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"Some say that an affair or cheating can actually HELP a marriage/relationship become stronger"
"Some" who say that are usually those who look for moral justification for their actions in order to combat their conscience that keeps reminding them of their betrayal of their loved one.
"Some" who say that are usually those who look for moral justification for their actions in order to combat their conscience that keeps reminding them of their betrayal of their loved one.
Agree. The crap my ex came up with was unreal, swearing she never did anything but then having the audacity to say stuff like 'im not willing to discuss that' when asked about things, and "i knew it was over so its ok" and you did xyz so I didn't care about you any more.
In these peoples minds, two wrongs DO make a right, and they come up with all sorts of fake justifications to themselves (and anyone stupid enough to believe them). In my mind thats really the terrible thing, they try and flip it all around on the other person like its THEIR fault that they have driven them to cheating...
Few men or women I know would respond well to the "wake-up" approach of an affair. Having an affair is generally viewed as an absolute "bad", for which there "should" be no forgiveness and, from which recovery is very rare, as a result.
Cheaters fool themselves into believe what ever they have to believe in order to continue the affair.
The cheaters are that sure they are in the right. Amazing.
Am experiencing this right now. For 21 years I brought in 100% of the income, did 90% of the housecleaning, paid phone bills for my MIL (whom I adore), did my share or more of caregiving and raising of the kids including a stepson, etc.
Now that my wife is on the cusp of finishing cosmetology school and having income, she moves in with a well-to-do man she fell in love with, saying "I know it's selfish of me, and I don't want to hurt you and the kids, but I need this and I'm doing it. You've been useless to me for years."
I am proud of her for doing well in school and sticking with something, and I do wish for her happiness. I love her still but it's hard not to get a little bitter, feel a little shafted. I always pictured us in rocking chairs together.
It is true my health precluded me being a good husband to her in some ways, but I wish we could have talked about how she was feeling and what she needed.
What I take from this is: trusting people is for suckers, and before you cheat, you should have a sit-down with your current SO and tell them "I am sorry about this but I have feelings for another person. Before I move on that, I would like to break off what we have so I can move on to a new chapter in my life."
That's not going to save anybody any pain, but at least it's honest and up front. Somehow that seems like it would count for something...
If it never resulted in actual physical cheating I think it was selfish of him to tell you. He should have just ended the "friendship" when he realized it was turning in to something more. By telling you about it all he was doing was trying to shift some of the guilt he was feeling on to your shoulders. That was not your cross to bear.
I don't agree.
I had an employee who was absolutely wonderful. She was smart, funny, absolutely gorgeous, hardworking, dedicated, and loyal. She was one of those very rare people with whom you have instant chemistry on the job, the kind that leads to friendship. She was a sweet, churchgoing woman with a great husband and two teenaged boys, and we traveled together a great deal on business.
Mind you, my belief is that you should never have a conversation with someone that you wouldn't have with your spouse standing beside you. And this employee wasn't any exception. I mean, hey, I'm a guy, and I recognized her as an attractive, desirable woman, but I wasn't interested in crossing any lines.
One day, we were eating dinner together in another city before a client presentation the next morning. We were having our usual rambling conversation. I don't remember exactly how the subject came up, but we somehow talked about people we knew who stepped out on their spouses.
I joked, "There's no way I'd have an affair. My wife would kill me." To that, she simply looked me dead in the eye and said, "I'd have an affair. As long as it was someone I trusted." You could have knocked me over with a feather, for she would have been the last person on the planet I would have thought would say that. I had no doubt, at that moment, that she was issuing an invitation. That if I weren't really careful in what I said we would be getting into serious trouble.
I just changed the subject to the next day's meeting. But I did indeed tell my wife about the conversation a few days later. I chose my moment because this was a really valuable employee, but I told her nonetheless. Because the last thing I wanted to do is let that conversation fester and let my imagination run away with me. If I had been single? In a heartbeat. But as a married man? No freaking way.
The employee was soon afterward diagnosed with cancer and passed away a year and a half later. And I certainly miss my friend and colleague. But I have zero regrets about being honest with my wife.
Very few people will be willing to trust another after a direct breach of what is understood is crossing those lines.
That goes for anything that may be considered "boundary breaking"
It's not impossible that it could serve to put you back on the right track with one another, but it's less likely that the trust needed to be immediately placed back after such an event to strengthen your bond would be willing to be placed there in the first place.
I had a friend who was irate that her BF had cheated, when I reminded her that she had done the same thing.
Her: "I'm physic about things like that, so I just knew, so it's okay that I did it"
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To me cheating is a huge heart attack to a marriage. You may survive it, but more often than not you won't. Really depends on a lot of variables like if the couple still genuinely loves each other, is there still attraction, is the marriage healthy enough to recover, etc. Some couples are strong enough to work things out. Others, like an unwise buddy of mine, will always be in the doghouse and have a shared facebook account.
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Haha. More like 10 excuses to justify your cheating, lol
