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OK, my situation doesn't fit the OP's definition, but I've been single 80% of the time since my divorce 8 years ago. The exceptions were a 6 month, 10 month, and 3 month relationship. I don't really count the 3 month one. Before my divorce, I went 17 years without being single longer than a few months or so, including 3 long term relationships and a marriage. Now, its impossible. I think its my location and my age, although I look 10 years younger and stay in shape. Its so frustrating in the age of online dating and women having the attention span of a gnat because several men are pursuing them. I hate being single and just want to be married. I sewed my oats many years ago and again since my divorce. I don't need to have a revolving door of short term flings, nor do I want it. I just don't understand the mentality these days.
Location: In my cat's house, until she finds a better human servant
372 posts, read 390,338 times
Reputation: 812
Integrity, work ethic and tenacity seem to be ever rarer qualities. I'm all for having fun (it's important!) but avoid groups that just go bar-hopping, and people who like to complain but never want to actually do anything to improve things. So the search goes on.
I was single for 8 or 9 years, and I am now in a relationship since January. I loved being single. I would do things alone or with a friend or a group of friends. I would have an occasional date here and there but nothing sparked my interest enough for additional dates.
I'm an old fashioned girl who likes to be pursued and asked for my number, asked out, etc. For this reason I never tried online dating. It wasn't the way I wanted to meet someone. I never really went looking for something I wasn't sure I wanted. I kept saying if someone comes along, I'll give it a shot, but if not, that's OK too.
My boyfriend and I were friends for several months before we got together. Apparently he thought I was good looking and fun, but thought I was out of his league. Around Christmas I had a little too much wine at a party and got a little flirty with him, and the rest is history.
I'm terrified of getting hurt but I'm giving this relationship everything I have. I truly think he is the one. Everyone kept telling me, when you meet the one, you'll just know.
I think its my location and my age, although I look 10 years younger and stay in shape.
It isn't your location. Weddings take place in Butte, MT and places even more remote than that. It isn't your age, because weddings take place in Care Facilities. It isn't your level of fitness because out of shape guys are as likely as not to have someone to call theirs. More excuses?
Its so frustrating in the age of online dating and women having the attention span of a gnat because several men are pursuing them.
A good looking woman will have multiple men to consider whether she is online or not. Many women hate OLD as much as you do. But even on OLD there are serious women among the flakes. Just like real life. Serious doesn't mean 'desperate' or over eager. I don't think needing years to consider a second marriage to be all that unreasonable.
I hate being single and just want to be married. I sewed my oats many years ago and again since my divorce.
Now we are getting somewhere. This (IMO) is your problem, if you want to call it that. You conflate not being married with being single. You are unable to see that even the short term fling, for the time that it was underway, was potentially a prelude to something lasting. No one wants to be hustled into a marriage, unless they want to be hustled into a marriage. You'd be overjoyed if you could find a woman who would want to run to the Justice of the Peace after the first date at Starbuck's, but the majority of women want to be more measured than that. Especially as an adult.
I have been with my second wife for 13 years. We've 'only' been married for the last two! We likely wouldn't be married at all, if it weren't for the fact that she got this new job with a fantastic health plan that she put me on. They started taking $300 out of every paycheck (that's $600/mo) because I was listed as a Domestic Partner and not a legal Spouse. So we fixed that. Nothing else has changed. I can't detect the slightest difference in how our lives interact now that we are married vs when we were 'merely' living together.
I don't think it would be all that unreasonable of a woman who knows that you were married in the past to wonder why you want or need to be married again. Even if she isn't opposed to marriage, she might not understand your obvious discomfort with being in a relationship that is less defined. I'm not judging, just observing, since you seem a little incredulous that the women you meet aren't as understanding of your position.
Who here has been single for a pretty long time, meaning 5+ years? By single I mean truly single and not in any relationship at all.
Have you been actively looking for all that time, are just passively looking or have you given up completely? Are you unhappy with your singleness or have you adapted to be happy with your situation?
A statistic that i've read is that 45% of the entire population of the United States is actually single but I think that does not take into account long term relationships and refers to only unmarried people. I wonder what the statistic is on people that are single in the true sense of the word.
Me.
I wouldn't say I haven't been looking, but I haven't exactly been putting a whole lot of effort in either.
I'm not the most outgoing guy in the world, and I fear coming off as creepy/weird so that's hurt me quite a bit in the dating world. I also can't take a hint too easily. I've had a few women confess that they liked me months/years after the fact, and they just got tired of waiting for me to make a move, and moved onto the next guy. That's crushing to hear that. Couple that with the fact that a lot has happened for me in my professional life the last 5 years (graduated college, got a job, moved away from home, moved back home, got another job, entered grad school, etc.). I don't know that I'd even have the time if I really tried. Also, to date, the only long-term relationship I've ever been in was extremely abusive, so that's something that's kind of damaged my psyche.
There are times when I enjoy being single (when I hear my friends/family complain about their relationships, when I have the opportunity to travel and go where I want, etc.), and times when I hate it; I'm at the age where a lot of my peers are starting to get engaged/married/have kids, and I kind of feel left out. Hearing some of my family members constantly lament my lack of experience/success with women doesn't make me feel too good about myself either.
A stat that jumps out at me is the divorce rate in the United States (nearly 50%). That's staggering. If you were going to go on a long drive in your car and were told you'd only have a 50-55% of surviving the trip, how quickly do you think you'd back out of going wherever you were going to go? That isn't even including all the people that stay in unhappy marriages for a variety of reasons. This leads me to believe that the occasional loneliness from being single has nothing on the misery of both the divorce process, and the thought of being with someone you are no longer in love with. Not saying I never want to get married, but I definitely don't want to rush into marriage or a relationship if the opportunity presents itself.
Who here has been single for a pretty long time, meaning 5+ years? By single I mean truly single and not in any relationship at all.
Have you been actively looking for all that time, are just passively looking or have you given up completely? Are you unhappy with your singleness or have you adapted to be happy with your situation?
A statistic that i've read is that 45% of the entire population of the United States is actually single but I think that does not take into account long term relationships and refers to only unmarried people. I wonder what the statistic is on people that are single in the true sense of the word.
I'm not single, but I belatedly came to realize I am Single By Nature.
Meaning, I am wired to be a life long single.
Married now for 20+ years. In retrospect I would not repeat.
If divorce weren't so painful (especially the $ aspect) who knows what I'd have done by now?
OK, my situation doesn't fit the OP's definition, but I've been single 80% of the time since my divorce 8 years ago. The exceptions were a 6 month, 10 month, and 3 month relationship. I don't really count the 3 month one. Before my divorce, I went 17 years without being single longer than a few months or so, including 3 long term relationships and a marriage. Now, its impossible. I think its my location and my age, although I look 10 years younger and stay in shape. Its so frustrating in the age of online dating and women having the attention span of a gnat because several men are pursuing them. I hate being single and just want to be married. I sewed my oats many years ago and again since my divorce. I don't need to have a revolving door of short term flings, nor do I want it. I just don't understand the mentality these days.
I think the desperation and negativity that comes across here on the board causes you to stay single. No offense, please. I have made that mistake in the past, too.
You may come across as too strong, too much marriage focussed, on a deadline to tie the knot, and too much complaining - any mentally healthy woman would run away. Take the pressure off. Be yourself, have fun, enjoy life and things will fall into place.
Location: In my cat's house, until she finds a better human servant
372 posts, read 390,338 times
Reputation: 812
Quote:
Originally Posted by NeedSun25
I was single for 8 or 9 years, and I am now in a relationship since January. I loved being single. I would do things alone or with a friend or a group of friends. I would have an occasional date here and there but nothing sparked my interest enough for additional dates.
I'm an old fashioned girl who likes to be pursued and asked for my number, asked out, etc. For this reason I never tried online dating. It wasn't the way I wanted to meet someone. I never really went looking for something I wasn't sure I wanted. I kept saying if someone comes along, I'll give it a shot, but if not, that's OK too.
My boyfriend and I were friends for several months before we got together. Apparently he thought I was good looking and fun, but thought I was out of his league. Around Christmas I had a little too much wine at a party and got a little flirty with him, and the rest is history.
I'm terrified of getting hurt but I'm giving this relationship everything I have. I truly think he is the one. Everyone kept telling me, when you meet the one, you'll just know.
Cool story, I wish you two the best. I don't want to do OLD either, I am perfectly comfortable with technology but want to meet someone in person. I'm ok with waiting until I meet the right guy, I think when the time is right that will happen. Until then I'll keep working on my goals of living my life as fully as possible and try to have more fun in between studying .
I think its my location and my age, although I look 10 years younger and stay in shape.
It isn't your location. Weddings take place in Butte, MT and places even more remote than that. It isn't your age, because weddings take place in Care Facilities. It isn't your level of fitness because out of shape guys are as likely as not to have someone to call theirs. More excuses?
Its so frustrating in the age of online dating and women having the attention span of a gnat because several men are pursuing them.
A good looking woman will have multiple men to consider whether she is online or not. Many women hate OLD as much as you do. But even on OLD there are serious women among the flakes. Just like real life. Serious doesn't mean 'desperate' or over eager. I don't think needing years to consider a second marriage to be all that unreasonable.
I hate being single and just want to be married. I sewed my oats many years ago and again since my divorce.
Now we are getting somewhere. This (IMO) is your problem, if you want to call it that. You conflate not being married with being single. You are unable to see that even the short term fling, for the time that it was underway, was potentially a prelude to something lasting. No one wants to be hustled into a marriage, unless they want to be hustled into a marriage. You'd be overjoyed if you could find a woman who would want to run to the Justice of the Peace after the first date at Starbuck's, but the majority of women want to be more measured than that. Especially as an adult.
I have been with my second wife for 13 years. We've 'only' been married for the last two! We likely wouldn't be married at all, if it weren't for the fact that she got this new job with a fantastic health plan that she put me on. They started taking $300 out of every paycheck (that's $600/mo) because I was listed as a Domestic Partner and not a legal Spouse. So we fixed that. Nothing else has changed. I can't detect the slightest difference in how our lives interact now that we are married vs when we were 'merely' living together.
I don't think it would be all that unreasonable of a woman who knows that you were married in the past to wonder why you want or need to be married again. Even if she isn't opposed to marriage, she might not understand your obvious discomfort with being in a relationship that is less defined. I'm not judging, just observing, since you seem a little incredulous that the women you meet aren't as understanding of your position.
You're reading something into this that I wasn't trying to communicate. I should have said "long lasting" instead of marriage. Just semantics, EXCEPT I do want kids and I do think that should be done in the context of a marriage. Thats my personal belief. So its more about a partner than marriage itself if you take the kids out of the picture, which I'm about to let go of because of my age. I would never rush a woman into marriage. It takes time to get to know someone. See thats the real issue, if thats what you're looking for. I'm running out of time to have kids unless I want to be an old dad. That doesn't mean I'll date someone for a month though and ask her to marry me. You're off base here.
I think the desperation and negativity that comes across here on the board causes you to stay single. No offense, please. I have made that mistake in the past, too.
You may come across as too strong, too much marriage focussed, on a deadline to tie the knot, and too much complaining - any mentally healthy woman would run away. Take the pressure off. Be yourself, have fun, enjoy life and things will fall into place.
Nope. I'm very different in person than how I come off on here. I don't express these things in person. I play it cool and take things slow. There's no deadline. I blew it the first time, and thats probably it for me as far as having kids and a family. Thats where I screwed up, but I'm not going to push or rush anything.
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