Would you settle if your options dried up (girlfriends, married, man)
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But most women my age are looking for a serious long-term relationship...
Dunno what age that is...
But however many women (or men) will say that they are looking for a serious long-term relationship
the number who will actually live that truth (of whatever age range) is a lot smaller.
Why varies ... and however much that is based in those the rampant unrealistic expectations
a preference for those other aspects of their life --as they currently are--- might play a bigger part in it.
A sort of bias for a "better the devil I know" approach rather than taking the risks needed.
Rampant unrealistic expectations aside...
it seems that few active OLD users are looking for more than dating.
Serial dating? You betcha.
Some maybe rising to serial shallow monogamy? Sure; a fair bit.
Really looking to settle in with a singular someone for the duration? Not so much.
The more that anyone has going on in their lives otherwise...
the less inclined they seem to be to look for expect more than some sort of seasonal arrangement.
eg: Summers coming up! Time to find someone good for beach weekends and road trips.
eg: Falls coming up! Time to find someone good for the parties and TG dinner at Mom's.
Is it really so few? Region/area play a role in dating culture/dynamics as well. It seems to be a popular medium in the circles I've run in, especially military. A lot of my friends met their husbands on a dating site. I'm sure there are many others who take a less serious approach, but there are still people interested in something more serious.
My husband's longest relationships started online, and three of my relationships were the result of meeting on OKC. I dated some others, but it was less serious. I met my first husband on AOL, and while it isn't quite the same, it was used by many to find people and date back then. It's also how I crossed paths with my high school boyfriend and other men I went out with.
Like Stepka, there were many one-and-done dates, and I know my husband had some before finding better matches.
I also think people's backgrounds/history/intent is a pretty big factor in this. Since the men I almost exclusively dated were in their late 30s to early 40s, most were previously married for 10+ years, many with children. When they started dating again it was more casual, as is often the case, and once they were finished exploring, having fun, readjusting to dating life, discovering what they want, etc., then they took interest in something more serious.
That's often the case for many coming out of long term relationships and marriages. Most probably aren't looking to settle after coming out of a 10+ year marriage.
Is it really so few? Region/area play a role in dating culture/dynamics as well. It seems to be a popular medium in the circles I've run in, especially military. A lot of my friends met their husbands on a dating site. I'm sure there are many others who take a less serious approach, but there are still people interested in something more serious.
My husband's longest relationships started online, and three of my relationships were the result of meeting on OKC. I dated some others, but it was less serious. I met my first husband on AOL, and while it isn't quite the same, it was used by many to find people and date back then. It's also how I crossed paths with my high school boyfriend and other men I went out with.
Like Stepka, there were many one-and-done dates, and I know my husband had some before finding better matches.
I also think people's backgrounds/history/intent is a pretty big factor in this. Since the men I almost exclusively dated were in their late 30s to early 40s, most were previously married for 10+ years, many with children. When they started dating again it was more casual, as is often the case, and once they were finished exploring, having fun, readjusting to dating life, discovering what they want, etc., then they took interest in something more serious.
That's often the case for many coming out of long term relationships and marriages. Most probably aren't looking to settle after coming out of a 10+ year marriage.
The bold section is where I struggled with dating and ultimately just accepted the difficulty. I'm an African American male who's mother was married and divorced 3 times, family had little money to go around, my Dad went to the penitentiary, and a child who's father abandoned him. Where I found the issue for myself is that I always wanted that Father/Son relationship, so I tended to try and date women who's parents were still married and relatively happy. The problem I kept running into is that women would look at my family dynamic and not be super interested. There's just something to be said about someone who grows up with a loving family compared to someone who grows up with a family that's broken. We all have family drama, but mine I just couldn't really shake.
Secondly, for my family dynamic, I was set on a path to be a statistic. Either be divorced a time or two (nothing wrong with divorce) and have a couple of children that I'm not taking care of. Somehow I ended up dodging both of those scenarios, and trust me, I was bone-headed in my 20's. What started to make dating hard for me, is the women that I should be attracted to, that had similar family dynamics as mine, they didn't dodge the bullets of marriage and children. So I found myself often attracting women that grew up a lot like myself; however, they went down a path that I was luckily able to avoid. I've just never been that stoked to help raise another man's children who's not involved, but could easily be involved (ie he's not deceased). I'm not talking bad about men and women who have children and their father's aren't involved, I just know it's not really my cup of tea. I believe this is from my Dad abandoning me and then my Mom remarrying and he wasn't a good step-parent at all.
I have always attracted women who had Daddy issues. It's funny how we attract a lot of what we experienced as a child.
I can't, either. Well, now. But tell that to my 18-year-old self.
i kind of felt the same way about my first girlfriend, at least after the first date. I was thrilled to finally start seeing someone (or "going out", as people still said back then in 2001), but I was disappointed in every other way. Namely, her looks not being what I'm attracted to, and her being far less interested in exploring the city than I was. Why did I keep seeing her? I didn't feel like I had any other choices. Why did she keep seeing me for as long as she did? Hard to say; I had virtually no insight into how women think.
Why didn't you break up with her once you knew you didn't like her?
I have wasted my good years with men that ultimately decided I was not what they wanted for marriage. I kept holding on waiting for them to propose and the whole time, they knew they were hanging until they found something better. I wish they hadn't and just left when they knew I would never be their wife.
The bold section is where I struggled with dating and ultimately just accepted the difficulty. I'm an African American male who's mother was married and divorced 3 times, family had little money to go around, my Dad went to the penitentiary, and a child who's father abandoned him. Where I found the issue for myself is that I always wanted that Father/Son relationship, so I tended to try and date women who's parents were still married and relatively happy. The problem I kept running into is that women would look at my family dynamic and not be super interested. There's just something to be said about someone who grows up with a loving family compared to someone who grows up with a family that's broken. We all have family drama, but mine I just couldn't really shake.
Secondly, for my family dynamic, I was set on a path to be a statistic. Either be divorced a time or two (nothing wrong with divorce) and have a couple of children that I'm not taking care of. Somehow I ended up dodging both of those scenarios, and trust me, I was bone-headed in my 20's. What started to make dating hard for me, is the women that I should be attracted to, that had similar family dynamics as mine, they didn't dodge the bullets of marriage and children. So I found myself often attracting women that grew up a lot like myself; however, they went down a path that I was luckily able to avoid. I've just never been that stoked to help raise another man's children who's not involved, but could easily be involved (ie he's not deceased). I'm not talking bad about men and women who have children and their father's aren't involved, I just know it's not really my cup of tea. I believe this is from my Dad abandoning me and then my Mom remarrying and he wasn't a good step-parent at all.
I have always attracted women who had Daddy issues. It's funny how we attract a lot of what we experienced as a child.
It makes sense that your background/upbringing colors your perceptions and dating/relationship dynamics. To want the opposite of what you experienced. Not all two parent households are necessarily healthy or happy.
There were times I envied my cousins' two parent household and wondered what it would have been like if my parents hadn't divorced (it was for the best. they weren't compatible, but I realized that as I got older.) In reality, those seemingly happy marriages weren't always happy. Affairs, dads who weren't home a lot or involved in their kids' day-to-day life, etc. The older cousin whose parents have been married for 36 years (high school sweethearts) is twice divorced, previously married to two "men of faith," one an abusive preacher's son, and the other who abandoned her and their son. Both children born outside of marriage. (this isn't an issue to me, but *is* a value judgment for many, and goes against how she and her brother were raised, who has a daughter with a longtime girlfriend)
But of course, her parents' marriage looks good on paper and outside appearances. She's long said she has "daddy issues," and yet, she and her brother grew up in a two parent household.
And it isn't just them, either. Based on observations, the cousins who had better relationship experiences came from "broken" families, but there are other factors as well. Those also happen to be the cousins who aren't very religious and/or went off to college, etc. Like you, they learned from their background/upbringing -- what not to do, sort of thing.
My husband was raised with both parents, but his father wasn't around much due to business trips. His father was/is an alcoholic, which definitely contributed to family dynamics growing up. But hey, at least his parents have been married for 41 years. He didn't have a terrible upbringing, but it also wasn't some idyllic loving two parent household. He wasn't very close with his father.
I was super close with my father growing up. He was loving, doting, cool, wise with his yoda-esque talks, fun, well-spoken, "tough" (he was a Marine, so he seemed tough in that cool sort of way), inspired my love for cinema and music (along with my mother), protective (not overbearing), etc. Our dynamic changed when I came out as an atheist. That's when it became awkward. But before that, we were pretty tight. As cliche as it sounds, I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for those experiences, what I was introduced/exposed to, along with my background with my mother.
In the beginning, I seemed to like and attract men who exhibited similar outward characteristics, but I eventually realized I preferred men with compatible/similar personalities. My first husband was a Marine, but the quiet, shy, very introverted, nerdy/geeky kind. Not the macho, hyper-masculine, ooh-rah grunts or ground Marines. There were traits and characteristics I valued because it's what I experienced growing up. My parents were very affectionate, loving, caring, involved, etc. The other traits that I came to prefer had a lot to do with better understanding my personality, love language, communication style, and other criteria important to me.
Why didn't you break up with her once you knew you didn't like her?
Short answer: scarcity mentality and lack of dating experience.
Long answer: She actually broke up with me two to three months after our first date. I was upset at having lost a relationship, but looking back, my life hadn't changed much post-breakup. Things I hoped to do with my girlfriend, like going on carnival rides or exploring quirky gentrifying neighborhoods, I never got to do. She wasn't into any of them. I stayed with her anyway, because she was the first girl who liked me, and desperation took over. Well, at least I had a date for a big event and got my first kiss.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 05-04-2017 at 10:45 AM..
"Settling" is a loaded term. Some people have wildly unrealistic requirements to begin with. Gosh, if a dark-haired guy fit all my requirements except he wasn't blonde would I "settle" for him if I was at the end of my rope? I'd be certifiably crazy if I didn't and no one would feel bad for me.
What if I settled for an ex-felon abuser who was unemployed? Yeah, not the same at all.
Now, what if I really liked to travel abroad but he wouldn't leave the country? Well, I could say no, or if everything else was good I could say "no" to travelling to Europe and stick closer to home, or I could travel solo there, or I could go to Europe with friends. Am I settling or am I being realistic and flexible?
For some it's just an automatic prideful reflex "I'll never settle!" - those are the ones who end up alone...and unhappy.
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