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Then you are undermining yourself, and using your partner as an excuse.
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A friend of mine who's also a personal trainer tells his clients to hang out with the people you want to be like and avoid the ones you don't want to be like. Kind of obvious advice that applies not only to fitness, but life in general. When it comes to relationships, we want a partner who'll help us be the person we want to be and not let their bad habits rub off on us. But sometimes, they make it harder not because they're trying to, but simply because your goals aren't theirs as well. Fitness is one area where this is obvious. Maybe the wife wants to lose weight and get in shape, but her husband who isn't overweight doesn't seem to care about eating healthy. Another example might be religion. One person wants to go to church more, but the other wants to stay home. Sure, you don't need your partner to do the same things or have the same priorities. You can go the gym or go to church without them. It's not your partner's responsibility to help you achieve your own personal goals. But I wonder if simply having a partner who doesn't have those same priorities can pose a long-term problem. And if so, does that mean you're just not compatible in the long run? Curious to hear your experiences on this.
No couple will have goals that fully align. Couples that have the knack of understanding, compromising, and sometimes indulging in good old-fashioned horse trading based on mutual respect are the ones who succeed.
In other words, just communicate. And do so in a nice way that assumes that the other person isn't an inconsiderate boob hell-bent on wrecking your life's ambitions. I mean, when you begin a discussion with, "I know you might not have thought of it this way, but when you do XXXXX it affects me like...." rather than "Why do you always do XXXXX? It is so thoughtless. You don't give a damn about me" it makes a big difference in how the rest of the discussion is going to go.
It seems like having separate interests is different from a partner undermining you.
I do believe couples should have SOME things they like to do together, because in my experience the less time you spend together, the less chance you have of strengthening your bond.
But undermining ... that's not cool.
My husband loves me and supports me in most anything I want to do. However, over time I began to realize that he doesn't really REALLY have my back. It's a subtle little thing that most people probably wouldn't notice (especially if their partner doesn't do this LOL).
But I began to realize that, in times of conflict with others, he would always ALWAYS expect me to bend, to change my stance, to "tone it down," so to speak, under the guise of "giving them the benefit of the doubt." I finally figured out that he was more willing to have me sacrifice my standards or whatever than to upset "an outsider." Because that's what HE does in a conflict.
To me, THAT is undermining, and it makes you feel much less valued. It's worse than just "I like shopping; you like golf."
My wife and I were pretty much together 24/7 the last nine years of her life after I retired. We had a very few interests that were different but for the most part we enjoyed spending maximum time together exploring the Ozarks region, small towns, old mills and villages, historic sites, etc. and taking all the nature it has to offer. For the last six years she was mostly house-bound and my times away were for grocery shopping and picking up prescriptions. I don't recall ever tiring of her company nor she mine. It's one of the primary reasons we fell in love and married. Never did we run out of a myriad of things to talk about and discuss.
It seems like having separate interests is different from a partner undermining you.
I do believe couples should have SOME things they like to do together, because in my experience the less time you spend together, the less chance you have of strengthening your bond.
But undermining ... that's not cool.
My husband loves me and supports me in most anything I want to do. However, over time I began to realize that he doesn't really REALLY have my back. It's a subtle little thing that most people probably wouldn't notice (especially if their partner doesn't do this LOL).
But I began to realize that, in times of conflict with others, he would always ALWAYS expect me to bend, to change my stance, to "tone it down," so to speak, under the guise of "giving them the benefit of the doubt." I finally figured out that he was more willing to have me sacrifice my standards or whatever than to upset "an outsider." Because that's what HE does in a conflict.
To me, THAT is undermining, and it makes you feel much less valued. It's worse than just "I like shopping; you like golf."
Sure, but some divergent goals and interests may create impassess and signify incompatability.
One obvious one is the goal of having a family. Somebody who wants one but ends up being with someone who ultimately decides childfree is best fit them is undermining the goal of the other. Not maliciously, but nonetheless, there's no resolution. Same for the reverse scenario.
But I wonder if simply having a partner who doesn't have those same priorities can pose a long-term problem.
Depending on the issue, yes, it would. Support or solidarity is important, especially if it's an issue where such support is helpful in achieving one's goal. Having someone who can relate with an issue or goal, and offer support, or participate, can play an important role in the relationship dynamic (support, solidarity, understanding, compassion, etc.) And the shared experience can be a bonding experience.
For instance, after having my youngest daughter, we both made an effort to go primal/paleo again. He didn't need to, because he's pretty fit, but he did it, willingly, to support me and because he knew it was a good idea.
That said, I knew how he felt about primal/paleo before taking on this goal, as he eats paleo/keto when he has to cut weight for tournaments. We discussed our eating habits/goals/history back when we first met, so it wasn't like I was asking something that he wouldn't be receptive to.
We're very similar in many respects, so we see eye to eye on most everything. I know what he is or would be receptive to. He wouldn't go vegetarian or vegan for me, and neither would I for him, or anyone. (he stated that in his profile)
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And if so, does that mean you're just not compatible in the long run? Curious to hear your experiences on this.
Yes, it would mean we don't share a compatible relationship dynamic, depending on the issue, if they're not too divergent. Like "Hey babe. I'm cutting out chocolate for life! Can you join me?"
Obviously, you're never going to find 100% compatibility. Anyone holding out for that is being unrealistic. But I think the point my personal trainer friend was making is that it's a lot harder to maintain motivation if you feel like you're alone. That's why he tells people who want to lose weight and get in shape to hang around others who want the same thing. Because if you're hanging around people who don't care about that, then you do feel like you're alone. And then it becomes harder to stay motivated. Of course, that depends on the individual. Some of us can work towards our goals regardless of what everyone else is doing. But I think for many people, having that shared motivation makes a huge difference. It's why alcoholics, for instance, join support groups. Cause quitting on your own is a lot harder. Some of my best relationships were the ones where some positive traits of my partner rubbed off on me. But influence isn't always positive.
I can totally relate to your question. I have always been a bit of a health nut; I work out 6 days per week and I eat a pretty strict diet to stay fit and maintain my sense of well-being. My husband does not.
I have a sedentary job, so I have a strong need to counter the ill-effects of that. If I let down my guard, I will inflate like a rubber raft. I'm always fighting it. My husband is the exact opposite; he works hard at a physically demanding job. He's strong and ripped. At the end of the day, he needs rest and insane amounts of calories to replenish himself. I do not. I am soft, despite my efforts.
I would never say that he "undermines" me and my goals, but it absolutely does make it harder for me.Sometimes he will go shopping and he almost always brings home "treats" for me which I really don't appreciate having in the house. He tells me that I "don't have to eat it" which is true, but still, I wish he wouldn't. My strategy lately is to beat him to the store and always keep food he likes, around so he is never motivated to go grocery shopping. So far, so good.
I suppose it would be like a couple of smokers where one spouse is trying to quit smoking but the other spouse lights up all the time.
It does make it harder for me, I cannot lie.
Last edited by Butterflyfish; 05-26-2017 at 06:53 PM..
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