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I think it can be really hard to weed out the players and cheaters and liars from the good ones. It takes practice. I'm still working on it.
If you want to date, have some fun, a little slap and tickle, you probably can have success. If you're sincerely looking only for LTR, it's harder. Not impossible, but it takes firm boundaries and standards and an iron will to not "settle" just to have someone when things look bleak.
Has anyone here actually had success with OLD? Which service did you use? I am a forty-something widow who hates drama and I don't like the idea of getting creepy messages and d-pics. But I am ready to find the right man and try dating again. So, I'm not sure if I should just stick with people I meet in person or add in OLD. I've heard negative things so I wasn't sure if that was some people having bad luck or if it was common. I met my late husband online, before the internet, but the whole experience was different back then and honestly it was a lot easier to tell if someone was trying to pull something. Anyway, TIA for any info.
I have had success with OLD. Met my wife through Christian Mingle.
Why not incorporate both OLD and offline. These are not mutually exclusive.
I met my current boyfriend (of three years now) online though Match. I paid for the site. I also tried other sites. I liked Match the best (I may be biased because I met my boyfriend there) and I disliked eHarmony the most (expensive and you can't search, it matches you up and no matter how much I tweaked things, it never matched me up with men I was interested in dating).
There is already some good advice in this thread and helpful information. I started a combination of online and offline dating five years ago after a bad breakup of a long-term relationship six years ago. I didn't date for a little over a year after the breakup.
Online dating ended up creating more volume of dates, but they tended to be short, "just a meet and greet" and "move on" kind of dates. When I met men offline, we usually dated for a while. I think the reason is I couldn't get a feel for chemistry online like I could offline. I guess a way to look at it is online you communicate before you meet and know if there is that spark. Offline you met right away and know there is that spark and then communicate.
That said, I did meet my current boyfriend online. It just took me a while to find him (and him me I suppose).
I used online dating on and off. Never for more than 3 months at a stretch because I usually needed a break from it by then. Plus, if I met someone (on or offline) and I wanted to go on a few dates to figure things out, I dropped offline completely to focus on the one man. That's not for everyone, but it works for me.
Online dating can be a bit harder in that you end up going out on first dates with men whom, if you met them organically, you would not have gone out with. I met men who lied about age (posting older photos of themselves too). I also met married men who lied about their marital status. Both of those types annoyed me because I essentially wasted my time on a dead-end date when I could have spent my time doing something more constructive. I didn't mind dead-end dates when there was no chemistry because that's part of how dating works, but dead end because the man was playing games and lied... ugh, frustrating.
But don't let that scare you. While there are some bad eggs and it's good to be aware of that, most men are wonderful human beings and are not liars. The problem was many of these decent men who sounded good on paper ended up just not "clicking" with me or me with them. My biggest frustration was meeting wonderful men that I liked who had different goals than me (so many were looking for marriage and to start a family--something about me must scream "wife material!" haha). I, unfortunately, can't have kids and because of that, marriage isn't a priority at all for me (I'm not against it, but it's not on my bucket list so to speak). I had great dates with these men, we liked each other, but we knew it wouldn't work out. I always wished them well.
So my point is most of online dating will be a series of frustration and there are no guarantees. It took me about two years of online dating (on and off mixed with "offline" dating) to finally get lucky and find someone. It's time consuming if you take it seriously (maintaining a profile, spending time reading others profiles and carefully crafting messages (this can easily take hours a night), setting up dates and spending time on those dates, etc). But like so many things in life, perseverance and emotional fortitude can pay off and you meet someone wonderful.
Last edited by BellaLind; 08-15-2017 at 07:25 AM..
Reason: Keep noticing typos
I've done OLD on and off since my marriage ended three years ago. It's netted me a few "casual dates", 1 relationship (which didn't pan out), 1 FWB, and a whole motherload of flaking and ghosting.
It's a crapshoot, to be honest. Put yourself out there, you may or may not find someone who shares your values and ideals.
I met my husband on POF when I was 41 (6 years ago). I tried online dating for years off and on, as well as more traditional ways of meeting people. I kissed a lot of frogs, met a lot of jerks, but also met some nice people. Online dating can be quite an investment of time. Good luck!
At OP - I'm also a "young" widow (late 30s). Do you find that scares men off? I'm currently on hiatus/celibate. I did OKC, Tinder and Bumble and was only meeting 2 kinds of men: the Instant Family Man who came on too strong and wanted to step into the husband/father role immediately, and the Good Time Guy who just wanted to "have fun". This sabbatical is the best decision I've ever made.
Location: In my cat's house, until she finds a better human servant
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JJ09990
At OP - I'm also a "young" widow (late 30s). Do you find that scares men off? I'm currently on hiatus/celibate. I did OKC, Tinder and Bumble and was only meeting 2 kinds of men: the Instant Family Man who came on too strong and wanted to step into the husband/father role immediately, and the Good Time Guy who just wanted to "have fun". This sabbatical is the best decision I've ever made.
I'm not sure yet, I took time to heal and just be in the "right place", i'm ok with who I am as a single person but decided I'd like to find a partner to enjoy things with again. I'm only now getting more serious in my search so I don't have much to report yet. I've been doing more "singles" type activities locally. Hopefully I meet a great guy I know they are out there, I don't buy into the "all men are scum" mindset some women seem to have (there are a percentage of lousy women and men out there, I try not to hang out with anyone who is a jerk)
I was on OKC. Mixed results. Went on a couple of first dates that were just NO. Had lots of messages from boys in their 20's who just wanted to hook up for sex. Also, NO. Then a guy who surprised me by being a complete player (he was in his late 40's, I thought a guy his age would have it out of his system. Guess not.) But I don't regret the fling with him, he gets credit as the second best lover I've ever had, so hey. It was fun while it lasted. Then there was the polyamorous guy who got me into that, and he introduced me to another couple he wanted us to date, and we did for about a year. That was lovely. The other woman was very into Groupon, so she had us ziplining and doing those escape puzzle rooms. And she was a massage therapist, so hot tubbing and massage was also part of that group relationship thing. It was pretty darn indulgent. After about a year of that though, I just felt stretched too thin trying to date more than one, so I told them I wanted to still be close friends (we are) but no more relationship thingie. Still love 'em to death. Great people.
At the same time, I was on fetlife, which is for us kinky people, and got a message from a man...started seeing him (this overlapped the poly thing for a while) and got into the local kink/fetish/Leather community. Also good people, also lots of fun. Still involved in that community. The guy who messaged me on FL is now my one and only. We're arse over teakettle for one another. It will be 2 years in November for us. We're about to move in together next month, and have talked about eventually getting married.
Honestly, I think you really just never know where you'll find the love of your life. If someone had told me, like five/six years ago, what my life story for the last few would look like, I'd have laughed at them.
So some guidelines I'd give anyone trying to date, online or otherwise...
- I think in dating, we learn a LOT about yourself. Find good ways to process this information. Journal if you need to. It might take a little time to really understand what you want and are looking for, and that's ok. Try to be honest with yourself, so that you can be honest with other people about your needs and wants.
- If you don't want casual sex, then take your time before consenting to sex. If a man drops you because you didn't give it up by date #3 (some do that) then his priority was getting laid, not your companionship. It's not you, it's him. If a guy flakes out, or "ghosts" you, or something...don't blame yourself. Do not feel that something is wrong with you. It was just a connection that didn't work out, and they happen a lot in dating. Do NOT beat yourself up over it.
- Be prepared to pay your own way, but if he seems to make a fuss over paying for you, probably let him. Some guys find it emasculating to split the check (or...whatever.) I always offer to pay, if they say "No, I've got this" I give them one more chance by saying, "Are you sure? I really don't mind." Then after that, let it go.
- There is NOTHING wrong with wanting casual sex (or whatever you want!)...be safe about it though. Be honest, and be safe. Safety tips include: Be aware that certain kinds of kink require more knowledge than some people think they do. The best example is rope. Some folks figure they can just go on tying people up for fun, you can cause permanent nerve damage or death if you don't know what you're doing. So if some person you're seeing wants to play, make sure he knows how to do so safely. Meet in person the first few times in public places. Make sure they're public the whole entire time (even where you're parked.) The first time you meet that is NOT in public, consider a safe call. This is someone who knows where you are, that you check in with at a particular time, to make sure you are safe. Obviously, when sex comes into it, do your due diligence with protection and STI testing and contraceptives. (I know, duh, we're all adults here.) Until you know someone well, always have your own way home.
- Sometimes in-person social networking works better than OLD. Or in conjunction with it. After getting into the community that I did, I found that there is a lot of overlap with them and the people on OK Cupid. It was a little strange to see people I knew on a dating site...but sometimes it gave me stuff to have conversations with them about later. There are Meetups (meetup.com) and other groups for practically every interest under the sun. And it helps to meet like-minded people who are sharing an interest in something.
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