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Old 03-13-2008, 08:15 AM
 
116 posts, read 299,122 times
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If I were to look for a new spouse I would be attracted to someone who would challenge me intellectually. I am now highly attracted to brainy women who are very sharp, well read, intellectual and accomplished. Twenty years ago I was mostly attracted to a women's hair, clothes, sex appeal and big breasts. I wonder how many men get so caught up with physical appearance when they are looking for a spouse that once that is no longer an issue, they get bored when they women does not have the intellectual skills that are now more important.I wonder how important a spouse's smarts and intellectual skills are with the average couple. Would you be attracted to someone who is significantly more accomplished and intellectual than you?
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Old 03-13-2008, 08:28 AM
 
Location: Derby, KS
3,832 posts, read 7,942,884 times
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There are different kinds of 'smart'.

I'm an Aerospace Engineer. My wife works in Domestic Managment (stays home with the kids).

For the most part I'm book-smart...but I've got some common sense going on.

My wife has more common sense....but doesn't have the formal education that I have.

Together we fill in each other's gaps.
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Old 03-13-2008, 09:05 AM
 
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
2,868 posts, read 6,199,129 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drjones96 View Post
There are different kinds of 'smart'.

I'm an Aerospace Engineer. My wife works in Domestic Managment (stays home with the kids).

For the most part I'm book-smart...but I've got some common sense going on.

My wife has more common sense....but doesn't have the formal education that I have.

Together we fill in each other's gaps.

Exactly....

My husband is a medical doctor...I am a Domestic Manager as well...He is very book smart obviously...but I do have more common sense and can multi-task like no other...He has the formal education...I do as well but I am not working as of right now...but we definitly fill each other's gaps in.
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Old 03-13-2008, 09:14 AM
 
Location: Plano, Texas
8,640 posts, read 14,638,092 times
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Yeah, I definitely think there are different "types" of intelligence. I have always been attracted to the "brainy" types. Overall, I think my husband and I are about on an even keel intellectually, but not in the same areas. He might have a slight edge on me, but I would never admit that to him!

In general, at least for me, it is important for me to feel that I could communicate well with a spouse. When I discuss something, does he "get" it, ya know? Even when I'm a little obtuse, abstract or cryptic! Seriously, though, that's the MAIN thing IMO. Can you talk, really talk to them on an equal level? Beyond that, I don't think it really matters.
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Old 03-13-2008, 11:05 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
13,011 posts, read 22,166,533 times
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My boyfriend and I are about equally brainy. And he's always telling me how much he loves my brain and the way I think. A love for brainy geeky people runs in my family. I'm proud of the values we have. I find that people who are attracted to another person primarily for their good looks to be very shallow and that their longterm relationships diminish in quality and satisfaction as the years go on, as their partner becomes less beautiful on the outside.

I need a companion that can be my best friend and who I can talk about anything with. None of my best platonic friends are dumb either. Dumb people make me crazy. And the smarts have to be a combination of commonsense, knowledge and intellectual curiosity.
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Old 03-13-2008, 11:15 AM
 
5,108 posts, read 7,660,038 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by politically_correct View Post
If I were to look for a new spouse I would be attracted to someone who would challenge me intellectually. I am now highly attracted to brainy women who are very sharp, well read, intellectual and accomplished. Twenty years ago I was mostly attracted to a women's hair, clothes, sex appeal and big breasts. I wonder how many men get so caught up with physical appearance when they are looking for a spouse that once that is no longer an issue, they get bored when they women does not have the intellectual skills that are now more important.I wonder how important a spouse's smarts and intellectual skills are with the average couple. Would you be attracted to someone who is significantly more accomplished and intellectual than you?
i think it's postive for us to be able to take note of how we change and evolve in what we "go after" in a mate or are impressed by

first few decades it was all about get the guy with the brains, that's how i was raised. It was a disaster. That's not who I am. I hated the boasting, the debating, the one-upmanship, the exhausting intellectual dissecting that went on endlessly, and most importantly the total disconnection from the feeling side of life.

now since my 40's and relationships like the one above NOT WORKING, i am able to identify the things in a person that are truly impressive to me, that I cherish, appreciate, value above all else: they are kindness, a gentle heart, language and expression of feelings, contentment (rather than competition), acceptance of others (rather than proving how right they are), ability to listen and include the other person (rather than talk talk talk without being able to really listen to what other people are saying), an open mind to new thoughts (rather than brainy sure he knows it all)

so to answer your question, intellectual measure is now really LOW on my list. Looks and flash never have been high so still really LOW.

As you describe it in your opening post, I am a woman who is very well read, very accomplished, very intelligent. When a man says he "likes women like that" i usually run the other way. They are not the things i consider most important about me. What I want him to value and appreciate are not the conversations we can have, not my publications, not my licenses, not my accomplishments.

Great post and great thread to start, thank you.
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Old 03-13-2008, 11:24 AM
 
Location: Plano, Texas
8,640 posts, read 14,638,092 times
Reputation: 21135
Quote:
Originally Posted by DimSumRaja View Post
i think it's postive for us to be able to take note of how we change and evolve in what we "go after" in a mate or are impressed by

first few decades it was all about get the guy with the brains, that's how i was raised. It was a disaster. That's not who I am. I hated the boasting, the debating, the one-upmanship, the exhausting intellectual dissecting that went on endlessly, and most importantly the total disconnection from the feeling side of life.

now since my 40's and relationships like the one above NOT WORKING, i am able to identify the things in a person that are truly impressive to me, that I cherish, appreciate, value above all else: they are kindness, a gentle heart, language and expression of feelings, contentment (rather than competition), acceptance of others (rather than proving how right they are), ability to listen and include the other person (rather than talk talk talk without being able to really listen to what other people are saying), an open mind to new thoughts (rather than brainy sure he knows it all)

so to answer your question, intellectual measure is now really LOW on my list. Looks and flash never have been high so still really LOW.

As you describe it in your opening post, I am a woman who is very well read, very accomplished, very intelligent. When a man says he "likes women like that" i usually run the other way. They are not the things i consider most important about me. What I want him to value and appreciate are not the conversations we can have, not my publications, not my licenses, not my accomplishments.

Great post and great thread to start, thank you.
You make some good points here. I am very big on "kindness" too.
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Old 03-13-2008, 11:30 AM
 
Location: Cumberland Co., TN
11,252 posts, read 11,176,132 times
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My dh thinks he is smarter than I am. But then he thinks he is smarter than 95% of the population.
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Old 03-13-2008, 11:34 AM
 
Location: Naptowne, Alaska
14,943 posts, read 25,064,932 times
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I guess opposites attract. I'm dumber than a doorknob and she's smarter than a whip.
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Old 03-13-2008, 11:34 AM
 
Location: northeast US
739 posts, read 1,071,104 times
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We're both over-educated compared to the community we live in. It unites us on the one hand, but isolates us on the other.

We both read way too much and have been influenced by what we read. For example, we read "Four Arguments for the Elimination of Television" by Jerry Mander, and haven't owned a television in 20 years. The end result is we know a lot of things but we're isolated from current American pop culture, and our college age daughter has read well over 10,000 books (and can quote whole passages from Shakespeare).

She's more common sense and down to earth than I am. I think out of the box and push the envelope. She's a multi-degreed poet and I'm a classically trained painter. We're both comfortable with abstraction and have few people outside our relationship to talk to about our work and ideas. We also are both strongly attracted to each other's looks, size, hair, skin color, style of dress, etc. so it's not an either/or; it's a whole package with a lot of heat and juicy-ness.

We choose our friends by their tolerance and general kindness in the world. So, I would say we share being overly intellectual and attracted to warmth and acceptance in others.

Last edited by willdufauve; 03-13-2008 at 11:42 AM..
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