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I was totally blindsided! My ex-h told me one evening he was unhappy and unsure of what he wanted, but swore there was no one else. We had been married 12 years, together for 14 at that time. Well, I realized he had been acting kinda weird & shifty so did some sleuthing and found there WAS someone else, some woman he met online in another state. I *thought* our marriage had been so rock solid there was no way that would ever happen to me, and yet it did. NO ONE could believe it, we had the marriage other people envied, total shock.
These things always happen "to the marriage other people envied".
I've left the men in three prior relationships. IMO it wasn't sudden. The quality of our companionships had definitely lessened over time, at least for me. And I was working more hours and being much less available towards the end of all these relationships.
It's a matter of never taking any relationship for granted and learning to read the signs. Nothing is ever that sudden or unexpected. And in particular, one should keep in mind that in all romances, the "honeymoon period" is about 3-5 years. So after the 3 year mark, everyone needs to reevaluate and put some more energy into the pairing and recourt your partner.
Should someone be able to steal your mate, it's because the current romance became boring and stale, and you are not making your s/o feel great about themselves. Another person flirting with your mate is making him/her feel a rush of feeling special and attractive. So never let that aspect of your LTR fade away.
This is true (that you always need to work on your relationship) but really its on both partners to speak up if they feel neglected/unsatisfied. You have to be committed to work through it, not just get angry and think you desrve to find hapiness eslewhere without trying to fix what you have. All marriages will go through their downswings so just roll up your sleeves and get to work. Now if your partner is unresponsive after you put in lots of effort, THEN leave.
I just thnk you marry a human not a robot, you know? People fall short, sometimes not even intentionally. You owe someone you pledged you life too a little grace IMO.
Well, that's one thing I finally got right. I courted my wife to the best of my ability from the day I asked her out until the day her life ended almost 21 years later. She returned the favor.
Your posts about your wife are so poignant. It's always good to hear about a happy marriage, even if death took one of the partners.
These things always happen "to the marriage other people envied".
YUP. To this day there are people in the church we used to attend who still think the I must have done something very bad to have driven my saintly then wife into the arms of another man. They can't accept that she just cheated on her vows, lied repeatedly to me and others, and didn't' seem to give a hoot how badly our children would be hurt.
And, of course, he did the same awful things. What is interesting is that both our kids and his kids remain distant from that parent to this day. They have and continue to pay a price for their actions.
Those of you who have been married or in a long-term relationship, have you ever been blindsided by your partner very unexpectedly leaving you? I know this does sometimes happen where the partner or spouse being left does not realize the extent to which the leaving person is unhappy in the relationship or has kept relatively quiet about intent to leave or has not given many signals that leave-taking is imminent.
I'm sure it happens. I've never been blindsided personally. I feel like the signs are almost always there, people just choose to ignore them or inadvertently miss them sometimes. My ex said she was "blindsided" by our breakup. I couldn't begin to fathom how. We had split up for a month, moved back in together and fought constantly. The last big argument before we ended things, I told her "I can't take any more of this, if it doesn't change fast, I'm done." So we fought again over nothing and I said "I'm done" and left. I couldn't fathom how she was "blindsided" to me, it had felt like we were done for a while and going through the motions (should never have moved back in together). I can see surprised that it's happening NOW, but not blindsided- that implies you think everything is fine. But that wasn't the case with us.
Even friends of mine who have claimed to be "blindsided" tend to have missed some obvious signs. Usually hearing someone I know use that phrase prompts and eye roll and a "were you really though?" I get that it does happen, but most of the time there are signs.
Those of you who have been married or in a long-term relationship, have you ever been blindsided by your partner very unexpectedly leaving you? I know this does sometimes happen where the partner or spouse being left does not realize the extent to which the leaving person is unhappy in the relationship or has kept relatively quiet about intent to leave or has not given many signals that leave-taking is imminent.
Yep.
My ex was very mindful about concealing how unhappy he was with his life (not just relationship; he dumped/changed a whole lot of things at once in addition to his longtime relationship). He did have not-insignificant emotional instability due to a mental health disorder, and I misidentified some signs as being part and parcel of a flareup of his illness.
Some married men keep their unhappiness hidden until they have someone else set up as a partner to run to, before initiating a divorce.
That was the experience with my ex, but I have also seen it often lately with close friends and some relatives. The man has had someone to run to after leaving. It isn't healthy....leaving a long marriage and jumping in with someone else. That is what hurt me and my kids the most. I am glad I had some time for me to grow and get to know my new self.
Some married men keep their unhappiness hidden until they have someone else set up as a partner to run to, before initiating a divorce.
Yes, precisely. Mine knew that I was very attuned to his needs and moods and would pick up on any "signals" or signs. So he was very careful not to say or do anything that would make me wonder what was up.
We had been together a long time (more than two decades married, almost a quarter-century together), so I knew him quite well, or so I thought. I never would have believed him capable of screwing around or leaving suddenly that way, after a sudden announcement. Since I met him, I thought he was a moral person incapable of hurting someone intentionally--I had him up on a pedestal as being above anything sordid or cruel. But it turns out I was mistaken.
In keeping with the subject of this thread I guess you could say I've been suddenly left again by virtue of my wife's passing after going-on 21 years of marriage. It was sudden and shocking and I'm still trying to come to terms with it. But a difference is that it was unanticipated and unavoidable. The other difference is that I did, do and always will love my wife.
I see a great deal of similarity between unexpected death in a marriage and unexpected divorce. What I went through was like a death. The man I loved died suddenly, and in his place a cold cruel shell was left to torment me.
It was sudden and shocking, and I'm still trying to come to terms with it. It was also completely unanticipated and unavoidable, from where I sat. Perhaps my husband could have made hints or signals to let me know what was going on inside him, but he chose not to. So not so unavoidable from where he sat.
Also no difference in the love I felt toward my spouse. I was devoted to him in every way. I still love the man he was, and probably always will.
I think sudden death in a loving marriage is better than sudden, unexpected divorce. At least you know she loved you, and you don't have to go back and examine every memory and wonder when the lies started.
I see a great deal of similarity between unexpected death in a marriage and unexpected divorce. What I went through was like a death. The man I loved died suddenly, and in his place a cold cruel shell was left to torment me.
It was sudden and shocking, and I'm still trying to come to terms with it. It was also completely unanticipated and unavoidable, from where I sat. Perhaps my husband could have made hints or signals to let me know what was going on inside him, but he chose not to. So not so unavoidable from where he sat.
Also no difference in the love I felt toward my spouse. I was devoted to him in every way. I still love the man he was, and probably always will.
I think sudden death in a loving marriage is better than sudden, unexpected divorce. At least you know she loved you, and you don't have to go back and examine every memory and wonder when the lies started.
Well, that is bleak, but I understand and sympathize. You bring up a point, too-- for the person being unfaithful, they know all the particulars of their relationship with their new partner. To those left behind it can seem so sudden...where did this come from? How long have I been lied to? How deep does it go?
You know what, though? You just gotta move on. Wash your hands of it. Life just...IS. Things happen. We don't always get tidy answers and neat packages of closure. Life is messy.
Don't let your reactions to the negatve actions of another person--even a mate or SO--bring negativity to your life. There's more stuff to do out there.
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