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Old 06-18-2017, 06:29 AM
 
9,952 posts, read 6,590,339 times
Reputation: 19655

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Quote:
Originally Posted by NewYorker11356 View Post
Or around 35 may just be his ideal target age range. Plenty of guys have kids in their mid 30's (where that also happened to be their ideal age to have them). My dad and uncle did.
The OP is in the UK, where the average age for a man's first marriage is 33 according to the link provided. I would say that 35 is probably not even late there, but closer to average. It's not unreasonable for someone to want to be doing the same things as his friends/peers in the same age bracket.

Particularly in larger cities, people tend to wait longer to have kids because it's just too expensive to be able to afford them. You have to have a bigger place, pay for childcare, and of course pay for all the things that go along with having a child that tend to be more expensive in large cities. The OP is simply not being realistic right now with wanting kids in 2-3 years. They aren't even financially in a place to do so if she's excited that they can afford their own flat.

 
Old 06-18-2017, 11:18 AM
 
Location: Bloomington IN
8,590 posts, read 12,250,767 times
Reputation: 24242
If you cannot have this adult discussion with the man you with whom you want to have a child, you certainly should not be having a baby with him and are not ready yourself.

It's not out of reach, but you both have some maturing to do. Big difference between working and supporting oneself and being a parent. Supporting oneself is just the first step.
 
Old 06-18-2017, 11:47 AM
 
Location: Southern California
29,267 posts, read 16,590,367 times
Reputation: 18902
I sure agree with the above comments. Brains are good to have.
 
Old 06-18-2017, 03:54 PM
 
30,864 posts, read 36,783,047 times
Reputation: 34421
Quote:
Originally Posted by carnivalday View Post
Why are you asking everyone but your boyfriend? Seems like he's the only one who can give you an answer. If he really means he wants to wait until he's 35, then it seems likely he really doesnt want kids. When it comes to marriage and kids, a man can just kick that can on down the road as long as he wants.
^^This.

For heaven's sake, he's 22!!!! Most 22 year old guys don't want kids. They want to have fun. They don't consider kids fun.

And some guys never want kids. Ever.

As jimrich said:

Guys can be very happy to just have regular sex WITHOUT any kids to complicate things!

This is especially true of 22 year old guys.

I think the OP needs to read the above quote about 100 times.

Last edited by mysticaltyger; 06-18-2017 at 04:03 PM..
 
Old 06-19-2017, 03:47 AM
 
97 posts, read 61,227 times
Reputation: 170
For all of you making a point of how young OP's 22 year-old BF is, OP was 22 when they moved in. Was OP too young to start thinking about a family at that age too? If OP was the same age, but a man with a 22 year-old GF, would you all still be saying that 22 is too young for a woman to desire starting a family?

Will OP's boyfriend still be "too young" at OP's current age, 25?

The way I see it, the 21-35 age range is broadly the age when people who want families should start thinking about them.
 
Old 06-19-2017, 05:04 AM
 
14 posts, read 9,342 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewYorker11356 View Post
Or around 35 may just be his ideal target age range. Plenty of guys have kids in their mid 30's (where that also happened to be their ideal age to have them). My dad and uncle did.
I do understand this! But, this mostly applies to people who have gotten into a relationship in their 30’s and have decided to start a family then…
Me and my boyfriend have already been in a relationship for 5 and a half years. I was 19 and he was 17 when we first got into a relationship.

I would looove to have a baby! I’m starting to think about it all the time and I know it’s something I really want for us to have, as a family together…

If we end up waiting until my boyfriend is 35, then we will have being together for 19 years before we even start a family…

IS 19 YEARS NOT AN UNBEARABLY EXCESSIVE WAIT...?????????????????

I understand that children need stability and financial resources to back them, but me and my boyfriend are not 13 years away from having this. My boyfriend already has a stable and well-paid job, he is making $44,000, as well as having company benefits…

Our baby will need love, and support from me and my boyfriend and our families’. We will be able to provide it with everything it needs as we have the finances, I am sure of it…

Why does my boyfriend feel the need to wait for 13 years? At what cost? Is it for financial reasons or what??????????????????? Is it because I'd be unable to support a baby by myself?
 
Old 06-19-2017, 05:18 AM
 
Location: Queens, NY
4,525 posts, read 3,387,103 times
Reputation: 6030
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenteawithmint View Post
I do understand this! But, this mostly applies to people who have gotten into a relationship in their 30’s and have decided to start a family then…
Me and my boyfriend have already been in a relationship for 5 and a half years. I was 19 and he was 17 when we first got into a relationship.

I would looove to have a baby! I’m starting to think about it all the time and I know it’s something I really want for us to have, as a family together…

If we end up waiting until my boyfriend is 35, then we will have being together for 19 years before we even start a family…

IS 19 YEARS NOT AN UNBEARABLY EXCESSIVE WAIT...?????????????????

I understand that children need stability and financial resources to back them, but me and my boyfriend are not 13 years away from having this. My boyfriend already has a stable and well-paid job, he is making $44,000, as well as having company benefits…

Our baby will need love, and support from me and my boyfriend and our families’. We will be able to provide it with everything it needs as we have the finances, I am sure of it…

Why does my boyfriend feel the need to wait for 13 years? At what cost? Is it for financial reasons or what??????????????????? Is it because I'd be unable to support a baby by myself?
Early-mid 30's is generally the ideal age that a lot of men have kids. While you two have been in a relationship for 5 and a half years, he's still just 22. It's really no surprise he doesn't want kids (at least not right now).
 
Old 06-19-2017, 06:38 AM
 
1,112 posts, read 874,191 times
Reputation: 2408
He is just not that in to you? Or maybe he is only 22. Or maybe....you need to move on.

Mae
 
Old 06-19-2017, 08:25 AM
 
Location: In the cold, dark wasteland of eternity...
926 posts, read 670,226 times
Reputation: 1525
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenteawithmint View Post
Why does my boyfriend feel the need to wait for 13 years?
Maybe because he remembers when you told him that you'd "be ready" to start having children in "6 to 7 YEARS". And even if you re-discuss this with him and tell him that you were 'downplaying' that time frame and that you actually want to start having children 'sooner', he's going to wonder why you changed your mind about the time frame...

The fact that he always checks to make sure you bought your birth control pills and that you're taking them, along with the fact that he always refers to having children in the 'distant future' is very telling.

Honestly OP, I don't think your 22 year old boyfriend is anywhere near ready to even start seriously thinking about having a baby...let alone actually being ready to have one within your desired time frame. This fact may or may not be a deal breaker for you, Idk. But, it's not fair for you to resent your boyfriend for not sharing your desire to have a baby within the next 1 to 2 years. He's 3 years behind you...and, while that might not sound like such a huge disparity age-wise, for him it probably is.

I think you screwed up when you told him that you wanted to wait 6 to 7 years to have a baby. For all this time, this is what he has been going by with regard to your time frame. And when you told him that, he was probably relieved and went, "Whew! Thank God she doesn't want to start having kids right away..."

Before your resentment towards your boyfriend builds up even further - which will slowly begin to poison your relationship (if it hasn't started to do so already) - you'll need to sit down with him and tell him the TRUTH about what you really want with regard to starting a family; and explain to him why you 'downplayed' the time frame you gave him the first time. If his goals of having a baby don't start to align with yours, you may need to figure out if you want to wait 13 years with your boyfriend or break up with him and find another guy who wants to have a baby with you within your desired time frame.

Good luck OP. You're gonna need it.
 
Old 06-19-2017, 09:30 AM
 
14 posts, read 9,342 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by AprilFlowers17 View Post
Maybe because he remembers when you told him that you'd "be ready" to start having children in "6 to 7 YEARS". And even if you re-discuss this with him and tell him that you were 'downplaying' that time frame and that you actually want to start having children 'sooner', he's going to wonder why you changed your mind about the time frame...

The fact that he always checks to make sure you bought your birth control pills and that you're taking them, along with the fact that he always refers to having children in the 'distant future' is very telling.

Honestly OP, I don't think your 22 year old boyfriend is anywhere near ready to even start seriously thinking about having a baby...let alone actually being ready to have one within your desired time frame. This fact may or may not be a deal breaker for you, Idk. But, it's not fair for you to resent your boyfriend for not sharing your desire to have a baby within the next 1 to 2 years. He's 3 years behind you...and, while that might not sound like such a huge disparity age-wise, for him it probably is.

I think you screwed up when you told him that you wanted to wait 6 to 7 years to have a baby. For all this time, this is what he has been going by with regard to your time frame. And when you told him that, he was probably relieved and went, "Whew! Thank God she doesn't want to start having kids right away..."

Before your resentment towards your boyfriend builds up even further - which will slowly begin to poison your relationship (if it hasn't started to do so already) - you'll need to sit down with him and tell him the TRUTH about what you really want with regard to starting a family; and explain to him why you 'downplayed' the time frame you gave him the first time. If his goals of having a baby don't start to align with yours, you may need to figure out if you want to wait 13 years with your boyfriend or break up with him and find another guy who wants to have a baby with you within your desired time frame.

Good luck OP. You're gonna need it.
I understand that I told him I'd be ready in 6 to 7 years. But, I answered first. I asked him the same question and he said that 35 would be a good age to have a child...

FROM THIS, he more or less doubled the time I told him in which I'd be ready. (I said 6 or 7 years and he said that 35 years would be a good age to have a child, as we had this conversation approximately 2 years ago... he was effectively saying that he would be ready to have a child in 15 years.) 15 YEARS IS MORE THAN DOUBLE 6 OR 7 YEARS...

IF I'D HAVE SAID IN 1 0R 2 YEARS? HOW WOULD HE HAVE ANSWERED????

Would his answer have changed based on mine???
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