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I am not saying this to attack you, but I really don't understand not wanting to date a woman whose children are grown or nearly grown. Can you explain why that is a problem?
Not wanting to date a woman with an 8 year old I understand, but if she has a 17 year old or a 20 year old, or all of her kids are grown and out of the house, why does it matter? I have some theories, but I'd like to hear your reason from you.
I'm in my early 40s. If a woman my age has kids, they're probably not grown and on their own yet. Even teens still demand a great deal of their parents' time, at least that's what I've seen from my friends and coworkers who have kids that age.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,957,550 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane
I'm in my early 40s. If a woman my age has kids, they're probably not grown and on their own yet. Even teens still demand a great deal of their parents' time, at least that's what I've seen from my friends and coworkers who have kids that age.
Yeah, I'm 45. The women I know with kids have kids that are 5-12 or so. I'm ok with dating people with kids (though they rarely write me), but it is a challenge in flexibility of scheduling, and a bigger challenge in spontaneity.
I'm in my early 40s. If a woman my age has kids, they're probably not grown and on their own yet. Even teens still demand a great deal of their parents' time, at least that's what I've seen from my friends and coworkers who have kids that age.
So basically you want someone who will focus solely on you?
Because when adults live in a house with kids, every adult needs to be able to discipline. Just as if a neighbor was at my house and witnessed my kids doing something that I missed, I would hope the neighbor would step in and tell the kids to knock it off.
You are seeming to forget the part where that statement was the first time he mentioned anything about marriage, and we'd just been dating a couple of months.
I didn't like any of his presumption.
IMO, OF COURSE if I'm considering marrying someone, I've taken into consideration if I trust this person around my kids, and if I trust this person to fairly and equitably dish out discipline.
We were NOT at that point in life, and I resented his assumption otherwise.
You are seeming to forget the part where that statement was the first time he mentioned anything about marriage, and we'd just been dating a couple of months.
I didn't like any of his presumption.
IMO, OF COURSE if I'm considering marrying someone, I've taken into consideration if I trust this person around my kids, and if I trust this person to fairly and equitably dish out discipline.
We were NOT at that point in life, and I resented his assumption otherwise.
Apparently you missed the part where I said if adults live in the house, they need to be able to discipline. I was not even responding to your post.
So basically you want someone who will focus solely on you?
How did you ascertain this from what he wrote? It sounds like he simply has a preference for women his age who, like himself, don't have children that would demand alot of their time. That's not even unreasonable, but you're saying that he wants someone who will focus on him, and him only.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,957,550 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrowningPoeFrost
How did you ascertain this from what he wrote? It sounds like he simply has a preference for women his age who, like himself, don't have children that would demand alot of their time. That's not even unreasonable, but you're saying that he wants someone who will focus on him, and him only.
I'm in my early 40s. If a woman my age has kids, they're probably not grown and on their own yet. Even teens still demand a great deal of their parents' time, at least that's what I've seen from my friends and coworkers who have kids that age.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrowningPoeFrost
How did you ascertain this from what he wrote? It sounds like he simply has a preference for women his age who, like himself, don't have children that would demand alot of their time. That's not even unreasonable, but you're saying that he wants someone who will focus on him, and him only.
My question to you is, why are you going there?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Timberline742
Yeah, didn't follow that either.
Well, let me put it another way. If the concern is that teens and older/grown kids are going to demand a great deal of time, then why isn't there a restriction on other things that take a great deal of time and attention?
Do you also ask that they not have any aging parents? Because, believe me, aging relatives sure do take up a lot of time and energy, and it's something that most of us will have to deal with at some point.
The average, healthy person will have a hobby or two, some of which take up a great deal of time and energy. Do you make sure she doesn't have any demanding hobbies? How about a demanding job? Doctors, nurses, lawyers, teachers, etc. -all jobs that take a great deal of time, and might have irregular schedules or work that comes home, interfering with "spontaneity."
What about a big, extended family? Big families like mine - even if I didn't have kids - there is a birthday, graduation, anniversary, baby shower, wedding, funeral, sports thing, church thing, party, cookout, sleepover, etc. almost every week. That takes up a lot of time.
My point, in case you can't discern it, is that saying "no kids because they take up time" is a cop out. If you don't want to be around kids, of any age, then be honest about it. Don't make up reasons like a 15 year old is going to take up too much of mom's time so you're not interested in dating her.
Btw, I am 42 and I have a 17 year old and a 23 year old. I have no idea why you would just assume that all the women your age have little ones at home.
At age 50 and newly divorced I found that I was suddenly a "person of interest" to women at or around my age - some a bit younger - because I was well employed, dressed well, was in excellent shape and not unattractive. There were more single and divorced women available than there were men (he best ones were already taken syndrome) in that age group and a number of the ones I already knew either made it known they were interested or, if married, had a friend "who would love to meet me." It drove me crazy!
But for the fact that I'm reclusive since the death of my wife a few days over a month ago, at just a few weeks shy of 71 I'm sure the syndrome would repeat itself with an older cohort as women usually outlive men. I'm not about to try to find out. No thanks!
Why? Wouldn't your wife want you to be happy now too? I can see not getting *married* again, an unnecessary complication of your life - but, like me, you are old, but not dead yet...
I say cram as much "gusto" into every day you get on this side of the grass. We are soon enough dead and for a long time too. Understand that you are grieving, and for now that makes sense. What does not make sense to me is for you to dedicate the rest of your life to grief.
You know, I really do know this gal, recently retired, 70 or maybe 71 now, who *really* does not look her age...
Well, let me put it another way. If the concern is that teens and older/grown kids are going to demand a great deal of time, then why isn't there a restriction on other things that take a great deal of time and attention?
Do you also ask that they not have any aging parents? Because, believe me, aging relatives sure do take up a lot of time and energy, and it's something that most of us will have to deal with at some point.
The average, healthy person will have a hobby or two, some of which take up a great deal of time and energy. Do you make sure she doesn't have any demanding hobbies? How about a demanding job? Doctors, nurses, lawyers, teachers, etc. -all jobs that take a great deal of time, and might have irregular schedules or work that comes home, interfering with "spontaneity."
What about a big, extended family? Big families like mine - even if I didn't have kids - there is a birthday, graduation, anniversary, baby shower, wedding, funeral, sports thing, church thing, party, cookout, sleepover, etc. almost every week. That takes up a lot of time.
My point, in case you can't discern it, is that saying "no kids because they take up time" is a cop out. If you don't want to be around kids, of any age, then be honest about it. Don't make up reasons like a 15 year old is going to take up too much of mom's time so you're not interested in dating her.
Btw, I am 42 and I have a 17 year old and a 23 year old. I have no idea why you would just assume that all the women your age have little ones at home.
I think you're grasping at straws here.
Kids are always going to be a priority, as they should be. I think that's the real crux. There's not as much flexibility, especially with younger kids, as there is with hobbies, other family, etc.
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