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Old 06-10-2017, 10:57 AM
 
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I've been wondering, based on threads about "he seemed so into me/everything was great, then he disappeared, or says he's "busy"", and my own experience...how long is too long to go without seeing someone, or for someone to want or make an effort to see you, before you know, it's over, and can move on...because a lot of these seem like there is always something going on to make you think that they have a good reason to be 'busy' or not be able to see you...like in another thread, a recent move, or in my case, a new job. And it seems the other person (usually the girl - or, the more interested/invested party at the time) always tries to be understanding and accommodating, and rationalize, just as I did, because we don't want to come out and say "well, this isn't working out" when they could in fact be busy and want to keep seeing you, and in my case I didn't want to cause any more stress or be a jerk when someone just started a new job...but, as pretty much everyone says, if they want to see you they will. Of course it was confusing in my case because he kept texting me every day, but in most cases they just stop or it dwindles, and of course in hindsight you see, that they just lost interest, but at the time it seems there is always a reason, always something going on or comes up to explain it...so, how long would you say is too long - or does it depend on the person/couple, because everyone is different, and some want to spend more time with people, while some like more alone time. So should you base it on the relationship itself, like if it was this much/often in the beginning, and now it's this much...

In the past, when I noticed things start declining, I thought hmm, well I guess they're just busy or wanted some alone time (as I do, so sort of welcome it at first), so I figure I'll just enjoy the time off and see what happens, but then when things don't pick back up...I didn't want to be the one to say anything, or know what to say, so I just went along, seeing how things went, until they eventually just stop contacting me, or I have to bring it up and ask what's going on, or basically force them to break up with me...and in the last 'relationship', I realize I wasted too much time and energy, thinking he would just break up with me or stop contacting me, as before (or at least make it more obvious), but I think maybe he was thinking the same thing, and that's why things went on for longer than they should have. So I'm just wondering how to hopefully not waste as much time on people in the future. (I don't have much relationship experience, at least long ones (if it wasn't obvious), so excuse my ignorance. )

Last edited by bikegal; 06-10-2017 at 11:25 AM..
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Old 06-10-2017, 11:09 AM
 
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark
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I'm not sure the waiting time issue is the key, here. You seem to have accepted that this guy is gone, already, and you actually may be searching for the "why" of it all?

I don't know about women, but men can lose interest in a woman often for reasons that do have something to do with compatibility, but often there are other factors that intervene that have nothing to do, directly, with the relationship...like work, a new new job, a move, family issues. I did this twice in dating days and I could kick myself for it.

But I don't think there's anything you can do, other than cancel him of your "list", as hard as that can be.
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Old 06-10-2017, 11:14 AM
 
Location: On the Candy Eye Island
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One week is my time limit.
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Old 06-10-2017, 11:23 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Frihed89 View Post
You seem to have accepted that this guy is gone, already, and you actually may be searching for the "why" of it all?
Well, I haven't dated in over a year...so yeah it's more about, trying to learn something from it I guess.

Quote:
I don't know about women, but men can lose interest in a woman often for reasons that do have something to do with compatibility, but often there are other factors that intervene that have nothing to do, directly, with the relationship...like work, a new new job, a move, family issues. I did this twice in dating days and I could kick myself for it.
that makes sense. and as I mentioned a new job was one factor. but then I figured, as everyone says, if he wants to see you he will.
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Old 06-10-2017, 11:28 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bikegal View Post
Well, I haven't dated in over a year...so yeah it's more about, trying to learn something from it I guess.



that makes sense. and as I mentioned a new job was one factor. but then I figured, as everyone says, if he wants to see you he will.
This is true.

IMO, no matter how busy someone is at the time, if they're truly interested in you, they'll find a way to see you or at least stay in contact with you.
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Old 06-10-2017, 11:32 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
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When You can tell you're an afterthought, not a priority.

When so much has happened in your life you can't possibly catch up, and he wouldn't really want to anyway.

I agree that no matter how busy, someone who loves you keeps you close in SOME way.
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Old 06-10-2017, 11:43 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Gretchen963 View Post
This is true.

IMO, no matter how busy someone is at the time, if they're truly interested in you, they'll find a way to see you or at least stay in contact with you.
that's what I figure, like I said there always seems to be a reason they say they're busy or at least have something going on that seems to explain it, but they're always busy in the beginning and 'make time', because of course you have to go all out (or sort of out) to get someone.

that was the confusing thing about the last guy, is that he would keep texting me for hours every night, when most people would just stop texting someone they didn't want to actually see. but then, since I'm such the psychoanalyst, I figured, maybe he just got so used to texting, and it was easier and more enjoyable to text and have someone to talk to, without having to leave their house...Idk. but like I said, it does seem that he met someone else, so maybe I was just the old standby to have nice texting conversations about his day, until he got the other girl.
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Old 06-10-2017, 11:54 AM
 
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and, when you do realize this...what do you say to bring it up and "rip the band-aid off", so to speak, or let them know that you aren't happy with the relationship, and that things need to change if they want it to continue... because that has been the main issue for me, as I did notice things changing in the past, and didn't want to be the one to bring it up or be the one to break up, or know what to say...and I think that's where I lost time, and "face", perhaps...I know people talk about having the "power", and being the dumper gives you the power, and I don't like to think like that, obviously since I never wanted to do it, but based on past experiences and wasting time and energy and "face" on people...
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Old 06-10-2017, 12:01 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,619,721 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bikegal View Post
and, when you do realize this...what do you say to bring it up and "rip the band-aid off", so to speak, or let them know that you aren't happy with the relationship, and that things need to change if they want it to continue... because that has been the main issue for me, as I did notice things changing in the past, and didn't want to be the one to bring it up or be the one to break up, or know what to say...and I think that's where I lost time, and "face", perhaps...I know people talk about having the "power", and being the dumper gives you the power, and I don't like to think like that, obviously since I never wanted to do it, but based on past experiences and wasting time and energy and "face" on people...
If it's just dating, I would not say anything. I would just fade out and let them figure it out.
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Old 06-10-2017, 12:21 PM
 
Location: Middle of the valley
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When DH and I were dating he had two jobs and kids, so he was busy. BUT it was clear he was busy and interested in me. There were daily texts/calls, making plans for days that were free, heck he would come over just to sleep because that was the only time available.

Someone that would go no contact for a week on a regular basis? Not interested.
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