other people as you would want to be treated.

You didn't become separated from your partner via cell mitosis; you aren't the same person. One of the great benefits of being in a relationship with someone is that you are exposed to THEIR interests, which sometimes are going to be different from your own.

So sometimes you do things that may not initially seem fun because you (supposedly) love that person.

Otherwise, if you expect them to "do your bidding" all the time and like ONLY the things you like, etc, you're just a dictator with a subject instead of an adult in a caring RECIPROCAL relationship.

That's why they say relationships have to have "give AND take." You can't always take.
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Old 04-13-2017, 07:03 AM
 
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark
10,931 posts, read 11,691,276 times
Reputation: 13170
At the very least, you clearly need to reduce the time between bad endings.
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Old 04-13-2017, 07:03 AM
 
Location: 🇬🇧 In jolly old London! 🇬🇧
15,675 posts, read 11,489,133 times
Reputation: 12549
Quote:
Originally Posted by LowonLuck View Post
I was told not affection enough, too needy, too affectionate, bossy, uncompromising and one way...

I polled some exes this morning. ��
Well that proves my first part of my first post! LOL... Different people = Different requirements/expectations with traits

( talking in general terms and the law of averages after reading the above ) that sounds like you're putting your needs first before your SOs or a lack of communication on boundaries perhaps?
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Old 04-13-2017, 07:16 AM
 
8,170 posts, read 6,018,431 times
Reputation: 5963
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
How did you poll them?

Honestly, I think this is a time when the Golden Rule would apply nicely: Treat other people as you would want to be treated.

You didn't become separated from your partner via cell mitosis; you aren't the same person. One of the great benefits of being in a relationship with someone is that you are exposed to THEIR interests, which sometimes are going to be different from your own.

So sometimes you do things that may not initially seem fun because you (supposedly) love that person.

Otherwise, if you expect them to "do your bidding" all the time and like ONLY the things you like, etc, you're just a dictator with a subject instead of an adult in a caring RECIPROCAL relationship.

That's why they say relationships have to have "give AND take." You can't always take.
I sent them a text with a few questions.

I feel like I do compromise. I recently went ice skating. I hate anything related to being frozen and cold. It turned out ok and only took my foot blisters a week to heal...lol

I have no problems sitting and watching a movie I might not like but I got yelled at for playing a game on my phone. Then falling asleep because I was no engaged.

It is not like I refuse to do things.
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Old 04-13-2017, 07:16 AM
 
Location: Watervliet, NY
6,915 posts, read 3,922,688 times
Reputation: 12876
Quote:
Originally Posted by LowonLuck View Post
I try to just choose to be always happy. So if I am in a relationship with a man that is always around, and we go and do fun things... I am happy.

Sounds great? Right up until they say that they are not happy with me as a person and can't see spending their lives with me. So I do not bring joy to other people.

Is it a case of I won't bring joy to anyone or do men have some crazy expectations of changing me when they meet me, then getting discouraged when I don't cooperate? Is it a myth that someone is out there for everyone?

Is it possible that someone that actively seeks a relationship will never find one?

I polled some exes this morning and the consensus is that I am uncompromising and one way. What type of guy is good with this trait?
When you say "actively seeking a relationship" are you pressuring these guys for a commitment, or trying to push the relationship forward past any boundaries they are setting for themselves? For example, are you pushing for exclusivity when they haven't brought up the subject yet?

ETA: Reading farther into the thread, I got my answer:

Quote:
I was told not affection enough, too needy, too affectionate, bossy,
Guys like to be the ones doing the pursuing, and some women tend to try to inject a masculine energy into the relationship by leaning forward, and all that does is chase the guys away. The exes you polled named traits that are not ones that works well in a relationship. People who need to have everything go their way are better off staying alone.

You need to learn how to lean back in your relationships.

http://artoflovingaman.com/blog/2016/1/6/standing-still

Quote:
Women have been taught to be masculine and fix problems and manage and control things in relationships. We have lost the art of allowing. To just allow things to be, is so foreign it feels unnatural to us. Yet, as a woman it is the most natural thing we can do. It is a mans job to cherish your feelings, help fix relationship problems, and direct his energy toward you.

Leaning back (aka standing still) means:
You give up control of your man's behavior - what he is doing or saying
You give up control of the situation and it's outcome
You do not try to fix anything; you state your feelings and let it be
You give your man psychological space
You give your man physical space
You create space between you and your man so he can know how he feels and can feel the desire to move toward you and cherish you
You focus on yourself and do something that makes you feel good
You do not whine, pressure or complain
You do not initiate texts, calls or affection
You do not force him to talk about what he is feeling
You do not stay stuck in your head and obsess and grow your fear based story
You take emotional ownership and feel your feelings, working through them on your own
If you are just dating, you do not think about the future (creating an instant relationship in your head). You just enjoy each moment with him
Most importantly, you keep your heart open and you stay receptive and inviting to him when he does move toward you.


Last edited by ContraPagan; 04-13-2017 at 07:27 AM..
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Old 04-13-2017, 07:23 AM
 
8,170 posts, read 6,018,431 times
Reputation: 5963
Quote:
Originally Posted by Frihed89 View Post
At the very least, you clearly need to reduce the time between bad endings.
Working on a year... but really do want to find a husband. So far I missed all the little goals that I previously established... marriage before...

1. Pregnancy
2. Before 30
3. Before second kid
4. Before hair went grey
5. Before forever house was bought
6. Before I had a teenager
7. And before 40 time wise won't be working out either...
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Old 04-13-2017, 07:28 AM
 
8,170 posts, read 6,018,431 times
Reputation: 5963
Quote:
Originally Posted by ContraPagan View Post
When you say "actively seeking a relationship" are you pressuring these guys for a commitment, or trying to push the relationship forward past any boundaries they are setting for themselves? For example, are you pushing for exclusivity when they haven't brought up the subject yet?

Guys like to be the ones doing the pursuing, and some women tend to try to inject a masculine energy into the relationship by leaning forward, and all that does is chase the guys away. The exes you polled say you are "uncompromising" ... well, that's not a trait that works well in a relationship. People who need to have everything go their way are better off staying alone.
I gave two 7 years to commit. One is still single. One married a girl he met 3 months after he left me. He left me in 2014.

I am very patient in that regard. I did dump one that flat out told me he could not see marriage with me. As marriage is what I do seek, I requested we stop dating. We are amicable today. He was one that I polled.

Another gave a year and he picked fights, I guess hoping I would break up, until he ultimately admitted he was not into me.

I see no point continuing to date once our goals do not align.

Men love the idea of me but then want to change and mold me to fit their requirements.

I am old fashioned and always let the man ask me out.
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Old 04-13-2017, 07:30 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by LowonLuck View Post
I sent them a text with a few questions.

I feel like I do compromise. I recently went ice skating. I hate anything related to being frozen and cold. It turned out ok and only took my foot blisters a week to heal...lol

I have no problems sitting and watching a movie I might not like but I got yelled at for playing a game on my phone. Then falling asleep because I was no engaged.

It is not like I refuse to do things.
I'm going to offer one observation and then bow out of this thread.

The way you replied to this post is a good indicator of how you struggle with relationships.

Based on how you describe yourself here, in this subforum and others, it sounds like you have a very hard time understanding HOW your actions affect others.

It doesn't mean you're a bad person or a selfish person, because I know you do a lot for your family, etc. But you immediately said, "It's not like I refuse to do things ..." when presented with real suggestions, which indicates that you have a very firmly established view of yourself that you really are not willing to change.

Here you fended off real advice by trying to remind us that "you do things" so you don't have to consider that you might have to do a few MORE things in order to have a healthy relationship.
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Old 04-13-2017, 07:38 AM
 
8,170 posts, read 6,018,431 times
Reputation: 5963
Quote:
Originally Posted by ContraPagan View Post
When you say "actively seeking a relationship" are you pressuring these guys for a commitment, or trying to push the relationship forward past any boundaries they are setting for themselves? For example, are you pushing for exclusivity when they haven't brought up the subject yet?

ETA: Reading farther into the thread, I got my answer:

Guys like to be the ones doing the pursuing, and some women tend to try to inject a masculine energy into the relationship by leaning forward, and all that does is chase the guys away. The exes you polled named traits that are not ones that works well in a relationship. People who need to have everything go their way are better off staying alone.

You need to learn how to lean back in your relationships.

Leaning Back and Standing Still Will Allow Your Man to Come to You
Ahh... yes so am very much in control. I have been on my own since I was 16. I had to make things happen for me because I never found people to do that for me.

The problem with being alone is I am social and like to do things and be with others. I love having a boyfriend to share my life with. I get very lonely and almost sad being alone all the time. Being with the kids is different than adult companions.
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Old 04-13-2017, 07:39 AM
 
Location: 🇬🇧 In jolly old London! 🇬🇧
15,675 posts, read 11,489,133 times
Reputation: 12549
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
How did you poll them?

Honestly, I think this is a time when the Golden Rule would apply nicely: Treat other people as you would want to be treated.

You didn't become separated from your partner via cell mitosis; you aren't the same person. One of the great benefits of being in a relationship with someone is that you are exposed to THEIR interests, which sometimes are going to be different from your own.

So sometimes you do things that may not initially seem fun because you (supposedly) love that person.

Otherwise, if you expect them to "do your bidding" all the time and like ONLY the things you like, etc, you're just a dictator with a subject instead of an adult in a caring RECIPROCAL relationship.

That's why they say relationships have to have "give AND take." You can't always take.
She turned up in the middle of the night, out of the blue and got them out of bed! Something like this with each one! ...

Her: " What's wrong with me? "

Him: " Eh? "

Her: " Look! I said what's wrong with me?! "

Him: " What do you mean? Can't we do this another time? "

Her: No now! As I'm here! "

Him: Well you've just woke me up not even a hug/kiss hello , shouted at me, demanding answers/assurance and wont let me go back to bed! So you're clearly not affectionate, bossy, needy and uncompromising! "

😂😂😂😂😂!
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