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The guy who only wanted fwb (at least that is what i think) told me the chemistry between us felt incredible (and I felt the same way) but that is what it was all to him. Good chemistry and sex. I will never understand that...
So I am a woman. And I totally get it. Just part of my wiring. Not the only part! Take the advice here and stick to your guns about what you want. You get to be YOU.
Don't worry about it too much. I was always single, too.
You're doing all of the right things. Eventually you'll hit upon the right combination of traits and you'll hopefully move into a stable, long term relationship full of love and adventure. It just seems that it will never happen.
Enjoy yourself now. If and when you find the right guy you'll probably look back at yourself now and realize that there wasn't anything wrong with being single. Having a partner is simply a different phase in a pretty good existence already.
"As I hit 30s, I wonder if I am not lovable or maybe I choose wrong people or I am just not lucky... I am getting worried that I will be single forever. What's wrong with me?"
If you want some hard analysis, here you go. Let's recap: For 3 years, you lived with a guy with whom you felt no chemistry. For a year and a half, you chased after a guy who was emotionally unavailable. For another year and a half, the bf spot was occupied by a man who was physically unavailable. (in another city)
See the problem yet? You described yourself as "independent and very persistent". Those are great strengths in most areas, but in love, they are working against you. The issues with all three of the above men were present on day 1, yet you 'persisted'. Staying far past the relationship's expiration date. Focus on finding the men who are fully available. And immediately cut loose the men who aren't. Don't wait for anyone to "come around". And when you do find a fully available man, drop your walls. "Independent" women (especially those from difficult childhoods) tend to be very guarded. Men might be sensing this and mimic you by closing themselves off.
Yeah, OP, I don't see where the "always single" part comes in. Going by the underlined, above, it looks like you've been very un-single for the last 7 years. Then you tried OLD, met a grand total of 2 guys, with whom it didn't work out. You need to meet more than just two guys. You've barely begun to date, now that you're finally single, available, and looking, after 7 years. Don't you think this alarmism is awfully premature?
Wait until you've spent a year or two going out with different people from online and in-real-life encounters, and then ask us if you're doing anything wrong. Finding a good partner takes a lot of time and patience. You've only gone out with two guys, after a couple of relationships, and one that never really got off the ground. Now that you have some experience, and a better idea of what to look for what to avoid, you should at least be able to avoid some measure of spinning your wheels with the wrong guy, so that you'll have more time to look for the right guy.
The guy in the second paragraph is the guy you should have married. Sorry you didn't feel that chemistry. I've stopped looking for women for now. OLD for more laid back, introverted men is a lost cause unless you are super funny or really buff. Between my personal development work and managing my newfound wealth from the crypto bubble, I don't have much time to focus on women anyways. The only ones that seem reasonably sane on OLD are the ones that don't post pictures in their profiles... probably because they don't get a big head from all the attention pictured profiles get... the chronic ones that have been on there 3 years, well let's just say I take everything they say in their profile with a grain of salt.. generally speaking they don't fall for the types of men they say they want.
Not get out much? No kids? I'm surprised men don't hit you up everywhere you go. Live in Iowa or something?
One quality I like in you is that you're willing to give the relationship a chance, and not just ghost because you don't feel "instant chemistry" on the first date. However, not feeling that chemistry for years is dragging it on a bit long, too.
"As I hit 30s, I wonder if I am not lovable or maybe I choose wrong people or I am just not lucky... I am getting worried that I will be single forever. What's wrong with me?"
If you want some hard analysis, here you go. Let's recap:
For 3 years, you lived with a guy with whom you felt no chemistry.
For a year and a half, you chased after a guy who was emotionally unavailable.
For another year and a half, the bf spot was occupied by a man who was physically unavailable. (in another city)
See the problem yet? You described yourself as "independent and very persistent". Those are great strengths in most areas, but in love, they are working against you. The issues with all three of the above men were present on day 1, yet you 'persisted'. Staying far past the relationship's expiration date. Focus on finding the men who are fully available. And immediately cut loose the men who aren't. Don't wait for anyone to "come around". And when you do find a fully available man, drop your walls. "Independent" women (especially those from difficult childhoods) tend to be very guarded. Men might be sensing this and mimic you by closing themselves off.
This is my first post here but I have been reading and following CD. I am a single female, 31 years old and as the title suggests, most of my life I have been single. I had one serious relationship when I was 25. It ended when I turned 28. Since then, I feel like have been facing rejection all the time. And, I am going to say this in the least arrogant way, I am a catch. While, I am not the hottest or prettiest girl around, I do consider myself attractive, cute, hard working, independent and very persistent. And while my love life sucks, I am very proud of what I have accomplished in other areas, despite having extremely difficult childhood and other limitations. Sometimes, I look back at my results and it seems almost supernatural. Anyway, back to my love life. As I hit 30s, I wonder if I am not lovable or maybe I choose wrong people or I am just not lucky.
My only long term bf was a wonderful person and probably loved me more than he loved himself. But, I just didn't feel that chemistry between us (well on my part, he was extremely attracted to me) and eventually had to end it. We had a lot of fun together and that is the reason it lasted for three years. We also lived together.
Next year and a half, I dated a guy who "couldn't be in a relationship with anyone." Not just me, anyone. And I was putting up with it for a year and a half. The truth is he was a strange guy. He was single for years before me and he is still single. He was 36 at the time and despite having a nice job and being highly intelligent, he used to get drunk every weekend and also have drinks every night during the week. He was extremely nice, considerate towards me and in general acted like a bf but still kept the distance and also made sure to let me know "he cant be in a relationship." Finally, I walked away because I also had to deal with other serious issues in my life and couldn't waste my energy on his bs.
The next bf was a long distance and was 29 (a year younger). I met him when I was almost 30. It lasted for a year and a half. During the first year, he was obsessed with me, planning our meetings and vacations and calling and texting all the time. We also made a plan to close the distance with me moving over to his city. Well, one day I just felt it wasn't the same. His attitude, his texts... I just felt it. He, of course denied that anything was wrong, except that distance started bothering him (but told me he was willing to continue relationship). It, eventually, ended as I couldn't deal with these new changes and "him being busy and stressed."
Finally, I joined OLD, got 1000 texts. Met few guys and liked two of them (both my age). Apparently, neither of these two liked me enough. One insisted he wanted a relationship but his behavior was telling me he wanted fwb (at least with me). We had maybe 8-9 dates, I also slept with him and tried to be patient but in vain. The second guy, never really asked me for a second date (despite texting me for maybe two weeks after the first one). And the rest of the guys I simply didn't feel any chemistry.
And, I don't go for extremely good looking or successful guys. With me, it is all about if I am looking forward to seeing the guy and if when thinking about him, it brings smile to my face.
I am getting worried that I will be single forever. What's wrong with me? I am terrified that as I am getting older it will be even more difficult (though people think I am in my early mid-20s).
I barely got through the first paragraph,
nope , not buying into it.
I think a few people have hit the nail on the head.
Often very competent and confident women frighten some men and as others have said, you may be guarded due to your difficult background.
A man has to be very confident of himself to be an equal of this type of woman. However, thats not a bad thing to be like this, it just makes it more difficult.
I think you need to do some work on yourself, sort out any issues you have left over from the past and then you will be secure enough to open up to the right person. You will also attract the right kind of person because you understand yourself better. Often the Universe can give you hints because it presents you with people or situations which mirror something you need to resolve in yourself. I know it sounds new agey mumbo-jumbo but...it is worth considering.
All-in-all, I feel it is really about loving and forgiving yourself and the people and situations in your past. Not a very easy thing to do but well worth the journey if you want happiness.
Interesting. Did you ask him about how he can feel chemistry and want nothing more? Maybe he was just Telling you that to keep you around for the sex. Or he mig have just meant sexual chemistry?
I think he wanted to keep me around and it was probably sexual chemistry. However, when we went out on dates, they usually lasted over three hours. Also, we would always grab breakfast in the morning and just sit there for hours.
That is what I don't understand. If you like spending time with someone and sex is good wtf is a problem then. I can think of two reasons for this guy. Since he has the highest level of education you can get, maybe he wanted someone with equal degree (not someone who is his age and still in school). I think this because during one of our dinners, he asked me if I would consider becoming a physician, instead of just getting my Master's in medical field. I explained to him that I would love to, but unfortunately, I didn't think it was a good idea because I already have loans and getting into Ph.D would mean thousands and thousands more (at this age). He agreed.
Or the second possibility is that he is just looking for a much prettier girl. He is successful, good looking, I guess, he thinks he can have most of the girls.
Yeah, OP, I don't see where the "always single" part comes in. Going by the underlined, above, it looks like you've been very un-single for the last 7 years. Then you tried OLD, met a grand total of 2 guys, with whom it didn't work out. You need to meet more than just two guys. You've barely begun to date, now that you're finally single, available, and looking, after 7 years. Don't you think this alarmism is awfully premature?
Wait until you've spent a year or two going out with different people from online and in-real-life encounters, and then ask us if you're doing anything wrong. Finding a good partner takes a lot of time and patience. You've only gone out with two guys, after a couple of relationships, and one that never really got off the ground. Now that you have some experience, and a better idea of what to look for what to avoid, you should at least be able to avoid some measure of spinning your wheels with the wrong guy, so that you'll have more time to look for the right guy.
Ruth, being a year and a half with someone who is telling you he can't be in a relationship is not exactly a relationship. Long distance, yes, it was a relationship but, once things started going downwards, it just didn't feel like a relationship. And OLD, I didn't meet only two men. I met probably about 10 guys. There was something wrong with 8 of them. Like lying about their looks, jobs, education, being insecure, ex- alcoholics and no chemistry. Two were decent but it didn't work out.
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