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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL
I think you know what I mean though.
"You should date all kinds of people, lots and lots of people, many people at once. Of course you're not having a physical relationship with any of them, not without a commitment first."
That's something my friend BB's mom told her in the 70s. Date lots of boys, kiss them, but no more.
Of course that isn't reality. It isn't fun and it isn't smart.
When I started dating again I learned it was a whole different game than it was 20 years ago. I hoped this forum might help me learn the new rules. I thought wrong. I learned to recognize which members can be trusted to give genuine helpful and kindly advice and which members should be ignored. There are some genuinely nice people here, and plenty that aren’t so nice too. As in real life, proceed with caution. Even among the good people there are differences in opinion, so I haven’t really learned anything new. It is entertaining though! I’ve come to the conclusion there really are no rules today and I should just “know thyself” and “to thine own self be true.” Then hope for the best!
+1.
There really isn't much I've learned, as far as dating and relationships go. I didn't venture in CD-R much when I first joined in '09. It wasn't until I came back years later, after having been separated from my first husband and going through a divorce. My views on the modern dating culture and dating and relationship dynamics, etc., hasn't really changed, though they've evolved overtime through periods of introspection, research and study. I take what's discussed here with a grain of salt, as is the case on most other forums and groups I frequent. I realized early on that CD-R, or certain attitudes and worldviews about dating/relationships, is not representative of offline or "real life." While I understand dating sites aren't the preferred medium for many, and it has its definite ups and downs, the notion that it "doesn't really work except in few cases" is such a stark contrast to not just my experiences, but the experiences of the men I've dated and a large number of friends and acquaintances. I did a poll just for fun in one of my groups (all women), and something like 38% met their husbands/SOs on a dating site, a smaller percentage met on forums and online games (MMOs). And these aren't "top 20% of men." They're regular guys.
When I started dating again I learned it was a whole different game than it was 20 years ago. I hoped this forum might help me learn the new rules. I thought wrong. I learned to recognize which members can be trusted to give genuine helpful and kindly advice and which members should be ignored. There are some genuinely nice people here, and plenty that aren’t so nice too. As in real life, proceed with caution. Even among the good people there are differences in opinion, so I haven’t really learned anything new. It is entertaining though! I’ve come to the conclusion there really are no rules today and I should just “know thyself” and “to thine own self be true.” Then hope for the best! k:
Has it really changed that much? I mean a person's sensibilities are what they are, I'm assuming that if I were out there again single at my age and the women I would be looking for would be around my age and generally, loosely speaking have similar life views from a generational standpoint. It would seems like the thing that would be different would be the conduit or way to meet men. The dynamics there are obviously different than before all of the social media and dating apps and internet in general, but human nature is human nature. I do agree that these new "conduits" of meeting people seem to change the game to a degree, but once someone actually sits down and meets with people, has it really changed that much??? I don't know, not out there.
There are very few rules that matter. I have learned a LOT in the last few years, if not necessarily from here...some of the important stuff:
1. Consent is all. Everyone has it, everyone can give or withhold it, and enthusiastic, informed consent should rule all interactions.
2. Assumptions are stupid. What my Mom taught me about the word, "ASSUME" is true. Always communicate. If somebody can't handle your honesty, you don't need 'em. I got bent about one guy I liked once who was scared away by my forthright approach, my "cards on the table" talk of who I am and what I need and want in life and love. He needed to be the pursuer, and a woman who was prepared to honestly approach was disturbing to him. Too bold. Guess I was supposed to pretend to be shy and coy and embarrassed about things or something? Well at first I was bent out of shape about it...but I continued to know him through social media and saw how his relationships worked out (badly) and later realized I'd dodged a bullet bigtime. Playing games gets you into trouble in the long run. Honest connections are better connections.
3. "Your kink is not my kink, and that's ok." So long as we're talking about consenting adult relationships, don't judge people for being into something you aren't. It might make you incompatible, but it doesn't make someone a bad person.
4. We're all just making this up as we go. I've been in poly and in BDSM communities and sometimes I encounter people who think that there are set rules to how these things, even really unconventional relationship types, are SUPPOSED to be done. No, you're only doing it wrong if the people involved aren't happy in it. Some people make fun of this mentality, the "One Twue Way" thinking, they call it. Seriously, be flexible. Make your own rules. Just respect yourself and others in the process and you'll be fine. Life is too short to live miserably following somebody else's script that doesn't work for you.
I agree with much of what you say, especially the bolded.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL
Very good points! Agreed. If you get judgemental advice, don't take it seriously enough to get defensive or respond, only you know you.
For example: One would have a hard time finding an opinion from a woman here about having sex, without being in a committed relationship. It doesn't seem to be an acceptable thing to admit, even though we are all annonymous and it's not a true reflection of the dating population.
If all women truly never had sex without a commitment first, and the anticipated event turns out to be really awful... how does that conversation go? -- "You know that monogamous commitment I asked for earlier?... well I'm having second thoughts...."
You do you, and opinions from others are just something to think about. They might not be following their OWN advice. Live and learn.
There was a day when I believed a person should be married before having sex. No exceptions. I don’t believe that today. So not only has dating changed in the past 20 years, but I have changed as well, for the better I believe. It’s not easy giving up the strict conservative values I once lived. And to be honest, I don’t want to give them all up. Learning what I am willing to accept and what I am not is a process. I don’t expect others to live by my choices and I won’t live by theirs. I do not judge. I hope not be judged. It hurts! Tolerance and mutual respect is hoped for and strived for but unfortunately not always returned. Developing a thicker skin is also a process!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Metaphysique
+1.
There really isn't much I've learned, as far as dating and relationships go. I didn't venture in CD-R much when I first joined in '09. It wasn't until I came back years later, after having been separated from my first husband and going through a divorce. My views on the modern dating culture and dating and relationship dynamics, etc., hasn't really changed, though they've evolved overtime through periods of introspection, research and study. I take what's discussed here with a grain of salt, as is the case on most other forums and groups I frequent. I realized early on that CD-R, or certain attitudes and worldviews about dating/relationships, is not representative of offline or "real life." While I understand dating sites aren't the preferred medium for many, and it has its definite ups and downs, the notion that it "doesn't really work except in few cases" is such a stark contrast to not just my experiences, but the experiences of the men I've dated and a large number of friends and acquaintances. I did a poll just for fun in one of my groups (all women), and something like 38% met their husbands/SOs on a dating site, a smaller percentage met on forums and online games (MMOs). And these aren't "top 20% of men." They're regular guys.
I’m glad to hear that. I’ve not tried OLD yet, mainly because of the negative comments about it by so many here on the forum. It would be nice to have another option available to me. I am learning to talk the talk, so to speak. I keep seeing all these acronyms and abbreviations here and Google them to find out what they are. So now I know what the following mean: OLD, FB, FWB, ONS, NSA, LTR. I’ve yet to know what is meant by “swipe right” and am sure there are plenty of other things I will have to learn as I go should I sign up for one of these dating websites. There are so many!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound
Has it really changed that much? I mean a person's sensibilities are what they are, I'm assuming that if I were out there again single at my age and the women I would be looking for would be around my age and generally, loosely speaking have similar life views from a generational standpoint. It would seems like the thing that would be different would be the conduit or way to meet men. The dynamics there are obviously different than before all of the social media and dating apps and internet in general, but human nature is human nature. I do agree that these new "conduits" of meeting people seem to change the game to a degree, but once someone actually sits down and meets with people, has it really changed that much??? I don't know, not out there.
I think the bolded says it best, in my opinion.
For me it has changed a lot but I think that’s because I’m comparing it to the very conservative Mennonite lifestyle I led before being widowed, leaving the church and going “English” as the Mennonites call it. So maybe it would be more accurate to say I have changed rather than the dating scene has changed. Any way you look at it though, change is inevitable. That’s not to say it’s good or bad, just different. And yes, technology has had a lot to do with the changes I've seen. Again, I had little experience with cell phones and computers/internet in the Mennonite life (only allowed for our businesses not personal use). I've got a lot of catching up to do!
For me it has changed a lot but I think that’s because I’m comparing it to the very conservative Mennonite lifestyle I led before being widowed, leaving the church and going “English” as the Mennonites call it. So maybe it would be more accurate to say I have changed rather than the dating scene has changed. Any way you look at it though, change is inevitable. That’s not to say it’s good or bad, just different. And yes, technology has had a lot to do with the changes I've seen. Again, I had little experience with cell phones and computers/internet in the Mennonite life (only allowed for our businesses not personal use). I've got a lot of catching up to do!
Yeah, well, your situation is a lot different than the average American's for sure.
Has it really changed that much? I mean a person's sensibilities are what they are, I'm assuming that if I were out there again single at my age and the women I would be looking for would be around my age and generally, loosely speaking have similar life views from a generational standpoint. It would seems like the thing that would be different would be the conduit or way to meet men. The dynamics there are obviously different than before all of the social media and dating apps and internet in general, but human nature is human nature. I do agree that these new "conduits" of meeting people seem to change the game to a degree, but once someone actually sits down and meets with people, has it really changed that much??? I don't know, not out there.
I think the bolded says it best, in my opinion.
I do think it's changed. For one thing, my generation basically dated with the intention of finding a life partner. It wasn't uncommon to marry soon after graduating college. Now, young people want to date through their 20s, a decade, before they feel ready to get serious and settle down. I think that has really changed the way people approach dating and relationships during their 20s anyway. The dating dynamic is different now.
Single people in their 40s and 50s? Well, that's different. Most older divorced men I dated were in a hurry to remarry, and my single girlfriends had lost interest in marriage.
I do think it's changed. For one thing, my generation basically dated with the intention of finding a life partner. It wasn't uncommon to marry soon after graduating college. Now, young people want to date through their 20s, a decade, before they feel ready to get serious and settle down. I think that has really changed the way people approach dating and relationships during their 20s anyway. The dating dynamic is different now.
Single people in their 40s and 50s? Well, that's different. Most older divorced men I dated were in a hurry to remarry, and my single girlfriends had lost interest in marriage.
You may be right, I don't have enough information to dispute you. LOL. I have no issues admitting I may be off. I still think human nature is what it is, but in terms of the particulars, I can't really argue it.
I know I'm glad I'm not out there. LOL, if that makes any sense, I'd rather not find out first hand all of the quirks and idiosyncrasies and finer points of middle aged dating.....
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I’ve come to the conclusion there really are no rules today and I should just “know thyself” and “to thine own self be true.” Then hope for the best! 
k:
