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Old 03-10-2008, 02:21 PM
 
5,108 posts, read 7,735,250 times
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i also like to get the "deal breakers" out in the open right away, those charged issues that might lead to "you never told me how dare you if I'd known that I'd never have gone out with you." I want to know up front if someone's been incarcerated. Ever. Also if they've been married, how many times, and how long the marriages lasted.

Most men want to know right up front that I have been in gay relationships with women. Secrecy on those sorts of things doesn't serve anyone, in my experience. Every person has their own individual list of deal-breakers that are so important they DO need to be disclosed or face the relationship breaking apart down the road.
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Old 03-10-2008, 08:52 PM
 
338 posts, read 861,732 times
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Default Deal Breakers.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DimSumRaja View Post
i also like to get the "deal breakers" out in the open right away, ...Every person has their own individual list of deal-breakers that are so important they DO need to be disclosed or face the relationship breaking apart down the road.
While I would agree that a list of "deal breakers" is good to have upfront, but personally, IMO, it might not be the "thing" itself (sometimes) as much as the how, why, & "what since" factors. Some ppl are capable of 180 and some aren't. For some, their past is just that, and for others, it still haunts and effects their interactions detrimentally. Each person is different, and each person has diff ways of handling things. What I *prefer* someone might have or not have experienced, where there is mutual enjoyment and respect, some of those things seem to fade in significance. (Which would be a good reason to have a list upfront if you are prone to making emotionally-based judgments.) Gaining understanding IMO is more of a priority than exchanging a "deal breakers" list. If the two of you decide not to become SOs, then at least you might have made a friend along the way.

Thinking about "deal breakers," I met a fellow once who had such a list who approached his relationships *seeking* what "thing" the woman might have on her list which would "break the deal" for him. Not surprisingly, he was never able to meet anyone with whom he believed he could have a relationship bc he always found *something* on his list of "deal breakers" in everyone he met. IMO, seek and you shall find... seek beauty, find beauty. Seek fault, find fault. Love & you shall be loved.

One thing that is somewhat frustrating, IMO, are double-standards. But that would be a tangent topic re: openness & intimacy, so I'll just stop there.
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Old 03-10-2008, 09:11 PM
 
2,023 posts, read 3,561,320 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AsymptoticFaery View Post
If a partner didn't want to share everything with you about themselves, would this cause you to lose trust in them on any level or gain suspicion about their motives to keep certain parts of themselves private?
My bf and I went through a little of this on Saturday night. We've been together for about 2 years, and yes, there are things about my life that he doesn't know. We tried to open up the lines of communication about certain very sensitive issues to me, but it didn't work. I would hope, considering the circumstances, that he understands *why* I haven't been completely open with him about this.

I would also extend the same courtesy to him.
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Old 03-10-2008, 10:00 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles
754 posts, read 942,762 times
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[quote=JustT&Me;3088917]Thank you for your comments. I found this reply a very challenging one to complete, so I decided to reverse my reply, beginning with my questions for you rather my own opinion.

First... what is "average"???
Let me see, I didn't know you were going to force me to think but seriously, for me I think average are just the things that "most" of us have gone through. Maybe like a wild week in College or something. ASF mentioned that her friends' bf had been molested as a child. Let's just say that's NOT average. That's something that I would be honored if my bf told me that. Why? Because it was probably hard for him to do so and it would be a clear sign that he trusts me. So, I definitely understand where this would be applicable in a relationship but I guess I'm not to sure it it should be the rule. But the both of you made some really interesting points that really made me think. I think that with my past relationships I've always followed the "Don't ask, Don't tell" rule of thumb. I personally do not like to be lied to so I've never "lied" to any of my bf's but at the same time I just think that some things are none of their business. But I am also a woman who at the ripe old age of 35 has fallen in love for the first time (I guess you could say I've had trust issues). For some of us, we are extremely private (I think it's the Scorpio in me ) but I'm just not comfortable laying all my cards on the table. The man that I'm with now, seems to be a little more open than I am. Whenever we have conversations about our past I've always been honest with him but I wouldn't say I've been open either. I just don't like feeling "exposed".

What's something "major?"

I think the example that ASF gave about the rape is major. Anything that tramatized you would definitely be major. If you were a victim of anything, if you grew up with alcoholic parents, someone close to you passed away. I mean the "life altering" things.

Why is the emphasis on the sexual "little things" done and not other "little things"?

Because that was the first thing that came to mind when I read this topic (again, blame the Scorpion in me ).


What would you consider "criminal history"?

I mean anything that gets you a record!! A series of traffic tickets that eventually caused someone to lose their license? YES (that can eventually affect the relationship. A DUI? Definitely, because it can/will affect the relationship if it continues. Or only something "major" like rape, murder, or car theft? Drug usage and/or possession? Prostitution? Yes, criminal history to me is all inclusive. That's not to say that I wouldn't date someone who had a problem with some traffic tickets but I should know if that situation hasn't been resolved. Actually, I should know anyway because not paying them speaks to their being responsibile for their actions.

I am not hearing any argument here from you - so no worries on that one! I am hearing an exchange of information which is obviously interesting to at least several souls as noted by continued commenting & replying in return.

Glad to hear it, I just wanted to know what others (who don't necessarily feel the way I do) think.

For *some* ppl, the things of the past *can* "dictate" who they are today or who they might become in the future. Everyone is different. You cannot know when someone else is going to slip back into something they used to do or even once tried. I think it would be even more significant to know their motivation for having done what they did in the first place. If they did something out of curiousity, I'd be less inclined to feel awkward about some things than if they did something, for example, to get back at someone. IMO it's not necessarily what someone did as much as why they did it that could resurface in the relationship.

Totally agree with everything you've said. Even if it contradicts myself. But if you're talking a one time thing that will never happen again. I don't need to know. My last bf and I were together for almost 7 years, and believe it or not I told him everything. He's the only person on earth who knows everything about me. I guess there's a point in a relationship when you are so comfortable with your SO where you wake up and realize this person knows everything about me, and for me that was scary and comforting at the same time. But when you're like me and I tend to hold my cards to my chest, it takes a while to get to *that* level of intimacy.

Love & loving, IMO, should be freely offered & received, not manipulated or deceived into gaining. IMO manipulation & deception

Ok, I don't think it's being deceptive. I think being deceptive is more like intentionally misleading someone to think you're someone you're not. But I also realize that there are some things that if not shared would definitely lead to that conclusion. Personally, I don't think I'm being deceptive (not saying you're calling me that) but I think it's just who I am. I'm friendly but I am definitely not an open book. Some of that is may be fear (I'm kind of on the fence about that), but I think for me, it's just the fact that I'm not one of those people who feels the need to tell everything. Sure as the relationship continues then obviously my comfort level will be as such that I would tell them things that I wouldn't tell anyone else but this is not someone who I just met and we've been dating a few months.

I can't remember if it was you or ASF who mentioned that the reason I wasn't able to look at my ex the same way after he revealed something to me, well you were right. If I loved him, I would've stayed. My ex who I was with for 7 years told me something I think was worse but it never occurred to me to leave him because of it. So I guess that does have a lot to do with it.
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Old 03-10-2008, 10:06 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles
754 posts, read 942,762 times
Reputation: 685
Wow, I think that the longest post I've ever submitted
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