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A friend of mine who's also a personal trainer tells his clients to hang out with the people you want to be like and avoid the ones you don't want to be like. Kind of obvious advice that applies not only to fitness, but life in general. When it comes to relationships, we want a partner who'll help us be the person we want to be and not let their bad habits rub off on us. But sometimes, they make it harder not because they're trying to, but simply because your goals aren't theirs as well. Fitness is one area where this is obvious. Maybe the wife wants to lose weight and get in shape, but her husband who isn't overweight doesn't seem to care about eating healthy. Another example might be religion. One person wants to go to church more, but the other wants to stay home. Sure, you don't need your partner to do the same things or have the same priorities. You can go the gym or go to church without them. It's not your partner's responsibility to help you achieve your own personal goals. But I wonder if simply having a partner who doesn't have those same priorities can pose a long-term problem. And if so, does that mean you're just not compatible in the long run? Curious to hear your experiences on this.
If they can't agree or respect each other's opinions/goals then naturally that would be a problem.
Sure we all have a few different interests than our spouses which I find healthy but obviously the more differences you have will increase the chances of being less compatible.
Not sharing an common interest is not undermining their goals/aspirations as such except when you don't support them and even put them down about it
If they can't agree or respect each other's opinions/goals then naturally that would be a problem.
Sure we all have a few different interests than our spouses which I find healthy but obviously the more differences you have will increase the chances of being less compatible.
Not sharing an common interest is not undermining their goals/aspirations as such except when you don't support them and even put them down about it
Agreement and respect are one thing. Undermining is something else altogether different. Compatibility is a necessary ingredient to any successful relationship but 100% is rare indeed.
My wife and I didn't see eye-to-eye on everything but we respected one another and our individual views. That was more than enough.
Now that she's gone I sorely miss our differences. They always led to great conversations.
Agreement and respect are one thing. Undermining is something else altogether different. Compatibility is a necessary ingredient to any successful relationship but 100% is rare indeed.
My wife and I didn't see eye-to-eye on everything but we respected one another and our individual views. That was more than enough.
Now that she's gone I sorely miss our differences. They always led to great conversations.
Completely agree and that's pretty much what I was getting at but thankfully you've worded it far better than I could so hopefully that should get the point across much quicker thank you
Yours, mine and ours. You do your thing. I'll do my thing. Together we will do our thing. When the kids come along forget all that; you will do kids things.
Seriously though, it's great when you have shared interests and agreed upon priorities but time and circumstances are likely to bring conflicts. How well you handle them depends on how much you love each other and how well you communicate with each other. Choose your partner wisely! It is important to make our loved one top priority and encourage him/her to pursue his/her own interests that make them happy. Love is after all seeking the best for the other person and not yourself. Hopefully they will appreciate what you do for them and return the favor. Balance is key to success in any relationship.
Obviously, you're never going to find 100% compatibility. Anyone holding out for that is being unrealistic. But I think the point my personal trainer friend was making is that it's a lot harder to maintain motivation if you feel like you're alone. That's why he tells people who want to lose weight and get in shape to hang around others who want the same thing. Because if you're hanging around people who don't care about that, then you do feel like you're alone. And then it becomes harder to stay motivated. Of course, that depends on the individual. Some of us can work towards our goals regardless of what everyone else is doing. But I think for many people, having that shared motivation makes a huge difference. It's why alcoholics, for instance, join support groups. Cause quitting on your own is a lot harder. Some of my best relationships were the ones where some positive traits of my partner rubbed off on me. But influence isn't always positive.
You either accept who they are or keep on looking for the right combination that does it for you.
Your only other option is to "intentionally" attempt to force a change in your spouse so they suit your every need, want and desire as an individual.
...which needless to say is the opposite of what most would consider a loving or caring spouse.
That's a control monster that justifies and objectives their actions as "good" because it's beneficial to their own will and everyone could benifit from being the same. It completely neglects each other's individuality and only rarionizes ones needs over the others instead of taking both for what and who they are and working with what is presented.
A personal trainer is the last person you should be getting or trying to take away any psychological advice from. Everything they say is meant to motivate you to want to change what you are lacking in self motivation, not motivate you to be all about you at the expense of others.
This forum in particular seems to have a lot of issues with these concepts and rarionizarions in general.
Last edited by rego00123; 05-26-2017 at 11:44 AM..
In part I think this is important to consider when choosing a partner. A couch potato is going to have a hard time with a fitness buff (or whatever).
I think it is important to have a partner who is adaptable. Basically, my husband and I pick up the same hobbies (I have more because I am home). When it became better for me to eat vegetarian most of the time my husband picked up the same diet and we do that 5 days a week, with meat on weekends.
He had always been into physical fitness, so I picked that up.
We do it to support the other, and because they are good habits.
He rides a motorcycle, and I get bored in the back, so he got us blue tooth helmets, and we ride to places that I want to go (a great veggie restaurant way out in the boonies, a great photography location, etc.). I still would prefer not to go (), but I do.
We make concessions because we enjoy spending time together, and we want the other to be happy.
But that is our dynamic. Others are fine with doing things apart, and don't mind.
I could not get my late husband into fitness or healthy food (well, he would eat it, and then go get something unhealthy ).
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In part I think this is important to consider when choosing a partner. A couch potato is going to have a hard time with a fitness buff (or whatever).
I think it is important to have a partner who is adaptable. Basically, my husband and I pick up the same hobbies (I have more because I am home). When it became better for me to eat vegetarian most of the time my husband picked up the same diet and we do that 5 days a week, with meat on weekends.
He had always been into physical fitness, so I picked that up.
We do it to support the other, and because they are good habits.
He rides a motorcycle, and I get bored in the back, so he got us blue tooth helmets, and we ride to places that I want to go (a great veggie restaurant way out in the boonies, a great photography location, etc.). I still would prefer not to go (), but I do.
We make concessions because we enjoy spending time together, and we want the other to be happy.
But that is our dynamic. Others are fine with doing things apart, and don't mind.
I could not get my late husband into fitness or healthy food (well, he would eat it, and then go get something unhealthy ).
Doing things apart is fine. Couples shouldn't spend all their free time together. Each person should have their own hobbies and interests along with shared interests. My dad loves to golf, but my mom has no interest. So she lets him go golfing with his buddies while she does her own thing. And I don't think he ever feels like she's undermining his interest in golf by not going with him. But for a lot of people, exercise isn't fun. It's something they have to make themselves do. And it only becomes harder if you're around someone who sits at home watching TV. Likewise, going to church might be something you have to compel yourself to do, perhaps out of guilt for not going more often. But then you look at your spouse who has no interest and you start to think it's OK if you stay home too.
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), but I do.
).
