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My best friend that I were dating for just over a month, we mutually decided to stop dating last night and go back to being friends. I am actually relieved and doing fine. But for him, I feel so sad. Here is why.
He is always someone who has struggled with his emotions. As a kid, he was emotionally abused severely and that has led him to have a fear of being vulnerable to anyone. He puts up walls everywhere. With that being said he has been going through therapy for a few months every week, and he tells me it's tough. Because of this, he has never been in a relationship (we are gay) and he is 34 years old.
About a month ago, right when we started dating, he was the happiest I had ever seen him. He was all aboard talked about a future with me and him, and on multiple occasions, he told me how it "felt right". He truly was emotionally free. You could really feel it and he had no quips or qualms holding back his emotions. Honestly, it felt like love (not saying it was). We were both on cloud nine.
All of a sudden one day, he just shut down and started treating me like a friend, not someone he was dating. The next day he told he acted that way because when someone starts getting too close, he sabotages it. But he wanted to move forward with me and wasn't going to run away and we had an intimate night thereafter. Two days later he got cold again, and I told him he needed to figure it out what he wanted.
The reason it's sad is that in the beginning, I saw how happy and free he was. How badly he wanted to be with me, and how right it felt. Even the sex for us on both ends was some of the most emotional and fulfilling we both have ever had. I got a glimpse into his truest form, one where he was happy and wasn't even thinking about the obstacles ahead.
Then to see him sabotage and self-destruct the situation out of fear was very sad. I am doing okay, but he is now depressed I believe. Once he went cold on me he told me he no longer has a sex drive, not eating well, and his energy levels are very low. I am pretty sure the depression comes from him ending something that was going so well and beautifully. For no particular reason.
He told me last night that I don't deserve to be brought into a relationship with him as his emotional problems would cause trouble and hurt. That he doesn't know if he will ever be ready to be in a relationship with me or anyone else ever.
We will still be best friends now, and I want to be there to at least support him and be a rock when it's needed for him. But it makes me sad how out of fear and past experiences, people ruin things that could potentially lead them to great happiness.
People can live their lives however they please and nobody should question their life choices. Some people want to be single, others want to be in relationships. To each their own.
He was not emotionally healthy enough to be in a relationship. I doubt he was denying himself of anything, more like taking responsibility for his own personal issues. I know you're hurt and you're reaching for answers, but I think splitting was the best thing for you two. It sounds as though he has been struggling with this demon for a while, and he is the only one that can destroy it with the help of therapy.
It's great he has the awareness to reach out and get the help he needs. Relationships don't fix people, this situation is very evident of that. If his unhappiness didn't become apparent right then, eventually it would have. He needs to find happiness within himself before he finds it in another person. I'm sure you'll eventually find someone who wants what you want in the future.
He was not emotionally healthy enough to be in a relationship. I doubt he was denying himself of anything, more like taking responsibility for his own personal issues. I know you're hurt and you're reaching for answers, but I think splitting was the best thing for you two. It sounds as though he has been struggling with this demon for a while, and he is the only one that can destroy it with the help of therapy.
It's great he has the awareness to reach out and get the help he needs. Relationships don't fix people, this situation is very evident of that. If his unhappiness didn't become apparent right then, eventually it would have. He needs to find happiness within himself before he finds it in another person. I'm sure you'll eventually find someone who wants what you want in the future.
Good Luck.
I completely agree. I even told him it was the right thing to do. I also told him I am so grateful for his honesty. We are going to hang out for a little bit on Saturday, and I am going to let him know one last thing which is to let him know that I gained respect for him for him being able to open and be honest with me about his feelings, situation or anything. And ironically I think this has made our friendship stronger, where in most cases it would be the opposite effect. Him and I have a very very deep relationship.
But Like I said I was actually relieved. I had one foot out the door, while disappointed in the end, it also was also a relief for me because I was starting to want out because it was getting too complicated in the beginning. I did want to keep trying but was quickly realizing if this was going to be the path, it was going to not only not workout in a romantic relationship but potentially hurt our friendship.
We nipped it in the butt early.
Last edited by frimpter928; 08-10-2017 at 01:34 PM..
People can live their lives however they please and nobody should question their life choices. Some people want to be single, others want to be in relationships. To each their own.
It's not that. I totally respect that. It's one thing to be single because you want to be and are very happy to be single.
It's another thing that you force yourself to be single because you don't allow yourself to be vulnerable and out of fear. That is damaging to one's mental health in the long run.
For example my friend I am telling you about, he suffers from severe depression from time to time. He has been going to a therapist for three months now every week to fight these demons and he has told me it's very hard for him. So to me, that isn't questioning his life choices. It just makes me sad to see someone that I care for (borderline love) doing this to themselves.
I just want to see him happy and I saw what that was like when he was dating me. I am not saying I am the end all be all for him and will lead him to happiness. I am sure he can find that happiness with someone else or on his own. I am just saying it's sad to see people not give themselves that chance. That's all.
True depression really doesn't occur "from time to time" and isn't based on any particular circumstances. It's very difficult for anyone with untreated depression to be in a relationship. He isn't choosing not to be happy, his mental illness is directing him that way. Depression really is like a third party and can turn familiar people into total strangers. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, as I know from experience how challenging it is.
My best friend that I were dating for just over a month, we mutually decided to stop dating last night and go back to being friends. I am actually relieved and doing fine. But for him, I feel so sad. Here is why.
He is always someone who has struggled with his emotions. As a kid, he was emotionally abused severely and that has led him to have a fear of being vulnerable to anyone. He puts up walls everywhere. With that being said he has been going through therapy for a few months every week, and he tells me it's tough. Because of this, he has never been in a relationship (we are gay) and he is 34 years old.
About a month ago, right when we started dating, he was the happiest I had ever seen him. He was all aboard talked about a future with me and him, and on multiple occasions, he told me how it "felt right". He truly was emotionally free. You could really feel it and he had no quips or qualms holding back his emotions. Honestly, it felt like love (not saying it was). We were both on cloud nine.
All of a sudden one day, he just shut down and started treating me like a friend, not someone he was dating. The next day he told he acted that way because when someone starts getting too close, he sabotages it. But he wanted to move forward with me and wasn't going to run away and we had an intimate night thereafter. Two days later he got cold again, and I told him he needed to figure it out what he wanted.
The reason it's sad is that in the beginning, I saw how happy and free he was. How badly he wanted to be with me, and how right it felt. Even the sex for us on both ends was some of the most emotional and fulfilling we both have ever had. I got a glimpse into his truest form, one where he was happy and wasn't even thinking about the obstacles ahead.
Then to see him sabotage and self-destruct the situation out of fear was very sad. I am doing okay, but he is now depressed I believe. Once he went cold on me he told me he no longer has a sex drive, not eating well, and his energy levels are very low. I am pretty sure the depression comes from him ending something that was going so well and beautifully. For no particular reason.
He told me last night that I don't deserve to be brought into a relationship with him as his emotional problems would cause trouble and hurt. That he doesn't know if he will ever be ready to be in a relationship with me or anyone else ever.
We will still be best friends now, and I want to be there to at least support him and be a rock when it's needed for him. But it makes me sad how out of fear and past experiences, people ruin things that could potentially lead them to great happiness.
yeah, sad. Yadayada.
Once a relationship turned sexual, it will never be the same. If you want to move on and find someone else, cut him lose. He may be a good friend (sounds more like a burden but whatever), but you can only move on if you are free for a new love interest. A new guy doesn't want someone who is clinging on to their sad ex partner.
And you will never be free and stay his emotional trash can. You gave all you had, it didn't work. Move on. Sorry for being harsh but thats my viewpoint. All these people always with their exes. Ugh.
I was emotionally abused and at 41 I don't expect that I will ever allow anyone close enough for what I consider to be a truly successful romantic relationship. It's not something I grieve over - I know exactly what I'm missing, but I also know what my limitations are. I don't grieve over the fact that I'm not an Olympic skier, either, ya know? I"ve got a lot of very close friendships - platonic friendship is a different sort of emotional intimacy from what a romantic relationship requires.
If I really wanted such a thing, I could double down on my sessions with my therapist and ask to focus on building myself into someone who can have a committed romantic relationship. But that's not where I want to put my energies.
Incidentally, my occasional FWB is at least as emotionally damaged as I am. We feel safe with each other for a reason. But, like me, he has a ton of very close friendships.
Don't pity your ex. He's got enough on his plate. Just be his friend and appreciate him for who he is and respect his choices.
True depression really doesn't occur "from time to time" and isn't based on any particular circumstances. It's very difficult for anyone with untreated depression to be in a relationship. He isn't choosing not to be happy, his mental illness is directing him that way. Depression really is like a third party and can turn familiar people into total strangers. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, as I know from experience how challenging it is.
That's true, and I think that's a struggle he faces all the time. He told me for years he was depressed for the majority of the time, and on multiple occasions it almost made him take drastic steps. It seems though in recent years he's gotten a lot better and is progressing. The simple fact that he is seeking out help I think is great. I actually have told him (before we started dating) that he should be proud of all the progress he has made and that I am proud of him too.
Once a relationship turned sexual, it will never be the same. If you want to move on and find someone else, cut him lose. He may be a good friend (sounds more like a burden but whatever), but you can only move on if you are free for a new love interest. A new guy doesn't want someone who is clinging on to their sad ex partner.
And you will never be free and stay his emotional trash can. You gave all you had, it didn't work. Move on. Sorry for being harsh but thats my viewpoint. All these people always with their exes. Ugh.
I don't think that's fair. I am best friend's with one of my ex's (we dated two years) and we are just fine. I also made it very clear to him that now the dynamic is going to change and we at most we will talk 1-2 a week, and maybe see each other like I see my other friends, once every 1-2 weeks. He agreed to it and thought it was the right move too.
The thing is we only dated for a month, it's something we can both easily get over. Also, we have been best friends for a bout a year, and his personal issues have never caused problems. The only time we have had challenges (and we handled them like adults) was this past week with the decision to end the dating and go back to being friends. So I am not worried. He's never dragged me into his problems. I think this past week was a realization for both of us that we are just in two different places. That's all.
Last edited by frimpter928; 08-10-2017 at 03:34 PM..
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