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Well, you DID kind of tell her that you reserved yourself an 'out' card, just in case she let you down. I like to think I'm a reasonably mature person, but if someone told ME that, I'd be irked too. Like..."How about you just leave now, and save us both the aggravation down the road." Cause now, you've kind of put it in her head that she has to perform to a certain standard for you.
And it seems to me, that arguing/fighting every other week, IS a lot. I don't even remember when my husband and I had our last serious argument. Maybe a year ago? Maybe longer than that?
Yes, looking back on that now, I can see how what I said could be taken that way, but it was not the point I was trying to make. And yes, arguing/fighting every other week might be a lot. But does that mean we should call it quits? If everything else is so great, isn't there a chance that this could be fixed?
Yes, looking back on that now, I can see how what I said could be taken that way, but it was not the point I was trying to make. And yes, arguing/fighting every other week might be a lot. But does that mean we should call it quits? If everything else is so great, isn't there a chance that this could be fixed?
I honestly don't really have a strong opinion on whether it's fixable or not. If I were you, I'd try to work it out, and no, I would not call it quits yet. Communication DOES seem to be the main problem here. I would suggest maybe the both of you coming up with 'safe words' to use when you start arguing. When the argument gets too heated, and it looks like anger and hurt feelings are just around the corner, each of you have a 'safe word', and both withdraw from the argument for the time being. BUT it needs to be agreed upon that after 12 hours, 24 hours...whatever works for you, the subject WILL be revisited...if both of you feel it still needs to be addressed. This time, without the emotional energy attached to it.
Do you care enough about her to do some relationship communications training together?
Sharing a course or book on the topic could bring you closer together, and increase your sense of investment in the relationship. If this one's for keeps, it won't hurt to do some work on it to prevent problems that will never go away on their own.
Think of it as a new car that you want to maintain for 300,000 miles. Time to read the owner's manual and learn how to take care of it.
Do you care enough about her to do some relationship communications training together?
Sharing a course or book on the topic could bring you closer together, and increase your sense of investment in the relationship. If this one's for keeps, it won't hurt to do some work on it to prevent problems that will never go away on their own.
Think of it as a new car that you want to maintain for 300,000 miles. Time to read the owner's manual and learn how to take care of it.
Wow, I think you may of just given me a golden piece of advice.
One thing we both like to do is read, and we currently are reading a book simultaneously (and discussing at different points). While the idea of seeking professional help may be a bit of a stretch this early in the relationship, perhaps reading a book together on communication among relationships would be a great kick starter to fixing this.
Great! If you present it to her that you want to be with her for a long time, and want to improve your chances of lasting love, she will likely be open to it. Just be sure not to give the impression that you think she (or the relationship) needs "fixing. Keep it positive and oriented to making a happy life together.
Wanted to get your advice on my situation. I met a girl about six months ago, and we hit it off right away, and became exclusive with each other a month into the relationship. She's a really great person, who shares many similar interests as me, is accepting of things I may do or enjoy that she doesn't (never nags me about them), and not to mention I am very attracted to her.
Recently (over the last five to six weeks) we have been getting in arguments roughly once every other week, to the point where we say we want to break up with each other. Of course it's always heat of the moment sayings, because we always make up within a day. I think these arguments stem from two things: one being that she is a bit insecure due to poor past relationships, and two being that I don't have a lot of relationship experience under my belt (being in my early thirties).
85% of the time, things are perfect with her, and I am the happiest I've been in a long time and I believe she is too. We talk about things we want to do together in the future (trips, activities, etc). But then there's that 15% of the time where one of us will say something the other person doesn't like, and instead of having a normal argument, we kind of spiral out of control into a complete yelling match.
I really don't want to lose her, but could it be that we are just not compatible and I am clinging onto this just because it's something new for me that I haven't had a lot of experience in? I would appreciate any and all advice.
Thanks!
Learn to pick your fights carefully. Both of you decide you're going to fight so it's not all one-sided. Never say you're going to leave or break up unless your bags are packed and you have one foot out the door. Never verbally hit below the belt and don't raise your voice. Have conversations, not confrontations. Don't criticize, call names or indulge in character assassination. Don't use terms like "you always" or "you never." They're not true anyway. Don't bring third parties into the fight. Don't be a right-fighter. Being right isn't as good as being in relationship. Sit close and even hold hands. It's hard to stay angry with someone you love when you're touching.
You got all the great relationship advices above. I couldn't say it better myself. The only thing that I can add that "the grass is not greener on the other side". If you feel really compatible with each other most of the time, and there's no major deal breakers, then work on it!
Here is something that will help you out, if you follow this advice. It may sound a little square but its fantastic for fixing these types of issues. Set aside a time each week, say Sunday afternoon, when you guys sit down and talk about any and all issues, difficulties or problems and follow through each and every week. What this does, is allows you to talk about your relationship problems openly, when you're not pissed off at each other - it works wonders. It also gives you a little ebit of time when you are really tuned in into each others needs, wants and state of your relationship in general. make sure that any criticism is constructive in nature, as to not turn this time into an unnecessary argument, and scale back as needed. you can follow up with a meal together or a date of sorts. give it a shot.
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