Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
You know what they say about common denominators, right? And he admitted he can be hard to live with, and yet he's convinced himself that it's his three ex-wives that are at fault, because they filed. Talk about mental gymnastics.
Perhaps he was a big part of why they filed? He has a part in why those marriages, three of them, failed.
Me thinks the only legitimate reason for divorce for men of his ilk are the reasons dictated by said men. But their 1950s fantasy doesn't work here, either, 'cause not "putting out," a sexless marriage, nagging, etc., weren't legitimate reasons for divorce back then, but I guess extramarital encounters, acting ungodly, was A-okay, considering it wasn't exactly uncommon. So much for being principled and wholesome.
I didn't say they were at fault for problems within the marriage. In fact, I said repeatedly that I was not easy to love with. I did say that they all filed for divorce, not me. I was willing to try to work things out but maybe it was too little too late.
My first marriage failed because of changing interest on her part. We moved from NH to CA and she started to discover new things and culture. I continued to be interested in the same things I was before. I was willing to participate in her activities but she no longer wanted to do mine. We were young when we married and just drifted apart. Her friends and my friends. She wanted to move on and didn't want to work on our relationship. I was also very driven in my carrier so spent a lot of time at work or working from home.
Second marriage failed because I think mostly we had a 15 year age gap. Bad choice on my part getting married but when a beautiful blond southern CA woman wants you it is hard for a regular guy to resist. After a few years when I was early forties and fairly settled down she continued to want to party we started having problems. She was going out weekday nights until late, partying with younger friends. I got to the point of not even wanting to go out weekend nights. She wanted to have a younger mate that shared her lifestyle. She ended up marrying a guy her age.
My last marriage was very short. Found a woman on Match that liked everything I did and we actually got a long great. The only problem was, she had $40K in credit card debt, had a condo that she was upside down in for about $200K and her only asset was a $4K Honda Accord that was in pretty bad shape. Those should have been serious red flags but as a business owner I thought I could help her manage her debt. I set up a budget for her and paid off a lot of her debt, bought her a new car. She kept over spending her budget and when I financially put my foot down and told her I was going to cut her off financially she said she wanted a divorce!
So was I perfect husband through all this? Of course not. Resentment builds and I acted accordingly. I also was constantly working so I didn't put in the time and dedication I should have.
So, was I looking for Mrs. Cleaver for a wife? No. There was no 50's fantasy nor was there any cheating or abuse. There certainly was fighting and disagreements. There was enough fault all the way around as there is in most marriages.
My whole point is, if divorce was not such an easy option we may have been able to work things out, at least in the first two marriages. I guess even in the third marriage, if I had wanted to be the sugar daddy and financially support a 50+ year old woman I could have caved and told her I was only kidding and she probably would have stayed. However if that was the case I'd still be working now and not retired and living in the SoCal hell hole. So should I take the blame for that too?
I keep going back to what one poster said about making marriage harder and leaving divorce as it is. Especially for the last two marriages, if someone had kicked some common sense into me and said, "Dude, what are you thinking?" I may not have gotten married to them. But sometimes we don't think straight when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex (applies to men and women).
Only if there are children involved. Then, yes, but the programs are more for women with children.
In some areas homeless men with children (which are more rare) dont' have the same access (in shelters) due to security concerns, rightly or wrongly (this was at least true in the 80s/early 90s, haven't kept up on the field now)... YWCAs were also large providers of beds compared to YMCAs.
But its about children, more than women.
Thanks, that's what I thought. It must be really rough for older women, or any women w/o children. The homeless scene is a jungle, from what I hear. Not a place for women.
I agree that people have little endurance and want a marriage to be a boon only,I read a book by Clarissa Pinkola Estes 'woman who run with the wolves ' she talks about how wolf mothers plunge their pups into the coldest streams imaginable, run a pup until it is splay-legged and can hardly keep up and then do it some more to toughen up their spirit and give them the gift of endurance,people nowadays give up at the slightest difficulty.
Here's another good quote from the book talking about it all.
"sometimes the one who is running from the Life/Death/Life nature insists on thinking of love as a boon only. Yet love in its fullest form is a series of deaths and rebirths. We let go of one phase, one aspect of love, and enter another. Passion dies and is brought back. Pain is chased away and surfaces another time. To love means to embrace and at the same time to withstand many endings, and many many beginnings- all in the same relationship.â€
Though yes some relationships have to be let go of and have no way of being mended.
Simple... people just won't get married and opt for cohabitation . I don't think the divorce rate is the result of it being "too easy".
From what I've seen, divorce isn't easy (neither is any type of separation). I also don't believe that people simply don't put effort into the marriage; you really don't know what goes on behind closed doors. So while it may be a sudden occurrence from the outside, its usually an on going issue that has been brewing for a long time. I think for the most part, people do put effort into it but at some point give up... that's when those of us on the outside start to notice things.. after they've given up. So we are left to conclude that they are unwilling to put effort into what's left in the marriage.
I think people should be free to pursue happiness and no social nor legal construct should force them into a miserable life situation. It doesn't benefit anyone... the individuals, society, nor the children (if any).
If you need laws to encourage you to work at your marriage then I'd say don't get married... it is common sense and we don't need laws to encourage common sense either. I certainly don't want government dictating interpersonal relationships (and their version of morality) among people.
I'm not so sure I want the government playing games with my life. I want a divorce I want a divorce. Big bro isn't going to regulate my life more than I need it too, especially if this designed to force some morality on the divorce proceeding as if making it harder is going to encourage people to stay together. I find that to be repulsive to me. But out is pretty much my mantra when it comes to this sorta thing.
I'm not so sure I want the government playing games with my life. I want a divorce I want a divorce. Big bro isn't going to regulate my life more than I need it too, especially if this designed to force some morality on the divorce proceeding as if making it harder is going to encourage people to stay together. I find that to be repulsive to me. But out is pretty much my mantra when it comes to this sorta thing.
I tend to agree. However, the government issues the marriage license to begin with so it's kind of their game.
Now if you just get married via a religious of some other ceremony then that's a different deal.
Anyway, it seems most folks feel that they should be able to get divorced at any time without restriction so no wonder it is so common. Like I said a bunch of times now, we shouldn't change divorce but instead make marriage a bit more difficult.
I didn't say they were at fault for problems within the marriage. In fact, I said repeatedly that I was not easy to love with. I did say that they all filed for divorce, not me. I was willing to try to work things out but maybe it was too little too late.
My first marriage failed because of changing interest on her part. We moved from NH to CA and she started to discover new things and culture. I continued to be interested in the same things I was before. I was willing to participate in her activities but she no longer wanted to do mine. We were young when we married and just drifted apart. Her friends and my friends. She wanted to move on and didn't want to work on our relationship. I was also very driven in my carrier so spent a lot of time at work or working from home.
Second marriage failed because I think mostly we had a 15 year age gap. Bad choice on my part getting married but when a beautiful blond southern CA woman wants you it is hard for a regular guy to resist. After a few years when I was early forties and fairly settled down she continued to want to party we started having problems. She was going out weekday nights until late, partying with younger friends. I got to the point of not even wanting to go out weekend nights. She wanted to have a younger mate that shared her lifestyle. She ended up marrying a guy her age.
My last marriage was very short. Found a woman on Match that liked everything I did and we actually got a long great. The only problem was, she had $40K in credit card debt, had a condo that she was upside down in for about $200K and her only asset was a $4K Honda Accord that was in pretty bad shape. Those should have been serious red flags but as a business owner I thought I could help her manage her debt. I set up a budget for her and paid off a lot of her debt, bought her a new car. She kept over spending her budget and when I financially put my foot down and told her I was going to cut her off financially she said she wanted a divorce!
So was I perfect husband through all this? Of course not. Resentment builds and I acted accordingly. I also was constantly working so I didn't put in the time and dedication I should have.
So, was I looking for Mrs. Cleaver for a wife? No. There was no 50's fantasy nor was there any cheating or abuse. There certainly was fighting and disagreements. There was enough fault all the way around as there is in most marriages.
My whole point is, if divorce was not such an easy option we may have been able to work things out, at least in the first two marriages. I guess even in the third marriage, if I had wanted to be the sugar daddy and financially support a 50+ year old woman I could have caved and told her I was only kidding and she probably would have stayed. However if that was the case I'd still be working now and not retired and living in the SoCal hell hole. So should I take the blame for that too?
I keep going back to what one poster said about making marriage harder and leaving divorce as it is. Especially for the last two marriages, if someone had kicked some common sense into me and said, "Dude, what are you thinking?" I may not have gotten married to them. But sometimes we don't think straight when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex (applies to men and women).
If divorce had to be granted by a judge, and a judge had said "nope, no divorce" to one of your now ex-wives, what would that have changed? Would it have made her stay with you? People leave their spouses while still married all the time. Would it have made her willing to work on your marriage? Plenty of people live with their spouse while refusing to make any effort to improve their marriage.
It all comes down to two people being compatible (or not) and willing (or not) to work out any issues which may arise. No judge can decree that this must be so.
I'm sorry that you feel the legal system failed you and I wish you a happier future.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
