Who am I kidding---being dateless for so long does bother me (dating, wife)

[breakingfree]

I just realized that I have not been on a single date in at least four years. The thought of that depresses me. And the dates I've been on in the past have been with freaks, weirdos and creeps.

I don't know what's wrong with me (jokesters, no comments please) that only creeps, thugs and weirdos find me attractive. I'm sick of being approached by inarticulate thugs who refer to me as "shorty" and "baby." The most recent incident was on a bus ride home. The bus nearly emptied out at a train station, and this large (300 lbs at least), portly guy in dingy clothes and a horrible lisp sits next to me and literally squishes me against the window. All these free seats on the bus and he had to sit next to me. And this man was old enough to be my dad.

"Gurl, yoo so purty," he says in his gross voice.
Though I told him "I'm not interested" he wouldn't take no for an answer, and it got to the point when I told him how gross and repulsive he was. He still didn't take a hint.

"Gurl, lemme give yoo my numba," he says.
"I don't want your number!" I snap back.

He finally gets off the bus but not without a final "gurl, yoos so booty-ful." Yuck, he was gross.

It depresses me that only guys like this are attracted to me. I have a college degree, a job, my own apartment and I'm involved in martial arts---I have those things going for me. I wish these bums would take a hint and realize I have goals and dreams. Why don't nice, intelligent and attractive guys talk to me? I'm sick of people telling me "you're so attractive it intimidates men"---if that's the case it'd intimidate the creeps from talking to me as well! I'm also tired of the "You have an unapproachable air about you." (See my previous response.)

I really don't want to have to use online personals. I would, for once, like to know what it feels like to meet a guy the natural way (by happenstance). No, I am not looking for marriage or settling down (I don't think I ever want to get married), but I'm just frustrated and don't know what to do.

Is it too much to ask to go on one simple, iota of a date with a nice guy?!

[Lior Arel]

I feel you. Trolls (as we call them) are like that; it's not you personally so don't take it as such. They hit on all of us (they seem to think it's a numbers game).

Also -- as for the internet dating thing: I was with you on that one once, but someone said to me:

Looking for love without going online or to singles functions, etc. is like going to the library and skipping the card catalog thinking that the best books are found by accident

There are some great active singles groups in the DC area, you should check them out. They do things like hiking, dinners, etc. It doesn't feel like you're trawlin' for men, but it increases your chances

[breakingfree]

There are some great active singles groups in the DC area, you should check them out.

I really need to get involved. I signed up with many groups on Meetup.com but maybe only attended one function. My martial arts class is fun and I've met a lot of great female friends, but the guys there are either 1) teenagers 2) older men 3) married and/or with girlfriends 4) take martial arts way beyond seriously (having a military approach towards it) or 5) my instructors.

I should definitely squeeze in some time to attend a Meetup event.

[sue64]

I left my ex of 12yrs and the state almost 3yrs ago and boy have I met a bunch of looser, freaks, bums, etc. since then. They seem nice at first, but then look out. I would get into a bunch of different meetup groups, maybe someone has a cousin or friend for you. My sister met her boyfriend of 8yrs now on a online dating service, she lucked out with him, maybe you should try that.

[Lior Arel]

1) teenagers 2) older men 3) married and/or with girlfriends 4) take martial arts way beyond seriously (having a military approach towards it) or 5) my instructors.

No gay ones? I don't think I'll join

Seriously -- I met my last boyfriend at a karaoke event (cheesy I know). The boyfriend before that I met at a military civillian mixer kind of thing (hard to explain). I did meet two guys I've dated online. Both were sweet hearts and I enjoyed our time together. However, it was a chatroom that I met them in, not a dating site.

BTW -- everyone also says I'm so attractive that I intimidate guys (even the guys I've dated after I asked them out

[HighlandsGal]

I felt the same way about online dating -- thought I would never do it. But I was single for a few years and, like you, dated nothing but losers and weirdos in between. So, one wine infused night my sister signed me up and created a profile for me (which I later adjusted more to my liking) and bam! The first (and only) man I met was great and we hit it off. Two years later.....here we are -- living together and loving every minute of it!

Seriously, times have changed and the older you get, the harder it is to meet someone the "traditional" way. I say give online dating a chance!

[Huckleberry3911948]

i understand i feel the same way
mark twain said the good thing about a cat jumping up on a hot stove
is he will never do it again, the bad thing is he will never jump up on
a cold one either.

[Jefetio]

Originally Posted by breakingfree

I'm also tired of the "You have an unapproachable air about you." (See my previous response.)

You may be tired of hearing it, but if everyone's telling you that it's probably true!

Relax, be a little more friendly with people, look them in the eyes and smile, etc. The players and losers will hit on anyone but the nice guys usually will only approach friendly women

I don't know you so my advice might not apply, I don't want to give you the wrong idea. Just know that a lot of us guys are in the same boat. We just want to meet a nice, normal girl

[cpg35223]

Well, do you have an avocation besides martial arts? I always found that those were where one met like-minded people. Not knowing a thing about you, but maybe try to break out of your comfort zone and try something completely new and different.

And, just out of curiosity, what do you mean by 'unapproachable'? Do you mean that you're critical of others? Are you cool and aloof? Are you the dating equivalent of a sea urchin, all sharp edges and prickles? Not that guys don't like a challenge, not that guys don't like a woman with spirit, but guys do like a woman who is as much interested in them as they are in her.

I remember dating a cool, aloof woman. It was exhausting, as if I was having to do all the work in the relationship, and trying to meet some impossible standard of perfection--almost as if I were trying to bowl with a curtain hiding the pins. Another woman took umbrage at even the most innocent remarks, asking "So what do you mean by that?" So every date was the equivalent of picking my way through a minefield and shinnying through barbed wire. So I broke off both relationships, and both women were surprised. The cool, aloof one actually said, "But things were going so well between us." So examine how you're interacting with these guys. You may not be sending the right signals. That doesn't mean you have to compromise your individuality. What it does mean is that maybe you need to be self-aware enough to understand what you say and how your body language might be telling every guy, "Go the hell away."

By the way, if you're dating the same kind of people over and over and over again, try doing this: Sit down and think about all your old boyfriends, and think about what they all shared in common. now, make it your mission in life to date against that type. In other words, go out with somebody who doesn't fit the mold.

That's how I met my wife. I had dated all these sensitive, Sylvia Plath wannabes who all wore black and wanted to talk about German Expressionist cinema. The problem was, I was continuously propping them up through one existential crisis after another. Finally, I decided to date completely against type. I met my wife and we're completely, utterly happy together 17 years later.

[breakingfree]

Well, do you have an avocation besides martial arts? I always found that those were where one met like-minded people. Not knowing a thing about you, but maybe try to break out of your comfort zone and try something completely new and different.

Yes, that's why I mentioned upthread getting into those Meetup groups I signed up for---I signed up for a game group, foreign language group, writing group, etc. I just need to get my butt to one of those groups one day. And no, just because I'm taking martial arts doesn't mean it's the only thing I talk about. When my female classmates and I get together, many times we talk more about anything but.

And, just out of curiosity, what do you mean by 'unapproachable'?

I went from being the kid always being made fun of and picked on, to the woman who all these men want to "holla" at so my guard is up. (I don't know what it is about me that makes all these thuggish men---the same types that made fun of me as a kid---want to talk to me now.) It is not easy being a single female in DC. I don't feel comfortable dealing with random strangers on the street when I'm going from point A to point B, but once I've arrived at point B I'm fine. But my "unapproachable" vibe is working in the wrong way!

By the way, if you're dating the same kind of people over and over and over again, try doing this: Sit down and think about all your old boyfriends, and think about what they all shared in common. now, make it your mission in life to date against that type. In other words, go out with somebody who doesn't fit the mold.

To tell you the truth, I don't have a "type." I mean, I think John Taylor from Duran Duran was very cute when he was younger (less so now because he's old enough to be my dad), but none of the guys I dated were like that. One was a skinny nerd who told me he used to fantasize about sex with dogs (he was a date I was set up with), another was a thuggish guy who wouldn't take "no" for an answer, and the other was an Indian guy who came off as nice on the phone but a sex-starved creep in person. (And I almost dated a guy who was Urkel's punk rock doppleganger---at least I put my foot down then.) I dated those guys because at the time I felt sorry for myself and felt I couldn't do better. Now, I know I can do better, but maybe I went from dating anyone to waiting for "Mr. Perfect"? I don't know.

I do know that I should take advantage of those Meetup groups I'm in, and also, maybe, just maybe I'll give online dating a try.