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Old 07-10-2017, 09:11 AM
 
1,825 posts, read 1,407,847 times
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Gay guy here.

When it comes to emotions, I am pretty strong and level headed, but one of my biggest fears ever is being cheated on and its a major weakness. I think it's a trauma from childhood. My father is a serial cheater. I was present (at 7 years old) when my mom discovered him cheating on her which I remember like it was yesterday. Since then my dad was married 3 more times, he cheated on two of the other wives, and in his last one, she cheated on him.

Between marriages, my dad always had girlfriends and he was always cheating on them. When I was 10 years old he had two girlfriends, and he made my sister and I pick which one we preferred and he would dump the other one and propose to the other one based on our decision. Currently, he is divorced from his last wife, but he is now dating a woman who is cheating on her husband who is dying of cancer. Before that he was cheating on her with another woman who was also married. Everyone else in my family is single (happily), and mostly due because they divorced because they were cheated on. Issues with cheating run rampant in my family. The only exception is my sister and her husband who are going in 8 years strong. But 90% of my family members are divorced due to infidelity.

With that being said I am the opposite. I don't tolerate cheating and I would never do it. It's one of my core values. I might have other negative traits but that's not one of them. I refuse to hookup with anyone that's in a relationship even if they have an open relationship. But I have learned that cheating is quite rampant in the gay world, and I am not gonna lie it terrifies me.

Fast forward to now. I just started dating someone and the thoughts are starting to flood in. Nothing drastic though. He is actually one of my best friends, and we have built a wonderful friendship already built on trust, respect, etc. The romantic relationship while brand new has been hot, heavy, and intense. Unfortunately, he had to travel to another country for few weeks for work, cue in the "what if" thoughts here and there. And it's not even about him cheating on me but sometimes I start to think what if he thinks I am cheating on him while he is gone?

Basically, my fear is unfounded with him and I realize it. He has given me ZERO reasons to believe he would as I have to him. If anything the quite opposite. Back about 8 months ago when we were strictly just friends he told me how he had hooked up with someone who just became exclusive with someone else (first time he did something like that), and he felt so guilty and it's not something he would do again. Also around that time when we were just friends he told me that he doesn't believe in open relationships at all that he prefers strict monogamy. Before he went away for his work trip he told me that when he gets back, to get ready because he is going to have so much pent up sexual energy from not having me for all those weeks. He's also someone who wants to be in a dedicated relationship and have a partner.

So, I am not thinking he is doing anything or going to do anything. That's actually not the case. I trust him. But the "what if" questions and scenarios are starting to pop up, and I just want to learn how to maintain and control it so I don't say or do anything stupid. I don't want the fear to grow and take over to make me paranoid.

I recently had a chat with one of my best friends recently, who also had similar experience growing up with her dad being a serial cheater. She told me it's tough coming from a place like that but she said that only thing you can do is trust your partner, and take it one day at a time.

I really really really like this guy, and at the same time one of my best friends, I just want to make sure that these unfounded fears of cheating are controlled. Has anyone gone through anything similar?
I am thinking of getting therapy for it as our relationship continues to progress, and even have an open chat with the guy I am dating just letting him know some of the struggles I am working on with that regard, but they have nothing to do with him, just my past (which is true). Being that we have been good friends for a year, he is fully aware that my fear of being cheated on exists too, so it's no news to him. What do you all think?

Also I suffer from overanalyzing EVERYTHING. Not just this topic, but everything else in life.
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Old 07-10-2017, 09:19 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,655,659 times
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Your friend is right. Trust is all you have.

Love requires risk, and you have to make yourself vulnerable in order to really love someone. So ...

Even though you had a HORRIBLE model for relationships growing up, you have to accept the fact that (thankfully) every man on earth is not like your dad.

I do think therapy just to discuss that aspect of your childhood would be very helpful, but I don't know that you need to tell your BF just yet. Just consider it part of the regular maintenance of yourself to make YOU a stronger partner.

Go back and read the parts of your post where you describe the type of guy he is and the strong friendship you already have, and relax.

Don't make your life a self-fufilling prophecy.
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Old 07-10-2017, 09:20 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
16,961 posts, read 17,258,316 times
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Don't think about getting therapy; go to therapy for your trust issues.
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Old 07-10-2017, 09:28 AM
 
1,825 posts, read 1,407,847 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
Your friend is right. Trust is all you have.

Love requires risk, and you have to make yourself vulnerable in order to really love someone. So ...

Even though you had a HORRIBLE model for relationships growing up, you have to accept the fact that (thankfully) every man on earth is not like your dad.

I do think therapy just to discuss that aspect of your childhood would be very helpful, but I don't know that you need to tell your BF just yet. Just consider it part of the regular maintenance of yourself to make YOU a stronger partner.

Go back and read the parts of your post where you describe the type of guy he is and the strong friendship you already have, and relax.

Don't make your life a self-fufilling prophecy.
I've actually been good at focusing on good relationships. When these thoughts start to come up in my head, I look at the healthy relationships I am close to. One of my best friends has been with her husband for 8 years. Another friend has been with his girlfriend for 13 years. My friend who gave me advice has been with her husband for 10 years. I know several friends like that. And I will say when those "what if" thoughts pop up in my head, I try to reshift the focus from my dad over to them.

I think something I need to finally let out is when I was with my mom when she found out my dad was cheating on her when I was 7. To this day that event has left me with scars, I don't talk about it with anyone (only person I ever have was my sister) and when I do think about it (even as I type it up) I get emotional or teary eyed.

So I think it's something I defintiely need to work on.
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Old 07-10-2017, 09:29 AM
 
1,825 posts, read 1,407,847 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hawaiiancoconut View Post
Don't think about getting therapy; go to therapy for your trust issues.
Actually I made an appointment for next week. I want this relationship to work so I realize I need to work on myself as it progresses, asap.
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Old 07-10-2017, 09:30 AM
 
10,497 posts, read 6,954,912 times
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Courage is the foundation of all happiness. If you lack courage, you will lack happiness.

And part of that courage is trust.
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Old 07-10-2017, 09:30 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,655,659 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by frimpter928 View Post
Actually I made an appointment for next week. I want this relationship to work so I realize I need to work on myself as it progresses, asap.
Awesome
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Old 07-10-2017, 09:34 AM
 
651 posts, read 405,887 times
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I have similar values and, like you, I have that fear as well. The main problem is that people who cheat dont even fully understand why they do it. Even when people are in good relationships it could still be a possibility.

One could be a great partner - positive, confident and trusting - and still get cheated on. That really IS scary. There is no sense to it.
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Old 07-10-2017, 09:48 AM
 
1,825 posts, read 1,407,847 times
Reputation: 2345
Quote:
Originally Posted by MinivanDriver View Post
Courage is the foundation of all happiness. If you lack courage, you will lack happiness.

And part of that courage is trust.
You're right. And I have to build that courage. Maybe this guy is the one that will force to finally make that move.
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Old 07-10-2017, 11:20 AM
 
33,387 posts, read 34,679,642 times
Reputation: 20028
you cant control what others will do, you can only control your own actions. you also have to learn to get rid of the fears in your life, and this one seems to be the biggest one at this point. i got over it(my fear of my SOs cheating on me) many years ago by realizing that they are individuals and that i had no control over them.

if you love something, or someone, let them go, if they come back it was meant to be, if they dont, you have two options, recognize it was never meant to be, or hunt them down and kill them. option one is the best by the way, its the least trouble since you dont have to hide the body
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