Asexuality and Relationships (date, marriages, women, love)

[AsymptoticFaery]

Would you ever date or get involved with an asexual individual? How would you feel if you found out that your partner is asexual?

It's not always easy to tell because the asexual person might often not know themselves and/or the partner might have other assumptions as to why they have a partner who doesn't really initiate or enjoy sex as much.

An asexual person is said to have either very low or no sexual desire towards another person and for a true asexual, this has always been the case growing up. They often report that during adolescence, they just didn't have the same interest in pursuing relationships and exploring sexuality as their peers did. As a result, they often felt alone, misunderstood or confused about themselves and as they got older, they saw that their mindset and feelings didn't change (becoming more sexual).

Asexuals are able to have romantic feelings and might like to kiss, hug and touch and explore other forms of intimacy with a partner (while some don't at ALL), but they don't have desires for intercourse or explicit expressions of sexuality. They are usually indifferent towards intercourse and find that the act itself feels unnatural to them.

Because asexuals can still find others attractive and have romantic feelings, they can be straight, gay or bi, but they can be just fine and happy with a life excluding sex or involving having sex infrequently.

I am also speaking of people who are truly asexual...in that they aren't those who might -appear- to be asexual because they've been abused, have medical issues, are very religious and practicing complete abstinence, have a fear of sex or suffer from poor body image. People like this still have a sex drive, it just can't be acted upon due to a number of reasons.

I don't know if this is OK, but I'd like to link the site for asexuality, so that there can be more explanation about what it means and implies for the discussion. The media section might be a good place to gain some information because the taped recording captured on YouTube involve direct questioning and explanations:

LINK

[Huckleberry3911948]

depends on whether or not you put any value on purity. strange, your thread seems to perceive them as
contempuous creatures? the bible & the classics, perceive them as worthy of sainthood.

[AsymptoticFaery]

Originally Posted by Bunky39

depends on whether or not you put any value on purity. strange, your thread seems to perceive them as
contempuous creatures? the bible & the classics, perceive them as worthy of sainthood.

There's no religious or negative slant at all to my initial post. It's just informative, based on what I know about asexuality...because by asking the questions I am asking, I know it's important for some to get a good idea of what asexuality means or is before attempting to answer the questions.

I actually would like to not have religion come into this topic because, as I understand it, asexuality is not about choice or trying to remain "pure" for many who are asexual. It's just about a lack of interest.

People who -chose- to be celibate or abstain for whatever reason, often still have average sex drives.

Asexuals can choose too because some asexuals will have sex in relationships with partners that are more sexual in order to please -them- and compromise, but it's more a matter of, again, just not having a true interest/desire in exploring sex. So they can't help but to be asexual by nature and there's no choice when it comes to that.

[JustT&Me]

Originally Posted by Bunky39

depends on whether or not you put any value on purity. strange, your thread seems to perceive them as
contempuous creatures? the bible & the classics, perceive them as worthy of sainthood.

Interesting thread... I was thinking more in terms of compatibility. If someone really has a strong desire for something shared mutually, then IMO it would be better for them not to make such a commitment with someone who does not.

I'm including Bunky's quote, but I'm referring to Asympto's also... bc the combination of the two posts (so far!) don't mention the element/value of commitment. Many ppl "get involved" these days - whether sexually or not - even emotionally (e.g., chat rooms). IMO this can be a truly harmful practice IMO bc either or both of those parties can become "involved" in ways that can leave them broken hearted, financially broke, breakup their real marriages/relationships, families, etc. However, there are many ppl who meet this way these days, and I think it's a great avenue and much safer than some ways ppl attempt to meet ppl.

I believe that if a person's main priorities in seeking a relationship are sexual, then what expectations might they have in a relationship? What if their mate ended up disabled, or otherwise physically incapable even if temporarily? Would they leave? IMO that would not be ... kind, respectful, loving, ... it would not be a lot of things.

I prefer not to make assumptions for other's thinking. I can only guess how something seems and let the other party reply for themselves.

I agree with Bunky re: purity, and if you agree with the Bible or other faiths that promote celibacy, then asexuality is a non-issue. There are simply greater things in life than active sexual expression... but that doesn't mean someone who enjoys sexual expression is of any less character. The Bible also demonstrates very well the joys of physically intimate love.

I would recommend that before "getting involved" with someone (physically), that you spend a lot of time with someone simply communicating your values, interests, wants, & needs. Ask that person who is the "object of your affection" what they think beforehand... and if it is not what you want and/or need, then I would say - be grateful for what you *do* share with that person and continue to keep your heart and mind open to whomever might be that person that your Creator has designed to be most compatible with *you.*

YOU were "wonderfully and fearfully made." No greater or no less than any other individual who walks this planet! We were all made for relationship - one way or another, and IMO there is someone for everyone who was created with the desire for mutually shared love.

Thank you for starting the thread. It's an interesting topic that I am guessing will receive many responses!

[miu]

In most cases, having a best friend of the opposite sex that happens to be asexual would just be a platonic close friendship akin to having a best friend of the same sex as a heterosexual. Or I would think of them as unofficial adopted family like a brother figure in my life. One can feel deep affection for a non-family person and not want to have sex with them.

[Heaveno]

I would not prefer to be in a relationship with someone who was asexual. Primetime or 20/20 had some couples on last Spring. It is an agreed upon decision for each mate and they appeared to be very happy. Oh!! They were very intimate, just chose not to have intercourse.

[AsymptoticFaery]

I think that most people want to be desired in a relationship sexually, it's not superficial to want this, and they have preferences about how sexual and romantic desire should be expressed.

In a relationship where one person is asexual (AS) and the other is non-asexual (N-AS), I can see the N-AS person starting to feel unfulfilled over time or "ignored". They have a desire to see sexual interaction occur because it's the expression, to them, in their partner saying, "I find you sexually appealing, desirable and attractive."

The AS person will find their partner attractive but they won't be sexually stimulated or at least very rarely, so the N-AS person will start to question their level of attractiveness, desirability and appeal overall. They might even question their worth in the relationship romantically. This all might seem illogical and non-representative of how much their AS partner truly loves their N-AS partner, but the dynamics of self-doubt, rejection and frustration will most likely play out anyway.

I would also imagine that the other side would go through their own frustrations as well. Maybe they'd feel inadequate because they couldn't live up to the expectations of their partner, be the kind of person their partner wants them to be, feel broken or weird, and would hate to see their partner suffer as they do as if they are intentionally trying to emotionally harm or reject them.

I can see the relationship overall, being quite conflicting in many ways if both people are very different in this manner.

I wonder if an asexual/non-asexual relationship could work on any reasonable level?

I am still trying to find out what causes some people to be asexual as well. One of the biggest reasons I am curious is because it's not the norm and I've always been fascinated in what makes the smaller representation of a given population tick.

I've read some material online as well as personal experiences from people who are asexual. I've seen a few AS people say they've been tested for hormone deficiencies and have come out in the clear after visiting several doctors. This was interesting and puzzling to read, because it seems if someone has a very low or non-existent sex drive, that it would be attributed to hormone levels. So if this isn't the cause, then what causes it, given that there are none of the factors I mentioned in my first post involved?

[JustT&Me]

Originally Posted by miu

One can feel deep affection for a non-family person and not want to have sex with them.

Absolutely, Miu! I grew up in the South, and it seems that there was a more comprehensive or general understanding of that there than in the North. I don't know, but even when I visit - my friends' husbands will open the door for me, help carry my suitcase, offer me something to drink or whatever, and my friends are totally fine with that. But... *here* whoa! My friends are much more possessive it seems. They are intelligent women, healthy, strong, fun, but ... talk to their husband, and they want to know why. If you ask the couple over for dinner, the friend will suggest coffee between she & I instead. It's not that they don't want me near their husband - they will invite me to *their* home for dinner, but it seems they wouldn't want me playing hostess to them. So... I miss that here sometimes, and IMO it's sad when ppl seem to view others by their gender (or other feature: race, sexuality, etc.) rather than as viewing them as an individual first ... and deserving of their respect and human kindness.

You sound like an accepting, level-headed person who views ppl as human first. That's my opinion anyway. Thumbs up, Miu. I've been on another thread and exchanged some communication with the member SWBound... maybe you'd want to check out a few of their posts. The two of you might share some interesting conversation. Maybe not, but just a guess.

[AsymptoticFaery]

Originally Posted by miu

In most cases, having a best friend of the opposite sex that happens to be asexual would just be a platonic close friendship akin to having a best friend of the same sex as a heterosexual. Or I would think of them as unofficial adopted family like a brother figure in my life. One can feel deep affection for a non-family person and not want to have sex with them.

Well that's certainly true and definitely not up for dispute, but I am talking about when the dimensions or areas of energy desired in a relationship aren't compatible. I think that people might say this is superficial or objectifying, but it really isn't if you look at it further.

This is very different than someone simply using one's partner as a sexual release or seeing them only as a sexual tool...if this is the understanding. I think it relates to levels of passion...sexual passion that is reflected through the desire for intercourse and sexual acts but isn't totally about that.

Not sure if I am making any sense here or if what I am saying is clear.

[elfyum]

HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLL NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oxygen, food, water, sleep, SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And actually sex would come before all of them except oxygen...!!!
Oh - I could be FRIENDS with an asexual person.
I mean, that's actually ALL you could be with them!
Hell - O!!!