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See and I totally that. I really haven't been in a relationship for 5 years, and I was totally fine. I also have a lot of friends and family that give me enough love and I give back in return. But what happens you don't have much family or any friends nearby and you close yourself off from falling in love? Wouldn't it feel empty? I am asking out of curiousity.
When he moves on with someone else, your "friendship" will be challenged.
I am aware of that but at the same time one day at a time. If that happens well what can you do? If it doesn't then great we carry on.
For example, my dad cheated on my mom, they divorced and they currently are very good friends, my dad considers her one of his best friends and they have had the friendship for quite some time. My mom would never ever take him back or want anything with him romantically. My other friend was engaged, she broke off the engagement, and her and her ex-fiance are best friends now and actually she helps him set him up on dates and what not. She is seriously dating someone at the moment too but her ex-fiance are good buddies. This one guy I briefly dated, he's best friends with his ex and they were together for about 5 years. He actually was the best man at the wedding (a bit odd) but they still have a great relationship.
So I am not saying that is what is going to happen to us. I know what I mentioned above is not common. But we could try for it. He doesn't want a relationship with anyone for a loooong time, he has made that clear. I am taking a break from dating for a few months because I need it (although I will still go on dates here and there). So I don't see that being a problem at the moment. I think as long as we are both mature and respect the boundaries, we should be okay. I know I can handle that. Him? I have no idea. But only way we'll know is when it's time to cross that bridge.
Plus we only dated for 4 weeks and out of those 4 weeks he was in another country for 3 of them for work. So while we did technically "date" and the way we communicated was on a deep level, the relationship didn't materialize into a serious romantic relationship. I think it's more challenging when you were in a LTR with the person.
I guess. I mean, you really cannot compare yourself to formerly married people who had children together. That's a whole other level of relating. And it is not that long ago when you were emoting about the sex with him like this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by frimpter928
Even the sex for us on both ends was some of the most emotional and fulfilling we both have ever had. I got a glimpse into his truest form...
Maybe you are just as good at compartmentalizing as I am. I do hope y'all get along fine. It's just that you swing so far to the extremes; it's hard to believe that you will just go right on to the next phase ... NBD.
I guess. I mean, you really cannot compare yourself to formerly married people who had children together. That's a whole other level of relating. And it is not that long ago when you were emoting about the sex with him like this:
Maybe you are just as good at compartmentalizing as I am. I do hope y'all get along fine. It's just that you swing so far to the extremes; it's hard to believe that you will just go right on to the next phase ... NBD.
If there is one good thing about me when it comes to friendships or romantic relationships I know how to move on when I need to. In this case it's done for me. If he were to come to me next week that he changed his mind, I would say no. I mean I already booked a ticket to see a special "friend" in Miami that I have and another one in Palm Springs, just to travel for a bit and have fun. I also warned him about this. That if we decided to be friends, that I move on and I move on quick just so he is aware. I am really good a cutting out feelings when I need to. While I am disappointed about the situation, I am just dandy and enjoying myself. It's really not even close to the end of the world. Our month of dating was merely just a sentence in the novel of my life to this point.
All of a sudden one day, he just shut down and started treating me like a friend, not someone he was dating. The next day he told he acted that way because when someone starts getting too close, he sabotages it. But he wanted to move forward with me and wasn't going to run away and we had an intimate night thereafter. Two days later he got cold again, and I told him he needed to figure it out what he wanted.
[...] He told me last night that I don't deserve to be brought into a relationship with him as his emotional problems would cause trouble and hurt. That he doesn't know if he will ever be ready to be in a relationship with me or anyone else ever.
This is absolutely classic behavior in cases of trauma, abuse, and emotional neglect. Self-sabotage, self-denial, and a belief that they can only drag a potential partner down is a 100.0% textbook pattern.
I think some people get to the point where they are fine not being paired off, whether getting there is temperamental as it surely is in some cases, or because they are too damaged. I think others manage to mostly convince themselves it's the truth. And many who would thrive in a caring relationship deny themselves because they have not been able - for many reasons - to work through the patterns programmed in by trauma/abuse/neglect. And then some manage to recover, usually because at some point they had solid support and help.
I have a loved one going through a serious case of this right now in a very hostile environment and it is gut-twisting to watch. This person very very much wants and needs love and nurturing and would be plenty able to do it themself once more stable. All I can do is be there for that person and do whatever I can to support their moving toward recovery. The self-sabotage and self-hatred is just excruciating from the outside, let alone for those living it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold
As much as we'd like to think we can help heal someone , most times it isn't true and makes us feel bad about that.
But, as anyone that has paid attention on the 'lecture' at the start of an airline flight, you can't save anyone else unless you save yourself first.
Sounds like you are saving yourself first...good for you.
That part of the airline safety demo is one of the best pieces of advise ever invented (apply your own oxygen mask before assisting others) and I have not been following it in the above situation for months. :|
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I do hope y'all get along fine. It's just that you swing so far to the extremes; it's hard to believe that you will just go right on to the next phase ... NBD.
