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The thing I'm struggling with is knowing when it's good enough. But even using that phrase sounds like you're settling. When you're young, you just ask if you're happy with the person. You don't get hung up on the bigger issues. But I think most of us who've been in serious relationships know it's never that simple, not if you want the relationship to last. You can be happy with someone, even madly in love, and you buy into the myth that love conquers all. But when you step back and look at the two of you objectively, you see a lot of things that say this person isn't right for me in the long run. I've been in relationships where I was happy with the person, I loved them and we had fun together. But I never felt a deep connection no matter how much time we spent with each other. I suppose for a lot people, that's fine. They don't need that level of bonding. They're content with a companion where maybe they don't have a lot in common, but at least they enjoy each other's company. Sometimes, I envy those people because it feels like they're not asking as much out of a relationship as I am. I'm looking back at ex-partners and thinking "maybe I should've just ignored this, put up with that, etc." even though, at the time, they were things that I had a problem with. But when I ask myself how I'd feel if I were still with them, a voice in my head says "all the things you didn't like about this person before will still be there. So if it bothered you then, what makes you think it wouldn't bother you now?"
I will say, the concept of "settling" wasn't on my radar at the time my first husband and I married. The circumstances surrounding our marriage, the dynamic and culture/background, was different than the norm. (we were very religious, and our then-faith shaped much of our decision to marry and the dynamic in the early years)
We had love for each other, and we got along fine, a lot in common, but our marrying young, me rubbing off on him, has a lot to do with it. We essentially grew up together, and learned a lot in the process. But there were things I wanted in the marriage that he struggled with (the emotional intimacy and communication) that made it difficult to really bond, and throw in some major life events, and we eventually went down separate paths. We were a good family unit, and friends, but not really a couple. I was his first everything, and what he saw modeled, in terms of romantic relationships, didn't exactly help him with understanding the function and dynamic of a relationship. In any case, we realized it was best to split and search for what we really wanted. What you buy into at a really young age, as super religious followers, is quite different a decade later, no longer religious, with many life experiences and events, soul-searching, etc., behind you.
I knew that if I were to marry again, it was paramount that he and I be very compatible in every respect. Call it picky. I call it wise, because I'm bringing someone into my life, pouring time and emotional, mental and physical energy into this individual, building a life and raising a family, spending hours and hours together, so it only makes sense that we more than "get along fine" and engage in random, mundane chit-chat, etc. The dynamic I prefer, that includes quality time and intellectual connection, needs more than "get along," which means something different to different people.
My being picky served me well in the end. My now-husband's approach was similar as well. He "settled" in past relationships. Stayed longer than he should have, or got into relationships that he was barely lukewarm about, but once he hit his mid-30s, he decided he wouldn't settle just to avoid being single, and he became comfortable with being single, until he found the right person. He was very selective as well, though he wondered if he was "too selective" at times and tried tweaking his preferences (e.g., dating women who are "spiritual, not religious"), but it just never worked. The dynamic just didn't work and he never felt a connection due to missing components. It's fine if others feel a different way or have different relationship needs and criteria, but some people prefer a certain dynamic and connection, and deviating from that ultimately results in incompatibilities. (I've btdt, too. It never worked for me.)
What did work for me was sticking to what I desired in a partner and not settling for "okay enough" or ditching criteria or relationship components that are vital for the kind of relationship I want.
The thing I'm struggling with is knowing when it's good enough. But even using that phrase sounds like you're settling. When you're young, you just ask if you're happy with the person. You don't get hung up on the bigger issues. But I think most of us who've been in serious relationships know it's never that simple, not if you want the relationship to last. You can be happy with someone, even madly in love, and you buy into the myth that love conquers all. But when you step back and look at the two of you objectively, you see a lot of things that say this person isn't right for me in the long run. I've been in relationships where I was happy with the person, I loved them and we had fun together. But I never felt a deep connection no matter how much time we spent with each other. I suppose for a lot people, that's fine. They don't need that level of bonding. They're content with a companion where maybe they don't have a lot in common, but at least they enjoy each other's company. Sometimes, I envy those people because it feels like they're not asking as much out of a relationship as I am. I'm looking back at ex-partners and thinking "maybe I should've just ignored this, put up with that, etc." even though, at the time, they were things that I had a problem with. But when I ask myself how I'd feel if I were still with them, a voice in my head says "all the things you didn't like about this person before will still be there. So if it bothered you then, what makes you think it wouldn't bother you now?"
To me, I am "settling" for someone if I am not attracted or in love with that person, AND he's not with me either.
Again, making compromises and exceptions for the one I love is not settling. If I'm crazy about him, but he doesn't have all the attributes that I want? Doesn't have the best paying job, but he's independent and makes a decent living? Not the best looking, but attractive enough for me? That is not settling.
You're only settling if the both of you do not love each other wholeheartedly.
Maybe your problems were different than mine. Give examples of things that bothered you in past relationships.
One partner was emotionally immature. I gave her plenty of time to change, but she never did. And it just became too much for me to deal with.
Another partner was financially irresponsible and, because of that, I could never see us getting married.
Things like cheating or physical abuse are obviously things you should never settle on. But some people might put up with things like smoking, for example.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Metaphysique
I knew that if I were to marry again, it was paramount that he and I be very compatible in every respect. Call it picky. I call it wise, because I'm bringing someone into my life, pouring time and emotional, mental and physical energy into this individual, building a life and raising a family, spending hours and hours together, so it only makes sense that we more than "get along fine" and engage in random, mundane chit-chat, etc. The dynamic I prefer, that includes quality time and intellectual connection, needs more than "get along," which means something different to different people.
I call it wise as well and this is exactly what I would want in a relationship too. I've had partners that I loved, we had fun together, the sex was great, etc. And all of that's fine if you're just dating. But I always felt like I needed more than that if I was going to settle down with them. But lately, I catch myself wondering if maybe I'm asking for too much and that I really should just learn to be happy with less.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,951,955 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AhRainess
To me, I am "settling" for someone if I am not attracted or in love with that person, AND he's not with me either.
This, and this simple.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane
I call it wise as well and this is exactly what I would want in a relationship too. I've had partners that I loved, we had fun together, the sex was great, etc. And all of that's fine if you're just dating. But I always felt like I needed more than that if I was going to settle down with them. But lately, I catch myself wondering if maybe I'm asking for too much and that I really should just learn to be happy with less.
If you just love them, yeah, its settling. If you're in love with them, which is very different, it is not.
Never settle. That's not a good reason to get in to a long term relationship.
If there are things that you simply cannot accept, then you are not only being unfair to yourself, you're going to be unfair to the other person if, at some later time, you simply cannot deal with what they do that you already knew that you didn't like from the beginning.
As long as you aren't being ridiculously picky with superficial things, there is no reason to compromise your own values just to be with someone. So if she's rude to waitstaff and you hate that, that says something about her character and it's doubtful that would change. Why even waste your time and hers? However, if she is an avid reader and likes to go to book clubs, but you can't remember the last book you read...that's kind of a dumb thing to pass someone over for...by 40 something, you should already know if your deal breakers are legitimate or superficial.
I think too many people settle these days, and after some years, they realize that they can't deal with it afterall. My theory is that the divorce rate is high because a) people don't communicate before they decide to commit, and b) people settle for whatever reason...loneliness, co-dependency, society pressure, family pressure...and eventually they just can't take it anymore. Heck with all that.
A line from a movie that I've always remembered: I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than together for the wrong ones.
I have the same problem as OP and it is frustrating. I have this ex bf that keeps reappearing in my life and he is/was perfect. Good looking guy, smart, completely obsessed with me and I enjoyed spending time with him (I still do now when we are only friends). But I wasn't happy, something was always missing, I didnt feel I loved him enough. After him, I have had relationships and hook ups. Most of them were jerks, not even that good looking but with few of them I could see myself in the future. But as I said, they were either jerks or not that into me and it never worked out.
Looking back, I sometimes wonder should I settle for my wonderful ex and finally be done with this horrible dating world..
I have the same problem as OP and it is frustrating. I have this ex bf that keeps reappearing in my life and he is/was perfect. Good looking guy, smart, completely obsessed with me and I enjoyed spending time with him (I still do now when we are only friends). But I wasn't happy, something was always missing, I didnt feel I loved him enough. After him, I have had relationships and hook ups. Most of them were jerks, not even that good looking but with few of them I could see myself in the future. But as I said, they were either jerks or not that into me and it never worked out.
Looking back, I sometimes wonder should I settle for my wonderful ex and finally be done with this horrible dating world..
I could say whole-heartedly that my first ex is the love of my life. I could fall in love with another woman, but I don't know if I'll love anyone like I loved her. I didn't realize that till I was older and really reflected on the decisions that I made. I was a different person then and highly immature.
I'm going to say that going back to your ex is NOT the right decision. There's clearly something that keeps you from opening up to him fully and feeling physically and emotionally satisfied by him. It may not even be something he's doing. Maybe you need to do some soul searching and really get down to the root of what you're looking for out of a partner.
From how you describe things, there's a stark difference between this particular ex and the guys you dated after him. As in, there's no middle ground. The ex was everything you were looking for but something was missing, while your other exes had what was missing; however, they tended to treat you less than favorably. There's nothing wrong about going back to the well and working on yourself. I'm doing the same thing now.
OP, why would you want to be with someone who isn't right for you? That doesn't make sense.
Since when do feelings make sense? My mind tells me those people are my exes for good reasons and that if I had stayed with them or got back together with them, all the issues I had with them would just resurface. But this is about why we feel certain things. Maybe it's loneliness or desperation. Maybe it's some kind of mid life crisis I'm going through. But there's a part of me that's reflecting on past decisions and reexamining my choices and wondering if I made the right call. Again, my brain tells me one thing, my heart says another. It's times like this where I wish I could be a Vulcan and purge some emotions.
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