Openness and Intimacy (dating, wife, married, woman)

[AsymptoticFaery]

In your view of an ideal relationship, where the emotional bond is strong, there is mutual trust/respect, the communication is open and you are a good friend as well as lover to and with your partner, do you believe that your partner should know everything about you?

Or do you feel that there should be some things about you (ideas/beliefs/feelings/experiences) that are off-limits in discussing with your partner or allowing your partner to know about you?

Should it be ideal to be as open as possible with another person when aspiring to create a very close and intimate relationship? How far should we go?

If a partner didn't want to share everything with you about themselves, would this cause you to lose trust in them on any level or gain suspicion about their motives to keep certain parts of themselves private?

[moonshadow]

Tough question!

Can I keep my stuff to myself and he has to tell me everything?

Kidding!

I guess we all keep some things to ourselves and that's ok as long as it isn't an excuse to withold intimacy and connection.

[JustT&Me]

Originally Posted by moonshadow

Tough question! Can I keep my stuff to myself and he has to tell me everything?

Sure! You go first. Btw, nice name. When I was little, my younger brother & I use to love listening to the song... the end always made us laugh.

[JustT&Me]

Originally Posted by AsymptoticFaery

In your view of an ideal relationship, where the emotional bond is strong, there is mutual trust/respect, the communication is open and you are a good friend as well as lover to and with your partner, do you believe that your partner should know everything about you?

Why do you ask? Jk. IMO it depends on the individuals. Some like hearing it all (I would), and some like keeping their stuff to themselves (I would). Ha. Guess "Moonshadow" & I would be sitting in "The Sound of Silence" for quite some time on that one! Lol. IMO each person needs to decide what they'd want or need in a relationship and then decide if they were going to respect that other person's wants & needs one way or the other. IMO it would not be right to attempt to force someone else to share what they'd rather keep to themselves, and then you'd just need to decide if you wanted to accept that or move forward. It wouldn't be wrong either way IMO - just a preference. Now... if that person had some sort of record, a disease, or some sort of commitment they've made which might include and/or affect that person later, then I *do* believe they should tell the other person bc. (e.g., I know a woman who's getting married who is the sole caretaker of her disabled adult brother when their parents die. It'd be only right, IMO, to inform her future mate - bc the brother would be living with them.)

Originally Posted by AsymptoticFaery

Or do you feel that there should be some things about you (ideas/beliefs/feelings/experiences) that are off-limits in discussing with your partner or allowing your partner to know about you?

See answer above.

Originally Posted by AsymptoticFaery

Should it be ideal to be as open as possible with another person when aspiring to create a very close and intimate relationship? How far should we go?

Define: "as open as possible", please. Are you speaking merely in terms of communicating per this thread? Or otherwise?
Definte: "intimate relationship?" (e.g., sexual? per another of your threads, or simply emotionally? Financially?) More info needed.

Originally Posted by AsymptoticFaery

If a partner didn't want to share everything with you about themselves, would this cause you to lose trust in them on any level or gain suspicion about their motives to keep certain parts of themselves private?

Depends on the partner and when in the relationship they practiced this, and the consistency of this in their life in other areas with other ppl.

If someone upfront is private, then maybe they are just a private person. Not a big deal. But if they were initially open & fun-loving, then later bc withdrawn & private - then I'd be asking some questions.

To be suspicious about another person's motives, IMO, seems to state that you would be either assuming or ruminating on a guess - what they might be thinking, feeling, experiencing. IMO this is not as beneficial as simply asking. Ask, ask, ask. Too many ppl assume way too much, and it hurts ppl and damages relationships where it would have been much more beneficial to seek the truth in a kind, loving, respectful way.

There are many reasons a person might decide to keep something to themselves. It doesn't always mean they are withholding it from you, but on the other hand, maybe they are for good reason. About 6 years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. Heavy stuff. But for whatever reason, I just had this "sixth sense" thing that had me keeping it to myself until I knew the specifics. I didn't want my folks esp. or my friends to worry or be overly concerned or to be adding to the pressure by asking a lot of questions for which I did not yet have the answers.

During that time period, I made a major decision to resign from my job and pack my bags to move to Alaska. Something I had intended and planned on doing when I retired but based on what I was told was not going to see... I only told folks that I had decided it was time for me to leave and follow a dream, and they supported me. A few questions, but I was so set on it, they were happy for me.

Four months later, ... I was told that the doc's ofc had made a mistake. That I had *nothing* at all! Wow. Can you imagine what my folks & friends would have gone through (you know Mothers!)?! But by that time, I'd already resigned, gave up my apt., packed things into storage, secured a position, & shipped up a few boxes to AK. You never know!

Once I *did* tell everyone, they were a little perturbed, but they got over it. They just didn't know why I wouldn't have told them something that significant. It was just a "gut" thing, and to this day, I've never regretted not telling them in the first place.

Sometimes maybe someone is just figuring it out for themselves, or trying to figure out *how* to tell you something, esp. if they value your relationship and how the information they would share might effect you.

I say, when in doubt, ask. If they don't want to tell you, be supportive and encouraging - tell them if anything ever *did* come up, that they could tell you. But be prepared - you may or may not like what they might have to say! I often wonder why ppl ask questions of others, then become upset when they get an answer they didn't like? I'm not talking about things like, "Sorry, I'm cheating on you," which warrants such response, but things like... "Does this make me look fat???" "No, dear, but your unhealthy eating and sedate lifestyle certainly contributes to it!"

You ask such GREAT questions, Asympto! Very interesting ... !

[moonshadow]

Originally Posted by JustT&Me

Sure! You go first. Btw, nice name. When I was little, my younger brother & I use to love listening to the song... the end always made us laugh.

Not likely! That's why I thought it a tough question. In all honesty there are things I like to keep to myself but I also know that I get a bit suspicious when he's doing the same. I realise that's not really fair.

So I guess I strive to be as open and honest as possible and hope that he is also doing the same but I respect that some things are private as best I can.

And thank you on the name. It just popped into my head while I was registering. I'd just like to add that everything is in working order here and I still have all my teeth!

[JustT&Me]

Originally Posted by moonshadow

Not likely! That's why I thought it a tough question. ...I realise that's not really fair. So I guess I strive to be as open and honest as possible...And thank you on the name. ...I'd just like to add that everything is in working order here and I still have all my teeth!

Well, thank you for that one - the toothless grinner! Jk. Not sure where that one originated, but I accept you just the same. You can tell us almost anything,...

Yes - love is never really "fair" is it? But if life was "fair", then IMO, it would have a strong element of boring to it... that I think would have us all... begging for some change! Oh! HA... *now* I know the origin of the teeth comment. Lol. There goes my brain... a lack of sleep. "...And if I ever lose my mouth, all my teeth... north & south...!"

Wow... we should start a thread of 60s-70s lyrics! That would be fun. G'nite!

[moonshadow]

Originally Posted by JustT&Me

Well, thank you for that one - the toothless grinner! Jk. Not sure where that one originated, but I accept you just the same. You can tell us almost anything,...

Yes - love is never really "fair" is it? But if life was "fair", then IMO, it would have a strong element of boring to it... that I think would have us all... begging for some change! Oh! HA... *now* I know the origin of the teeth comment. Lol. There goes my brain... a lack of sleep. "...And if I ever lose my mouth, all my teeth... north & south...!"

Wow... we should start a thread of 60s-70s lyrics! That would be fun. G'nite!

Well I'm glad we sorted that out so I wasn't sitting here with egg on my face!

No, I guess you're right, things would be boring if life was always fair and love too for that matter. I guess it's all a learning experience.

Yes, a lyrics thread does sound fun.

Faery, I've thought about this some more and I think that a relationship with a significant other is characterized by a deeper level of sharing of yourself and they of themselves. That's what makes intimate relationships more special I think and sets them apart from friendships and other relationships.
So I guess my expectation is that my significant other would know more about me than anyone else but still perhaps not everything. I do think that you need to maintain some sense of self, your own little bit of autonomy and I would expect the same for my partner. I'm not sure I would want to know everything about him. A bit of mystery does keep things interesting.

[Muhnay]

I know my wife like I know myself.. and she the same. I can look at her and know what she is thinking. I would not want it any other way. I think secrets hurt.. if you cant trust the person your bonded to with everything then you should look into a better relationship. You don't trust them enough to take your deepest secret and help you carry that burden with you. If the person your bonded too takes that secret and hurts you with it, then they are not worth your time, and should be discarded like the trash they are.

[Pikantari]

Originally Posted by AsymptoticFaery

In your view of an ideal relationship, where the emotional bond is strong, there is mutual trust/respect, the communication is open and you are a good friend as well as lover to and with your partner, do you believe that your partner should know everything about you?

Or do you feel that there should be some things about you (ideas/beliefs/feelings/experiences) that are off-limits in discussing with your partner or allowing your partner to know about you?

Should it be ideal to be as open as possible with another person when aspiring to create a very close and intimate relationship? How far should we go?

If a partner didn't want to share everything with you about themselves, would this cause you to lose trust in them on any level or gain suspicion about their motives to keep certain parts of themselves private?

You know, in your first paragraph....it sort of says a lot. With all of those things in place, I think the two people should be able to tell each other anything.

If your realationship really and truly has every single one of those attributes, I think that you would be able to tell them anything, at least, I hope so.

I suppose it could depend on the person. But really, if you have found a person that is all those things to you, and you are all those to him/her...

Nothing else in this world should truly matter. I don't think that they would try to keep things about themselves private, in a relationship such as you have explained.

Now, does everyone truly have that type of relationship? Another question for another thread,maybe

[The Man in SATX]

If you are attempting to put together a bonding, lasting relationship and are with holding information and the person you are attempting to bond with finds out about it later.. then it will definitly put a damper on you relationship. My belief is .. if you are dating or whatever you want to call it.. then the other individual should take you the way you are. I am not sure what kind of information would you hold out from someone else (you are a closet thief? you kill people for a living?) not sure.. but with holding information definitly will effect a relationship and will have a dramatic result if the other person finds out...

either they say.. wow they with held that from me and it was stupid of them to do so.. or wow.. that is heavy stuff I cant deal with it..

Both can end the same.. the ending of the relationship.. due to the trust factor..

Get it out in the open.. if they end it.. then move on down the road and find someone who will accept you for what you are 100%.